I have been married 6 years. H, has had four affairs. Three of them flings and now he is in a romantic relationship for 2 1/2 months. He tells me it is over two times this past week but then states that he isn't ready to move back into our house to work on our marriage. He was out the whole weekend doing who knows what. Then, he is now asking me when we will sit down to talk about the divorce and visitation for our son. We have a 4 year old and I am pregnant with our second.

I have not responded because he is just looking for a fight and for justification for what he is doing. He is just giving me lip service and is not committed obviously to the marriage. I know the divorce is the best thing for my sanity. I have given him so many chances. He says he doesn't want the divorce of course cause it will hurt him financially. Nobody wants a divorce but I fear he will never change and doesn't want too. One minute he tells me what I want to hear and then he is off doing who knows who. I am such a compassionate person and have stayed with him in hopes that he can once be the man the I met and fell in love with. I can't live like that though. Even if we get back together, I will always live wondering if he will cheat on me again. My husband is very selfish obviously and manipulative. He keeps calling me cause I won't answer him and he hates not being in controll. Logically, the divorce is the best thing for me and my kids. My heart is trying to let go 8 years of this man and it is hard. Any thoughts? Thanks

I am in the same place you are at in my marriage. I am pregnant with our first and I have a DD from prev marriage. I am not sure if my H is messing around this time, but he had A 3 yrs ago and is now displaying similar behavior. Drinking, partying and staying out all night. I moved my DD and me out of the house. H says he wants to work on things, but does not put the work in.
He contradicts himself constantly. I am tired of the fight. The only reason I want to work on things is because I am pregnant, but I think for my children, my best option is to proceed with the divorce because he does not want to be the family man that we need in our lives.
I have fought this fight with him for about 2 years. I have tried to save my famiy, but there just seems to be no way.

I guess I'm sort of in the same boat and the funny thing is when I have posted and said that my H is living with OW and that I have recently found out that this isn't the first time that he has done this, no one writes back. In my head I know that if he has cheated before and is living with OW, I need to get mad and move on, but I still love him. We have 2 kids and this divorce will ruin him financially and won't make my financial situation any better. He doesn't want to come home, but he has told me how sorry he is. The OW left her husband and we have both filed for divorce. My attorney told me that I needed to file first because that was best. How do we stop loving someone that we have loved for so long? In my case 17 years. I just want him back so bad. And if he ever came back, I don't know that it would ever work. How could I ever trust him again and stop seeing the imagines of him with the other women? He was an incredible man at one time, but alcohol, drugs, and lust have changed him so much. I just wish I could wake up and all this would've never have happened.

I know what you mean heartbroken. I still love my H too and do not know how to stop loving him after all this time. He was amazing before he left for the war. After his second tour it got worse. He has PTSD and a lot of alcohol abuse. He refuses to get help for these issues and until he admits he has a problem and he seeks help, I fear that things will never work. I am currently pregnant, but he acts as if this is no big deal. We went through 6 years of infertility!!!
I don't know if he is currently in an A right now, but I strongly suspect. This time I will not fight.
Have you posted in the GQII about your sitch? There seems to be a lot of support there, even for BS married to serial cheaters.

Suzanne,

You are also describing my husband of almost 21 years, who recently walked out on my 3 kids and I to live with yet another woman.

He is not going to change--not in 1 year, 10, or 20. If you want more of what you've been getting, stay with him. If you want peace and a saner future...

I'm so sorry this happened to you with young children. It's hard and it's painful.

Peace be with you,
J

Hi Suzanne- I totally understand why you don't want a D. I took my H back after his first long affair- we had been married 15 yrs at that point. Now this year I am going thru the same thing with him at 21 yrs of marriage. I am in ALOT of therapy to try to rebuild my life and create a future for myself that will not depend on him. I have come to see that men who have affairs ( especially more than one) are not capable of creating or maintaining a trustworthy emotional bond with their wife- and that is the crux of the problem. As painful and financially horrible as D will be I can no longer reasonably believe that my H will suddenly become trustworthy and emotionally bonded to me and stop whatever it is that drives him into affairs. Have you heard the definition of insanity? It's doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I have come to finally accept that no matter how much I BELIEVE in marriage and raising our kids in one home with their parents I can't control how my H thinks and behaves. I can only control what I do. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Take care.

