Post deleted by Humanista

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am in no position to give much in the way of advice as I am also very new to the MB site. The one thing that it may help to know is that apparently they all say the same things and tell the same lies.

Your description of your husband could easily be of my husband and other WS I have read about.

I have committed to following MB principles as best as I can and that is helpful because at least I feel I am doing something rather than waiting around and being a victim.

It is clear to me that I had adopted a policy of appeasement and he has continued to lie and cheat. I was told here that as long as there are no consequences for his behavior, he will keep right on lying and cheating. It would seem that the pain of a BS is not enough of a consequence. Exposing the affairs is essential. It feels like ******, but you have to do it.

Read other posts and advice given and read all the basic principles material. Plan A and go from there. I will pray specifically for you.

AS I said, I am new myself, but I know what it means when I log on and soemone has answered me. I hope knowing that someone has read this and knows you are out there is helpful.

By his stripes we are healed.

Me 37
WH 36
M 15 years
kids 13, 9, 5
d-day 7-06 and many times since

Hi Humanista,

I read your story and am so sorry for your pain. Many on these boards are suffering the same thing.

You may have done things wrong in the past (like most of us) but you are doing the right thing by posting on MB. It would be good if you re-posted this on the GQII forum. It's usually slow on the weekend so don't be dismayed if few answer. There is considerably more traffic on GQII.

I have a few other suggestions for you.

* Please double space between your paragraphs. Many of is in our 50's have difficulty with the small fonts and the long posts get blurred often.

* Decide if you want to save your marriage. If so, don't give him back the ring. You have the right to separate or even divorce, but if you want to save your marriage, it is very possible with the help of God and MB.

* In addition to posting and venting here, have you considered calling the MB counseling center for individual help or marriage counseling. Or do you have options for IRL (in real life) counseing?

* Attach a time-line similar to mine on your signature line after your posts. It makes it easier for folks to get a quick glimpse of whether or not they have thoughts that will help you when they don't have time to read your entire sitch.

* Read the basic concepts of this MB site and especially Mark's Musing Thread for Newbies which has great links for beginners.

I am learning myself, Humanista, and I'm not able to post very often during the daytime...but please hang in there and keep asking, even if responses seem slow and far between.

If you want, feel free to read my story attached to my signature link. I felt like you are feeling a year ago this week and last week. It is tough but you can do this if it's what you want.

Be Blessed,

Ace

Yes, it means a great deal just to have someone read my story and understand. This is so hard. I hope I am doing the right thing. I'm trying to be positive. I keep telling myself that he wants to stay married to me and keep our family together.
Thank you so much for responding.

Humanista

Another suggestion....when you repost on GQII, if you decide to do that.....KEEP your thread name the same so folks can find you when they want to check on you in the beginnng. If you change your title, it makes it harder.

You can do this Humanista....

I, too am praying for you.

Ace <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

PS BTW, I waited over 12 hours for my first response when I posted on a Saturday. That was back in January and I nearly gave up. Hang in there.

Post deleted by Humanista

Hi Humanista:

All you have done is refuse to help him lie any longer. He would like for you to feel guilty for revealing his activities. He cheated and lied. Period. Keeping his secrets only allows him to do it some more.

As far as your motives for telling, it should be about exposing lies and making it impossible for him to avoid consequences for his reprehensible behavior. You can't try to get back at him. If you expose with the stated intention of shining light and trying to reconcile your marriage, it may help you feel better about what you must do. It will also give more credence to those who hear what you have to say and make it hard for him to protray you as a crazy or hateful spouse.

I am praying for you and I mean that sincerely. We are all stronger than we knew or even wanted to be.

Romans: 5:3-5 We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

I can't say I am yet rejoicing as the apostle Paul does, but I do choose to perservere and grow in hope. I pray the same for you

Thank you for your kind words and support csong.

I meditate every day so I can get closer to my true nature of compassion and pray that all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. Once we understand impermanence and our own reasons for suffering (fear) we can work to be liberated from it.

Humanista

I see you have gone to Plan A. You are very brave to do so.

As for your meditation, working on compassion right now is likely the best thing you could do for your own spirit. It is hard to turn from anger and vengeance type thoughts when we are wounded, but choosing to do so really does free us.

I am reading a great book called "A New Kind of Normal". It is about our ability to choose compassion, hope , joy, etc. when life sucks. (to speak bluntly) We can choose to decide who we will be in this rather than let our circumstances dictate who we will be.

Also, I have neither the money nor the energy to develop the drinking habit that seems to be in order right now!

Gos bless. Will continue to pray for you.

Huh? What exactly does this mumbo jumbo mean?

How is this consistent with, or applicable to, your owm multiple affairs, your husband's multiple affairs, and your marriage to someone who has never truly believed in fidelity in marriage?

Just because you don't have the capacity to understand someone else's POV does not make it "mumbo jumbo". You are being disrespectful of someone who doesn't quote the Bible or believe as you do.
If you sincerely want to know what it means, ask me. Otherwise, you are just looking to ridicule my path.

For a start, think about what compassion means Look it up in the dictionary if that word is mumbo jumbo to you.

Thank you. It is heartening to me to have someone who understands that negativity is most destructive to the ones self, like acid eating at the container. I can still face reality, but I dont have to make myself miserable beyond functioning. I have a choice.

Humanista, you descend to ad hominum attacks rather than addressing the question regarding your "existentialisitic" musings.

