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Humanista,
You could quite easily be the OW/now wife in my situation. She has a relationship history very similar to yours. No boundaries when it comes to getting what she wants, even if its someone else's husband.
Do you understand that there are hundreds of betrayed wives here that are fighting or fought for their marriages where an OW/now wife (similar to you) pursued their husband without regard to the devistation to them and their children? The same devistation you're feeling? The difference is, you signed-up to be betrayed. We didn't.
Jo
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Yes I understand.
I never took away someone else's husband to be mine. My current husband had been divorced 2 years when I met him. My other 2 husbands were single. 4 of the 5 men I had affairs with over the years were single. I am NOT making excuses, it was still terrible. And one time OM was married and that was the main reason I ended it after just a few months. It was unforgiveable to do that to another woman. I will carry that with me forever. That was 18 years ago and they are still married, have been for 30 years.
Humnista, you say you understand?
Think about this a minute. You clearly state that in your own mind adultery with someone who is married (and the corrollary that if the OP is not married even if you were, your own adultery was "forgivable") is unforgivable.
"It was unforgiveable to do that to another woman. I will carry that with me forever."IF it was "unforgivable" to you, WHY would you be surprised to find out that some members posting to you would also find your own excursions into adultery against your own spouses as being "unforgivable" to them?
What EXACTLY did you think would be the reaction? If you didn't think that others found adultery to be disgusting, why would you have "repented" or felt "remorse" for your previous escapades?
You say you want to remain married to this serial cheater (YOU were marrried when you had your affair with him and he has NOT stopped his "cheatin' ways" and isn't likely to since he maintains his "secrecy and secret ways).
But what is the "real reason" you want to remain married to him? It seems to be fear, not love. You are my age now, so perhaps it's the fear of being alone and not being "young enough" to go get another man?
"I am terrified that if I tell his mother, for instance, he will become so enraged he will divorce me."Consider this; as long as you live in this fear, your husband "wins" and is in control. Your fear is NOT shared by him, it is used as weapon for controlling you so he CAN cheat anytime he feels like it.
I also find it interesting that you have gone back and deleted the majority of your posts. Why?
How, exactly, do you suppose others may be able to offer some help to you when you eliminate the only source of information they have about you and your situation?
Because you are offended that some others on MB are offended that you ARE a former multiple cheater who is now on the "receiving end" of the pain that cheating causes?
Humanista, you say you "repented" of your affairs. Perhaps you did and staying married without cheating (I assume you have not had anymore affairs) may be an indication of that changed belief system, or it could just be because you are "fearful" of being divorced (as you did to your former husbands) or wanted to stay married for "the good of the children." We will likely never know.
But people who are upset with you (yourself a former multiple adulterer who had little if any respect for marriage or for fidelity in marriage) are upset BECAUSE all adultery has consequences, including your former adulteries. What I "hear" in your retort is NOT "repentance," but "justification" and that others have no right to be "offended" or to state that they are "offended" by someone who IS "reaping what they sowed." Just like seed in the ground takes time before the results can be harvested, the seed you sowed was the seed of infidelity.
Your current husband KNOWS that, and he knows you chose faithfulness only so long as you "felt like it," just like himself. That's what made you "sympatico."
You entered the marriage WITH a known person of no respect for the sanctity of marriage, and he has proven to be true to his nature. You want to save the marriage with this man? Why?
On WHAT basis do you think you could EVER trust him to "forsake ALL others and keep himself ONLY unto you?"
I see Adultery as first and foremost a sin against Holy God. Repentance of sin is a theological concept that rests in the dual existence of both God and "sin" (as defined as willful disobedience TO that Holy God and His commands). "Repentance" without God as the reason for that repentance is a "human construct" that does not change the basic nature of the "beast." And the "beast" is sin in all its forms and its results.
It is obvious from your husband's actions that he does not believe in God. I assume the same holds true for you unless you have had a change in that area since your own "cheatin' days."
You asked a valid question that deserves an honest answer, which you will get here, unlike the way your husband treats you, even if it does cause you pain or hurt feelings.
"Is that the philosophy here? No matter what, people are damned for the rest of their life for things they did earlier?"Some people here DO think that way. That is their right. This is especially true for BETRAYED Spouses who have had their Unfaithful Spouse treat them to the same behavior you treated your former husbands. They see you, at least from an emotional reaction standpoint, as "getting a taste of what you put your former husbands through and what they are being put through by their similarly unfaithful spouse."
I think the term you are looking for is FORGIVENESS. The "problem" with wanting forgiveness for past sins is that, once again, SIN is a theological concept and the only person who CAN forgive sin and "wipe the slate clean" is God. PEOPLE tend to forgive AS God has forgiven them for their own sins. If God has not forgiven the sins (because someone has rejected the only way TO have their sins forgiven), WHY would it be surprising if other people, "mere humans and not themselves God," would not be forgiving of what God has not forgiven?
What happens without that is similar to that of a convicted rapist who is now "sorry" they got caught, maybe even "sorry" that they caused so much pain. But others do not want that rapist around because the basic nature has not changed. As long as a person has not truly surrendered their life to God through accpetance of Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, they remain "as they were," still sinners controlled by their "sin-nature."
Can people CHOOSE fidelity over infidelity even without God? Yes of course. But without God, each person remains the "god" of their own life and is accountable only to themselves for what is "Right and Wrong." Clearly your husband has never changed, even if you have decided at the "late date" (following at least 5 affairs and a couple of divorces) that perhaps fidelity in marriage IS what you want, and adjusted your behaviors to align with that new thought.
So here you are asking how to save your marriage to an unchanged cheater, one who WILL NOT be an open book to you and who maintains his secrecy SO HE CAN continue to cheat whenever the mood hits him.
That task alone would be daunting enough. But you "flip out" when others here, suffering from or having suffered through and emerged victorious from adultery by THEIR spouse, "offend" you by pointing out you are getting now what you gave to your former husbands and what they have received from their own spouses?
Humanista, if you really want help, there needs to be some fundamental changes in both yourself and in your husband.
The question is whether or not either one of you is ready and willing to make the needed changes.
Remember this if you don't remember anything else, it takes TWO to have a successful marriage and it takes TWO to have a CHANCE at recovering a marriage assaulted by adultery.
Good luck.
