I'm seeking understanding if a marriage has failed, is it best not to look back and stay with the new child and OW, or give the marriage a second chance? I feel guilty of abandoning my wife, but at the same time don;t want to do the same to my child. I have no children with my wife, and we are young (less than 30yrs old).

I was with the OW after being separated, and we had a blessing of a child together. It wasn't planned, but thats the story of this message board...

The divorce was getting ugly at the beginning, and i was fully comitted to moving on happilly with my new woman and child together without looking back.
Now...my wife wants to reconcile, but i can;t bear to tell her of the child. She knows i've been seeing other woman, but wants to work through the mess and stay together. I've been with her for 8 years, married for 3. The marriage was hard from the beginning, no intimacy, no conversation, depression, being taken for granted. I supported her without asking for anything, and one day couldn;t see a light at the end of the tunnel. As soon as we got married, it just disintegrated. With the divorce coming next week, we've been talking and communicating more than we did before the marriage. PArt of me feels emoptionally attacheded to her, but i am not sure if it is guilt and a personal emotional trap of mine about being afraid to let go. We hurt eachother many months ago, yet i still tear up when we speak about the good times and getting back together. I feel like I just left her like a peice of garbage which hurts me, and i've broken a lifelong vow i made infront of everyone and God.

On the other side, i will have a child soon with a woman that is fantastic with me. She is everything I need and an incredible mate. We live together, but have sep apartments right now. I feel so much love for my child, that i don;t want to let her down and always be there for her.

This is hard, but i think i just need to be strong emotionally, as someone is going to get hurt like you said above.

I guess if my marriage was in such a sham, is it worth even going back to "try" to fix things. I donl;t know how much one can change aside from "words and promises".
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

How long have you known the OW?
How long have you been involved with the OW emotionally?
How long have you been involved with the OW sexually?
How long have you been living with the OW?

1-yr to all, living 6months.

we divorce "officially" on Tuesday...confused if i go through with original plan or withdraw the divorce.

Your wife needs to be rid of you, in my opinion, and SHE, not you, has the God-given right to a divorce, since you mentioned God.

Tell her about the child, she has a right to know so that SHE can decide if you are "worth her."

As for your comment about God, let's be perfectly clear here. God is NEVER the author of sin nor does He "condone" adultery. IF God, and being obedient to God is important to you, then you need to know that you are about as far away from God right now as one can get. If you'd care to talk about your relationship with God, let me know and I'll discuss that with you.

But do not try to say that "God meant for me and the OW to be together and to commit adultery." Here is precisely what God HAS said about it; "Thou shalt NOT commit adultery." What you are doing is rationalizing and justifying your own very wrong choices.

If you are looking for validation of your adultery, you have chosen the wrong place to look for it because we are committed to fidelity and to saving marriages that have been devastated by adultery.




Don't forget living a lie the entire time.

"I'm seeking understanding"

It's really simple: You are committing adultery. It's all fun and games for the adulterers for a while but then comes a time to face the consequences. What about that do you not understand?

"if a marriage has failed"

Your 'marriage' is not a person that has the ability to make choices to either prevent or produce failure. It is your responsibility to ensure that your marriage does not fail. Whatever problems there were in your marriage it was your responsibility to seek whatever help is available to resolve them. BTW adultery is never a solution to marital problems.

"is it best not to look back"

No this is not 'best' - this is selfish irresponsibility. This is running away.

"and stay with the new child and OW"

'Stay' for how long? Stay until this new relationship starts to have some problems and you use those imperfections to find another adulteress to escape to?

"or give the marriage a second chance?"

You are still a married man. It is your responsibility to do all you can to protect and repair the damage you have done to your betrayed wife and marriage.

"I feel guilty of abandoning my wife"

Because you ARE guilty!

"but at the same time don;t want to do the same to my child."

