BS, I have a question that I have been pondering since D-day.

TV, movies, Soaps…you know the story: Girl and boy grow up together. Go to school together, college together. After college, go their separate ways. He not knowing her true feelings, and she not knowing how he truly feels about her. He marries. Years later faith bring them back together in a bar. They talk, there’s sparks. He is married to a B**** and she doesn’t understand him, only his friend truly understands. They fall in love. End of the movie….he divorces his wife, marries his friend and they have a baby and live happily ever after as we the audience is suppose to assume.

My situation in some comparison (not a lot): WH meets OW when he was 3, she was 14…he develops a crush for her at 15, shes 23. Because of the age difference, he never took it any further than a crush…but as the years go by, he still thinks of her. He finds me, he’s happy (4.5 years), he marries me (2.5 years). Now for 10 months he’s been sleeping with her.

WH says: I would have never cheated on you with just anybody, she is truly special. I have always thought about her. (ouch) When younger, we would play/pretend we were dating…it was a game back then. But to my surprise, she told me she has always like me too. I never made a move because of the age and she never made a move because of the age difference. Is this Bullsh*t? or are they destine to be together like in the movies?

Fastforward…. he decided to come home, NC 19 days. He's doing good, i told him today. He is in withdrawals but wants to work on the M. But he says he will always care for her….awwwwwww (how sweet) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> I can hear the violins stringing ……as I bash him in his head. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

So once again? Is faith against me, is he to be with her….or he’s just running a bunch of crap out his mouth?…. like I’ve never crushed for anyone that I still see from time to time….but I have enough sense not to cheat. Anybody else ask themselves this question, probably weird huh?

Here are my other post if you need to be up the speed:
Plan A hard from the start:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=2#Post3293327
Worrying about OW:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=1#Post3294398


PS: in the movies, we know we all root for the girl and boy to make it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> kind of ironic.

I think you're actually referring to fate, not faith. Fate can be similarly compared to 'meant to be' or 'God's will.'

I am a Christian and my WW is not. I never thought it would be a problem when I married her because I figured if God didn't want us to be together, he would've somehow told me during the years we were dating and then engaged. Thus I always thought that our union was 'meant to be'. So now that my WW has cheated on me and totally destroyed me, I realize that the two of us getting married had nothing to do with 'God's will' and had more to do with ... the two of us choosing to get married!

See, the idea of fate is one way for people to absolve their responsibilities by saying they simply had no choice in the matter. TV shows, Movies and Soaps are not real and the romantic notion of 'fate' is also not real. They are fantasy, just like all affairs. Your WH and OW probably think they could 'live happily ever after' but no one does because that's not real life. The statistics of A-based marriages show that.

LOL Yeah [email]fate.....lol@me[/email]

Well, I don't know who "fate" is exactly and where they get all this cute magic power, but I suspect she watches too many chick flicks on the A&E channel! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sooo, back to REALITY TV, where "fate" is just another cheesy weasel word for sleazy, pig behavior that is about as "romantic" as 2 pigs rutting the pig pen..... OINK! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WB10,

As pointed out, you refer to fate not faith...

As for fate: Hogwash!

There was nothing magical about him and OM.

They were not meant to be together, he was married to you when they hooked up.

It wasn't "fate" that brought them together but a lack of boundaries and enforcement of those boundaries by BOTH of them.

As for her always being "special" and him always caring for her:

This is why Doctor Harley says there must be no contact for life. Once a person has filled their account in some one's Love Bank beyond a certain level, with no withdrawals being made by having to maintain a relationship the only protection from the rekindling of the relationship in the future is to keep that account as a dead account.

If his A had died a natural death and had ended because they grew tired of each other, it would actually be less likely for the A to reignite if they had contact.

As for your H's fate...recovery or divorce, the power is now in your hands.

Mark

I know our children were meant to be here, but he's got me doubting the M. He said we married too fast. I dont really agree with that, he propose to me, plus we were dating for 4.5 years prior...now we married too fast?????

And MIL is even saying he wasn't ready to get married, y the heck all this coming up now. Just b/c of the affair??? Married too fast, is that just another WS lie, I wonder if he really feels that way.

I am sure he really does "feel" that way now. Because now he has to rewrite history the justify the unjustifiable. Its the same thing as a falling down drunk making up rationalizations about why he is falling down drunk.

Melody is right. The whole "fate/soulmate" thing is just a bunch of hogwash. My ex, a devout Christian, had a different spin on it. He truly believed that the OW's husband was called to fight in Iraq, so that my ex and the OW would meet and rut. He actually said that the Lord meant for this to be. Talk about twisted thinking!!!!!!

And how powerful their love must have been for the Lord to allow hundreds of thousands to die in the Iraq war, just so he and OW could swap bodily fluids.

The affair DID last almost 4 years, but ended within 2 weeks of our divorce. OW is back with her hubby and 16 year old daughter whom she abandoned at 12. I'd love to hear the new spin on that one.

I wouldn't consider it a lie, and has been already mentioned, I'm sure WH truly feels that way. But it's basically fog-speak and rewriting history, as I have now come to understand.

My WW said basically the same thing on D-Day, that she thinks she just got married too young and now she's outgrown me (We also dated for 4-5 years prior to getting married). She also said she had told me while we were dating she didn't want to get married before she was 27 or 28 years old (I seriously do not remember her ever saying that) and I forced her into getting married way too early (don't recall holding her down and making her take the ring). It took me days to truly realize that this was rewriting history and it wasn't really true. It was just a way for her to justify and/or rationalize the affair and shift blame for it onto me: she simply had no choice in the matter!

As for your MIL, she's trying to figure out how her wonderful son could do such a bad thing, and this is her way of explaining it that makes sure he's still a good son.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> WOOOOOOOOOOW!, Wow, umm I dont know what to say to that one. But Wow!!! The excuses some people can come up with.

ok so I havn't got too far in Surviving an Affair...read the first few pages and it just makes me cry. Soo I have not read anything about rewriting history...is that in the book? I know I need the book but the book gets me too emotional into thinking about my WH's A.

And WHEN please when does this fog go away...Is that in SAF?
Because some of the crap he says hurts. He's very convincing. I mean, will they ever GET IT? Or even if the M survives they still go to their grave not realizing the real pain they have cause?....I mean, WH know I'm hurt, but the way he acts is as if he ate my last bag of chips "My Bad" he doesn't act like he's ripped my heart from my @ss and fed it to me....sorry for the graphics.


Thank you everyone for the post.

BTW...3 weeks...and NC. (As far as I can tell NC) H over the past couple of days have been more cheery, joking....not back to his old self but I can slowly see the difference.