The goal here is to save your marriage, not to appease your W at all costs. That will not save your marriage.

Well, as a woman who was hurt very badly by a liar and a cheat who I was not yet married to (my little girl was also hurt very badly by this CAD), I think you should expose to his girlfriend.

We read over and over on here all the time, about men to afraid of their wives to expose, and to afraid of conflict to stand up and do the right thing, as well as the things they need to do to ensure that contact will not resume...and these are not the men who recover their marriages. They do not end up with a great marriage and a loving wife.

Women do not like, love or respect men who are afraid of them. Who try to appease them even though they have been raped by them, and have risked damaging their families and children.

And we are not talking violence here, but quiet, gentle, strength.

Your choice.

so do I confront him or try to find out his g/fs name?

Do I tell my wife to make him change banks? Which brings it all back up and takes us back to D-day.

How should I handle it?

No she is not bigger than me....I just dont want to blow all the progress out of the water.

Your WS is not to have contact of any kind with him. Have her write a no contact letter that you read, sign as well, and that you mail to him.

You find out the GF's name and send the phone log to her.

Have your WW change banks. You cannot tell someone (the OM) to change banks, although once he gets the NC letter you have signed and mailed, he'll be too much of a coward to go back in, probably. And when his GF finds out, she'll probably make him change banks.

However, I would still have your WW change banks, because of associated memories, it may make her withdrawal a little easier and easier for her to put the past behind.

I would find out who she is on your own. Maybe even just disguise your caller ID with *67 and call the house. She may answer. don't warn your wife you are going to tell her, though. Tell your W afterwards.

Secondly, your W can't make him change banks. She needs to change jobs.

Changing jobs is what she wants but that is harder than it sounds. and she wants to do it for other reasons mainly.

So I should not confront him?

I shouldnt tell him to switch banks and stay away from her?
or else I will expose him

I still need to find out his last name and then I would have to find his home and spy on him to find out if he does have a g/f like she said.

HELLOOO? Have you read any of my posts to you? You said you wanted more replies, so I obliged.

Mel, you and I are certainly on the same page today. Great minds and all that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The no contact letter i fear will be met with us losing what we have again and bringing it all up when she has already told him no contact already.

Do you not think if we are working on this already and making progress she wont be strong enough to dismiss this rat anyway. She is a very stubborn girl.

sorry yes I have read every post anxiously but I just dont want to blow this.

Just want to know the best way to go about exposing him.

thanks

The NC letter is done out of respect to you. It shows sincerety on her part.

You are barely over two months out of DD so you are still very much in the beginning still.

If she balks at the NC letter, you will know exactly what you are dealing with here, wayward wise.

It will also let him know that you know, and you are not going to stand for it.

Please let his girlfriend know as well, and if your WW is not willing to help in this area...well, again you will know what you are dealing with.

If she is not doing everything she can to make you feel safe enough to want to try recovery with her, and to continue in this marriage with her, you have not done your job.

Please trust us on this.

AT THE SAME TIME, it is vitally important that you practice your Plan A....you absolutely must do as Mel said and figure out what her E/N's are and start to meet them. You must stop ALL lovebusters. You are trying to make her fall back in love with you as well as put into place the right blocks to make recovery possible.

Falling in love is all about feelings, not about logic.

Take some time to read the stuff, and to read what has been posted so far (no way to read when we were both bombarding you at the same time with replies)...so take some time in the next few days to do these things and get your bearings before your proceed with exposure.

Oh believe me I have been reading this site for at least a month now.....just wish she was too.

OM does know that I know. Even if I find out his name it will be very hard and may take alot of effort to find out his g/f's name. I would probably have to stake out his house and we live in a very small town and he may even live out in the country where it would be even harder to stake out without getting caught.

Thanks for everything

just trying now to figure when would be the best time to ask her about writing the letter. I cant remember if there is a template of some kind for that on this site or not.
I am meeting her at the hospitol tonight because she is getting a x-ray to find out what the lumps on her breast are so tonight might not be good.

okay...you have been given stright information here by Mel and Weaver...
here's what you need to do..

your wife needs to changes banks...now.
you need to expose this affair now...even if you think it will piss off your wife
contact the gf IMMEDIATELY.
send a NC letter immediately.

stop worrying about pissing off your wife and get to the business of saving your marriage.

his gf will be easier to find than you believe.

another friend of mine feels that this would be taking it out of God's hands again.

We have made such progress and what would a letter do any different than when she called him and told him supposedly the same things

sorry...so confused right now and so happy with the little progress we are making. If I conitinue to push to fast it could destroy that. I really feel it is over for her and she would not want to jeapordize what we have again.

I thought if I just stick to working on myself she would come back to the fold.

I am still waiting to hear that she will do whatever it takes.....just how long do I wait. Should I just be satisfied for now with her actions?

