This was the most difficult thing I've ever done...and am so glad I did!

My WW and I had "agreed" awhile ago to not tell the kids (about "impending" divorce - not filed, just talk) until some undefined time in the future - that kept getting slid to the right so as not to "ruin" their summer vacation/camping trip/return to school, etc., etc.

Finally woke up and realized that this was part of the "enabling" B.S. I've come to accept in myself as a BS. I knew full well that the kids knew most, if not all of the situation but were feeling the same "don't rock the boat" and "if we ignore this maybe it will go away" kind of thing.

It was clear that she was probably waiting for me to somehow get on the same page so we could have a "mommy and daddy won't be living together" speech that would somehow look as though we were unified in this thing...when nothing could be further than the truth.

Just spent a fantastic week w/ my children and toward the end I took a deep breath and said "so, I've got something more serious to talk about..."

I told them (13/14) that they've obviously known that we've been struggling for some time now, and then basically asked them what they knew about what was going on but afraid to talk about. Essentially, they knew that WS was being "suspicious" - 13-yr-old's observation - boy do we not give our children enough credit!

I told them that WS did not want to be married anymore but that I did, and that I loved her very much and was working very hard to keep the marriage going. As if that wasn't hard enough, I then gulped and said - "I think the reason that Mom doesn't want to be married anymore is that she has a boyfriend"...

Daughter's immediate response was "I suspected as much"...

And this was how we started talking about the 500lb gorilla in the room... There were some tears, anger, frustration and many questions. When asked what her feelings were - sadness? anger? my D said "disappointed- SHE's the one who's supposed to protect us from this sort of thing!" Wow.

I graciously declined to provide details and kept it at as high a level as possible, keeping to the theme that I love her very much, want to do all I can, and that she needs their love more than anything else. I stressed that she was NOT trying to hurt them, and that she was in much pain herself.

They were the ones who brought up the whole subject of deceit - my DD used the word "betrayed" - and I said that it wasn't directed at them, but was rather a natural way to, in her mind, "protect" them from the situation.

...in the end, it was as though a great weight was lifted from their shoulders...everything made sense...pieces fell into place.

Phoned WS shortly afterwards to let her know that kids knew she didn't want to be married anymore so that she wouldn't be caught unaware when she picked them up...she was pretty pissed...essentially mad at me because I had "broken our agreement to tell them together". Hmmmm...guess I did. I then let her know that they now knew about OM. Silence.

Now it really began.

She basically went on and on about how unfair that was and that she had talked to "many counselors" about whether or not to tell them about the affair, and that they, unanimously agreed it wasn't appropriate. "Is this how I should trust you", etc., etc. Again, hmmmm.

So there we are - kids feel better, I feel better, I'm not lying to them or covering up for WS anymore, and they now don't have to walk around on eggshells. What happens w/ OM and our M is now up to her - at least for awhile...

She's having an A and she's questioning whether you are trustworthy?

Oops! Sorry. The answer to that question would require common sense and integrity and we are talking about a WS here. None of that to be found.

Good job on a difficult conversation. Your children will always know which parent they can trust. That would be the one who told them the truth, but did it in a way that softened the blow, yet validated what they already suspected. Your DD was right-you all have been betrayed.

"He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and and for his children it will be a refuge." Prov 14:26

Cap,

Don't you just love how they can just PULL EXPERTS out of the air when needed. I doubt very much that she has spoken with anyone, and I doubt that they said do not tell the kids, especially at the ages of your children.

It is all about "me" really, but there is little you can do.

I think you did a great job telling the kids, and while they are very sad, I am sure they feel better knowing what is going on in their family, and it is THEIR family as well.

Your W is not only ruining your marriage, she is harming the kids family. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good for you, you did the right thing and it sounds as if you did it very well.

God Bless,

JL

My dear Capitan,

I know how hard it was but you and your children have shown many here how to create a support group and how beneficial it is to do so ASAP.

Your children now know you love them and all the babble from the WS won't undo it. Not permanently anyways. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Form a pack with your children, reassure them you will not abandon them as the WS did and ask for their help in return while you all look out for the other. Yes, your children are part of your support group as much as you are part of theirs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz to you and your family,
L.

Thanks all for the words of support!

Will need to be VERY careful not to use them "against" her. That is not fair to them and not at all what I intend. I did it primarily to open the door for them to be honest about their feelings and to gain their support for ME and OUR family, not to trash WS.

We'll see how this works...

Will continue to take it one day at a time - with love and honesty.

Watch the Diana interview that has been on this week. She mentions how each time there was news, she made sure her children heard it from her before the media. The WS in her case (Prince C) didn't have the balls to tell his children. He went to the media 1st.

I respect Diana for her ability to keep her children informed despite the odds against her. While it is a stretch of the imagination to think that Charles and his hordes could have even mastered something like that 'accident' if you watch the interview you will learn what the royal family did do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yep....they think we don't know but like the terrorists of this world, even the royal family are bullies. Foolish bullies because we all know what fools they are. Dumb WS'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You know you won't use your children as weapons but you can be sure you w/b accused of it. So be prepared to be accused and even be prepared for the WS to attempt to use the chlidren against you. Form a strong bond with your support group don't worry about any fears about using your children. You love them and will do your best to protect them from your family's foremost human enemy....the WS.

L.

Capitan:

Now you will start making some headway against your WW.