Don't use an innocent child as your excuse to do wrong.
Adultery is wrong. The best thing for your child would be to be adopted by a couple who can model a faithful marriage to them - not being parented by unrepentant adulterers. Besides, with your selfishness and irresponsibility it's doubtful you will stay with OW and her child anyway once the honeymoon phase of your adultery is over.

"I have no children with my wife, and we are young (less than 30yrs old)."

Confess to your wife ASAP. She has a right to know the truth and to have the chance to divorce you and start a new life with a MAN of integrity.

How shameful that you brought an innocent child into an adulterous shack up situation. Statistically, affair marriages rarely make it because they are based on fraud and deceit, the absolute worst traits of any potential marriage partner. To make matters worse, shacking up also increases the chances that you will never make it.

This is a good example of why women should never put out for free. Your OW now is saddled with an out of wedlock baby and a completely faithless, uncommitted cheater who will do to her what he did WITH HER. She will likely end up as a welfare mama raising her baby alone. How smart is that?

But, she signed on for this and will learn this lesson the hardest way. Along with the poor child who will pay dearly for this foolishness.

Like Foreverhers pointed out, God never condones adultery. Do something right for once, like he suggested, and tell your wife the truth and give her a divorce. She can do much better than this.

Do your wife a favor and let it go through to completion so she can find something better. Let her go. Do something FOR HER.

"I was with the OW after being separated"

You were committing adultery because until the divorce is final you are still a married man. Separation is just an excuse commonly used by adulterers. BTW according to the Bible you have no grounds for divorce (but your wife does) and although you can legally marry the OW in the eyes of God it will remain adultery.

"and we had a blessing of a child together"

All children are a blessing. I feel sorry for your child because apparently he/she has biological parents with little to no maturity and integrity.

"It wasn't planned"

Every step away from responsibility to your marriage, every step towards the OW and adultery was a CHOICE you made.
Happy marriages don't simply happen, they require responsibility, selfless giving, work, and committment. Adulteries don't just happen either, they result from irresponsibility, selfish taking, laziness, and betrayal.
And don't pretend you don't know how babies are made. When you CHOSE to have sex with the adulteress YOU created the opportunity for an innocent child to be concieved. It didn't just magically happen somehow. You CHOSE to have sex, you FAILED to plan for every consequence of YOUR choice. BTW, if you think the OW wasn't hoping/planning/trying to get pregnant you're mega-naive! LOL Do you really believe she wasn't counting on the child weighing in her favor when it came time for you to make the final decision between your wife and your adulteress?!?!? Maybe YOU didn't 'plan' on pregnancy...but I doubt seriously the OW is sorry you provided her with a child to exploit as a trump card. And it looks as if her PLAN worked because you are using the child with the adulteress, and the childlessness of your wife, as one of your excuses to destroy your marriage.

"but thats the story of this message board..."

No it's not really. This message board is for helping people save marriages that have been damaged by adultery. This message board is about people taking responsibility for their choices and honoring the promises thay've made before God. You seem to be hoping for some support for your adultery and divorce. You won't find that here. What you will find is posters telling you to end the adultery ASAP, confess all to your wife, and stop the divorce (if your wife still wants to stay married to you - her option since she is the only one with valid moral grounds for divorce)

lfcfan wrote this:


Then he wrote this:


lfcfan,

Here at Marriage Builders we have a term for when someone who is participating in adultery (cheating) can't remember EVER being happy in their marriage. Its called "Revisionist History". This tactic is typcally used by the ones cheating to justifiy their actions to others and alleviate themselves from guilt of betraying their spouse. Although, deep down they know the truth.

Jo

"The divorce was getting ugly at the beginning"

Divorce IS ugly - period. And what is this statement exactly? You were committing adultery because the divorce got ugly? Oh please... 'The divorce' and 'the marriage' are not people who make choices. YOU make things what they are or are not.

