Long, from the bottom of my heart, thanks. i almost missed your post because we were typing at the same time.

i'm glad i looked up.

MEDC,

Part of the issue here is that even before FL had any affairs, she felt under appreciated and even then her husband was distant. Now, if we learn anything on this site, it is that those things are no excuse, no justification for having an affair. I have heard many betrayed spouses say that they also felt that way, but THEY didn't go out and have an affair.....so my question is, if you had ever felt that way in your marriage, what, exactly, did you do about it?
Not trying to be smart here, but your answer to that may be helpful.



FL,

Why do you feel you cannot change those things you mentioned in the context of your marriage? I'm talking about the career change, and the family dynamics....when you start to think your life has been determined FOR you BY OTHER PEOPLE, then you're asking for trouble. The truth is, you are just as responsible for your life ending up where it is because you made the choice too. You simply cannot blame everyone else for dictating your life to you, because you have allowed it. This was a BIG BIG issue with me, and all it did was build up in me as anger and resentment....turns out, it was all directed at the wrong person, my sweet DH.

I am guessing that your DH wants to choose the counselor because of the experience you had with the last one? Am I remembering correctly? What do you think that means?

The reason your DH gave you as to why he married you....to say "because you had potential" is a little weird, I'll grant you that....have you ever asked him to elaborate or explain better what he meant? Sometimes, things don't come out right, maybe if you asked him to clarify, you will find it isn't at all what you think....I would certainly ask mine to explain that one, and I sure as heck would tell him how that sounds to me!

I know, just because you are here, that you really don't want to be single. If that were really true, you wouldn't be here asking for help, you would simply go and DO it. I know you have the means, and if it were really that bad, even staying married for the kids wouldn't be enough reason to stay married!

Ask your husband if he has found a counselor yet, and keep asking him until he does. And then ask him to go with you.
And if he starts to back out, do it yourself.

Love ya,
NOW

NOW, i have to take off or i'll be even later than i am now, which is already late.

he elaborated with "you seemed to have good intentions".

why don't i leave this job? DH has told me it would be irresponsible of me to leave. we need my paycheck. i've been wanting to leave for over 6 yrs now.

why don't i change the family dynamics myself? i do what i can but he undermines me. and when i call him on it, he says "sorry" but he doesn't mean it cuz nothing changes. my DD shakes her head at the way we interact and my DS takes advantage of it.

sometimes things don't come out right?? yeah, like when he told me he was not "into kissing" or when he told me "we don't need to do things together"

NOW, you are so right about one thing. I have allowed myself to have some mega anger/resentment build up here.

and yes, i am looking at myself and saying, YOU are choosing this life. do something new about it!!!

i'm getting madder and madder at myself for not allowing myself to be in a happier life. but splitting up the family for my happiness is just so WRONG!!! i don't want to do that. so here is sit, stuck and frustrated.

Long is right, I need a new plan!!! I don't want that plan to include divorce. But i do want it to include being happy.

FL, Ok...it sounds to me like your husband is saying "I thought you were different, I expected "this" from you but I got "that". Clearly, he is saying he thought he knew you, but when you had the affairs, he felt as though he never knew you.

Maybe he still feels that way, I don't know.

And when he said "I'm not into kissing" and "we don't need to do things together", was that before or after your affairs?

It sounds very much like something a BS might say.

It sounds very much like he has not come to terms with any of it. And you cannot do that for him.

He is doing what he loves to do (photography, right?)
But he sees it as irresponsible should you quit your current job to do what you would LOVE to do?
I think you could appeal to his sense of fairness on this one.

His actions undermine what you do where your kids are involved?? Are you sure about that? Kids are smarter than that. They know what's right and what's wrong. If what he's doing is wrong, trust me, they know it.

You want to be happy....then DO something about it. It is entirely possible to be happy without divorcing or breaking up your family.

Get the counseling. FOR YOU!


NOW

not into kissing, not wanting or thinking it is important to do things together was all prior.

however he is saying that all along he has been unhappy with me. in fact when we did some MC prior to the affair stuff, he complained to the MC about stuff that occured during our early dating years. I'm not kidding. one event occured withing the first 4 months. the MC seriously asked him, why did you keep dating her then and why did you marry her, we dated for 4 yrs. he had no answer then.

i think he was disappointed in what he got long before he knew anything about any affairs.

