Well, for the past few weeks, I've been having trouble dealing with the sadness I feel over my H's cheating and feeling that he hasn't told me the whole truth.<P>Saturday, we went to Sam's to buy a new tire for my truck. I stopped by the jewelry counter while H went to the restroom. He came back and asked me what I was looking at. I told him that I was looking at rings; he said, "Well, how about looking at tires?"<BR>That was enough to bring tears, but I hid them from him and said nothing more. On our way back, we picked up a Christmas gift for our granddaughter, and when we got back to the jewelry counter, he did ask me which rings I was looking at. (Maybe he isn't totally insensitive after all!) I showed him two sets--one of which is similar in design to the set I've already picked out, but about half the size. I've just about conceded that I'm going to have to settle (for the umpteen-millionth time in our marriage) for something less than what I really want, or else he'll never do what I really want him to do. I want (and he knows this) him to propose to me all over again, give me a new engagement ring, and go through a whole new wedding. However, if I hold on to my dream of having a <B>really</B> nice set of rings, that may never happen. At any rate, it would be a very long time before he could afford the rings I like--although I've hinted at the lay-a-way plan. I've been thinking about why it's so important to me that the rings be so big (carats total weight). I guess it's because:<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> I feel that if H is willing to spend that much money to please me, it would be a sign that he really does love me (he's always been a tightwad when it comes to something besides his "toys". He hates spending money on things that <B>he</B> doesn't care about.<P><LI>I want something that will knock Cafe Woman's eyeballs out--show her that my H loves <B>ME</B> and is committed to me and not her.</OL><P>I feel selfish in wanting him to spend so much on me. I don't <B>think</B> I'm trying to punish him, but I can see where he might think I am. So...I'm going to look for a less expensive set that might have the desire results for me.<P>Another reason that I felt so blue on Saturday is because I don't think my H wants to recommit to me at all. He doesn't seem to understand that he BROKE his original committment to me and that I NEED a new one. I kept hearing his response to me last fall when I told him that I wanted us to renew our marriage vows. I just feel like he thinks the whole idea is a crock of s***, and that he's not going through with it unless he <B>has</B> to do it. I told him in our counseling session that I didn't want him to do it because he had to, but because he wants to. So, have I painted myself into a corner? Is he thinking that he will never have to do this because he doesn't want to do it? The problem is that I <B>need</B> him to recommit to me, and I don't think I will be able to go through the rest of my life with him not doing it. But, if I tell him this, he will probably feel "forced" into it. It's six of one and half a dozen of the other.<P> The only thing I can think of to do is to go about planning our new wedding as if it is a done deal. Not so far as to set the whole thing up, but by buying or making the dress I want to get remarried in and starting to put together the "frills"--flower girl basket, decorations, etc.<P> I just don't know if doing all this stuff will make him feel like I'm forcing him into it or not. But, I guess that if he doesn't really want to do it, he probably won't have any problem with saying so. I do know that if he does out-right refuse to make a public recommittment to me within the next year or so, I will be through with this marriage--even though I love him with all my heart. I already feel like I'm sleeping with a man who is not really married to me.<P>Does anybody else feel this way?<P>Today, though, was a good day. Our son and his three children were over for most of the day, and H suggested that we go on a picnic and take the kid fishing. So, I hustled around and fixed a nice picnic lunch, and we went to the local state park. Our daughter and other grandson joined us later in the afternoon. The kids had a ball playing in the playground and going fishing. They were all so good--absolutely no problem at all!<P>H and I both enjoyed the day, too.<P>[This message has been edited by Sweetpea (edited October 11, 1999).]<P>[This message has been edited by Sweetpea (edited October 11, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Sweetpea (edited October 11, 1999).]

Sweetpea, I know exactly how you feel. I asked my H for the same deal -- remarriage, new rings, the lot. Know what he said? "If you need that to get you over this, I'll do it".<P>Really makes you feel like they want to as well, doesn't it?

Last year, when I told my H that I wanted to renew our vows for our 30th anniversary (next June), he said, "S***!" (dragging it out into two syllables, as only a southern man can do.) <P>At the counselors', when she asked him if he would have a problem with doing this, he did say, "No, it wouldn't be a problem."<P>At one point last year, when I brought it up again, I did tell him that if he didn't want to renew our vows on our anniversary, I guess we could throw one helluva divorce party.<P>Now, I don't want to "renew" our vows. I want a whole new wedding--including a new anniversary date, since he never cared about celebrating the old one after the first couple of years, anyway.

I heard a little tidbit during church service this past weekend.<P>It was our annual assembly where all churches come together to worship and discuss church business.<P>The subject came up about a church that our assembly had closed down, but now new members from that area were wishing to attend. Our lead minister asked if everyone thought that the church should be reopened and a new pastor sent or should he go up there and reorganize the church "from the ground up". It was voted unanimously (sp) to keep existing church as is because " I know the Men of God that set that church in order and the Spirit they carried"<P>Another tidbit a minister had left the church and had come back into fellowship and was asked if he wanted to be re-instated as a minister or re-ordained. Same result. Consensus was that no one could do better what had already been done in the eyes of God.<P>Just something to think about. Why throw away what God has created? If it doesn't work out then maybe God didn't intend for it to in the first place.<P>Prayers be with you.

Paul,<BR> I think you're telling me not to worry about going through a new wedding ceremony--that we should just rebuild the marriage we began almost 30 years ago.<P> The problem is that my H broke his committment to me and has lied to me for over 13 years, if not longer. I feel that he is <B>still</B> not telling me the whole truth. Our marriage has been one big lie for the last 13 years. I knew he had cheated and have gone through 13 years of hell on top of the other terrible griefs we went through.<P> I also don't feel that my H really understands the importance of our vows--that he thinks sex is just a recreational activity and if he got it from someone else, I shouldn't be so bent out of shape. I need to <B>KNOW</B> that he is willing to recommit to me--that he understands the seriousness of marriage vows. I can no longer say, when asked, "We've been married for 29 years." I just say, "We got married in 1970."<P>It's so strange for me to feel that although <B>I've</B> been married for 29 years and have not broken my vows to him, <B>he</B> is <B>no longer</B> married to me because he chose to disregard the vows he made to me. It's as if we are only still married due to a legal technicality called a marriage license. I feel like I'm just shacked up with a man who feels no moral obligation and who doesn't love me enough to want to remarry me.<P>Does that make sense?

I'm not saying anything as far as what you should do, just giving you something to think about.<P>If you do not feel that when the vows were originally said that God had not been part of that cerimony or that you/he has strayed from that covenant, then do as you feel and redo the cerimony. Just remember, if it's still not right in His eyes then nothing will be different.

Thanks, Paul, for explaining.<P>We were married in a church ceremony, but my H has not kept himself only unto me. I need him to make that vow again and <B>keep</B> it for the rest of our lives.