"and i was fully comitted to moving on happilly with my new woman and child together without looking back"

This is not 'committment'. Nothing that you have posted has indicated the slightest understanding of the word committment! And the 'happily' part is temporary - you DO realize that don't you? No really, it's always fun in the beginning but eventually you will start to feel just as disillusioned with the OW as you did with your wife. Then what? I predict you will just find a new adultery partner and complain to her how your relationship with the OW was a 'failure' and was 'getting ugly', blah-blah-blah... Apparently the only thing you are 'committed' to is your own selfish desire for 'happiness' at the expense of others. You have a sense of entitlement. You take what you want and then try to blame everyone (your wife now - eventually the OW when you tire of her) and everything (the marriage, the ugly divorce) but yourself for your selfishness.

"Now...my wife wants to reconcile"

You made a promise to her when you married her. She has grounds to divorce you and probably will after you tell her the truth, but you are morally obligated to dump the adulteress and recommit to your wife and marriage.

"but i can;t bear to tell her of the child"

This isn't about what you can 'bear' to do. Do the right thing and confess all to your wife. I don't really believe you care much about how your wife will feel (if you did you wouldn't have committed adultery in the first place) you are just trying to justify your selfish desire to be with OW.

"She knows i've been seeing other woman, but wants to work through the mess and stay together"

Your wife sounds like a woman of integrity that really loves you. She deserves to be told the truth and to make an informed choice about whether or not to give you and the marriage a second chance.

"I've been with her for 8 years, married for 3"

How many of those years were you taking responsibility for doing whatever possible to improve your marriage? How long did you go to counseling to try to solve the problems? How long did you feel sorry for yourself and fantasize about escape? How long were you involved with OW behind your wife's back? And most importantly, how long was your marriage REALLY over, as in DIVORCED, before you started a relationship with OW?

"The marriage was hard from the beginning"

Again, the 'marriage' is not a perosn who can make choices. It was your responsibility to make the marriage all it could be.

"no intimacy"

REALLY?!?!? You NEVER had an intimate moment with your wife? I find that difficult to believe. But I'm betting your adulteress pretended to believe that and whatever other excuse you gave her. (BTW adulteresses typically pretend to believe whatever bad thing the married man will say about his wife and marriage. They want the married man to believe they are a 'good girl' so they actually need the married man to say bad things about his wife and marriage in order to con the married man into thinking of them as 'innocent'...)
SO: What did YOU do to improve the problem? Did you go to marriage counselors? Did you talk to your wife about this (or just to OW about it)? Did you try to find out if there was some emotional or physical health problem your wife was suffering from that contributed to this problem?

"no conversation"

WOW! That's incredible! No really, incredible as in I don't believe you. You had NO conversation with somebody you were married to?!? And again, what did YOU do to remedy this situation? Did you read any books about converstion skills? Did you seek the help of a marriage therapist? MOST women are much more interested in conversation than men are and therefore contribute more conversationally than men typically do. Are you sure you aren't lying when you complain that your wife was the one who failed to provide enough conversationally? BTW one way to protect your marriage from adultery is to NOT talk to other people more than you talk to your spouse. Did you protect your marriage by avoiding conversations with the OW, talking to your wife instead of OW? (obviously not...)

"depression"

Depression caused by what? Who was depressed? You? Your wife? Both of you? What action did you take to deal with the cause and symptoms of the depression?

"being taken for granted"

What did you do to ensure your wife knew what you needed in order to feel appreciated? What did you do to find out whether or not your wife felt 'taken for granted', and what she would need to feel appreciated?

"I supported her"

Did you take the time to find out what your wife's most important emotional needs are? Did you ask her how well you fulfilled her most important emotional needs? Are you certain that what you contributed was what she really wanted and needed? Did you ever give to her without expecting something in return, without feeling resentment, just because you loved her?

"without asking for anything"

Why didn't you ask for what you wanted and needed? So you admit that you failed to inform your wife of your most important emotional needs (and then ran whining into the arms of an OW to complain about your wife not knowing or meeting those needs)

"and one day couldn;t see a light at the end of the tunnel"

Again, a marriage can't make or break itself. You have the responsibility to create/be the light at the end of the tunnel. You've apparently gotten in the habit of whining about how bad your marriage was and expecting other people to sympathize with you. You mistakenly assumed that just because the adulteress pretended she thought your problems were justification for adultery everyone else would understand too... The adulteress had her own agenda for playing along with your whining; you will find the posters here will not.

