Hi,

I haven't posted for a while but I have been reading through.

I had the bar-be-que as I had planned and it was very relaxing. I hadn't really enjoyed myself for a while and it was nice having freinds over again. I hadn't done that since my WH left apart from birthday parties for the kids.

My WH had the kids on Sunday. Actually he called them to take them out on Saturday but they told him we were having a party. He then called at 8 in the morning on Sunday to ask if he could see them. I said yes and we agreed that he could pick them up at 11am. He was there promptly at 11 but the kids weren't ready yet so I invited him in for breakfast. He was actually quite freindly telling me about family stuff, whose getting married and stuff like that. He was also wearing a shirt that I recently gave him. He had the kids all day and they got back quite late. I didn't complain and he was apologetic about it. He brought a gift from his Mum (some homegrown vegetables), when I called to thank her she asked if she could come visit. I will probably see her over the weekend.

I don't know if that is much of a Plan A but I think its a start seeing as I only get to see him when he comes for the kids.

I have just decided to take it one step at a time. I have been feeling abit down though. I guess the loneliness gets to me at times. I'm trying to keep busy but I also have to make time for the kids so its not always that easy.My sister, my brothers wife and some other friends have been great though and they are keeping me company. I guess the only thing really bothering me is the thought of my WH's child which is due in about a month and a half. The thougth just keeps popping up and it is really hard to deal with.

This weekend I have made plans for the opening of the rugby world cup. I'm looking forward to that but it reminds me alot of my H because he used to play and we were big fans back then. Its strange watching a world cup without him.

The hardest thing in the world is sitting there waiting for that child to be born. The OW and I were pregnant at the same time. It made it even harder. Personally I think she did it on purpose to take some of the joy out of my child being born. She wanted to take that attention away. It worked. Once the OC was born, it was easier to seperate them as two people in my mind. But it is very hard. I am glad you had a good visit with your WH. It is encouraging when it happens, but remember that it will be back and forth. I am sorry about the world cup. It feels so empty doing those things by yourself, doesn't it. Especially when you know he is doing those things you value as togetherness with someone else. Tears your heart out. But many of us have survived it, and I promise it will get better. Maybe not today and probably not tomorrow...but time heals all wounds. Just have faith in yourself and have faith that God will see fit to bring your husband out of the fog and home where he belongs. I noticed above that you mentioned the times he got ahold of you on Sunday. Do you go to church? Never underestimate the power of prayer or of God's grace. I continue to pray for you.

Lostanduncertain



It is hard I try not to think about it but it just can't stay out of mind.



I suppose that is what I find hardest. There are so many things that we used to do together and doing them alone is so hard. Then there are things I always asked him to do with me and he wouldn't and now he does them with the OW. I just can't understand that.



I do go to Church. Actually that's why he called so early because we usually go at 10:00 am and he wanted to catch us before we left for church. Actually Church and just calling on God is what has given me strength to keep going so many times in the past months, especially in the early hours of the morning. At that time your mind brings up all the worst pictures and the feeling of lonliness is so strong. I find that prayer and reading my Bible give me the strength to get up the next day.

The worst time for me was always at night. When the kids were in bed and all my work was done and there was just...silence. Thats when it all hits. It was so hard going to bed at night and seeing his empty side of the bed and knowing that he wasn't alone like I was. Never seemed fair that I was the faithful one and I was the one alone. But I promise these thoughts do start to fade. It is 2 years from my D-Day and even though we are in recovery, those thoughts creep up on me more than I care to admit. It is a long hard battle. But I promise, I does get better.

My H even had the nerve to call and let me know when OW went into labor. She had her daughter in the same room that I had my oldest. She did everything she could to dig her nails in and it hurt. What hurt the most was that the one person that was supposed to protect me from such pain was the one causing it.

If you are going to save your marriage, you have to seperate the two men who are your WH right now. The man doing this is NOT your H. Think of him as being taken over by aliens or something. Your H is in there, he has just been buried deep inside this imposter.

It does hurt that he is doing things with her. My H even took OW to his uncles funeral to "show off the baby". Nice, huh. He took her kids trick-or-treating and told mine he did't have time. He told us we weren't going to the local fair because he "didn't want to this year" and then found out her took her and her kids. It's a pain that almost tears your heart out.

But the point to all this is that my H did come out of the fog. He did come home. We are in recovery and, with the exception of a few bumps in the road, we are doing very well. My H was not only in an A fog, he was in a drug and alcohol fog. If he can come out of all that, your H can too.

My grandma used to say that there is hope until there is none. Only you can decide when there is none. Keep at it and eventually you will see a difference in him or you will see one in yourself and know it is time to let go. Either way your heart will tell you when it is time.

