its just over 2 years since D-day and the wife has still to come clewan about everything. We have had about 20 - 30 relapses becasues of tantalising hints and revelatiuons i find from time to time. I havecome to a realization we cannot move forward to forgiveness and reconciliation if i don't get the whole story to forgive.

Am i wrong to demand an final and true accounting of what been going on in my marriage for the pasdt 12 years.

I have told her i dont care if you have been having affair after affair, if you be straight and tell me now we can fix it if i find it we cannot. and i always find it.

i need to bring this thing to a head, i am so tired of being dpressed and unable to trust my wife. i hate myself for the crazy jealkpus husband stuff but i can sense and feel the lies between us.

All i want is to put the past to rest and move forward but she is a passive agressive and won't, she has done much mucvh more damage to our relationship with the lying than the cheating. she just doesnt get it tho and its looking to be like i have to do the unthiknable and leave my wife and kids over it. but what esle can i doi can't live like this, trust is the conerstone of marriage

vercing, I have to wonder why you would choose to live like this?

WHAT DO YOU WANT? no really what do you want ver? Deep down inside. Do you want to keep your marriage or are you ready to throw in the towel? I truly believe that some marriages are just not solvable...no matter what MC you go see. Is this the case with you?? If not and you can see that there's hope for your M then fight and fight well. I see that you have been a member for 2 years almost, so im sure by now you know all about LB and EN...have you applied Harley's MC? I mean, what all have you done for this marriage to try to save it?

2. Quit making idle threats...it seems like you taught her how to treat you like crap and you're hurt but no matter what you will be there. NO---this isn't sexy, this doesn't turn a woman on to know she can just push her man around. (maybe there's some but I dont know of many). I know you love her, but maybe she sees you as clining and smothering. THAT IS NOT SEXY! I wish i knew more of you're story because I'm just talking about what I see in this post, i could be totally off. But if you believe you have implemented a great Plan A, and for a good period of time. See D-day was 2 years ago but that doesnt mean Plan A was started 2 years ago.......Sorry to say it but it may be time for Plan B.

yes i have tauight her its ok to treat me like ****** and i have made too many idel threats you are correct.

i have been trying plan a but we keep having false starts when i find something else, i can't get my focus back on the mariage if all i do is spend my time looking for truth in my 12 marriage. I jjust woke up one day to find it was all alie and no i see my life as watsed and purposeless.

without truth i cannot move forward.

Plan A is about making home seem the better choice, knowing the truth is about recovery--i believe. I think you are trying to recovery but she hasn't even decided if she really wants too. Recovery starts when she says she wants to work on the marriage and she will have NC and you say you want to work on the marriage as well. I don't really see this. Soooooo you are in Plan A.

In Plan A, YOU are doing everything in your power to make her happy...there are no false starts...pick a day to start it and that's it. In 10 days if she P*sses you off and you're mad for 3 days, you don't start over (there's no suck thing)...you come here to yell, vent, go to the back yard and yell at the squirrels (i dont know) but you continue Plan A.

When you find out a new lie, tell her that it hurts you to find this out, and then say no more...dont go into an emotional fit. Once again go find that squirrel. When you try to give her affection and she pushes you away, let it go, breath and tell her, "I just want to love you" and then say no more, walk away. See, she's selfish....

She's selfish, cruel, heartless, and whatever else...and she needs justification for her actions and your giving them to her. For example: She may use the excuse that she can't tell you everything and still has to lie because you hurt so much and she doesnt like seeing you hurt so she lies in order to protect you. I know its Bull but not in her eyes.

Once again dont make threats, its better just to say "I love you and I'm here because I believe in my heart this marriage is worth saving"...versus, "stop or else im gone....ok ok nevermind i love you too much, please dont go". See the difference. One is a strong positive statement of your love for her and the other is a weak, needy can't be without you negative statement.

I know its hard to give and give while you are hurting but if you truly want your family to stay together, its a must. Hey I'm where you are, I'm doing Plan A but my WH is in withdrawals for OW. I dont want him to be depress about her while im giving him a backrub, that hurts, or making him his favorite meal. I have to watch what i say because he's quick to anger....(i really wish i could just give up on the M so i can cuss him out, i really really really just want to cuss him out, and throw things at him, and just plainly KICK HIS @$$ but that's just the anger talking, I know I love him and want to whole my family together) that's what MB board is for, to vent. Doing what I want may satisfy some part of me, but it wont hold my M together. So no more arguing with her, might as well be arguing with a turtle because she isnt thinking clear right now.

And #1 want the M because you want the M, don't do it for your kids. You dont want your children growing up in an unhappy family.

Plan A is not meant to be a way of life. It is intended to be a very SHORT tactic that is designed to end the affair. 6 months is the maximum time. In 85% of cases, Plan A does not serve to end the affair and Plan B is the next step. Plan was NEVER EVER intended to last for 2 years with "20-30 relapses."

Plan A is NOT CALLED for here, vercing, but rather PLAN B. Staying in Plan A HARMS your marriage, it doesn't help it.

You are so very sadly correct melody, i feel i am enabling this whole thing with my desire to do the right thing. I trusted her in situations i shoul;d not have, i did not react stringly when she began this nor during it. Being weak about it is not helping andi may already have waited too long to act to have any hope.

vercing,

What are your stats. Kids? etc.

Your story is mine. I had two kids and dealt with it for 3 and a half years the lying that is.

You should be done with plan a. Move to plan B or Plan fu which is what i eventually used.

I just stopped and called it a day and she woke up. I said I can't be married to a liar. I don't trust you. I will not keep up with this anymore.

Do not say one word to me unless you are ready willing and able to give me the TRUE account of your affair.

I didn't divorce you over your affair but i will divorce you over the lies.

I guess lying is more important then your M.

To be honest it has been a while since I had that speech it worked but the trust isn't there.