He quit his 9-5 staff photography job to go freelance many many years ago. I totally supported him with the decision. He will say now he quit so the kids would have a parent home. I don't recall that being a top reason. Not to say it was a great benefit. I recall how much he hated working for the magazine cuz he didn't like the lack of input he was allowed to give about which pictures to use and how they got cropped.

never did i think it meant i would become trapped. he does not do much to get work. to his credit he has a good amount of clients, that is due to his talent. just think what he could accomplish if he tried to find new clients. but he just takes what comes and does not worry about it. after all, we have my salary.

when i remind him i supported his career move he said that was different. A) it was really for the kids. B) at this point i am the only one with a full time job, so that makes it irresponsible. there is no appealing to his fairness. i've tried exactly what you suggested.

while driving home, i make him sound like a horrible person. seems as though as i start to talk about stuff that is bothering me, i just get more and more worked up and find more and more to talk about.

i'm sure if he posted he would have his own list about me.

i can't tell you how many times i say, i just want to become a team. he wants nothing to do with it NOW. He wants a peaceful but disconnected relationship. He has always been more comfortable that way. i am not. I'm not wired for a disconnected relationship.

but.. bottomline is, here i am and here i do want to stay so i better get my mindset more positive again.

have a good evening.

{{{FL}}}

Don't really know what to say, the bottom line is you are dissatisfied with the level of intimacy in your marriage, and if you honestly cannot continue like this, you need to take action, whether it is sitting him down and being very blunt and honest and giving him some choices, or just going and talking to a counselor by yourself who can hopefully help you sort it all out, or simply leave. A marriage most definitely takes two, and obviously things would be much easier if the two of you were on the same page and wanted the same thing...it seems like he doesn't think there is anything he has to do, he seems to think the problem is all you. Well, I disagree.

Can I ask you one last question? Why did YOU marry HIM?

Hope you're having a better day!

NOW

Hey NOW,

everything you say is true. i'm sick of whining here, and to myself.

i am having a better day. mostly cuz i couldn't stand the way i was yesterday and the only way to knock that off is to lighten up.

we almost had a problem last night regarding DS.

ok, i could regret asking this but what the heck.... if you have the time to read, i'ld be curious of yours (or anyone's) opinion.

DS comes home with some stuff from school that needs to be read and signed by student and parent. the standard list of expectations for the specific class.

so the science one says, right at the top, supplies needed: "GREEN binder". so i ask DS, do you have a GREEN binder? DS: "it doesn't matter" Me: "ok, so are you saying you don't have a green binder" DS: "Mom, it doesn't matter" Me: just looks at him DS: "no i have a blue binder. but it doesn't matter" Me: "is that your opinion or did the teacher say it doesn't matter?" DS: "it doesn't matter" Me: "Did you teacher say that or not" DS: "No he said a green binder".

ok, just getting to that point tired me out some.... maybe i need more patience...

Me "DS, if teacher asks for a green binder then that is what i want you to have, i'm not going to sign this saying i agree with all the above knowing you are not following his wish. understanding why he wants it to be green or agreeing with the fact that it should be green is not relavent. your job is to follow the instructions" all of this is said with him protesting every step of the way.

early in this fun chat, i turn to DH who is watching cubs game. DH, here is what i'm supposed to sign, it says green binder, i want him to switch to a green binder, he's fighting me, can you help?" and i hand him the sheet. he looks at it, says "It says here to have a green binder" son protests, DH does not say anything back but goes back to the game.

so i continue with the fun chat as listed above until DS gives up and goes with me to Walgreens to get a green binder.

it was not fun, i could of been more patient along the way but in the end DS finally gets the point that he better stop fighting with me and we are still on friendly speakign turn after the trip to walgreens.

i approach DH later, when DS is not around. "Honey, i really was looking for you to step in when i tried to pull you in, as the Dad. ya know strong arm of the law"

DH "you two were sqabbling about the color of a binder, i saw no reason to get involved".

to me it was not the color, it was the principle to teach, namely follow instructions.

was i being too controling??

anyway, DS came back downstairs, so DH and I had to stop talking and i left, went to our room and read a book. Now the good thing is, DH actually came up to check in with me after i was gone for a while. i was sour but then i agreed to talk and calmly told him how frustrating it was to not only have to fight with DS but then to try to pull you in and have you want nothing to do with it. "once again, i'm left on my own with no partner". that stmt seemed to get thru to him, or maybe i said it calmly enough, i don't know. but somehow i left hopeful that he not only heard me but understood and will jump in next time.

ya know, if the dog is jumping on me when i get home, overly excited to see me, DH jumps in then. to control the dog. not that i'm comparing my DS to a dog!!! lol

but aren't Dads supposed to be the dominant strict figure? I don't want to be the man of the house!!!

