Humanista,

Listen to Melody, she is the exposure expert here. You have THE best.

Jo

OINK!

SNORT!

When you play in the mud, expect to get dirty!

Better be careful Mel, the pigs may cut off your.....bacon supply!

snort! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I dont' know if he is in contact with either of them. He says he is considering contacting OW1 because I called her and told her about OW2.
OW1 divorced her husband in Aug 05, 6 months after the A began and 1 month after I found out. She has grown children, but I dont' know their names,
I have photos from the PI only of OW1. It just shows her going in and out of his office, nothing of them together.

I have nothing concrete to show OW2's husband. There are cell phone records but not unusual, and WH uses his cell for business . OW2 was a client.
Based on her apologies to me and how she's getting back with her husband, I do think he knows about the A although I dont' know if he knows all the details or not.

In fact, I know he does, because--I forgot to tell you this--the morning after D Day2, I called OW2 and my cell died so I drove to her house (looked it up on the internet) and her H answered the door. I asked to speak to OW2 and he said he didn't think that was a good idea because they were not prepared, and I was upset,but maybe the 4 of us could sit down together and talk at some point. I said I just wanted to see what she looks like, and turned aroudn and left.

I saw her in person maybe 5 years ago and dont' remember clearly what she looks like, except pretty.

I dont' see that it matters that he know every detail that I do.

Her MC has said no contact so I dont' think there is any. It was not an EA, I dont' think WH is attached to her anymore.

It's OW1 I'm worried about, as he still "has feelings" for her and hasn't decided if he will give up photos of her or agree to NC.

Hey, Humanista,

How's it going this morning?

Ace

HI Ace,

I'm OK. I am initiating Plan A when I get home today. I haven't seen WH for 5 days, but we have talked on the phone. He is still debating on whether to call OW1 and try to repair the damage done when I told her about OW2 last month.
He has read the Marriage Builders material on no contact but still hasnt' decided if he will agree to it or not.
Thursday we leave on a vacation for our anniversary. I will be totally into Plan A and continue for as long as I think it is working. If he continues with OW, I will go to Plan B.
I read another section of this board where people discussed the pros and cons of telling family. I'm still thinking about that.
Overall, I am better, THANKS TO EVERYONE ON THIS BOARD!

THANK YOU!

You all --and Dr. Harley's matereial--have been a lifesaver for me.
And yes, my books are already on their way from Amazon.

Humanista

H, your husband should agree to never ever speak to either of these women ever again. The damage was done when he had an affair, not when his stupid, sleazy gf found out about it. Good grief. That is just unacceptable for him to call her. The only possible reason he doesnt want her to know the truth about his sleazy behavior is because he wants to keep that door open.

And just how is he going to "repair the damage" by calling up his mistress? By LYING TO HER? And what about the damage caused to his marriage by calling her?

humanista, are you smoking CRACK? Why are you sitting there while your H mistreats you like this? You are foggier than him!

I would skip over Plan A and move right to Plan B unless he will agree to end all contact with his gf's. This mess has gone on for YEARS and you are now just enabling your H. These affairs HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH UNMET NEEDS.

Humanista, here is what Dr Harley wrote to another woman in a similar situation who was married to a callous serial cheater:

Humanista,

Mel cuts to the chase and it will save your marriage if you follow her advice.

We enablers have a hard time with it, but take my word for it.....read my sig line. I tried to apease...just like you are. Dr. Harley has proven that it won't work.

Please listen to Mel. You can do this....we will be here to help you. Please take this advice NOW.

Ace

Unfortunately, in this case I tend to agree with Dr. Harley and Mel.

I worry that you know of only two, and perhaps the reason he is upset that you told OW1 of OW2 is because he doesn't want 3, 4, 5......to find out?

Call me paranoid, but I have a bad feeling on this one. Especially since your revelation about his other other woman 10 years ago.

Perhaps this explains his strong reluctance to allow you into his computer.

Maybe that PI needs to stay on the case. Dig into his cellphone records some, and maybe look and see if there is another one somewhere. I would also find out what he does while he's supposedly at work.

This one worries me.

SB

Humanista
I'm glad you found this board and are getting some good advise. At least you will finally have a plan on how to salvage your M. This is great!

I need to be rather serious here and throw in some caution that most others do not want to talk about <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.



