Hi,

I’ve been posting on the GQII forum but I was advised to post here.

This is my story.

My WH and I met 15 years ago while we were at college. We dated for 6 years and have been married for almost 8 years. We have 3 children aged 7, 5 and almost 3. For the most part we had a good relationship. About 5 years ago I got a job working in another town. I used to commute daily, which was a one half hour commute either way. At the time our second child was very young, just a few months. I did this for about 9 months until it became too stressful for me and I quit the job, but I think by then the damage was done.

By the last few months I could only come home over the weekends because my employer insisted that I had to be resident in that town. When I’d come home over the weekends my H would be so distant. Sometimes he would just say hi when I walked in and then walk out to see his friends. I was lonely, tired and very depressed. I never really communicated this and eventually I just stopped talking. I got a new job back home, but things just never seemed the same again. My H was always busy with work always had somewhere to be and had taken to spending a lot of time out with friends. We eventually had a big argument because he made me cancel an appointment with my friends to pick up the kids when he was supposed to because he wanted to see his friends. Soon after this I fell pregnant again. I was lonely and tired and it was the last thing I wanted and because of that I didn’t tell him until I was about 5 months pregnant. By this time he had told me that he was not happy and wanted a divorce. When I eventually told him I was pregnant he didn’t mention the divorce again. In November that year I had our youngest child. At the same time a colleague of his from work who I knew from college days started frequenting our home. At first she would drop him from the airport because he traveled a lot. Then she started picking him up for work functions. I was uncomfortable with this but I was at home with a newborn and I didn’t want to get into fights with him.

When I got back to work, he told me to use the family car and he would work something out for himself. I’d still call him everyday after work so we could go home but he would always say he was working late. So finally I decided to wait up for him and that’s whan I discovered that his workmate was dropping him off at night, really late. I confronted him and he denied anything and said she was his assistant an dthey had to meet clients late. I then asked him to find another arrangement or somenone else to work with as I was uncomfortable with this arrangement but he refused. This went on for about four months after which he then asked me to leave our home as he needed space to think.

I was so depressed at this time that I was no longer ready to fight. I packed up my things and the kids and went to my parents. Of course after this it all came out and there were lots of discussions with everyone trying to help but my WH was adamant that he wanted to be with the OW because she made him happy. I exposed at work and to his relatives and after a while he agreed to work on the marriage. We were reconciled for about 3 months. By this time the OW was working in another town.

The short of the story is, that new year 2006, we had a big fight. We were at a friends house and he was being really nasty like he didn’t want me around. I asked him to tyake me home if he didn’t want to be with me and he said he was fed up with trying and he wanted out of the marriage. In February he moved out and when the OW got transferred back, she moved in with him. They have been living together since and are now expecting a child. In all this though he will still do things that leave me confused and upset. He still visits until I told him to only come to see the kids. I traveled abroad for 6 weeks early this year and he insisted on moving home to be with the kids even though I had made other arrangements. I guess we all thought it was his way of coming home, but he moved out immediately after. When he travels he calls every weekend sometimes more and will even bring gifts but if anyone asks him to consider reconciliation he says he’s not interested.

I have really had enough and I really want to have my life back in whatever form. I had hoped that we could eventually reconcile, but now with a child in the picture I just don’t think it will ever happen. My WH still insists he wants a divorce and I have had the papers drawn. I don’t know if I am ready for it, seeing him marry the OW which is what I presume will happen, but I don’t see that I have any other choice. Its hardly an affair anymore, everyone seems to have just accepted that they are a couple. A few people we know, who are mainly their colleagues actually say I’m the one being difficult and complicating the situation and that I should just let go. That hurts a lot because I was his wife and I have done nothing wrong, but try to save my marriage and protect my kids.


I still have hope that all can be saved but at the same time I think its not healthy to hope under the circumstances. I don’t know if anyone’s marriage has ever recovered under similar circumstances. We tried counseling but the affair was still ongoing.

I really have nothing left in me I did a reasonable plan A, never really got round to plan B. So I think plan B and divorce are what I need to recover some part of my spirit before I lose it all. Can anyone advise.

Hi lakeri,

Glad you joined us over here. First, what do you want? Are you still interested in R even with OW being pregnant? I will tell you upfront it is a long painful road with an OC in the picture. Now, tell me if you have been successful at plan A?

If you don't want a D, why did YOU draw up the papers? If your WH really wants a D, let him do the work.

