Yeah, I did, and thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had a big long response written up, but it most definately was not anything cheerful or hopeful, so I decided to hit the cancel on it hehe. Cliff notes version is that it is difficult for me to be super happy about a newborn at this particular point in life -- more responsibility, W and I have like 30 mins a day for each other, first son was the start of our drift apart 4 years ago . . .

But, I am getting pretty close to the point where I am tired of letting myself get frozen by fear. This isn't the life I want, not by a long shot. Time to do something about it. I always like to have my mind totally made up and be fairly convinced of the outcome before I act, and, well, that just ain't gonna work this time around. I'm not going to know if I can have the relationship I want with my W until I actually try, and I would hate myself if I ever had any doubt that I gave it my all before giving up.

Stupid depression tainting thoughts and outlook (yeah, I am being treated for it).

I'm sure lack of sleep comes into play, too...it can have a tremendous impact on your outlook and mood. I like to remind myself: "This too, shall pass!"

NOW

well you are ahead of me. i refuse to get treated anymore. I'm stubbornly saying i can manage it on my own!!!

hope - i must have at somepoint just decided to stop. i don't know.

long, don't ever NOT post just becuase it is not all up-beat.

i just can't relate to the baby thing. my "babies" (DD 17 and DS 13) are (no words to describe) but there is no life without them. especially my DD.

ya know, i really think part of all this i am going thru right now might be due to the fact that this is her last year with us. i just can't envision life without DD in her bedroom in my house everything. she is my best friend. seriously. and lately, in a different way. she has always been old for her age and now it's like she is 20 and the mom/daughter thing has transformed to woman to woman. and it is great but it just makes the fact that she will be gone off to college soon that much harder to face.

I'm extremly happy for her, but the hole she will leave, it's gonna be big.

I can relate to that, FL....my oldest just started her second year in College, and it is hard, very hard, to let go. yesterday I HAD to call her and complain about some tenant problems we are having. There are so many ways these days to keep in touch...instant messaging, cell phone, email...all of which we didn't have when I was in college! But, it can't replace her presence.

Every body past the age of realizing that they are not the main character in a fairy tale, struggles with hope.

But you know, like Kimmy says, you gotta keep reaching out for it. And once you have grabbed ahold of it's tail again, hold on, because hope is energy. Pure energy that will catapult you into action.

Sometimes, you really have to create your own hope.

And now I'm really off for the weekend. Kimmy, I want to read your blog, and I just saw that, but it'll be next week. Is there a recipe for beer on there? Good dark beer?

FL,

I'm chiming in with the KLove recommendation. You know what? Even out here in cyberspace, when we tune in, we all would be hearing the same song, at the same time...everywhere. Something shared...like hope.

Know hope...it is contained within God's design...humans can only live in the present. This one second. There is no rewind or fast forward. God thought it was okay to not know the next second...for a reason. And not be able to change one single second passed.

I'm good with his design. I choose to know defacto hope...the eternal kind...because it's part of love, FL...the stuff we're made of and from.

Please read the link in my sigline. Like love, happiness and a lot of stuff in our lives, you get to choose your perspective. Choose to stop seeing your DH as your enemy...or the enemy of your happiness...or anyone, for that matter. You are already teammates. Only you can embrace that reality and act from it.

Solely choice.

Blessed, marvelous, relentless choice.

You got the tools...no doubt...to heal, thrive and change all your old patterns (to create and maintain resentment, to compare, judge, despair, contrive to survive, to choose to take what isn't yours...emotionally thievery...which can feel like thin skin...something not in your control when it is) and make new choices repeatedly, into new patterns.

How do I know? 'Cuz I had those patterns. I THOUGHT they were who I was...that God created me that way...until I got how much God respected me...that he designed choice into everything about me...and what I was choosing was to think, believe that way...to react to my emotions, instead of choosing to act from my beliefs.

Decades of built-in permissions...right under my own radar. Changing those changed my marriage into a team (because it already was), and I couldn't get from back there to here without getting to the heart of my patterns...which were at the center of my wayward mindset...and change it by choice, through awareness, and my intent to be fully myself...the one made from love and loving hands...

when all my life, I'd chosen to act from fear.

Out of our element, FL. Worlds change when we do. I promise.

You can do this. Wouldn't a whole-life lesson take a lot longer, be a lot more complicated, than a simple one? Which is why recovery is hard, rough, soft and fulfilling, all at the same time. I believe we come to life-long lessons in it.

Worth the trip.

LA

LA,

Fantastic post. Gonna copy and paste that one so I can save it.

Now, to believe it and practice it . . .

>Every body past the age of realizing that they are not the main character in a fairy tale,

Um, ******-ooooo!

Being the main character is a matter of perception, thank you berry much!

(places a tiara on Weav's head)

LA,

yeah i have really like K-Love. I'm so bummed it is gone from my area. Yes i can listen to it on the internet but at my job, can't always do that. Where I listened the most was in my car, no internet there.

everything else you said: you make it sound sooooo easy!!!!! why do i make it so hard???

Dealan-de, bring one over here too!!

Free Tiaras!

It's sparkly Friday!

i look soooo pretty!!!!!

Oh, FL...KLove gone from your area?

Whaaaaa?

I can help mount a protest...they listen, ya know.

You guys could get it back. I'm sure of it.

And I have a built-in tiara...my white/gray-hair crowns my hair like one...reminds me to look into getting that cool blue tint.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
LW...we do know this road...really, you aren't alone, crazy or bad. I swear.

And when you choose to hope...consider...life is now as I could not have imagined...didn't imagine because it was inconceivable to me from my life-long patterns. The best is yet to come. Because...

We are not who we were...we know more because we seek it now, to be our own cause, control and cure...not of others...of ourselves. And because we know what we didn't, we are different. When we know better, we do better.

When we stop struggling to change others, our futures or our pasts...we truly change ourselves.

LA