Come back when you are really serious about getting honest. We will be here.

No Lady you are leaving the truth behind because you don't want to hear or read it. Best of luck to your poor, BH. At least have yourself checked for STD's before sleeping with him. You owe him that much.

Unless I am not understanding something here... You cannot get STD's from an EA. I believe she said it was approaching a PA but i didn't think that line was ever crossed.

firsttimer, i for one wish you would NOT throw up your hands and run off. you are choosing to say "the negativity is running me off". You need help. If you are going to run from the help you could find here, please find help somewhere else.

please stop the madness.

hopeandpray,

thanks for the clearing up that you were not actually saying that you knew i feel ok about what i did even though that is exactly what you wrote. i suppose on a better day, i might be able to accept "your apology" more graciously.

i don't mind you disagreeing with my comments to long's post. i didn't like the way you choose to respond to me by starting out with that incorrect stmt "it makes you feel better about what you did." because I DON"T!

obvioulsy i'm sick of being told i'm a bad person today and since i don't dare tell my DH how sick of it i am, i'm doing it hear instead.

From Penalty Kill



You can get STDs from phone calls? Maybe catch something from the receiver?

Look Firsttimer (second timer? third timer?) maybe I'm a bit jaded, but I don't see why you're so afraid to tell your H about an EA/Inappropriate friendship/call it what you will.

That is, if it's only an EA. Most men are far more upset when the A becomes physical. So what's the deal?

Also, you say this:
Your "wonderful reality"? I'm not buying it. Something has made you want to escape your "wonderful reality". How about working w/your wonderful H to find out what's missing? Because the marriage can't get better if only one person knows there's something wrong.


Good. You brought up the dependency analogy. Let's extrapolate from there.


That's not how you recover from a dependency. You don't forget that you're an addict and "move on". You remember, and you let the important people in your life know so that you can find it easier to stay away from the substance you're dependent upon.

In your case, it's the OM.

PK

I bet you a $100 you will contact OM again. When I'm right, I'll let you off the hook if you tell your husband.

Oh, we're such horrible people for trying to get you to do the right thing. I can't see why you would get a negative response for continuing to deceive your husband. Yeah, we're the bad people. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

See first's post below. Do you really believe these words were written about an EA? I don't and would bet my paycheck the two have already been physical.

hopeandpray,

see there you go again.... making assumptions. and that helps, how???

From Penalty Kill


H+P, I do see your point, which was why I questioned first as to why she had such reticence w/regard to telling her H. I read her posts, including when she initially came to MB, and I think that she stopped short of a PA, and recognized that she was headed in that direction.

But we're all kind of dependent on what the poster says, and our own situation colors our views. It's interesting that you brought it up, because I was just thinking today about a particular poster's situation and how something just doesn't ring true. My H agrees with me, but since it's not our situation....what do we know?

PK

To let her know that reasonable people including her husband can see through her BS.

How is defending/enabling helping? She's obviously got no intention of coming clean, so screw her, she's a lost cause. She'll never get over her addiction until she hits rock bottom. We're helping her hit rock bottom. Don't cushion her blow.

Firsttimer,

First step is to be totally honest with yourself. Look at yourself. I will believe your answer, so please, no answer is better than a lie.

Has there ever been any physical aspect to your A?

Firsttimer,

I'm not sure if you are reading here or not, but I wanted to tell you I understand what you are saying and I said the same things for a long time. I was going to take my A to the grave. As time passed I realized if my H and I were going to have a strong marriage we HAD to build it on a solid foundation. I came to realize if he found out about my A long after we rebuilt he could easily question our entire marriage.

It took me 15 months to finally decided telling him was the right thing to do. Now I know the "secret' won't ruin all the work we put into our marriage.

Don't disregard what people are saying to you now. Really think about it. It's scary as he** to think about the reaction your H may have. I was sure my H would walk right out the door. He didn't, he showed me how much he really did love me. I don't regret for a second that I told him, I do wish I had told him sooner than I did. It would have allowed us to start healing sooner.

