I think this is an important issue to consider in all of this..as stated by NAB:
In my sitch, my FWH grew up in a FOO which his mom and sisters catered to him. This is deeply engrained in FWH. He doesn't even realize that most of the time his world revolves around him and his feelings. This goes beyond A's. I have learned, and continue to learn, to put boundaries in place, and to let him know when he is being uncaring.
I am having to accept that I choose someone that doesn't have a level of care that I need and then judge him by this, become angry that he is what he always has been. I don't have any real answers beyond that, still trying to figure it out.
I have my own share of ANGER ISSUES from my FOO which came with me into the marriage and my H has his FOO issues as well.
The problem for me was having spent so many years of my marriage trying to make him into who I wanted him to be. The same with him.
I think the KEY TO RECOVERY has been ACCEPTANCE. THIS IS THE MAN THAT I CHOSE TO MARRY. This is WHO HE IS..with all of his personality flaws which I had nothing to do with...He has come to ACCEPT ME, too...
HOW and WHY..establishing a RELATIONSHIP based on OPENESS AND HONESTY..rather than DISRESPECTFUL JUDGEMENTS...
I've come to ACCEPT that it's HIS CHOICE whether he works on HIS ISSUES..I can't FORCE him..I can tell him how I feel about what he does and says and how I think that affects OUR relationship and OUR marriage..but I have chosen to ACCEPT HIM and to LOVE HIM...