No one is "ridiculing" your "path." Your path has gotten you to where you find yourself today. But it IS a valid question to ask ABOUT that path, since it is patently obvious that when the question is asked: "How's that path been working for you?", that it's not been working too well.

You see that as an attack. What is really going on is two things. First, WE are trying to understand you and your situation well enough to perhaps be able to offer advice that may be helpful to your stated desire of recovering your marriage. Second, we are trying to get YOU to think about the "status quo" that has been your life and to evaluate whether or not changes need to be made.

So let's just state one simple truth for now and you can think about it if you wish.

Why would anyone expect a different outcome if they keep doing the same things over and over again?

In another thread with this same title, you write a long paragraph about your theological beliefs. Would you be offended if I respnded with :
"Huh? What is all that mumbo jumbo?"
I think you might be. I dont' want to discuss religion, we obviously have different views on that. I just think that proclaiming your way is the only way for everyone is a bit arrogant. It's right for you. It may not be right for me.

Whatever my philosophy is now, obviously I didnt' have it 18 years ago or longer when I was a stupid, thoughtless selfish person with no self control.
I have had a few years to come to where I am now. I suppose I was in denial or turning a blind eye to my instincts and knowledge of what kind of person he was. I thought it was different with me. I can hear you all roaring with laughter. OK, I"m a fool and I am reaping what I sowed. I get that.
I delted my posts because I felt very discouraged and embarassed and that no one had any sympathy for me and probably enjoyed it that I was getting payback. And I have no defense. I do deserve it. It is my karma, big time. I should never have come here whining as if I were the totally wronged innocent party with a past like mine. People here feel deceived no doubt, that I didnt' tell the whole story in the beginning.
I feel as though there is no hope for my marriage after reading these posts and I understand why everyone is saying that. I'm just very depressed.

I am trying to do things differently so as to effect a different outcome. But the message I am getting is to give up on my husband. I thought Dr. Harley said in one of his articles that affairs are caused my unmet needs. I seem to be hearing that my WH will cheat on me no matter what I do, in his case it has nothing to do with unmet needs. Yet I know he has been very hurt by me and I have behaved hatefully toward him.

I appreciate your efforts, really I do. But I feel like a 3 time loser married to another loser and there is no point in whining about it, and no real hope.

Get out of your sick affair marriage.
Get into individual counselling
Get healthy
Then you might be ready for a real relationship built on trust not lies.

Humanista:

I am new here as I said before. I don't know your history so I can't comment as to most of your remarks.

I know that you have beliefs different from my own, but I feel the need to say that redemption is possible for anyone in any circumstance.

I am a Christian, and I believe that Jesus Christ offers redemptive love to us all regardless of our past mistakes and in spite of our current circumstances. No matter where you are and what you have done, you can be changed. As a matter of fact, truly understanding and following Jesus Christ requires that we change.

I have no idea what you should do in your marriage. I am trying my best to figure my own out. However, I simply can't have the knowledge of the grace and love that have transformed my own life and not share it with someone who so obviously is in need of love and hope.

Please know that I am praying for you and will be glad to continue in posting if you come back here. I hope you find genuine peace. The only peace I have in my situation is that derived from the joy of Christ.

God Bless.

Oh..... and apologising to all the Betrayed wifes you have personally harmed is an important step on the list as well.

No, Humanista, I wouldn't be offended. I am perfectly comfortable with explaining WHY I believe what I believe and discussing the benefits that accrue from a "right relationship with God."




Obviously. And it is your right to discuss or not discuss as you see fit.





Uh huh. The "point" here, Humanista, is that it is NOT "my way," it is God's way. You can, and have, chosen to do things "your way" without God. And God has let you.

But tell me, how "right" has been "your way" and "your husband's way" for you and your marriage?

Sorry I couldn't have been of more help. I was posting to you because I DID have sympathy for your situation, but NOT for the actions and choices that landed you in that situation.

God bless.

Just to be clear, when I say "your way" I do not mean a way you yourself created or thought up on your own.

I mean the belief system you subscribe to, believe in, think is the right one for everyone. If I say the Bible/Christianity is "your way" I do not mean you wrote it, only that you follow its teachings.

You have come to a worldview that makes sense to you, and helps you. I applaud that, always.

You would also agree that most people on this board are Christians or at least believe in God and have also made many mistakes and their marriages are
not working or they wouldn't be here. So Christianity itself is not the cure-all to anything.

Following certain principles of behaviour and treatment of other people, forgiveness and so on will make anyone's life better whether they are Christians or some other religion.


My personal belief system has evolved, especially over the past 2 years. If I had followed mine as closely and sincerely and with understanding, I WOULD have a better marriage and life, I would make better choices.

We all fall short of the goal, but it is in the striving that we make progress, eh?

If you say so, Humanista. I disagree, but that's because striving may make "progress," but if the striving is either geared to attaining the wrong goal, and/or if we think "I am in control" but can't impose my standards on someone else, then it's a "false control" and totally "me" oriented.

The biblical quote is more precise, imho. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." The Standard is determined by God, as is the purpose for our being. We were created BY God, FOR God, and in the image OF God. The "goal" is eternity (where and with whom), not just the "here and now."


So when you talk of "belief systems" there can be only one "right system." Granted that many "belief systems" exist that individuals want to embrace for themselves, it should be equally obvious that they can't all be right. So how does that relate to "World views" that you mentioned?

You can think of life as a movie, and the movie is "Directed by....." (God or Me)

There are two phrases that directly relate to this and to the "difference."

"I will."

"If the Lord wills."

They result in two radically different "world views" that are a result of who is really Directing.