Always exhausted, it's tough to write this.
How many people fall into things medicating the pain of rejection. I had eight kids with a woman, who bacame alienated and replaced me emotionally with another woman. Just my personality, I did not have a lot of close freinds, my wife and family kept me occupied, and I felt you could not get close enough to each other. I knew when she was withdrawling, and this woman caused a transformation in attitude. How can you fault two people for making each other happy, except when the begin to say, Mary loves me and you don't, and suddenly are a much more positive person, and always heading to see Mary.
Anyway, divorce is pending after 2 years separation, no anything from her. I have hung out there for total five years dealing with this, very alone.
Not feeling free to enjoy normal relationships, as my family was my constant conceren, pornography got a bitter grip on me, and recently, on a single parent dating site a cam girl contacted me. I've been so isolated, I actually had a normal conversation and related apart from the reason we both might have been there. I know how sad this is, but the lure of intimace is very strong. Well because this is really human and interactive, I feel overwhelmed to get away from it. I actually connected with this woman, and my heads getting more scrambled than with the normal divorce anxiety, which has included panic attacks.
My wife insulted me sexually, and I feel a need also to find assurance, and have been complimented as a person from this woman, But it's also a noose, i wonder when the negative aspects of this will end, once I took character issues seriously, but when you had the best intentions and they are invalidated, I see the rationale behind a lot of behavior that's acting out. But what I'm saying, Is I want to get control of my life, my expectation for myself, which always ran through a familly mentality, but I'm becoming hauntingly dis -associated with life and myself, as my behavior is far from anything I could imagine myself being a part of . I can't believe what seemed like going through some tough spots in marriage turned into this.
In order to afford two housholds, I have to work so much I can't see my kids anyway,, so I'm spent, alone, and vulnerable and depressed. I think this is trying to medicate the problem, I may be too run down for a normal relationship, so the each access to intimacey is really temping.
Right now, im working late, and companionship is a click away, and reliable, and no more exploitative than what my wife is doing to me. I hate life right now, and some kids need a dad.

Hi...just wanted to say that I have compassion for you. Only you can change your life and find peace of mind. Looking at the long term - you have to know that easy intimacy isn't the way to achieve any kind of happiness.

I had an affair when I was married to my husband who once described himself as a sexual preditor...I didn't even ask what he meant - I didn't want to know. The darkness and the isolation he suffered from was too much for me - and so I sought happiness with another. In the end it didn't bring me happiness. I too had to go back and start over with myself...

He can only look to ourselves for happiness. My husband often said that if I wanted to laught I should have married a clown. That was hurtful because I wasn't looking at life as one big party - but I didn't want life to be so dark...

I'm not sure this is helpful - just wanted to tell you not to give up on yourself. Do good things for yourself, eat right, exercise, read, pray and volunteer - even if you don't have the time.

Reaching out to your kids and starting a healthy relationship could be your ticket to finding happiness.

Take care - and don't give up on achieving a happy and healthy live.

It's been a long time since I posted this, thank for you reply. I'd don't think I'm a sexual predator, just a sexual being. I had every reason to think I had a valid relationship, that included the gift of sex. Like maybe too many men, images popped up on my computer screen at a time when my wife was not only expressing indifference to me, and not only in the area of sex, but was "coming alive" to another woman. I always had strong beliefs about the sanctity of sex in marriage, but the bitterness I felt towards her and temptation to porn went side by side, my wife actually celebrated her indifference to me and expressed the love of this woman to me like a teenager defying a parent. Anxiety kept me awake at night, her interpretation of me was suffocating. If I had the mind, I should have gotten a lawyer, but I was programmed to not accept that optioin. Now I've filed for divorce, I hope to have a normal relationship someday, and this will have been a bad dream. I am doing 90% better, I think I'm beating it. I just really miss time and touch spent with someone, I was a very committed person, to family and marriage. I resent what she has stolen from me, she say thing now like I kept her pregnant all those years. it's a crock of... That's what I'm dealing with. She's trying to redifine herself at my expense, my success was a threat to her, not something she could support, my failure a reason to mock me. It's all poison, I hope she finds success, at her own expense, she'll see what I was dealing with, I was vulnerable every day of my life, and had to deal with her indifference. If someone ripped me off in business, she didn't even know the story, she'd pick the other side. Heavy stuff to deal with. I know I'm ranting, just needing closure.
Thanks again.