SL, just get the goods and then expose the affair in one fell swoop!

Do you have Dr. Harley's book, Surviving an Affair? If you don't, please get it asap. You can get it in most bookstores or on this website. You would probably find it helpful to listen to the radio show. You can even call and talk to Dr Harley from 11 - 1 weekdays. They will send you a free book for the call and are extremely helpful.

Here is a good synopsis of Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Thank you, ML.
I ordered the books.
This is killing me.
After I get the books, and print the evidence, I guess I'll call him & tell him.
Impossible.
Thank you for your help. I appreciate it so much.

The Maker Makes, Rufus Wainwright, Brokeback Mountain soundtrack


One more chain I break, to get me closer to you
One more chain does the maker make, to keep me from bustin' through

One more notch I scratch, to keep me thinkin' of you
One more notch does the maker make, upon my face so blue

Get along little doggies, get along little doggies

One more smile I fake, 'n try my best to be glad
One more smile does the maker make, because he knows I'm sad

Oh Lord, how I know,
Oh Lord, how I see, that only can the maker make a happy man of me

Get along little doggies, get along little doggies, get along

well D-day came before exposure for me. I only told close family and friends on the day of D-day....I didnt know who OW was....so once I discovered who it was....then I exposed like crazy.

Why do you owe this man respect of trying to do the right thing (im assuming thats what you're struggling with, forgive me if i'm wrong)....do b4 or do after....WHO CARES! I know you are just trying to keep as much peace as possible....but he's gonna be pissed regardless. Do what makes you come more on top...You feel like exposing now...do it now....u can get your support now from friends and family while he's away....I had people trying to help me put the clues together of who the OW was <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I had so much knowledge that when i confronted him with relatives of OW, Children of OW, Job of OW....I didnt want to tell him who she was...I wanted for ONCE him to be a damn MAN and tell me the truth of who she was....and finally he did. WS are such cowards.

WOW ML and others.....I sure could have used you guys over the past year to discover my husband being a lil slut....I couldnt prove anything, he always had a lie for something (most times it was a stupid lie--insulting my intelligence) but I loved him and force myself to be blinded.

Thank you wakingbeauty10.
Yes, I just want to do this in the right way. No matter what, although I may not owe him any respect right now, I did respect him for 12 years, and I still respect myself. So I guess it'll be this weekend after I print out everything I have. Because as others have said, as soon as he knows that I know, he'll probably go more underground.
I like your attitude! You are straight-up. And I like the idea of telling him the "what" & seeing if he owns up to the "who". Interesting. I was going to say "I know all about <insert OW name>". But now I may tell WH your way.
Thanks again for your thoughts. I hope your Plan A is going as planned.
And ML, I think I should print the carrot/stick & keep that with me as a reminder. The book arrived today - weekend reading. Thank you.
-SL

No outing of anyone this weekend.
MIL has cancer. I am obviously putting my life & all its stuff on hold.
After three hours w./ WH off & on, talking about the plan for medical care, I heard ILY & I said ILY back twice. Which is right & good.
Nothing else matters.
Thank you all for your care & support. I will stay online & read the forums, but will (I hope) not think of me right now.
-SLL

MIL is getting scheduled for treatment. I spent the day at IL's house. Some parts sad & scary, other parts laughing hysterically at family stories. They know that I am here for family. I did not tell them about WH's A. Maybe I'll still tell him (not sure where such a double crisis fits into everything), maybe I'll let it ride. If he wants to let go of me right now, I will always still be there for MIL.
Life is wierd. It was WH's BD yesterday. Sent a gift. Got a call thanking me for the perfect presents. Then got an ILY. Too bad I don't believe anything anymore. All I want is for us to put MIL first. But alas, the A continues. Am I selfish to still have this on my mind in the midst of MIL? I said in my last post I wouldn't think of me; but it sure feels selfish to be doing so. I am confused.
Thanks everyone for reading. Please send a warm thought our way.

Anyone? If you can, please respond.
I am so scared of all the stuff on my plate. I am scared for MIL. I am scared of M. At least I have all my sad songs on ITunes. (sarcasm - fear - you know what I mean)

It is not selfish to take care of your life and yourself.

Is it not possible to take care of the things you need to take care of for your well-being while at the same time doing what you can to help your MIL?

frozen1229, Thanks. I've thought about what you said all day . On my way to the grocery store, it kept creeping into my thoughts. Then, out of the blue, this thought "I'm not so sure I want to be married to someone who would have an A." Then on my way to the car afterward, this: "Yeah, I do need to take of myself as well as MIL. I can do both. And I can do both well." Man, I felt empowered. Now that I'm home, time to make lists of what I need to do & who I need to tell. All of the sudden, I'm not so afraid of telling WH that I know about A, even if I have to do it over the phone.
I hope this sense of well-being sticks around for a while. It's a nice change, even if it's temporary on the rollercoaster.
Thank you, all!! This board is a life-saver.