Hi Faithfulfollower,

I just asked my lawyer to draw up some paper work, initially for a separation just to have everything in order and formalised, but the last few weeks were so stressful that I just wanted out. I haven't filed anything and my reason for posting was just to share some thoughts before making that decision

More than anything I want my husband back. We have been together for so long and actually most people were surprised about all this because they thought we were the happiest couple. We were happy for a long time but then this came up. I want so much for my children to have the happy and secure family life that I had but I just can't see that happening and I want to be able to have some control over the way things are going right now. My WH came from a broken home, his mother was the OW. He used to say that he never wanted his children to have the kind of life he had. He wanted a secure home for them. I don't understand what went wrong. The OW has a history of affairs. One with a guy who is still very close to her and whose wife actually works with her. Those who know them say that the wife's strategy is to keep the OW as her "friend". The other man she had an affair with also worked with her and he asked for a transfer to another country when his wife found out. My WH knows all this but still thinks that we all just don't understand her but she understands him.

I don't want a divorce. I was actually going to ask the lawyer to hold everything, but I just don't know what to do. We don't have no fault divorces and he actually said he would have filed but he has no grounds. They live close by and I often see them on my way to work. They don't hide the affair and it has now become old news for most people except her friends who complain that I am refusing to let him go.

Part of me says I don't have to let him go, she should just take him the way she found him - married - but the other part of me just wants to get out of this whole mess. I could probably live with an OC, but I can't go on with the humiliation of it all.

I guess I am just hurt and confused.

Well of course you are hurt and confused! Your WH's refusal to see OW for what she is, that is what we call the fog. If you are not ready for D, I would suggest not doing it right now. Wait until you are ready. In the meantime, you need to protect you and your children financially. In your state, do you have legal separation? Can you get CS in place legally before OC is born? In many states whoever files first gets the largest chunk. As the W you and your COM should not come second to the OC. It may also help to wake your WH up to see what he will be paying you for CS while trying to support OW and OC. Believe me, if you do a plan A showing that you have it all together and are the better person, OW will eventually be her own undoing.

Lake,

Faithful has given you good advice. If he wants the D then you drag your feet and make him do it. You Stay calm and Plan A. But first you protect your COM. You have your lawyer do the separation and child support to protect them. Once the OW has OC and files for support, then the amount your COM whill receive will be calculated off a reduced income. The OC will receive more support because she filed first!!! You do this and calmly tell your WH that you are still interested in saving your M and family, but you need to protect your COM financially as well. You don't LB or argue about it. Then he has to find out what life will be like paying CS for your COM and living with the OW who isn't who he really thinks she is.

Best wishes

FTS

Lakeri,

I am so sorry that you are going thru this. You asked for people whose marriage has survived this. Well, mine has...Only I did make the mistake of divorcing him as I had not found this website yet. We have recently remarried and everything is going very well. Your marriage can survive this, I promise. Mine survived much worse. My FWH's affair was very public. His family supported it completely and were encouraging him to divorce me and stay with her. He also moved in with her and has a daughter with her who will be 1 tomorrow. We are currently in a custody battle trying to get full custody of her. It was a very long and painful road. Their affair lasted on and off for almost 2 years. But eventually he woke up and came home where he belongs. He finally saw her for what she really was, it just took a very long time. This can be done and you are in the best place to get you there. Listen to faithful follower. My best advice would be to put the divorce on hold and start back at the beginning with a stronger plan A. Follow all the guidelines here and see if this will work. As hard as it is right now, thats how great reconcilliation can be. If you love your husband and want your family back...this site and these people will get you there. After all, anything worth having is worth fighting for. God bless you.

Hi Lostanduncertain,

You have really inspired me. Your story sounds so similar to mine. I was begining to feel that it was such a lost cause and I really should "move on". (Those were my WH words - "you need to move on, I have").

I haven't filed the divorce papers and I don't think I will. Its not really what I want. I just all seemed so futile that I felt I should just let it go.

Now I feel differently and I want to do what it takes. I just don't know where to start.

I did a reasonable Plan A, with a few outbursts, as reasonable as you can when you haven't been living together for close to 2 years. We still have a little contact mainly because of the kids. Other than that I don't know much about what he does. His family are quiet about the whole issue at first they were supportive of me, but now they just stay away from it all. I don't know if they have met the OW, well a few of his cousins have.

He still lives close by and I see them once in a while onthe way to work. I have bumped into the OW at the convenience store a few times, but we just ignore each other.

I just don't know where to go from here. I need help.