You are enabling him on one had, he's been able to have both worlds, a wife and kids at home and to openly cheat. Sadly if you don't practice "tough love" he'll likely continue his pattern and you'll be his doormat. There's a chance that when you tell him it's over, let's get a divorce that he might actually think of the "consequences" of this in reality. In limbo here he doesn't have to, he can lie to you and lie to these women both. Certainly allowing him to behave like this isn't making him accountable for his actions. I can't believe there are so many women out there willing to "cheat" with a married man who has a wife and kids at home. That this goes on so much in our society is appalling. Dr Dobson's Tough Love book can be a little controversial but you might read it. I do think he might be right, that the "only chance" of someone rescuing a marriage to a serial cheater is to through tough love at them - enabling isn't the answer. Many of us have been where you are, of course no one wants a divorce, it's hard to cross that line. Being a single mom is hard, it's much easier for men to move on and date then us women, that's a given. But do you want to be a door mat the rest of your life, living in the past with someone continually lying and betraying you? And how about your kids, how's this as a role model for a father? Think of their pain too. Divorce, and separation at the very least is sometimes the only answer. It's sad, but life will go on for you.

I agree, it doesn't sound like your H will change. Some people are serial cheaters. They do it again and again, and it seems to have nothing to do with whether their spouse is meeting their needs or not.

If you file for divorce now, you will have an added advantage. Courts take a dim view of men who cheat when their wives are pregnant.

Good luck. And I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

This is what I need to hear. My husband did come back to me and said all the right things. He was pretty good the first week and the 2nd week seemed more distant. Turns out that he was seeing me and her. He asked if I could get the kids while he rode his new motorcycle he got. I was suspicious and drove by OW apartment and saw her getting on his bike. I then called him and confront him that I saw him with OW. He said he was happy with her and she didn't put him down (yet I was an angel, meeting all his needs during this time he came home). He said that he can't make me happy and I should move on. Well, he is right. He has cheated on me five times. I thought it was four but I found out another affair with another W at work. He has moved in with OW and doesn't even care about the kids. He is lost. I gave my whole heart to this man and believed in him. He was such a wonderful person when we met.

This has really given me closure though. I know I can't change him but I need to give it to the Lord and let him work with him to try to change him. He has to learn the hard way. I stayed through this all because I love my family and children. I don't want to take my kids back and forth for them to see their parents. Court date is in October. If we don't agree on things then it will dragged out. I don't want that but these things take time. No one wants a divorce but this is still the best thing.

Hello Ladies, seem like we all have a similar story. I also moved out of our home with my 9month old child after my H would not committ to ending the A. I had left the home previously 1 time and he had filed for divorce. The first time he filed for D, he stopped the process a week before the court date. The next time that I left, he called crying and begging for us to come home---I believed every word he said, not knowing they were just a bunch of lies. This time I left again, but took all of my personal belongings as well our child's stuff. We have court date for October 9th and there is no sign of him stopping anything. It is weird because he continues to e-mail me and send me messages saying how much he loves me, misses me and needs me. Yeah, he needs me because I was supporting teh house financially. I dont' believe any of his words cause every time I return home, everything goes back to normal---his verbal and emotional abuse. It was making me very weak and I couldn't handle it anymore. He gives me mixed signals because I saw them together just a day ago. Why do men do this to us? Is it because they know we are weak---because we love them so much?