Hope it's nothing serious.

Give a call out for examples of NC letters, if you need to. Usually they say something along the lines of "I love my husband and shouldn't have been involved with you. We are trying to put our marriage back together, and there will be no further contact from me to you of any kind, and no contact of any kind from you will be accepted."

Short and to the point.

Take some time this weekend to plan your moves and what you would like your recovery to look like, and see if she will take the E/N questionaires with you, and read the love busters info. If she won't, then you complete hers the best you can to try and figure out her E/N's. Try and find out what love busters you have fallen into the habit of and stop them.

The NC letter and exposure are not love busters, and they are necessary, not optional.

I have no idea whatsoever what that means.

Okay, just keep appeasing her and get the NC letter after the next DD.

I will say one more thing... I know how you feel, I understand your trepidations, but you are making a mistake here. You are giving her too much power and it will be used against you. She has a wayward mindset.

How long do you wait to here those words? You should not have continued with her without them in the first place, but you did.

All you can do is practice your Plan A for a time limit you have decided and when that time limit is up, re-evaluate.

You set the time limit, no one else can for you. I read Star*fish tell another poster "you wait as long as you want, and not a minute longer".

These are only guidelines. I know another couple of posters who have waited for years to hear those words and they are still okay and relatively happy. Others are so impatient, they don't wait at all. Others wait so long they fall out of love and then it doesn't matter.

Again, your call.

So many tell me it just takes time and to give her time and quit pushing for an answer. She seems to be the type who has a hard time taking back what she said and she "doesnt want to give in again" like she feels she has so many times to me.

I am just so sick of waiting to hear it and it hurts so bad to feel it is such a hard decision for her.

Dude, you are not getting it here.

Look:

Your wife has a husband AND a boyfriend.

This is big fun for her because she gets to enjoy having two men meeing her emotional needs.

She has learned that all she has to do is get angry and snarl and threaten to leave you, and you will meekly back down and allow your wife to have a boyfriend so she won't be mad at you.

What reason does she have to change anything?

As long as you remained cowed by her anger, she has NO reason to change.

SHE UNLOADS ANGER ON YOU BECAUSE IT WORKS.

HER ANGER GETS YOU OUT OF THE WAY SO SHE CAN ENJOY BEING WITH HER BOYFRIEND AND STILL COME HOME TO YOU WHEN SHE'S DONE SCREWING HIM

Have I been blunt enough for you?

Unless and until you stop being afraid of her anger and refuse to be disrepected and basically shat on by your wife and her slimey boyfriend every day, she will NEVER stop living this way.

YOU are the one who will have to step up and defend your family. If you don't, nobody will, and you are wasting precious time sitting and waiting and hoping that somebody else will defend your marriage and your family.

It's YOUR marriage. This is for YOU to do.
Mulan

I hear you but I dont think you all get it. We are not all the same and I almost know for certain nothing is going on for 2 months now. She is home all the time and has no time to do anything but the family. She is a very confused person right now.

I wont stand for it either and have made that point already.

So many others are telling me to start trusting her and give her the time and quit pushing the issue.

I know if it was anything it was only an E/A.

Because I know I was not meeting her needs.

I just dont want to go off half cocked and screw it all up.

Its like broken glass and we all will be cut. and then we will be back at day one....

I plan on talking again this weekend and maybe tonight if we get a chance.

But if I force her to make a decision, she tends to shutdown and withdraw. She is not trying to decide between him or me. Because there is no him and she knows no one else could ever take my place especially when it comes to our kids.

She is trying to decide if she wants to open her heart back up to me who has repeatedly hurt her as well or go on with life alone with the kids.

I keep reading your first post, and I have to tell you something just doesn't add up here. We, on this board have really good BS detectors, so forgive us when they start going off and we get a little excited.



This is so storybook classic it is stomach wrenching. Waywards always say (in the beginning) they are just friends..just "hey, hows it going stuff".

You know something is not adding up or you would not be here. We are trying to help you save this marriage.

If nothing else, please start to protect yourself financially and under no circumstances leave your home or allow your WW to take the children with her, should she leave.

Usually affairees go way underground upon discovery.

Please, just be prepared for more heartache and more DD's.

You are acting like you are the one who needs to win her love, which is a common reaction when faced with infidelity, but a Plan A is not about that. It is about meeting her needs and showing yourself as an attractive alternative to the OM while at the same time exposing the affair and trying to break it up.

You have it a little bit backwards as you are filled with guilt because of your past behavior, which must be changed....HOWEVER

I strongly doubt that the affair will not be rekindled if you continue in your current mindset of appease her and not wanting to upset the apple cart.

If I were you, I would be listening to everyone here. We have seen this hundreds of time. It's a script.

I'm so sorry. Please take some time this weekend as you said you would to think and talk...and then come up with a plan.