IFC,


It just takes time. About 6-8 weeks of NO CONTACT to start feeling better. There really is no other way to do it. Don't be friends with her, don't call to see how she is doing, try as hard as you can not to sit in your office and wonder about what she is doing, who she is seeing, what she is thinking......... That friendship is GONE.

With your child, you have a different set of rules. Others will disagree with me, but I look at it as if I am a divorced father. Are all divorced father bad parents????
I don't think so. I call my girl at least 2-3 time a week.
The conversation at her age don't last very long, but I want her to know that I do care about her. I am also in the process to get a better legal visitation plan in place.

From your earlier posts, you had serious doughts as to weather you and GF could make it. LISTEN to that!!!!!! Not so much just to save your M, but to save yourself. What would you tell your son if he knock some woman up and didn't love her. Would you tell him to go marry her??????? I think not.

IMHO you do have an obligation to you child, others can disagree, but that is where I come down on it. It does not mean you have an obligation to GF. She willingly jumped into bed with you, she gets at least 50% of the blame for getting knocked up. She knew you were just separated and she darn well knew you were not married to her (GF).

So as I said before, put your guilt over GF in the trash can, because now that your leaning to be back with the W, you are going to have a fight on your hands over visitation.
Again, this is assuming that your W will be agreeable.

The only plus I can see is at least you were not banging both at the same time, it's not much but at least you got that.



I don't think their is a way. You just let your child know that you love them very much.


That conversation did not go well for me either.


Well, just be honest about your feelings for her and with yourself. I will stress again, don't do this halfa$$ed. Not all M work out. Just because you are leaving OW, does not default you to going back to W. If you feel you have a real shot at truly loving your W, then please, do as is suggested. If this is just about you not wanting to be alone, then leave your W alone and proceed with the D.


Counselor's are a funny bunch. The two that we seen told us to divorce. Read the books I posted about starting with Love Busters. Then use the counselor to bounce ideas off of.

TH

So?

We're on pins here.

Spoken out, not much conversation after that.
We have talked more this week, see what the weekend brings.

Conseling was odd...confused me more in terms of what i wanted. Will give it another shot in 2w, but felt being steered away from resolving marriage.

C is not about "steering" - the c is not the one at the helm.

C should be about figuring it out for yourself...find YOUR path.

I know that feeling :-)

If you do your homework as suggested, you will find that the AVERAGE M Counselor does not know there Butt from a hole in the ground when it comes to these situations.

They often default to a "practical solution", such as "you don't have children with your W, yada, yada, yada........."

I can give you real life examples of a couple who do not have children of there own where they are still married and are happy.


What you are seeking is that feeling of "romantic love". We all are, and the question swirling around your head is can you ever get that feeling with your W? Can you be happy with her?

With skill, a plan, and a determination to try, the odds are VERY HIGH.

You can try the "open market", but then your dealing with a lot of UNKNOWNS. With your W, it is PROVEN you can be in love with her. IT CAN HAPPEN AGAIN!

You both need to work at it, but like me, it is good and encouraging to your W to take the lead.

TH

You sounded like the C there!
I don't think he had any idea of what i have bottled in my mind. At least it was a good sounding board to blow it all out in the open. He was very practical and i thought steering to a "quick fix".
I spoke of how i regret being in the situaiton i am today, the fog issues, and how i know my W is a great woman not that i look back and discussed her. Biggest discussion was a reflection from me of how i screwed things up and didn;t care when i was doing it, but now i find myself wearing my wedding band...i stopped wearing my wedding band ~Jan'06 out of personal frustration, and make an effort now to slip it back on every morning.
You are right on the romantic love side, trying to discover if its still there or can be there again. This will take time and patience though.

I have a different C to see next week. My W went to him before, but she stopped going when we separated.

W and i didn't speak much this weekend. But at least we are communicating still. We plan to go out tuesday to honor lost friends at the memorials.

From your earlier posts, you had serious doughts as to weather you and GF could make it. LISTEN to that!!!!!! Not so much just to save your M, but to save yourself. What would you tell your son if he knock some woman up and didn't love her. Would you tell him to go marry her??????? I think not.