"As soon as we got married, it just disintegrated."

Again, 'it' bore no responsibility whatsoever. YOU got married. What did YOU do to improve the marriage? WHY did the marriage suddenly disintegrate immediately upon marriage? What changed? Who changed?

"With the divorce coming next week, we've been talking and communicating more than we did before the marriage. PArt of me feels emoptionally attacheded to her, but i am not sure if it is guilt and a personal emotional trap of mine about being afraid to let go. We hurt eachother many months ago, yet i still tear up when we speak about the good times and getting back together. I feel like I just left her like a peice of garbage which hurts me, and i've broken a lifelong vow i made infront of everyone and God."

This ambivalence is a VERY clear indicator that you going through with the divorce would not be a responsible mature choice. You should not have gotten involved with another woman until AFTER all emotional ties to your wife were clearly over for a long enough time to ensure complete closure. And of course, you had no business getting involved with an OW until you were no longer a married man.
BTW, does the OW know you are talking to your wife about possibly doing the right thing by ending the divorce and working to restore your marriage?

lfcfan,

Your cheating WAS planned. You made a choice to cheat. The "Story" of this message board is to support people who want to recover from adultery or rebuild their marriages after being betrayed by spouses who made a CHOICE to cheat.

You seem to think you're not cupable for your choices and that cheating on your wife just "happened to you". Thereby excusing you from any accountability of breaking your vows.

I agree with Melody. You should go through with the divorce so your STBXW can be available for someone that values and understands what marriage means.

If you want to Man-Up, I would also recommend you tell your wife the entire truth and apologize for your horrific betrayal of her and your marriage.

Additionally, I certainly would never consider marrying the OW (an interloper and preditor). She has cleary demonstrated she does not value marriage, at least not anyone's elses, and has the propensity to cheat and lie.

However if you want to revisit the impact of adultery in a couple years time, but this time be on the receiving end, then by all means do marry her.

Jo

"On the other side, i will have a child soon"

You are a married man. There is no other valid side. You are the biological parent of a very unfortunate child who IMHO would be put up for adoption if either you or the OW really loved the child enough to give that child the best.

"with a woman that is fantastic with me. She is everything I need and an incredible mate"

Of course she is - she's an adulteress - that's what adulteresses do -show the married man a really good time so he'll divorce his wife and marry her. Does it really not occur to you that her agenda is to destroy your marriage?!?!? She's rewarding you with treats for hurting your wife and marriage. Are you really so naive that you believe she will act like this forever once she's achieved her goal? Tell the adulteress that you have been talkig to your wife about the possibility of stopping the divorce and
returning to your wife and you will get a glimpse behind that disquise she's been conning you with.

"We live together, but have sep apartments right now."

You were involved with your wife for several years before you got married. You claim that things turned (supposedly irretrievably) bad immediately after marriage. So why in the world would you assume that just because things are going so good with the OW so far they will magically remain good after you give up your apartment and get married to her?

"I feel so much love for my child, that i don;t want to let her down and always be there for her"

Love is more than a feeling, love includes making loving responsible choices which you seem horribly inept at. Every child deserves a father who loves them enough to marry their mother BEFORE they are concieved and then stay married to their mother. You have already let your child down by failing to provide her with parents that are not adulterers, by failing to provide her with a family that honors marriage and committment. The best you can do now is to end the adultery ASAP, tell the OW that you think the child should be given to adoptive parents who can role-model a faithful marriage, pay child support, and allow the option for the child to someday contact her biological father if she so chooses.

Oh well, another one that didn't like the truth.....bye bye, go back to "fantasy land" and "the land of make believe", see ya.

lfcfan:

PLEASE re-read the below again and again. You have an opportunity to straighten your life out before you jump into the fire from the frying pan. If you fail to heed our warnings then we can only surmise you have decided to learn the hard way by following this path of destruction, and drag an innocent child along with you.