Everyday, she is going to have to look at her kids, and when she talks, they will turn thier heads sort of sideways, like a dog does, with a look of "WHAT is she SAYING?" on thier faces.

Because THEY Understand now. And WW still doesn't.

LG

Which is just how it should be. The difference now is that WW is feeling the consequences of her own actions, and I'll bet she doesn't like the light that's highlighting her choices.

Who

You did a great job. Your children are smart and definitely old enough to be fully aware of what is going on.

Telling my kids about their dad's affair holds the most awful memory for me. I ended up in ER because one of my daughters had a full-blown asthma attack brought on by the news. It really shattered her little world.

I hope this is a turning point for you all. The dirty little secret is out. Good luck. TT

Thanks! Today is "E"-day (exposure day) +1. Will just have to take it a day at a time.

Fully expecting WS to do one of two things at this point - either say nothing to the kids, hoping it'll go away, or go into full frontal assault, telling them of all the LBing I'd done over the years in order to "justify" the affair. We'll see...

Hey Capitan!

Great job! You now have your fire-team together and can start working on full exposure.

Your kids will now know why mom wants to "drop them off" with someone and can say something to her...

You did good to not go into any details. Your W will probably resort to such tactics, but don't you do the same. Reinforce the fact to your kids that you are fighting for the M and for their mom and them...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Ask your wife to give you the names and numbers of the counselors she talked with, so that you can reach out to them and get some better understanding on how they were suggesting that you work things out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

That should generate an interesting discussion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is bullcrap. Dr. Harley is one of the leading experts in infidelity and here is what he says:

Harley on kids and OPs:


1. Do I let them talk to me about what they do with OW and my WH?

Yes. Knowledge is power, and you want to know as much as possible about what's going on. Besides, you want to be able to answer their questions about why their father is with the other woman.

2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

"Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse)."

Secondly, she should never "trust" you to enable her sleazy behavior by lying to your kids.

Cap, I am glad that you told your children, but the MOST IMPORTANT lesson in this message must be that ADULTERY IS IMMORAL. If you do not give them this much needed moral guidance, they will believe adutlery is just another option. They need your moral guidance now more than even. And SILENCE is not moral guidance!! It only causes moral confusion and self doubt.

Got an email from some old family friends this morning and replied, CCing my wife. They asked how we were doing and I told them we were struggling and that they could give WW a call for further details. I then emailed WW and let her know I CC'd her so she'd be fully aware of any communications with friends about us - a one-sided POJA...

I didn't tell them about A, and told WW I'd give her "first dibs" on explaining what's going on. Here is reply:



I told her that it is HER actions that define her reputation. As for the kids, I said "they deserve to be told by you that you were wrong in doing what you did. You deserve the respect you will earn from them by doing so. They love you and are extremely hurt by what you have been doing - please help them learn a GOOD life lesson by facing it squarely and honestly."

Still waiting to see if and how she engages w/ the children given their new knowledge of the truth...here's hoping that the good side of guilt and shame will surface...

I would reply to her that "telling your friends the truth about your life" is not "trashing her" and that you are not "trashing her reputation," she is. Are the police "trashing Michael Vick's reputation" or did he?

DON'T GIVE HER A CHANCE TO SPIN THIS

WOW

This is so silly. JUST EXPOSE her already.

I'm not familiar with your story. Did you expose your WW to her family?

Okay, I just caught up with your story. Your WW is OBVIOUSLY concerned about appearances, you need to lauch operation NUCLEAR EXPOSURE to expose her to the consequences of what she is doing. The kids were a start, but you need to expose to anyone she would be uncomfortable knowing.

That being said, it is going to be difficult to rectify your situation while you are deployed so much. Is there any way that you can stay home. What is more important, your career or your family? I don't know what you are committed to, it's just something to think about.

If you are home, I would stop enabling her, such as cutting off her cell phone, securing your finances, etc. It is much easier to enforce your boundaries when you are present. I'm sure that a lot of her resentment/entitlement stems from the fact that you are away so much. If you could demonstrate that you would be home more that would be a major plan A move.

nononono, forget POJA! you are not in recovery so POJA has no relevance to your situation! You should be exposing her affair to these people! Capitan, has anyone explained exposure to you? The affair should be exposed BY YOU. NOT BY HER.

She should NEVER be given the opportunity to spin the story. You are disarming while under fire by giving her the chance to lie and spin. WHY are you doing this?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to have to chime in with Kahuna, Jim and Melody:

EXPOSE!!!!!

In fact now that you've exposed to the kids and given her first dibs on exposing to other folks you can pretty much bet she's going to start telling everyone all sorts of negative things about you and your marriage! If they believe her lies they are more likely to support her adultery instead of opposing it.

The REASON she's angry about exposure is BECAUSE she knows it can INTERFERE WITH the adultery.

BTW, how can telling the truth about somebody's activities 'trash' their reputation unless they are involving themselves in/with 'trash'?

I think you did an excellent job exposing to your kids. They deserve to know the truth. It helps them make at least a little bit of sense with what they were already noticing. I also explained to my kids a little about the reasons why adultery happens and how it changes the WS's thinking. I even told them some about the addictive nature of adultery - how it's hard for the WS to end it and to go through withdrawals. I wanted to soften the blow a little for my kids so they wouldn't take it so personally when the WS acted shamefully heartless and hurtful towards US.