I tell my son that if he "knocks some women up" then he has to pay the consquences for it,and if it means marrying her then he should, I can't think of a better reason then to marry someone then for a child, isn't that child worth that? I would never want a child of mine to think that he wasen't worth it. You just sounded so cold to the child and the GF. this is a girl that he met when the divorce was already happening, he states that she is the one for him and now he is talking like she is just clinging to him because she sense's that he is leaving her,,,how sad for her and with her being pregnant, and sad for that baby because this person can't make up his mind.

I do not agree with that at all. So, you would have preferred my FWH leave me and three kids behind for the sake of one child, just because he made a stupid mistake? He made a committment to his wife and that should be honored above all else. An OC should never be put before the commitment you made to your spouse whether you have children or not. The pregnant OW should have known better than to get mixed up with a married man seperated or not. Married is still married. I find it hard to believe you have this view point as a BS. How would you have felt if you were the wife? It is up to the BS to end this marriage, not him. He has no right to no matter what else is going on. It is HER choice as to whether he stays or goes. I don't feel sorry for the OW at all, she got herself into this situation by having an adulterous affair that resulted in a b1st1rd child. She made her bed, now sleep in it. And she still has h&ll to look forward to.

No child deserves to come from a home where the parents married just for the kid. They will eventually resent eachother and the child for being stuck. Yeah, that sounds like a great thing to do.

first of all he was talking in general that if his son "knocked up a women" that is more of what I am commenting on, also this person was already near the end of the D, thats how I took it, now the wife makes a notion that she wants him back and he is leading them both on, thats how I get it. and they don't have 3 kids, they have no kids.

But the divorce was not final, so therefore they are still married. Sometimes it takes the final days of a divorce to stop someone's heart. Reality may have set in and she panicked. He is in a very tough situation. He is living with the OW and unless the BS invites him home, where can he go right now? I do agree with you that he seems to be hanging on to them both in case one of them leaves. Kinda a back up women. And yes, that is infuriating. He does need to make a firm decision and move out on his own ASAP. However, I still don't feel the OC should have any bearing on his decision to try again with his wife. I know it sounds harsh, but the OC should be an after thought compared to his marriage.

yeah, your right on that, the marriage should of come first, I guess if it had there wouldn't of been a D in the first place, I just feel bad for the baby and the GF that he is now lying to cause she obviously dosen't know what he is thinking. I was born out of wedlock in, well along time ago, and raised by an Aunt and Uncle that were awful, thats neither here nor there but I always wanted a "real" mom and dad, people who have that take it for granted, so I guess its just more of a personal issue for me, not meant to hurt anyone else, truly. yes the marriage should come first and he jumped into something he shouldn't of and now who suffers? in the end, the innocent baby, its just a sad situation all the way around and its horrible for a BS to go through that, that is the first thing I asked my WS.

Peace DF.

Sometimes "real" families don't fit the normal mold.

Mine doesn't, but that doesn't make the children less mine or my responsibility.

ETA: ((((((((((((DF))))))))))) It takes a village to raise a child. I'm so sorry your villagers weren't worthy of you!

Thanks DD, I appreciate that, I am ok, turned out fairly normal, oops, no I didn't. look at my marriage LOL
gotta have humor

DF,

It isn't you that wasn't normal about your marriage. Your WH screwed up, not you. Yes you have some accountability in the steps that created the fall of the marriage, but in no way did the A have anything to do with you. The fact that you are on this website and trying to make a difference in your marriage, shows just what kind of character you have. Obviously you excelled dispite your upbringing. And that takes strength that no amount of parenting or lack thereof can give you. And unfortunatly our marrieges are becoming the norm. Sad isn't it? It IS very sad that these children have to pay for their parents selfish and stupid mistakes, but that is the chance a woman takes when she brings a child into these types of situations. Bottom line, leave married men alone and give yourself and your children the best chance possible at a happy life. My family was the opposite of yours, but my husband comes from a very broken and disturbed background. My parents are still married and neither has ever been unfaithful. We went to church every Sunday and had the picture perfect life. But in the end I am still on this website talking to you. My strength may come from a different source than yours, but we are still using it the same way.

Lostandcertain,
Nice post, I agree, and it is sad.

he needs to be honest with both of them.

honesty is an absolute must.

IFC,


Just spend time together.

DoingFine,

I get EXACTLY where his daughter is at. I have a daughter of my own I wish I could be with very much. If I had the choice, I would take my daughter in in a second, but that just is not the case or an option right now.

I am sure he wants to be there for his daughter just like I do for mine.

TH