[color:"blue"]"with a woman that is fantastic with me. She is everything I need and an incredible mate"

Of course she is - she's an adulteress - that's what adulteresses do -show the married man a really good time so he'll divorce his wife and marry her. Does it really not occur to you that her agenda is to destroy your marriage?!?!? She's rewarding you with treats for hurting your wife and marriage.

Are you really so naive that you believe she will act like this forever once she's achieved her goal? Tell the adulteress that you have been talking to your wife about the possibility of stopping the divorce and returning to your wife and you will get a glimpse behind that disquise she's been conning you with.[/color]

"we divorce "officially" on Tuesday...confused if i go through with original plan or withdraw the divorce"

You're right: you ARE confused.

The 'original plan' was your marriage to your wife.

The adultery and divorce are evidence of your failure to stick to the original plan.

If you are this undecided just days before the divorce then why on earth would you even consider taking such a drastic action as divorce? It is irresponsible to go through with
a divorce when you admit you haven't given enough time and thought to the decision.

Stop the divorce.

Stop the adultery.

Confess to your wife about the adulteress and child.

Then if your wife still wants to stay married call Steve Harley and do what he tells you to do.

Hey MereMortal,

You know lfcfan is probably saying this to himself right now:

"Not my OW, she is so sweet, so loving of me. She's not like that. She only wants the best for me and REALLY loves me. They don't know her like I do. How close we are to one another, how bonded we are. She's not trying to trap me with an agenda by getting pregnant. The pregnancy was a complete accident. She told me so. She would never intentionally get pregnant without us both discussing and agreeing to it. Would she?"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yea Resilient,

It's amazing how little married men realize about OW agenda and tactics...

I've heard it is partly because it would be such a blow to their male ego if they acknowledge the possibility that OW might not be as sweet and innocent as they pretend. Nobody wants to admit they're being played for a fool. And what guy would want to think he's betrayed his wife for a woman who's let's just say is not exactly a 'good girl'...

He's going to be really surprised when he finds out the OW is not better than his wife. The OW can't keep up the facade forever (and usually have no intention to once the married man dumps his wife and marries her).

But hey, as long as the adulteress has him drooling after her like a Pavlov dog there's not much hope of him believing anybody who tries to warn him.

My WXH absolutely could NOT be convinced that the OW had any sort of agenda. He even laughed when I said that once the divorce was final she would be expecting him to marry her; he said: "She's not like you"... and he said it like being like me (um, only have sex with MY husband - not somebody else's, and wanting to stay married to my husband) was a bad, disgusting thing... He naivley assumed that since she had been willing to have sex with a married man for over a year without revealing any expectations of any future committment from him that she had no motive or plans LOL. He was <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> SO SHOCKED <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> when he found out she not only expected him to marry her once the divorce was final but also said "he owed it to her to have 2-3 babies with him" because it would be something he shared with me but not with her otherwise!!!!! I can't tell you how deeply depressed he was over discovering she did indeed have an agenda and THAT was WHY she was treating him "so nice" LOL AND when she started thinking that maybe she wasn't going to get what she wanted she altered her tactics: Instead of it being all her 'body was a wonderland' (my WXH's fave song at the time...) she alternated between pouting and demanding as methods to try to get what she wanted from him. BTW, as far as I know my WXH never has acknowledged that she was intentionally being deceitful with her all fun and games farce; I think he still thinks of her as some sort of victim LOL

But hey, some people just have to learn from experience instead of advice from others who've already been there done that... (and some don't ever learn - they just keep changing partners thinking each new one is their 'soulmate')

sheesh

Very true. It also scares men to explore the possibility that the OW has an agenda because then they have to face the possibility that she may not really love him for who he is, but only for what he can provide her.

Perhaps in this case its poetic justice. The only very unfortunate thing is the poor innocent child.

And his wife Resilient.