I had a weak moment yesterday and contacted my husband. He is now living with the other women. He hasn't contacted me to set up a time to see our son. That is okay cause I do not want him around OW. For some reason I wanted more of an explanation as to why he left, for closure, etc. It was only just two weeks ago that he came back and he left me again last Friday. He said he only came back to me because he was mad at her. He found out she slept with someone else and of course she denied it and he believed her and said he was giving her the benefit of the doubt. What a nice way to start their relationship out. They call her the bicycle at work cause she is such a hussy. I guess they are made for each other because they both cheat. I have always been faithful, been there for him and why would he chose such a low life person and ruin the family? He told me to move on and he wants me to be happy. Well, I guess he just is right cause I know he can't make me happy. He says he is happy and they have chemistry. Everything new relationship is like that and you put on your best show. Reality will sink in and he'll be broke after the divorce and she won't put up with that or his treatment towards women. I guess I am trying to save my family but he has his free agency and I deserve someone to love me back as well. How do I get rid of hope? I pray for him and still to do in a way love him even after all the hurt he has caused.

How do I get rid of hope?

you don't, you replace it with self respect. You won't be treated this way, you won't continue to be treated this way, and until something changes, you should file for divorce, and get a very tough lawyer. . . just repeat to yourself that you won't be ttreated this way by someone that you love and took vows with. . .

wiftty

Hi suzanne78,

Reading through all your posts its like we could be talking about the same person.

My WH left me and our 3 kids to live with the OW who is now pregnant. (It amazes me how they do that, do they think that I man who has just left 3 kids would stay with them for one). I've been posting on the pregnancy/child forum and do honestly still love my H and would have wanted to save my marriage but somehow I feel the same way you do, that he will never change. I just found out recently that he had an affair with someone I know just after we got engaged. It lasted up to the time we got married and probably only ended because we left the country after we got married. He also did confess to a few ONS. He said "guys do that" and expected me to accept it. I have finally decided to file for a divorce and although it is the hardest thing I will ever do something inside tells me that it is the right thing. This is a man who was probably never ready for a commitment and I don't think he has learned anything yet.

I think you do deserve someone who will really love you and respect you too and if our WHs won't do that then the seems no choice but to let go. We were married 8 years and we dated for 6 years before that so letting go is really hard its like the end of a dream but I think it has to start somewhere. I understand where you are now cause I'm there too and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

I'm in the same boat. WH is a serial cheater. I'm divorcing him. Sometimes divorce is the best option.

Thanks for all the encouragement cause I need it. Saw my H with OW today just in passing. It still hurts. Here I am pregnant with his child and he is out having a great time. He gets the papers next week of everything I want from the divorce and I sure am taking everything I can get. I am wanted to move back home which is 2 hours away. He has always said that I could have everything but he wants to see the kids. Since he left me for OW two weeks ago he hasn't even contacted me about our son. He just did and I let him see him for 3 hours. He is still in his fantasy world. Reality with strike next week when he sees he has to pay. He will make threats I bet and say he won't let me leave but he doesn't have a lawyer and I have a good one. Court is in three weeks and he might motion for more time to get a lawyer as a control factor or might negotiate with me to get me out of his hair. We'll see. I think a part of him wants me around still if things don't work out with OW.

SL77 - What is your story with your WH as a serial cheater. My H has had 5 affairs in our 6 year marriage. Not to boast or anything but I am attractive and the women he has been are just ugly. Maybe it is the game and challenge that they like. I don't understand why they do what they do and so blinded to risk losing everything over these women that do not have any morals or committment themselves. This relationship my H is in will not last. This OW has a nickname at work as the "Community Bicycle". Nice!

So all of you have similar situations and no one has a solution or a plan?

Other than a chat session, what do you plan to accomplish by posting here?

L.

Hi Orchid!

Ladies, I just read the thread and now I wonder the same thing. Have any of you read the rest of this site? About Plan A, including Exposure of the affair?

There is a sense of still loving your H's in your posts. MarriageBuilders and the Harleys have tools for you to recover and restore. But it isn't for sissies.

I was a sissy. I'm divorced now. Read up on Plan A and Exposure. Good luck ladies.

Hi WIFFTY!