Fl, Hi again!

Wow, your son sounds just so....normal! LOL!
Hey, I hear what you're saying. Mostly around here, my hubby does not hesitate to step in when needed, sometimes his long arm of the law is maybe a bit TOO long, but he is different than me and I have learned to accept that. He is good about not contradicting me, so no complaints there. I do know about doing things that I "think" he needs to do, or that I feel I should not have to remind him about, more lately, actually!
I think you did good, you told him how you feel....maybe in the future he will respond better to your requests. Since he was engrossed in a game, He probably didn't know exactly what you and DS were arguing about, just maybe heard bits and pieces of your conversation, enough to know it had something to do with a green binder! I find this to be true with my DH, too, so it is helpful to start from the beginning and explain what's going on, even though that is tiring! So, maybe he thought you were doing an ample job with DS, didn't feel there was much more to add?
Either way, I have learned that it doesn't work for me to wait for my DH to do what's required....I get upset and impatient, waiting, waiting....so I figure, why not do it myself? It's mostly just little things, things he used to take the initiative to do, but lately lets things slide, or forgets, or procrastinates....I find myself getting mad, so I know then that either I do it myself or let it snowball out of control.

Oh, this probably doesn't have much to do with your sitch with DS.... but I do think you handled it well. You are going to have to be persistent, he may need frequent reminders about what you want from him, until it's clear in his head that you want these things ALL the time, not just once in a while. It's like when you're trying to teach kids to pick up after themselves or what have you, for quite a long time, you just need to keep asking, keep reminding, and be persistent. Don't be too hard on yourself for getting impatient, you are only human! Just don't back down....this is important to you, don't go telling yourself it "shouldn't" be, ok? It is what it is....and it doesn't make you any less worth while, ya know? You sort of have to teach DH to respect you more, the same way you have to teach your kids or anyone else to respect you!

Hope I have helped some what....I really think you know what to do....it's just a matter of believing you deserve better maybe. It's hard to break away from that mind set after having an affair....but you have to. You do not have to bend over backwards....DO continue to meet his needs, but also, DO take an active role in having YOURS met as well....and that means insisting to him that yours are just as important. OK?

NOW

hmmm, i think you were asking me a question...

why did I marry HIM?

yes, i have been asked the same question and understandable so. because during MC, i had my own complaints about our relationship pre-marriage. namely, he was always putting me down. and my family down... and my friends down...

we met after my first year of college, he had just graduated college. that first summer was wonderful. He was charming, he was funny. Very handsome. Tender. STABLE!!! dependable. i really really liked him. We went bowling, to carnivals, to parties with his friends. My friends were all back in college. see, i had gone back to my mom's house that summer which is where he grew up, but since i had not lived there since 8th grade, i really only had 1 person i still new from grammer school. and she is the person who set me up on the blind date with DH. So everything that first summer was centered around him, his circle of friends, his family.

then i went back to college. but i worked hard each week so every weekend i could come back "home". (about 45 min away). I had two jobs (i was paying for college myself) a full school load but still i would get everything done so i could go home to see him. I worked my butt off!!! sometimes he would come to the college and he met some of my friends, mostly he didn't like them. so mostly i went home.

during the week, i had some good friends at college. we worked on computer programs together, learned from each other. when you spend long nights trying to make a computer do what you want it to do instead of what it wanted to do, you tend to bond.

many of them men cuz there weren't many females in the program. but my best friend was a female who started to date a guy also in the computer program, who also hung with another guy also in computers. all 4 of us ended up working at the computer center as aides. we hung out together a lot.

except for the weekends, on the weekends i would go back to DH's hometown. relationship with my mom got worse, i got fed up with dealing with her issues so i would stay at DH's parents house, DH lived there too. His parents were great. His Dad especially. Totally loved me as a daughter, way better than my dad every treated me. He treated me like a princess. seriously, like a princess.