Lakeri

well fist off I will see if I can get kimmy over here for you. She and faithful have been my guiding light. Second, the most important thing you have to grasp is that his affair has nothing to do with you. It is his selfishness and hers..not yours. You may have contributed to the conditions of the affair, but the actual affair is not your fault. Third, you need to read surviving an affair by Dr. Harley. Fourth, you need to start plan A over...you don't want to do a decent plan A...you want a fantastic plan A. You need to learn by heart all of the love busters. Do what I did and put them on postit notes around the house. I always pace when I talk on the phone and especially when I am agitated. I put the notes in my "pacing path" and read them the whole time we were arguing. It made a big difference. You have to remember that he is in, what we like to call, the fog stage. All that you do will not seem to matter right now, but it will come in to play later. Have you exposed the affair to everyone you can think of? Both families, his work, friends, church family if you go....etc... Exposure is very important. It sounds like he is alot like my husband was. He did all the exposure for me because they never tried to hide what they were doing. Shameless. And most of all do what FLS said. YOU should not be the one to file for divorce. When you are ready, tell him that you will not be filing for divorce. You are interested in saving your marriage because you love him and you can forgive him. If he wants to end your marriage so be it, but it will be because he did it. IMMEDIATELY file for child support and legal separation. When that baby is born she will get less child support if you file first. Protect your family at all costs. Unfortunatly, your H has become someone you must protext yourself from. Even though my H and I are remarried, I have not lifted the support order. We go to court with xOW on September 20th for custody and I am not lifting it until her support is ordered. File TODAY! If he ever gets really nasty you remember that you are not the one who is to move out of your home...EVER. You have the children...you get the house. Mostly you need to be supportive of him, but detatched. Be concerned but not overly concerned. Most importantly do not attack the OW verbally around him. This will only cause him to defend her. If he ever comes to you complaining about her tell him you are sorry he is feeling that way and change the subject. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK. Start inviting him over to spend time with his family. However, this does not mean you are to put up with any verbal abuse. Do not let him pick a fight. Just call him and invite him to dinner with you and the kids. Keep the conversation light. That would be where I would start. Faithful and Kimmy will have some more advice, but that is what I would do. The most important piece of advice anyone here can give you is to take advantage of the wisdom of those who have already been there and survived. Good luck to you.

Hi,

I am ready to do a Plan A properly this time. I just hope its not too late.

I have read Surviving an Affair as well as His Needs Her Needs. We actually filled in the emotional needs questionnaire when he first came home. I guess I'm guilty of several love busters and hitting at the OW, she's just such an easy target. But I understand, because he does defend her against anything and everything.

I have exposed to all. Actually that's what caused him to leave home. He said I tried to get him to lose his job (she was his assistant and he had just recommended her for a promotion). At the time he said, if he loses the job he will just leave me and go with her. He didn't lose the job but the HR manager gave them both a warning. His justification for leaving and wanting to end the marraige is that I took things too far and told everyone when we could have just dealt with it all quietly.

He doesn't go to Church much. She goes to a different Church I'm not suere where but someone I know who says he goes to her Church says he met her there and confronted her on the issue, so I think her Church is aware.

He used to come over and have a meal when he'd come to see the kids. The last few times that I have offered he has declined. I'm not sure that he'll accept an invitation, but I'll try.

BTW, how long does the fog last and how can you tell if he's in the fog or if he is just well and truly over you and moving on?

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on the tools you will need to start. Good job on the exposure. You did not take things too far...he did. If she goes to church it is apparent she isn't listening too well. I have a pretty good understanding of all that is in the bible and I am pretty sure I have never seen a place where it says adultery is okay. Has she ever heard of the 10 commandments? But I will ask my pastor about it in case we all missed something and are angry under false pretenses (giggle). Like I said before, my H's fog lasted for almost 2 years, but I have read others stories and it can last much longer. I would say he is not moving on for a few reasons.

1) He is still blaming everything on you. He is still looking for you to give him excuses for his behaviour to be okay.

2) He has insisted that he wants a divorce, but has not filed anything about it. That is why I said you need to tell him that you will not be filing and that you want to save your marriage. If he truly wants a divorce then he will file. But remember that divorce isn't always the end of the game. My H and I just remarried. Several people on here have similar divorce and reconcilliation stories.

If this is what you really want than just give it a try again. If he divorces you, then move on and do a slightly more laid back plan A just in case. If he tries to come back later and you are still willing then try again. Be open. Plan A is all about being the woman who isn't gripping at him and being controling. They have only been living together since February. 6 months is about the time her act may start to slip. She will start acting like a wife instead of the fun girl. It may take care of itself or it may not. Either way you are no worse off than you are now. But I am serious! you need to go file for child support right now! I mean now! why are you still reading this...move! Well, since you are still sitting there....when is she due?

