Good day, all.
I have been reading (lurking) since D Day (ILYBINILWY) last month. WH is in PA with OW. We're 46, OW is 31. No kids.
More importantly, I haven't exposed A yet. WH works out of town, always has in 7 years of M (We had a great M for a long, long time.), and most of 12 years of T. My questions:
1. Do I wait for WH to return to tell him I know of A?
2. Do I wait to expose until after I tell WH?
It seems like I should wait on both counts, but I am eager to feel as if I have Plan A going.
Any advice appreciated. I have never, never, been so low. But I have already learned so much from reading this board, and so,
I thank you in advance,
SL

SoLow,
Welcolm to the MB forums and so sorry you find yourself here.
You stated:
Being away from you WH all the time like this is a recipe for disaster. I guess that goes without saying. Is there anything you or he could do to change this dynamic? It will never serve your M well.
As far as exposure, it is always recommended that you do not forewarn the WH in advance, as he will try to spin what you expose to others as the rantings of a lunatic w.

Hang on for the real pros, weekends are slow, but they will show up.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Jerry,
Thank you.
This has been so hard.
We really handled the apart-time very well for a long time. He'd fly home & I'd fly to wherever he was. It was fun & good.
Now, it's just heartache. There's no changing the dynamic right now, because he's in "ILYBINILWY, I need time to think" mode.
Thank you again,
SL

Anyone?
I need to know if it's in line with MB principles to tell him on the phone, or should I wait?
And if I wait, is it ok to expose before I tell him? After all, if I tell the ILs before WH, that could be messy.
Any help most appreciated. I am really lost. I have so many questions, but these are the two burning up my brain right now.

Welcome. What kind of proof do you have - is it absolute? I believe you, but the WS's have a way of talking their way out of things. If you give up your source, you won't be able to use it again, because he will just get sneakier.

Is the OW married?

Hi b,
Thanks for the reply.
I'm sure about it. It started with a cell bill 2ce the usual bill. I saw one number called &/or incoming every day or two, at least an hour long each time. So I reversed searched it. Fast forward next day, I needed to log into his email to change a password on one of our bank accounts. I saw the name from the phone, so I read the emails. I'm sure.
OW has either an H or BF, because she's mentioned the name. They've also talked on WH's myspace. I accidentally went there b/c it was in my history (didn't know he had saved that pw on my pc) & when I went to my history to click a different site, I got that one. It was, shall we say, explicit.
Is the idea that I wait until I have more evidence? Do I PlanA in the mean time? So far I have been pleasant, I listen, I talk to him when he calls me (about every other day or so), I don't say ILY (but neither does he <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />)
Sorry, was that TMI? I am bursting at the emotional seams.

Expose to OWH or boyfriend, whichever. Then call your husband and let him know.

I wouldn't wait.

The sooner he knows that you know, and that you are willing to do what it takes to fix the marriage, the better.

Tell him you have already been reading some great things about how to make things better (DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE, OR WHAT YET - YOU DON'T WANT HIM COMING HERE AT THIS POINT).

Tell him you love him, you want to make changes, and you want to work on forgiving him and working together to make a better marriage.

Be sure to expose to your family, and his family too, before he can tell them his "spin".

SB

Wow SB,
That is exactly the opposite of what I thought I should do!
I don't know the OWH/OWBF's last name. But I did see an IM from yesterday that indicated the OW may have already broken up with him (but I'm not sure). One of the emails I read earlier was that they (WH & OW) are looking at houses to buy.
How do I get H/BF's last name? I couldn't find a listing with his FN & her LN.
Sheesh. This is unbelievable. I don't know how people survive this! This is impossible.
Thanks again to Jerry, believer & schoolbus,
SL

Low, before you contact the OW's H, install a keylogger on the computer. Spector is a good one at http://www.spectorsoft.com/

Do you know the OW's name and city? If so, I would suggest just calling the house, disguising your caller ID with *67 and asking for Mr X. When her H comes online, tell him about the affair and offer to email him the evidence. Give him your full name and phone #.

