Long,

i understand what you are saying.

for the record, i also TOTALLY agree with this stmt by OWL:

"My wife and I were BOTH living in that bad environment. She wasn't meeting my needs...nor was I meeting hers.

I chose not to. She chose to do so. Same circumstances...different CHOICE."


I am COMPLETELY responsible for my choices.

Hey,
Melody is one of the most highly respected and insightful people on this site. She has a way of cutting to the chase. She also has great Harley references at her finger tips that provide food for thought.

I'd take her counsel above just about anybody elses here.

Be careful what you say, those could be fightin words FL22H <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

Lake, you may not know my name but i've been here a long time too.

sorry, i don't have the same opinion of her.

bottomline, i don't like her style. my choice.

i do know she has helped many many people and i'm very glad she has been able to do that. and i even appreciate her passion. i don't dislike her, just her style.

i'm not trying to pick a fight, i'm just stating my opinion.

FH, let me assure you that is not the purpose of this forum, unless you know something I don't. The purpose of this forum is to validate Marriage Builders principles, not fogged out thinking. The purpose here is to validate DR HARLEY's guidance and learn from him.

Now, if you want to "validate" someone or something, you are free to do so, but no one else here is obliged to do so.

Nor is it in anyone's best interest to "validate" foggy thinking. That is commonly known as ENABLING.


And your problem, not mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the nice words, lake. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

not a problem at all Melody. but thanks for your concern <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

you are welcome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Finally,

Of course you understand Long's post....it makes you feel better about what you did. That there were valid reasons behind the thoughts, decisions, to hurt your BH, family.

Well, you know what, I agree with Long too....There are reasons behind almost every intentional decision we make. Unfortunatley in adultery those reasons stem from completley selfish, immoral, intentional, and delusional justifications, beliefs and principles. Sure they are reasons but in no way, shape or form can they be justified. Loopy adulterous astronaut has a reason today, insanity, that she tried to kidnap, torture, perhaps murder her adulterous rival.....She wasn't too insane to drive 1000 miles across country to do the deed. She wasn't and isn't insane. She was selfish, entitled, angry, resentful, bitter,and more and that's why she did it.

Firsttimer,

The advice you have received to tell your husband IS in an effort to support you in ending the affair. His wife knowing about it works in favor of that as well. A secret only has power over us as long as it remains secret. Once it is exposed to the light of truth and reality, it loses its control over us because it can be seen by all and they likely see it much more clearly than we do.

The reasons you were vulnerable to the affair cannot be addressed until the affair has ended. At the same time, the likelihood of you simply becoming stronger and staying away from OM becomes less likely with each attempt, unless he eventually decides to dump you for someone else.

What you need in order to avoid future affairs is a marriage that is more fulfilling and gives you what you perceived to be the need that the affair was able to supply for you. This cannot happen in a vacuum. Unless your husband is learning to meet your needs in the way you need to have them met, you will forever be vulnerable to anyone who is able to meet those needs in a way that may be natural to them. This places the probability very low and though you can be assured that the affair will eventually end, it will not lead to a restored marriage without your directed efforts.

In addition, your husband will likely find out eventually and then will also be devastated by your continued lies.

What if OM suddenly decides that he is not willing to share you any longer and goes to your husband to try to get him to let you go? What if OM confesses to his w and she calls your husband to give him the news so that he can help her police NC from the other side?

What if someone you know discovers the affair and has a desire to do the right thing and calls your husband?

There are too many what ifs to ignore. Not telling him yourself only means that he will find out from someone else and then you will have to deal with that aspect as well.

You asked for help overcoming your addiction to OM. Every piece of advice you have been given is pretty much the same. It isn't that we don't understand the question, but that you don't grasp the answer.

The only way you will ever have the marriage you desire is to rebuild it from the ground up and if it is based on a lie and deception, it will not stand the test of time. Ending this affair by will power alone will result in another down the road and another after that.

If your husband decides to end the marriage and divorce you because you were honest, that is his choice. But as long as he does not know the truth, the marriage is based on lies and he doesn't have the right to choose since you are withholding that right from him. You made your choices and he has the right to make his based on truth rather than falsehood.