Keep leaning on God. He is the only rock that never moves.

Lakeri, those were excellent uses of plan A moments. It is the little things that we can build upon.

WH came by again last Monday night, had tea with kids and waited for me to get back. He seemed to have something on his mind but just held it back. I am also cautious though about pushing him too much and I guess he's probably just going back and forth like you predicted because after that he was back to his usual self. He was supposed to have the kids again this Saturday but he said he was working and asked if they could sleep over. My daughter told me that she only saw the OW on Sunday morning because she was out all Saturday night. Their dad took them out for pizza for dinner and then took them out for lunch without the OW before bringing them back.

It seemed a bit weird that she was not there but I guess that's not for me to worry about. I think it was better for the kids that way.

This time round it wasn't as hard having them over at his house or maybe its just because I try not too hard to think about it.

Keep it up and let the A crash and burn. If OW was "out all night" you can only imagine the reasons. *gag*

Hi. Today I’ve been doing some thinking. Nothing happened to trigger this but I just feel that my life is not going anywhere right now.

I understand how Plan A is supposed to work and that it shouldn’t be done for too long before moving to Plan B, but I just feel that I am not in a situation where either can work for me. Reading through other threads, I notice that most people are physically separated from their wayward spouse for relatively shorter periods of time than I have been. We’ve been apart 20 months and in that time my WH has never waivered from the position that he has no interest in coming back. Yes he is friendly at times, but he said the other day that he does intend to mislead me and that he is just being civil. I know this could be fog talk but one thing that he complained about was people second guessing him. He said that he always meant what he said.

I may be wrong and it may be the fog talking but I just have very little incentive left to keep trying. Being separated like this I only see him for about 15 mins every fortnight. Yes I can persuade him to stay a few minutes longer but this just leaves me feeling worse, like I’m getting crumbs. My self-esteem has been ripped to shreds and this is just making it worse.

I still love my H and I would have wanted to save my marriage but I really don’t believe there is anything left to salvage and I’m the one suffering. I don’t like the idea of divorce but probably more because of the sense of defeat I would feel if he married the OW and probably because I know that he probably will or if not he’ll just move on to someone else. My H always believed that if you made a decision you had to stick with it right or wrong and that he never goes back only forward. I never agreed with this but that’s how he felt. I don’t think he’ll come back even if it’s just out of pride. I also don’t think he’d notice if I did a Plan B, we don’t talk or see each other and somehow a Plan B letter seems redundant seeing as he’s been gone close to two years and he made it clear long ago that I should move on. Somehow I think the letter would just make me the butt or more of their jokes. They’ve lived together now for about a year. If I waited another year for the affair to end, which it may, I can’t imagine what state I would be in by then. I think that would destroy me completely.

I don’t think the divorce will necessarily bring him back or cure how I feel but somehow knowing that it’s over and done with and final will help me to move on.

I’m not ready for a relationship right now but even if someone were to come my way, I would not be able to go along with it for as long as I am still legally married, it’s just the way I am, so ultimately staying married to him is only my loss. I just think I’m prolonging the inevitable. I know it looks like I’m giving up but that’s just how I feel. I’ve lived through this affair for three years now with all the ups and downs and sometimes I think things just have to come to an end, which ever way that is. A divorce may not do that, but may be it will be the start of the end.

Am I just a loser or does anyone else understand how I feel.

I meant does not intend to mislead me.

You are not a loser. (((lakeri))) I understand and my H and I were only separated for 2 weeks so yes the long separation and your WH's stuborn attitude could impede recovery. Take your time, you don't have to rush this process

(((lakeri)))

You are not a loser. It seems like a long time, but you will be ready to move on for you when you are ready. What other people think isn't important, what feels right for you is.

FTS

Hi all,

Its been a while since I was last here.

Finally the OC is here a boy. My WH didn't have the guts to tell me though. He just came and picked up the kids and took them to his house to see the baby. He told them that this is auntie P's baby. He never explained the relationship of the baby to him or them but I think my daughter who is 7 figured it out. My 5 year old son just asked why all other kids have a mum and dad and he doesn't.

When I saw my WH he still didn't say anything even when I congratulated him directly. He just changed the subject like I hadn't said anything. Actually he called first thing the next morning after the kids had been to his house.

I thought I would be a lot more devastated than I am. I was upset because it changes everything. Now there's nothing exclusive about our relationship and my children have to live without a father while this woman's child gets to have both parents.It just puts alot of things into perspective for me. Now that this child is actually here I don't think that I could have my WH back in my life even if he wanted to. There just doesn't seem to be anything special about our relationship anymore. The option of divorce just makes so much more sense now.