Hate to be the wet blanket here but there is one more very important thing to be considered here. If your plan A includes anticipated SF with your WH, has he been completely checked out for STD's and HIV? Do you really want to roll the dice on this danger considering your H has had multiple A's?

The specialist I saw stated that 80% of people who are sexaully active, will probably pick up some form of STD or worse. Sexually active indicating multiple partners. Those words floored me.

Plan A is a great plan and there is none finer IMHO, to be found anywhere. But if it includes SF, you must gaurantee some measure of protection for youself before you proceed. This, I believe, is the one flaw in Plan A as it is never discussed. Should be IMHO.

I wish you well,

All Blesings,
Jerry

SF means sex I assume?

I had myself tested for STD's. All came back negative. I did have unprotected sex with him on our romantic weekend (after I got test results) but was planning to insist on protection on our vacation.

Humanista:

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here. But now that you are, your WH isn't going to know what hit him.

You are being advised to do a number of things. They don't sound like the "right" things to do.

WHO was told you NOT to do them? WH.

WHO else can you be a honest with? We may be out here on the internet, but we know alot more about A's than most people IRL.

We happen to be the Vets. Been There, Done That.

Personnally? I would divorce your H.

His cheating ways have continued your entire relationship and he has complete freedom to do as he pleases. Which meeans, OW1, OW2 and now OW3. Its just a matter of time until you discover OW4, and OW5, Etc.

Any attempts on your part to establish accountability on his part are met with great resistance.

He no longer has any Shame.

Exposure and actual Divorce? SCARES HIM TO DEATH.

That ain't shame, that's vanity and financial security.

The things you are being asked to do, need to be done. You can wait, but they will still need to be done.

Otherwise your WH will continue doing what he is doing.

His claim that he is "owed" a phone call?

I was really disappointed that my OW never contacted me three weeks after Dday, and SHE WAS SOOOO IN LOVE WITH ME....

I SO WANTED to call her and ask her what was wrong with her....YOU were so IN LOVE WITH ME...

But I didn't.

The only reason for your WH to want to call OW1, OW2, OW3, OW4 and OW5 is to get back into thier pants.

If your WH wants to claim: "I'm OWED this call" And it works, he will use it again.

And if it doesn't, he will come up with another reason. We need to decide something about the HS reunion. OR: Her company just placed a big order and I want to say "thank you!" OR: It's been a long time, how are things?

Plan A on your Vacation. Spend alot of money. Enjoy yourself.

Because unless your WH really decides to change? To commit to being Open and Honest with You? To recognize in the MB principles that he was to meet your Emotional Needs, like you are going to do for him in Plan A.?

Because if he doesn't, you then have to decide that you are going to continue to live with a man who is looking for his next roll in the hay.

Because he is.

LG

Post deleted by Humanista

I gotcha. So this is an affair marriage that started as an affair? I can understand why you wouldn't feel right complaining since this is what you signed on for. You knew full well going in what to expect so you can't exactly protest. So I guess acceptance is in order.

Amazing. Cheaters...........................cheat.

I have no defense and realize you know far more about these things than I do. But I did not sign on for infidelity, I really didn't. I thought we had BOTH changed. I was fearful that he would cheat on me but I hoped he wouldn't.
Stupid, I know, but he could have said the same thing about me and I WAS faithful, so I think it can go either way, although I know what you are saying--the odds are heavily against affair marriages working.
I knew he was a snake when I took him in.

I guess I deserve every single thing I am getting.

You know, my dad was like that! He was married and divorced EIGHT TIMES and had 4 Xwives show up at his funeral. He was a lean, mean cheatin machine! His current girlfriend [Lord only knows how a terminally ill man can get a girlfriend, but he did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />] visited me before the funeral and asked that a photo of she and my dad be displayed at his funeral. I said of course and asked her to leave it on the table.

After she left, I took a gander and it was from 1979!!! It was a winners circle photo of one of my dad's horse races and sure enough, there was my dad and Judy! Puzzled, I took the picture to wife #5 and asked her how this could be! She said "honey, that was your daddy's mistress for 35 years!" **THUD**

So, I know all about affairs, affair marriages and "non-judgmentalism!" We had lots and lots of NON-JUDGMENTALISM in my family! LOTS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But you knew he probably WOULD. At least you KNEW going in so you can't really complain.

The jury is still out on you too dear. Ms multi affairs in multi marriages. Sheesh.

Humanista,

You are calling your husband a snake, but did you not also cheat on your then-husband to be with this "snake"?