DH's mom was a critical person. not so much against me but to DH and DH's dad. i hated that. she would always find something to complain against. it was weird. she is a very nice person but at the same time, so dang critical!!! nothting was ever good enough to leave be. something always needed to be improved. Can you love someone but at the same time, really not like them very much?? that is how i felt about his mom. i felt so bad for his dad, (who remember in my eyes was a saint!!) i'm sure he was not, i'm sure there was history i didn't fully know, i guess he drank a lot at one point in their relationship and would not be home many evenings. but that was all long before my time.

man i am going on and on...

we dated like this for 4 yrs. (i went to school for 5 yrs cuz i got both a BS and an MS degree). i didn't like how much he would put down my family and friends but for the most part that was always so seperate. i could do what i wanted during the week while at college. on the weekends i wanted to be with him and so i would go there and we hung out with his family and friends. I over looked the critisms easier back then. i mean, i remember that he to, like his mom, was a critical person, even back then. but somehow it didn't bother me as much. i can only say it was cuz of the distance between us during the week. I did enjoy his company. we had a lot of fun together. i swear he was the first person i knew that was not from a disfuntional family!!!

The summer before my last yr of college, he proposed to me. I was thrilled and accepted. Even though DH would be so critical. I loved him.

so i graduated in june, planning the wedding during my last semester and in sept we married.

back up to the march prior to the wedding... that is when i strayed with the fellow student. he was the friend of my best friend's boy friend. (i bet that was easy to follow...NOT) the 4th person in that group i talked about before. we had been friends for many yrs and i did like him. and over one weeks time that all changed. i saw it coming, i saw how all of a sudden we were not looking at each other as just friends. and one night after finishing up at the computer center he walked me home and i invited him up. he was so accepting of me. he knew the disfuntional side of me, his family was so disfunctional too!! his mom had abondoned his dad and the 3 kids when he was young. and we just clicked into this comfortable zone i never felt before.

he asked, in a round about way, about waiting for him (he had one more yr to graduate) but i was on this path that was already laid out before me and i wasn't even considering the concept of not continuing down that path. so that ended that.

so there you have it, extremly unromantic if you are my DH don't ya think?

i know that and i hate that it all happened.

after i left college i didn't see the other guy except at large gatherings where DH would be there too. we slipped back into a friend only mode as quickly as we slipped into the other stuff. like it never really happened. he got serious with someone else and married her. DH and I went to their wedding. then as time went by, the college gatherings occured less and less anyway, then they moved out of state.

I was happy to be married to DH. I really was. But i did let my heart go else where for that short time and i know a piece of that other guy remained even after it was over.

That is the ONLY time my heart went else where. everything else that occured was me being a screwed up person, not any sort of bonding with someone else.

i know now how much damaged i did to DH and I's relationship by even just having a friendship with that guy in college during the yrs DH and I dated. not to mention what occured in march.

it is so hard to have something way back in the past like that. to see now, at 44, just how much damage i did back when i was about 22.

did i answer your question??

i just read your response, didn't see it before cuz i was typing that novel up there.

i am not good at being consistent. i do think that would help me. with DH and DS.

i also think i did well last night. i have to continue being calm when talking to DH. historically, i'll get frustrated and my voice gets more emotional, sometimes with anger, sometimes with sadness, both just turns DH off completely. cuz then he just hears i'm unhappy again and he gets kinda mad or maybe frustrated himself. in anycase, with all that, he does not really hear me.

so i can work on that.

NOW, i do like having things I can work on. I don't mind working at this. i just need to feel like i have things i can do that will HELP!! kwim?

Kind of what I am hearing is that you see DH as so NOT dysfunctional, and you as almost completely so. Do you think there could be some twinge of anger or resentment towards him for being, in your view "almost perfect", at least compared to how you view yourself? And did you know, I always saw MY family as dysfunctional and my DH's as nearly perfect? Turns out, that so was not the case, as there are skeletons in their closets as well. I used to feel inferior to my DH because of our family histories, and I see now that was wrong, and I feel as though I was looking to him to somehow be a father figure.
I think, from what you have written, that the men you have had inappropriate relationships with, have been a lot more like you than your DH. And it is easy to get along with those who know what you've been through, and how you feel, and I suppose that is something your DH could never do for you. KWIM? But, think about this...would you want to be married to someone like those men? I think you found in your DH the things you wish you had, the person you maybe wished to be....I don't know, I have thought this about myself and my marriage, and I think I found someone who filled in the gaps, the cracks, in me. I think temporarily, it seems that is what happens, but after a while, life gets in the way, we let things slide with each other, and suddenly we feel like we are married to a stranger. Then we start to see that they don't fill those cracks just as much as we thought! And we long for those days when it was all so easy, when we didn't have to learn to seal up those cracks ourselves.

I hope I'm making sense!

I love ya, you know...!