It was my youngest sons birthday yesterday and all his relatives even fromout of the country were calling. I thought it strange seeing as we hadn't heard from most of them for about a year. I guess they're feeling abit guilty about the way things have gone.


One of my WH's workmates also happens to be my brother's sister-in-law. She is the HR manager and was informed as soon as the OC was born. She didn't tell me because she felt it wasn't her place to do so and waited for him to tell me. But once I knew she did talk about it and said it is not going down very well with the management. This is a new worklace for him, he left the place he used to work at with the OW, but its the same type of business and the fraternity is small. He is in senior management and his colleagues are not too happy with the situation. SHe also said that he is very depressed of late but he doesn't talk about it much.

I suppose reality is sinking in for him. He used to complain a lot about us having a third child and that he didn't want anymore children. When he started the affair his aunt warned him that a woman who didn't have children would most likely try to have one as soon as possible. He also thought that he could juggle the kids back and forth but I suppose now that she has a child of her own she's not so keen on having his other kids around anymore. well life sucks, but I think the greatest injustice is to my kids. I can get over this and move on but for them they will always know that their dad chose another child over them. I don't really now what to do to protect them from this because I know it must be hurting them.

Oh, honey. I wish I knew where you were so I could run over and hug you. I know exactly where you are and how you are feeling.

You aren't as upset as you thought because it hasn't hit you yet. You are numb right now, but unfortunately that won't last and you will cry your heart out.

I felt that it was a grave injustice also. Why should this OC get two parents at the cost of my own children? Resentment will build, but please try to remember that this child did not ask to be born. Place the blame where it truly belongs...at the feet of your WH and OW.

I know what you mean about your relationship not feeling special anymore. I didn't feel my kids were special anymore. No matter how many women he had slept with, I comforted myself with the knowledge that I had the ring and the kids. No one had that but me. Somehow the OC cheapend my own children. How special could our children really be if he would give one to any common wh!re?

I felt like that for a really long time. But then I realized that it wasn't necessarily true. My children were planned for and looked forward to. They were concieved in love not lust. They were a beautiful expression of our love for eachother....her child was the result of a trap...a lie. My H was actually very angry when she told him she was pregnant. He did not want that child and everyone was made aware of it by him.

Give yourself time to work through your emotions. Don't rush into a decision until you are absolutely positive it is the right one. My prayers are with you in this time because I know how difficult it is. Please don't disappear again, you are going to need as much support right now as you can get.

I am very pleased that his work place is taking any kind of stand about the situation. Very rare.

Hang in there and remember you are not alone on that cliff and jumping never solves anything. Will check back with you soon.

I think you have been given some good advicefrom the other replies I've seen. I personally do not have a whole lot of room to comment in terms of having an affair(see my post). However, a piece of advice that I will give is that exposure to the public is never a good idea. Yes this should be exposed to relatives on both sides but to expose this to place of employment and CHURCH i feel is a no no. One of the main reasons is that you will be bringing other people into a situation that is between you and your husband. You run the risk of receiving bad advice from people that have no experience with marriage or relationships. You purpose maybe to expose your H and the affair but what also end up happening that you jeopardize exposing yourself to scrutiny. It can make the situation worse if you are considering reconciling. You are a strong women for trying to hang in there with your husband. That is rare today. My wife is trying to hang in there with me as well, but there are so many other factors stacked against us. Anyway, keep it all in prayer. Take care.

Lakeri - Where are you? How are you doing? Give us an update. I am worried about you.

PS - MB clearly states exposure to everyone is very important. We have seen these methods work time and time again. I especially feel exposing to your church is the most important. Give them no place to hide. As for it not being other peoples business..just remember that bad things happen when good people do nothing.



Thank you for proving my point.

Hello All,

I hope this message finds everyone in good spirit and health. Lakeri, I pray that things are working out better for you. From your latest message, it seems that you have gained a new sense of understanding and enlightenment. My recent response to your post was not to cause debate. My point, was that when exposing, and exposure may not be the best word....Mabye it is in this case....but I will use "disclose". When you are disclosing something, Church should be the first place you can turn. However, you have to make sure you are disclosing information to right people in the right way. If you don't you can end up creating even more stress for yourself. I say this because my wife regrets how she disclosed things to our church. It only created more stress for her to where she now has to distance herself from certain people.

You may have read my post. I respond to you as a sinner who, with the exception of staying with the OW, has engaged in an indiscrete act twice over. You are a strong women again for your perseverance and resiliance. I don't know if my wife will be able to see our marriage through nor will I. However, I respect so much her willingness to try to endure the pain I caused and I respect you for what you have endured.