They ALL say that about exposure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It wasn't YOU that violated company policy and common sense by recommending his who*re for promotion! You did not make him have an A with his assistant. duh! He just wants to blame you for bringing this ugliness to the light of day where it will wither and die. You did good by exposing and do not apologize or act guilty because of it.

lostanduncertain,

You commented on dropping your support after hers is done. Don't. You and your H should be able to agree on this. This needs to be revisited because you always want that support order in place. It will always reduce her support. If you drop yours, when she comes back to revisit support she will get more to dip into.

Lakeri,
As faithful said, exposure is right. He's just mad because his own behavior makes him look bad and now his boss and co-workers know how he has been behaving. You are right in exposing, they just want to blame someone else for their shame, the BS is the perfect victim for them.

FTS

Lostanduncertain,

We don't have no fault divorces, he has to have a specific ground to divorce me (adultery, cruelty or desertion). He has none so he can't even if he wanted to. I on the other hand have all three.

Having said that though he has really shown no interest in anything except visiting the kids every other Saturday and even then he just picks them up and drops them off. Its been like that for a while. The only time that he has acted differently was in April when I went away for 6 weeks. I had arranged to have my sister stay with the kids but he insisted on coming home to stay with them. Then he offered to drop me off at the airport twice, (i made two trips) and he would insist on talking to me every time I called home. But he was out before I got back and he had cleared out all his stuff. That left me really down. He then came back a few weeks later with gifts from a trip he took. I think what makes me have second thoughts about the divorce is the times that he acts nice but then he goes round and hurts me really badly and I think there is no more I can take.

I also have to deal with my in-laws now who seem to have some grudge with me that I just don't get. They are spreading really malicious stories about me and yet we used to get on quite well until all this happened. But what really got my blood boiling is that my BIL, has been going round telling everyone how nasty I was to him and his mum (even though his mum and I are still close) and then he calls my brother to borrow money from him. I don't understand how two-faced people can be.

I'm not too bothered about him getting upset about the exposure. The people who are making a big fuss are young single girls who the OW should watch out for anyway because the first chance they get they'll try to do what she did. while he was still home I used to get calls from girls at his office pretending they had called the home number by accident. His position gave him quite a bit of influence in the company and I guess he got a lot of attention too.

I have decided not to let this all get me down and I am trying to enjoy myself while doing my Plan A, so I am having a bar-be-que for my friendsthis weekend. I haven't had friends over for a while.

Lakeri

well the no fault divorce kinda puts a damper on things...or it may be a good thing for you. I would still not file yet. I am by no means an expert, having only been here a few months, but I don't see the cause as hopeless. But I don't mind admitting that I am kinda stumped. My FWH said he would read over your entries with me this weekend and maybe he can give us some insight as to what you could do. He was very much like your H is now. I also understand the IL's thing. My IL's did and do the same things to me. They much prefer the xOW to me. My MIL has said she wants to start over, but it doesn't erase the years of hurt and anger. I know that you feel like you are in a black hole right now, but keep your chin up. When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. Have a great time with your BBQ this weekend. Give yourself some time away from the situation and just relax this weekend. The meeting of the minds will be back around on Tuesday. Have a good holiday, honey. I will pray for you as always. And remember that underneathe this horrible imposter...is the man you love...we just have to find him.

[quote]lostanduncertain,

You commented on dropping your support after hers is done. Don't. You and your H should be able to agree on this. This needs to be revisited because you always want that support order in place. It will always reduce her support. If you drop yours, when she comes back to revisit support she will get more to dip into.




I guess I never thought of that in long term before. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. When I talked about it to my FWH, he hit the roof at first but then saw the logic. I mean its not like we are out anything..he just has to take some of our money to the courthouse instead. Not a big deal really. In my state, however, she can contest my support order because we are married. Lets just hope she doesn't know that. And as of right now...she doesn't even know we got remarried <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. We are hoping for an emotional response in the court room over that one. Anyway, thanks for that info! Okay, how do you get the quotes to go in those nifty little boxes and not include the whole message?

I have no idea how to do the quotes thing!!

FTS

ok, who does?

ok, you can do quotes two different ways.

1. be sure to press the reply button and not use the quick reply box. You will see a list of options like quote, bold, italics etc. Highlight and copy (ctrl c) the text you want to quote. Then hit the quote option, click in between the two quotes and paste the text. (ctrl v)

2. In the quick reply box (after you have highlighted and copied the text)type
quote in the left bracket and then /quote in the right bracket and paste your text in between.

Thanks Faithy

FTS

yup thanks faith!