NOW

NOW, you are so awsome. that last post was extremely awesome.

i'm going to go cry now, thanks a lot!!! (feeble attempt at a joke)

Awww, You're awesome too!

i do think DH and his family is much less disfunctional than me and mine.

i think, especially in our early years, i was definitely drawn to him because of it.

i definitely felt (feel?) inferior to him and therefore unable to really feel comfortable. (maybe i better work on it if that is still present tense.)

DH didn't help by being so vocal about their flaws. that is where the resentment comes from.

sort of like, i can put down my family but if you do, well now i have to defend my family. cuz i really do love them, flaws and all. (talking siblings here, i mean i love my mom but not like my siblings. i dont think it would be honest of me to say i loved my dad. i was only hurt by my dad.)

If i once thought his family was perfect, i don't anymore. no one is perfect.

you said you thought you were maybe looking at him to be a father figure to him. that is interesting to hear you say. DH has told me he feels i do that too. I don't understand what he is tryting to say by that. can you expand on that at all? (when you have time).

except for the guy from college, all others were pretty much mega losers and/or mega screwed up like me. it not like i shared anything with them. like i said before, there was no emotional aspect with anyone during that whole point in life. i was self-destructing and doing nothing but hurting/degrading myself. It makes me so sick to my stomach to think of some of the stuff i agreed to. I'm not being dramatic when i say how extremely lucky i was that no one seriously hurt me. i sure made it easy if anyone wanted to. i swear i had an angle looking out for me even thru all the nasty stuff.

but i do what you mean. the comfortable feeling with the guy from college is exactly because of what you said DH could never do for me.

really relate.

i don't believe he wanted to even ever try, he wanted me to think as he did. "they are losers!!!" sorry, i won't think that of my family, not even the unstable sister, and let me tell you, i really dislike my unstable sister at this point. but i still love her. crazy huh?

i'm heading home. have a good evening NOW.

oh, here is a secret for you, cuz i'm sure only you and i are reading this, ha ha ha. i have a fun plan for tonight.

i got DH an expensive golf shirt for his b-day. cuz he wanted to buy something other than from kohl's (nothing against kohl's).

we ordered something from online, he picked it out, i just did the ordering. it's from golfsmith.

i'm picking it up on my way home. i'm going to put it on tonight, after everyone else is in bed. tell him he can have it only after he makes love to me in it.

i must admit, i've not tried this sort of a plan in forever. trick will be not to get offended/hurt/mad if he does not respond enthusastically, and i know that is a possibility. but since i'm choosing to take the risk, i'm going to have to accept any response as my doing since i'm choosing to try.

anyway, wish me luck!!!

No, not crazy at all...I do think he believes you would be better off cutting ties with them, so he is probably blaming them for the problems he sees you having, and thinks cutting them off is the answer. Shows how much experience he has in that arena, but since he never had to deal with that, well, there you have it.





Ok. I wanted RH to be like my father, and yet not like him, at the same time. I wanted him to have the qualities in my father that I liked....smart, family financial supporter, etc. And I wanted him to also make up for the qualities I felt were lacking in my father, things that I needed growing up but didn't get...things like, interested in me, praise me when I do well and not just give me negative feedback when I did wrong. I wanted RH to be the leader and not leave me to try to figure everything out for myself. I wanted him to be more affectionate than my father was, more compassionate and caring and tender. And RH was all of that. For a LONG time he was like that. I'm not sure what changed...I think RH just gradually took on more and more other responsibilities and suddenly I was that little girl again, feeling like the last thing on his list, having little or no priority in his life. And guess what? I got pissed off. I wanted RH to provide me with feelings of love and security so that I could KNOW I was lovable and worthy. I never learned how to provide that for myself and I was scared [censored] when it gradually slowed to almost nothing!
So I did the only thing I knew, and that was to allow someone else to provide me with those things...ugh.
Now I know that some women, when their fathers are less than ideal, or who had been sexually abused as children, will later turn out to be very promiscuous and self-destructive. I was kind of self-destructive, but in a non-promiscuous way, at least until that stupid affair. my sister, who had the same father as me (DUH) and was also sexually abused as I was (by my mom's half brother) was very promiscuous and more self-destructive than i was. I have no idea why or how some women go one way and others don't, but it is pretty common. Maybe she was out to prove to herself that she was really as ugly as she felt, and I was out to prove I was NOT as ugly as I felt. Either way, it didn't turn out so well.
Because we needed to find that beauty inside outselves. We didn't know that. We thought it was dependent on what men thought of us.