Peace and Blessings,

I don't have the first-hand experience with affairs other posters here have, but I can emphatically say that if I were in your shoes I would not move forward with a divorce EVER until I saw the results of a paternity test for OC.

Hi there guidedcertainty,


You were really right. It finally hit me like a ton of bricks. My WH didn't help much either.

He asked if he could take my kids (the three of them) and their young uncle to see his Stepmom (His father's wife- I know this all sounds strange). She lives in his hometown. He gave me the impression that it was just them. When they got back though the kids told me that they went along with the OW and the OC. I was furious. He took these kids put them in a room of their own (my youngest has just turned 3) and then shared a room with the OW and the OC. My daughter told her aunt that my older son who is 5 cried the whole of the first night and said that he had a bad dream that when he got home I had left and he didn't know where I had gone. I have asked my WH over and over to not subject the kids to the OW but he just won't listen.

I had signed the divorce papers and I never actually withdrew them so the lawyer told me on monday that the hearing had been fixed for December 10. I am really in two minds about this divorce. Part of me wants to fight to the end for my marriage but the other part tells me that I'm already at the end and I don't have the physical or emotional energy left to fight. I have prayed about it and now I am leaving it to God. I haven't stopped the proceedings. If this is the way it is supposed to go then maybe it is about time.


I try hard not to listen to what other people think and say but it is a small town and my WH, the OW and I have a lot of mutual friends and acquaintances. It is causing alot of tension everywhere. I don't talk much to friends but they do although they deny this. They're telling everyone that I am a horrible person who tried to make my WH lose his job even though I supported him throughout the time he was working on getting his current job away from the OW. Now he tells everyone that I am difficult and he's doing everything for me and paying so much money to support me and I don't appreciate it. I have not bothered to defend myself. I just don't see the point. He knows the truth about what he has put us through and one day the others will know the truth too. The hardest part is that when its just us , he'll be so nice and friendly and pretend to be helpful. He just paid for the tiling in our house even though I hadn't asked him to. i find his behaviour very manipulative and sometimes even two-faced because he doesn't mention to anybody how he comes over and sits around at home or volunteers to do all these things instead he makes it sound like I'm demanding stuff and he is obliging. I let him do these things because I didn't see why I should be spiteful and vindictive but its hurting me so much. I just want him to stop and let us be. So probably the best I can do is let go of the whole situation and let God work it out.

Otherwise I am trying to look after myself. It's a busy time at work so I can't take any time off but I hope I will be able to next month. I want to take the kids away somewhere for sometime. I am also not feeling too well and I think I need to pay more attention to my health.

Thank you so much for the support. I will keep you posted.

Lakeri -

I am so sorry you are going thru this. I know how much it hurts. Just take one day at a time and remember to breathe. It does get easier I promise.

We had a visitation with OC last night for the first time in almost 3 months. I have to admit that I looked forward to it this time. She actually reached out for me which melted my heart a little bit.

If you feel divorce is what is best for you..than it is. That doesn't mean it is a perminant (sp?) thing. I just remarried my H and am very happy that I did. Give yourself some time. Just focus on you and your kids right now.

About keeping the OW and OC away from your children. Honey, it just isn't going to happen. Unless she is a threat to them..you are just going to have to figure out how to deal with it. I tried everything I could to legally keep my kids away from OW and there was nothing I could do. I wish there was better news for you.

The best thing you can do now is to simply not react when they talk about OW. If you let them know how you feel..they will think they are doing something wrong. To this day my kids love OW and she them. It is something that I simply had to deal with. I now encourage them to hug her good bye when we see her. It is what was best for them. The best way I knew to keep them out of the drama.

I have never spoken ill of her infront of them. The fight was between me and their father...not them. You need to find the best way to handle this for you and more importantly for your children. What will do the least amount of damage to them?

I know that isn't what you want to hear, but the right thing isn't always the easiest thing....as you well know. You are always in my prayers. Keep us posted.

Hug for you.

GC and Others..

I ask this out of the utmost respect and with no disdain whatsoever.

Do you feel that your actions to not express negativity over OW or the actions she has taken is only for the benefit of younger children? Do you think as they get older, this will possibly cause a "warped" sense of what is right or decent in relationships?

I am interested in your thoughts because it seems that being a "martyr of sorts" here may eventually cause a vicious circle of thinking infidelity is acceptable.

My COM were old enough to understand what was happening during their father's A. The MOW was very vocal in this small town and apparently very proud of the way she was living. Looking back, I don't know how I could have shielded them from this situation and stayed positive towards any players in this saga, but I truly wish that I sometimes had.

Only for my own self-respect.

I appreciate your thoughts.

Eibrab