After several years of our marriage becoming increasingly weak we are at a crisis point. A couple of weeks ago an argument led to our joint but heat-of-the-moment decision that I should leave. I have been staying with relatives ever since.

We have sat down and talked once since then. She has said she wants the marriage to work as she does not want the kids to grow up with divorced parents. Honestly, that is my primary motivation for trying to work things out as well.

She is not opposed seeing a marriage counselor but she does not want me to return while we work on things. At first I thought that was ridiculous but after I gave it some thought I realized that I do not want to return unless and until she comes to the point where she agrees that we have to work on the intimacy issues in our marriage. Her approach is to work out all of the other issues (mostly financial) and then we can address the intimacy issues.

BTW, the intimacy issues include, but are certainly not limited to, sex. We very, very rarely have a night out wihout the kids. We never get away (even for a weekend) together. We do not talk just between the two of us more than a few minutes during the course of a week.

There is no physical abuse and as far as I know neither of us has had an affair. We are both "professionals" with demanding jobs (her's more so than mine at the moment).

My questions:

We have two children, one twelve and one five. My wife had suggested telling them that I was out of town working. I refused stating that I did not want to lie to them. Besides, they know the circumstances under which I left. They have each asked me when I am coming home and why I can't come right now. I have told them that their mother and I have some things to talk about before that can happen. Their reply has been, "so, talk." I have not bad mouthed their mother nor do I intend to. However, I would be less than honest if I said that it does not bother me that my impression is that they may be thinking that the decision for me not to be in the house is solely mine.

Any ideas as to whether I need to be saying anything different to my children?

Second, I have never been to counseling of any type before and I am apprehensive about bringing another personality into the mix. However, I do not think that we stand a chance of reconciliation without the input of some third party.

Any ideas as to the best approach? Straight to a local counselor? Video? Books? Telephone coaching?
I will add that I believe I would be more receptive to videos, books etc than she would. She has a tendency to skim over things that she is not particularly interested in. She reads at least twice as fast as I and comprehends about half as much (please, please don't take that the wrong way -- I am not insulting her intelligence in any way -- I am just saying that she is not very willing to delve very deeply into what she is reading).

Any ideas are welcome.

Thanks.

Whoop,
Welcome to the board.
I am new, and so so sorry that I have no words of wisdom. I just want you to know that I support you in your time of crisis. I'll be watching your thread & hoping for the best.
Peace,
SL

No affair?

Go home, and go home now. The two of you are PARENTS and YOUR problems with each other should never negatively impact the children who are your JOINT responsibility.

You have "issues" and your wife has "issues." Neither one of you has been able or willing to address and solve those issues on your own, so it "should" be self-evident that trying to "solve it on your own" again will not work.

If you keep doing the same thing you've always done (both of you), why on earth would you "expect" a different outcome?

Joint Marital Counseling with a trained counselor who is dedicated to saving marriages is NEEDED and necessary.

Yes, it's "easier" to remain separated and not have to deal with the problem.

For two professionals, both of you sure seem to be dealing with all of this in a rather childish manner. Your children seem to have more sense than the adults.

They have each asked me when I am coming home and why I can't come right now. I have told them that their mother and I have some things to talk about before that can happen. Their reply has been, "so, talk."

With "childlike simplicity" they cut to the heart of the problem. You LIED to them. IF "talk" was all that was needed, the SOLUTION would be to talk.

Talk IS needed, but COUNSELING and actually addressing the "problems" and coming up with solutions that can be applied to the "problems" is what is NEEDED.

Conflict avoidance never solved anything, it just delays the inevitable and allows the "800 pound gorilla" to keep growning or the "barrel of monkeys" to keep adding monkeys so that no rest or solution can be had because you are "too busy" wrestling with one monkey while the others are destroying the house.

Go home. Start being the husband and leader and father that is needed.

God bless.