I hope this answers your question, and maybe helps you understand a little about yourself. You are definitely not alone in any of your experiences. And I do believe your husband is only acting from what he "knows" and believes is best for you, even if he is wrong about what exactly that is. I mean, you can only do what you KNOW, and if that turns out not so well, you learn and try something else, but you can never stop trying!
I mean, when we had our affairs, we were acting from what little we knew and our thinking was flawed and we thought we knew the truth but we didn't. How could we have done different if we didn't know there WAS something we could do different???? I know that sounds retarded, and in a way it is, but when your relationship experiences are stunted and you didn't know what you didn't know, how can you know better?
Geesh, that sounds crazy, huh? LOL!

Ok, on a lighter note, I like the sound of your plan! You can be very creative, can't you?



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hope your evening is splendid....it'll give a whole new meaning to the word "fore-play" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


NOW

the clerk at the store put a small hole in the shirt as he openned the package. A new shirt will be delivered sometime next week.

i'll keep the idea, just postponed for now.

hope your evening was nice.

p.s. your play on words was extremely ammusing!!!

FLT2H,

On a more concrete note, you've used several phrases that make me wonder if perhaps you have depression. If you feel like this most of the time, you might want to have it checked out.

Ok Dobie, time to respond to you.

i did read your post this morning.

unfortunately i had a long response that i just finished but it got lost with IE problems.

lets see if i can do this again. might end up shorter, might be a blessing to you!!

yes, i know I struggle with depression, i try to manage it on my own these days by forcing the logical side of my bread to step up when my emotional side is not doing well.

i do have strings of days when a dark cloud enters my head (that is the best way to describe it) and makes it hard for me to function. sometimes i think it is due to something that happens, but sometimes i can't find anything to blame it on so i've had to admit to myself it's not fair to ever blame it on anything other than i have a problem with depression.

best i can do these days is to warn my DH that i'm struggling today and to please go easy on me. that i will not turn any of it on him if he would help by just going easy on me. sometimes that helps, sometimes the message does not seem to get thru to him and he almost seems to push me into fights.

i find if i can distract myself by jumping into a difficult issue at work (there are enough of them here!!) that i can sometimes push the cloud out. but sometimes i just cannot focus enough to get myself able to work on any easy issue let alone a difficult one.

i used to think it as odd that i would do suduku puzzles to relax, especially since i tend to do the harder ones. but now i realize the only way i can relax is to make the emotional side of my brain quiet down, which only happens if i over use the mental side of my brain.

i was on meds twice. Once in 2001, after my dad died and i was on a medical leave of absense from work. shortly after going back to work (pre-maturely if you ask me) i talked my way off the meds cuz i really hated the Dr. Dr could not force me to continue, DH didn't protest. So i stopped.

of course right after that is when i started to put myself in such bad situations with men from chat rooms... and the long run of self-destruction began.

I confesed in march of 2004, started IC and she pushed me (along with some folks here) into going to my general Dr to get back on meds.

In summer of 2006, after accidentally burning some posin ivy, i had a terrible reaction all over my body. i was given steriods which my body didn't like either and although the posin ivy issue finally got under control i was left with an outbreak of skin issue, mostly my face.

the dermatologist said the steriod treatment was not good, incorrectly dosed. and said we needed to wait a while to get clear it all out. i decided that i'ld really love to be back on NOTHING and so after talking to my general Dr, we agreed to have me come off the meds too.

I had been on it for 2 yrs, she had never wanted me on it long term anyway as she also knew what was going on with DH and I (i had told her so she had the big picture). She figured the depression was more situational then a long-term problem. And certainly she was right. The specific situation did make the depression much much worse.

anyway been off since then and trying to manage things on my own.

one other thing. i knew this guy at work, i had interacted with him a few yrs before he died. his wife also works here and i was working with her on a day to day basis when this happened. he committed suicide. She felt it was because of adjusting that was occuring with meds.

meds scare me.

What have you been doing for fun lately, FLL?

When is the last time you had a really good laugh?

What makes your feet want to get up and dance?

When is the last time you felt like jumping up and howling at the moon?

I don't like meds either, and I won't take them again, but I know what makes me feel happy inside and I make sure I do them every chance I get.

There is music that can take me from feeling sad to a place of absolute joy.

There are recipe's I haven't tried yet, whole foods markets I haven't visited yet.

Funny movies I have seen yet.

And then, there are all of you.

FLL, ya gotta get to know yourself, and what can lift you up. Has nothing to do with DH, children or anyone else. It's inside of you and you have to learn to tap into it at will.

What do you love?