If you want to insure NC and rid yourself of the OM confessing is the key. My withdrawal lasted forever because I was still working with my FOM for 2 years after I ended the A. Hindsight I think it was a form of self-torture because I thought I deserved to be miserable. Once NC was firmly in place, after I confessed and FOM left our employer, I could finally get over withdrawal.

My timeframe for withdrawal was almost 2 years. Withdrawal lasted from the time I ended the A Sept 2003 until FOM finally moved from our area in Aug 2005. If I had sense enough to confess right away, NC would have been firmly in place and 2 years later I would not have been going through what I was.

Read and re-read all the advice you were given, it really will start to make sense. I didn't start posting on this site until this past Jan, but I heard the same thing on another board from BS's and FWS's. It isn't just MB's that will give you this advice. You will get it from anyone who knows how important complete honesty is in having a strong marriage.

Edited to add:

I can equate my addiction to FOM to being an alcoholic trying to stop drinking while being employed as a wine taster. I needed outside help to stop, I waiting too long to ask for it. With several FAILED attempts to stop the addiction under your belt, you are heading in the same direction I was.
LC

Tell my BH, Y or N...

Honey, I have something I need to tell you that is not going to be pleasant for you to hear. I have been having thoughts and sharing conversations with another man. I let my guard down and before I knew it he and I were spending a lot of time together helping one another so we thought. I am so sorry that I did not to come to you when I was feeling down, depressed and such about life and allow us to help each other through this time. I turned to someone else to share with and I abhor myself for doing so. I will never do it again. This is what I am willing to do to prove my undying love and commitment to you and to assure you that this can never happen again.....fill in the blanks.

Tell my BH, Y or N

Honey, I have to tell you something. I have really be depressed and unhappy about some things for sometime now. I didn't come and tell you about them and instead begin to seek assurance and support from another man. This led to many long conversations and some type of bond developed between us. Before I knew it our conversations had turned into sneaking around and having sex together at the Holiday Inn on Main St. I wanted to stop but couldn't. He and the relationship made me feel alive again. I know I was wrong and want to stop but can't and need your help. He has the hold over me. He is in my thoughts, dreams, and I can't get rid of him. I want you and love you but............................

My point is that the first conversation while not likely to be a pleasant one, if handled correctly and if First's BH loves her will be one that could be the start of recovery.

The second one might also be the start of recovery but I can assure you from a man's perspective it is a different rollercoaster ride than the first one (i.e. - including the physical nature of the affair). This one might not have a happy ending and is, I believe, the reason she doesn't want to tell her BH.

I may be wrong.

thinking of you firsttimer.

hoping you will come back and answer my question. honesty with yourself is where it all starts.

God bless.

FirstTimer:

The 'person you were before this mess' is the one who got you into this mess.

"I am done here - I am leaving your negativity behind me and moving on. I stand firm in my belief that I can process this on my own and get back to the person I was before this mess. Thanks again for your time and perspective. Take care."

You can't simply go back and pretend it never happened.
First off you have to STOP it and the best way to do that is EXPOSURE. I mean come on now how many addiction recovery programs have you heard of that advise the addict to keep their addiction a secret and just try to quit on their own with no support group, no accountability, and no avoidance of the situations/places/people involved with the addiction?

I can think of several reasons why you are refusing to do what's needed to end the adultery:

1) you don't really want to end it - just want to get an ease the guilt fix from some well-meaning folks

2) you are ambivalent about ending it so you don't want to burn any bridges with OM or tip off BS's so they can interfere

3) you are severely underestimating the addiction and/or overestimating your ability to abstain

4) you have already become physically involved and/or want to get that far before you quit (why stop now? BH will never know?)

5) your false sense of pride, your reputation, is more important to you than your husband and marriage, you'd rather betray your husband and decieve him than feel embarrassed

6) you've already decided to continue the adultery and are just going through the motions of 'trying' to end it so you can use the 'I tried but it didn't work' justification (usually leads to the 'therefore OP MUST be my soulmate' delusion)

Sorry, I can't think of a single reason why you should continue to lie to your husband by hiding your adultery, let alone how that deception could somehow (magically?) end your adultery and repair your marriage.

how about number 7...

she doesn't respect her husband enough to let him make his own decisions about his life. She would rather have him exist as her ******...being kept in the dark about her dirty little secrets.