Please don't end this dialog because you are not hearing what you wanted to hear. People here care deeply for marriage in general as well as coming to care greatly for each other as they become known to each other.

You have tried to quit by being strong. To quote Dr Phil, "How's THAT workin' for ya?"

Mark

Sorry FL22H,
I got confused with all the "2"s and thought you were the newbie, LongWay2Go when I responded to you. I just assumed it was the newbie stating the obvious that we don't all speak in unison. When Marriage Builders Principals are being stated, to me, the "we" is obvious and I was reminding a newbie of Mel's status with MB Principals.

Sorry for the mix-up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

HopeandPray

"it makes you feel better about what you did."

you could not be any farther off base. you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA!!!! and you are EXTREMELY RUDE for saying that.

Lake, no worries.

Firsttimer,

Mark's words here are very very good IMO. If it truly is your choice to end the A and rebuild your M, his advice is great.

Some people may come across as caring only for BS's, some only for WS's, some for marriage in general, some only for championing what they consider right, even others to merely hear themselves talk. It is up to everyone reading to discern who is who, for it will vary for every reader.

My own words work here on myself as well -- everyone here is fully convinced that they are doing what is right and best, but only you know what that means for you. May you have the wisdom to figure out what that is, but much more importantly the courage to follow it.

Everyone is clearly wasting their breath on this post because firsttimer is clearly going to just run away and contact OM. She is seeking sympathy because she feels guilty about her affair and lying to her husband, but she has no intention of actually fixing the problem. Giving her sympathy will only enable her to alleviate some of her guilt by foolish, well-intentioned people here patting her on the back for TRYING not to contact OM. We'll see how long she can go until she comes back for more sympathy and pats on the back to further enable her selfish behavior.

Geez - you guys are all doom and gloom.

I am a good person - I made a horrible mistake and I am sorry.

This was/is a powerful addiction which I am trying to overcome. I'm not asking for your sympathy - just encouragement that what I thought I felt for OM was not reality. I want to be strong and think with clarity.

I am trying to stay positive. Telling my H would not make this any easier - believe me. Focusing on my family and devoting myself fully to them will.

Thank you to those who understand what I'm going through and had the courage to post some support - I really appreciate it.

you are a bad person so long as you continue deceiving your H. Sorry... a WS that decides every single day to take choices away from her H is NOT a good person. Not in the least.

Staying positive will NOT fix your marriage. Staying positive will NOT help you 'get over OM'. Staying positive will NOT solve your problems.

You need to stop looking for 'easier'...and start looking for how you can repair the damage done to your marriage and your family.

Other than not "making it easier"...can you tell me how not telling your husband will help you to affair proof your marriage and rebuild it into a better one?

More bullcrap. There is nothing "positive" about continuing to lie to and defraud your husband. Lying is NOT "devoting" yourself to your husband. Honesty is the solution to adultery, not more lies.

Talk is cheap, firstimer, this is all just more empty talk.


A good person who lies and cheats? Adultery is not a "mistake," it is a premeditated act. And I don't see any indication that you are sorry at all when you intend to continue to harm your victim. True remorse would be demonstrated by being honest with your victim.

Finally,

First of all I have read many of your other comments and agree with a lot of them, thinking them good and useful advice. I wasn't trying to be rude or presumptive and apologize if it was taken that way. BUT, to say that you agree with Long on some of the "fog babble" he was spewing (rightfully so only 3 weeks post NC established) had my head spinning.

What he said makes no sense. It justifies the behavior, the choices because "that's how I felt at the time, it all seemed so real, etc.". We can almost convince ourselves of anything and justify anything if we try hard enough. Don't kid yourself into thinking that a WS never has an aw hah moment in the middle of an affair and really see's what they are doing. They see it but will not stop it because they can justify it to themselves using flawed logic and emotion.

Sorry if you were offended but I disagree with most of what Long wrote EVEN though I understand the flawed reasoning behind what he wrote.

I am done here - I am leaving your negativity behind me and moving on. I stand firm in my belief that I can process this on my own and get back to the person I was before this mess. Thanks again for your time and perspective. Take care.