My H and I were separated for 2 months and I was implementing Plan A. He was just cake eating and keeping me on a string. He got mad at OW and then decided to come back to me. He was home for two weeks. I was meeting all his needs and being supportive. He then started seeing her and me the 2nd week and I caught them. He decided to leave me and go to her. I am now not contacting him at all and doing Plan B. He hasn't contacted me either. He said he is done and wants me to move on. So I am going through with the divorce. I am forced to do so. He has seen our 4 year old son for only 3 hours in the last 2 weeks. I took my son to the movies and ran into my H. He took this OW's son to the movies too. He seemed really guilty and didn't even want to look at me. I just acted like I'm okay and moving on. It hurt but the more I see his behavior the more I know there is too much to forgive and forget if we got back together. I don't know any other way to save my marriage. He will get the papers this week of everything I want in the divorce and I"m sure he will get mad cause it will effect him financially but he said that he will just have to deal with the consequences of his actions. So be it!! Everyone knows about his A, work, community, church, everyone. It seems he doesn't care and is pass feeling. He does not care. When he came back he was willing to go to counseling and was so sorry and couldn't believe he was going to wreck the family. Now, he knows he made a mistake but will rather live like that the rest of his life than make any changes to fix the problems he has. If I took him back again, it would be an injustice to him and me. He needs to change on his own. We don't have to be married to do so. He has to work out his own problems with his cheating. I feel I have done everything. What else can I do. Yes, I want my family and I miss and love him but I don't respect him anymore and I think it is just the habits that I miss from being together 6 years. I am 7 months pregnant now and if that doesn't give my H an incentive to come back and make things right, then I don't want him.

Hi Bellevue,

I still do love my husband and that is the worst thing. I wish I could just stop loving him, but I can’t. I have read the rest of this site. I previously posted on GQII and pregnancy/child. I have also read the books.

My WH and I have been physically separated now for almost 2 years. The A has been going on for about 3 1/2 to 4 years depending on who's reporting. They have been living together for 1 year since she moved in from another town and they are expecting a child together. She had moved away about 1 year into the affair but he would commute to see her. I tried Plan A and B, maybe I didn't do it perfectly and that is why I'm where I am now.

The house I live in with my kids is in my WH's name. I needed to take some kind of legal action if we were to keep our home. Initially I had filed for a legal separation. When the lawyer tried to mediate it my WH made it clear that it was prolonging the inevitable and he just wanted a divorce. A separation was going to lead to a more protracted legal battle than a divorce. I know he's probably in a fog and it may clear, but its been a very long time and I just felt that I was losing my sanity and I mean that practically. I am in counseling for myself. Just so that I can keep things together and not give him any reason to ask for custody of the kids. My WH and the OW live in our apartment, which we used to live in and which we had leased out. They kicked out the tenants. I have exposed to everyone, family, work and friends. That was about 2 1/2 years ago. Since then he has introduced the OW to all these people and they are accepted as a couple. Personally I'm out in the cold.

Plan A wasn't too effective because I hardly ever see him. Just about 5 mins when he picks up the kids. I did try to use those opportunities to do a plan A but it was leaving me more depressed every time.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing but right now I feel calmer and more in control than I have for 3 years. I'm sleeping better and eating again. It may not be the right thing to do but for the sake of my health and my sanity I think it's what I need to do. I can't speak for others and I think anyone who has any chance of saving their marriage should do so. Like I said on the pregnancy/child forum, from reading through the threads I don't know of anyone who has been separated for this long and gone on to recovery. I know not all situations are the same and I probably shouldn't compare myself to others but isn't there a time when you need to start moving on? Should I continue like this while he goes on with his life, which has now pretty much settled to normal?

laker1, I think there is mroe to Plan A than just the time you spend with your WH when he picks up the kids. It's about taking the best care of yourself, not about impressing him or changing his mind.

Plan A is supposed to be done while you still have the WS in the house. He has moved out, and you have done the best you could in Plan A. You exposed the affair. That is an essential step to killing it. In your case it didn't die, but you did the absolute right thing.

I didn't expose. Who knows what could have happened, had I had the guts to do that.

People aren't machines. And even machines have their own quirks. The manual for restoring marriages is the Harley method. Sometimes you don't get the results you want, but I've seen it work more times than not when it is used.

From what you wrote, you are doing better, and that shows me you are doing a Plan A to the best of your ability, regardless of your WH's actions.