While others advocate silence, if you are not in plan B that is clearly spelled out, then you may need to notify him of the following:

1. His actions scare and confuse you. The ILYNLY actions are harmful for you and your child.

2. As a result, you don't feel safe even when he says what sounds nice because he babble so much.

3. Ask him why does he want his family back and what is his plan to show he is worthy of being allowed back into your family?

4. If he wants his family back, here is what he needs to do. If he balks at anything, he isn't worth taking back.

Yep, say it straight up. Don't assume anything nice. That's his job, to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he can and does provide a safe and loving environment.

L.

here's my email if you ever want to talk r_u_dat_sumbody@yahoo.com

I too have thought about the scare tactic of a D...but too scared to play that game myself. I'm so weak.

I 'sorta' did the scare tactic of a D in my case...but the deal was, I completely meant it.

My wife had an online EA, was all set to go live with the OM...that she'd never met in person. Even when the EA ended (mostly...some sporadic contact was still ongoing), and she'd gone through the worst of her withdrawl, she still insisted on the two of us seperating. I (foolishly) went along with it, even helping her to fill out job apps, build her resume, etc...

But when she told me that the only place she could find on her own had a year lease, but that didn't bother her, it turned into another blowout. I thought about it overnight, and when I went into work the next day, I setup an appt with a legal advisor to talk about divorce, and got the base info I needed for D in our state.

When I came home that night, she started in about the whole thing again, very angrily. I had enough. I pulled out the paperwork, and made it clear to her that I wasn't willing to accept a year plus long trial seperation. If she wanted to be seperate for a year, I was filing for divorce. I wasn't going to accept being put 'on hold' for a year or more.

That scared her. She had stopped her EA when she realized that she really stood a chance of losing me and the kids if she left to be with him. And now again, she realized I was serious...I wasn't willing to sit on my thumb for a year hoping she'd choose to come back. Especially when she admitted that she'd likely contact OM and see where that went. I told her it was her choice... no more delays. I'd either start the paperwork the next day, or not.

That night she chose to rebuild the marriage. And to her credit, she stuck with that. We're now 3 years + into recovery.

I'm not saying it will work in every case. But this is what happened in mine.

I'm already more than half way into the D. I don't think he will anything to prove to me he wants his family. I feel so bad, so bad that I wasted almost one year hoping he would change and leave the A and it didn't happen. How can he not even bother to sign a release form to see his son? Does he even bother to think about his family or is this there free time to add more LOVE to the A? I feel it's unfair because I'm all sad and heartbroken right now that we are not with him/while he is probably having the time of his life getting with the OW. I know he would need to do a lot to prove that this time he is serious about the M and has gotten over the A. As the days go by-I feel that the possibilites of saving our marriage are diminishing. any words of encouragement? Thanks!

My H e-mailed me today,he hopes the love I have for him, turns into hate. Yesterday he e-mailed also saying he loves me with all his heart. What is possibly going through this man's mind? One day he thinks one thing, the next something else. The worst part about it, I respond to those e-mails. I feel so much anger, I respond with negative words. Today his attny called mine to set up schedule for visitation with our child. I'm so nervous, visitation begins next week and I sure don't want to see him. I wonder if he will be taking OW with him when we meet to give him our son. As the days go by, I'm starting to lose the little hope I had about uniting back in marriage. I just feel he is playing with my mind---(playing mind games). How do you control that? How do I make him stop? I'm feeling much better now, not completely, but a little better. I went this weekend to do a makeover, it has helped me bring my self esteem a little bit up. Thanks everyone who has left some words of advise.

This weekend was horrible....I couldn't stop thinking about this, wondering what he was doing,if he still missed me and our son. Apparently not, because he makes not attempt to call me. This is probably his free time to go out and have a fun time with OW. When will the FOG end? There has been NC between me and him for almost three weeks now. On certain days he e-mails me saying how much he loves me-on others he says I made a good decision of processing Divorce. Does he even care about losing his family? Is he even worried? Or has OW completely taken over his life?

I have to ask. How was the marriage before the affair? Does your husband have a drinking problem?

Before the A, things were wonderful. I was living in paradise. Things started changing slowly....He used to enjoy drinking with his family, but we would end up fighting after he would do that. I think he is utilizing drugs but who knows. I think that men who are having an A and are in lot of FOG, act diferent every day. DOn't know.

Yes, they are in a fog. However, if there are substance abuse problems, the MB advice doesn't work.

When was all the FOG disappear? My H is not living with us and our only contact is through e-mail. The fog is never going to disappear that way. What do I need to do on my end? They are probably enjoying there free time right now! Please help!

Today was the first time I saw my H since my son and I left the home 3 weeks ago. We met at a place so that I could give him our son and he was going to spend the night at my H's home. (actually our home because everything is still under my name). He had been e-mailing me basically every day for the last three weeks telling me how much loves me and misses me. Today that we saw each other---not ONE single word came out of his mouth! Not even to say hello/goodbye. I was at least expecting that, but I guess I was asking for too much. Why all these different reactions? Confused, please help!

Well - He may not be truely happy with her. You left and he doesnt like that. He has to act like he doesnt want you because he's hurting too (Pride). There are moments he's fog and then there are moments he's not and misses you like crazy...hence the emails. If you guys were to spend lots of time together, you will find he may start verbally telling you the things in his email. But because visits are short...he makes them short...all he want is his son and to leave....its too painful seeing you. If he can limit himself from you-it wont hurt as much, maybe he can get over you but at the same time he dont want to.

I dont know, what do you think? This is how it was with my WH-I guess.

As the days go by, I feel that my H is losing interest in me. He has not e-mailed me any more nor text messaged me. It only lasted the first 2 weeks of our separation. I guess I need to start facing reality that our M is over. He probably got tired of me constantly bringing up the OW. I guess Ill just have to wait for court date in a couple of weeks. any ideas?

i am going to answer you to bump you up.

Does H know you are interested in working on M?

Cali--

IMO, you have to do some serious soul searching about whether or not you want to be with this person. Anyone that would leave his spouse and child with -400 in the account, and diapers and formula to buy-- doesn't deserve a loving spouse.

If you are in Plan B and you feel inclined to let him know that you want to reconcile, be prepared to let him know the conditions, which should be, no more affairs, complete honesty, a real effort, and time to step up to the plate in regard to being a man, and not a child. Let him know that these past actions are intolerable and cruel, and you deserve better.

Being married "at any cost" is a steep price to pay.

Just MHO.

I think he feels I'm tired of all the emotional and psychological abuse that I went through when I was by his side. (Which I am.) I've already told him all the conditions that would make me go back home, but he is not willing to change. He wants to put the conditions for me to change---Stop asking questions and let it be. So easy for him to say. On Friday, he gave me a CD with our picture on the label which read "With much love to you". He had made the CD with all the romantic songs that we used to hear when we were dating. He even leaned over and squeezed me really hard-he tried to give me a kiss but I turned and he missed. Why is he trying to give me false signals? Does he just want to make sure that I'm still there begging for his attention or is he really interested? He doesn't do ANYTHING that makes me thing twice about stopping the D. I guess that is what he wanted all along that is why he doesn't say no to it.

My WH is going through mood swings, one day he e-mails me and tells me how much he loves me and misses me. Other days he tells me how he wishes the D would soon be over so that he can start a new life. I just want him to stop and see what he is missing out on, his wife, his son...his family. Do WH think at all when they are in fog? Do they have feelings? Do they think about that fact that they might end up losing there family? any advice.