If you don't know the OW's name and just have a cell phone # try doing a reverse look up at www.intellius.com. If that doesn't work, you can hire this PI to get you the name address, etc. http://www.frankmusicinvestigations.net/ When you call, ask for Frank Music. He has helped others here and is very reasonably priced and has a good reputation.

ML,
Thank you. I think the number I have is her cell. The other number I found for OW is, I think, her work number. The reverse search sounded corporate.
I can't install a keylogger, because WH has a laptop, always in his possession, and he is quite computer literate. If I can find another #, the *67 is a great idea. Thanks.
I will look into PI. Thanks for the link.
I can't tell you how much it means to me that you all are replying. This is freaky, and I appreciate the help.
Peace to all,
SL

Did you call the work # and see if her voicemail answered it? Also, try submitting her cell phone # to intellius.com first to see if they have a match. You don't pay unless there is a match. If that doesn't work, call that PI I recommended. I think for just a name and address he charges around $130, which is not bad. He can also do background checks, etc.

SoLow,
First understand that when you confront your WH or for that matter, her BF, they will tell you that you are crazy. That you are some insanely jealous women who imagine all this. Expect it.
This is precisely why you should take the evidence you have thus far and print it out. You need hard and unrefutable evidence to convince others that you know the truth, and this is not somehow your pipedream. Printed transcripts of those emails and a hard copy of cell phone details, are your ally and proof. Pretty undeniable. And that is what you will be forced to prove, undeniable evidence. OK?

More importantly, I feel horrible for where you are at right now. Discovery is like an atomic bomb just went off in your life that you loved so much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Most of us here know this as we have traveled this road before you. But that does NOT mean that all is hopeless. Dr Harley has concieved of the best plan possible to recover your M. Have you read the main section of this website? You need to get some of the reading material. Surviving an Affair, and His needs Her needs are absolutely essential.

You can do this SoLow, but as always, it remains your choice to do so or not. You are the BS and can choose whichever way you want. If you choose recovery and reconcilation, understand that it will be a long and painful process. But so is Divorce!

Your choice, let us know.

All Blessings,
jerry

Thank you, all.
I just ordered the books. I will print emails & IMs tomorrow. I guess I'll call the corporate # and see who answers. I just feel so wierd about all of this.
None of you seem lost. I hope to feel that way. Someday.
But if you are lost, I will be here for you.
Peace to you all,
SL

SoLow, we were VERY LOST when we arrived here! So we know very much how you feel! We have been there, done that and are here to help you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you again.
I have to go to sleep now (LOL), at least try. I am so exhausted.
I will try the # tomorrow & see who answers.
I will try to stay strong, because I want my M to survive & flourish.
Thanks for the support. There would be no trying if not for you guys. (I just sometimes want to throw in the towel.) I look forward to the day that I am not lost.
-SL

SL, call her work # tonight before you go to bed! She is probably not at work tonight and you can listen to her voicemail. Night! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay, really off to bed.
Called the work # & it is her number.
Good g-d, she's so real now.
This is unbelievable.

Solow,

Sorry you are here. I have the same sitch as you - WH travelling and has an A. I know exactly where you are right now because I was there 8 months ago. The others are better at giving advice, but know that I'm pulling for you.

Thank you, all.
Knitgirl, thank you for your support. I just can't even believe that being apart for work would lead to an A. I realized the vulnerability, but still... just not possible. How are you after 8 months?
How are all of you? You'll all be in my thoughts.
Again, I thank you each & every one for replying. Never thought my comfort would be on a message board.
So now I am thinking I'll print the evidence, see if I can figure out BF/OWH's last name, call him if I can, then tell WH I know (even if it's by phone), then tell family & friends. But I'll also do Plan A by sending a friendly, just saying hi, gift.
Is that a good plan?
-SL

WH called again tonight. But still, no ILY, nothing personal.
Any ideas on my plan? Good? Bad? Start over?