It's been 8 months of agony since i found out abour my WW's A. There has been no contact that I know of since January and I've been watching closely. Until, the OM sent out what looked like a mass emailing to update his files and my WW was evidently still on his old contact list....the following is what my ww wrote back.

got your Plaxo e-mail update, so sad not to see your great smile on that photo. Hope you are well. Summer has flown but am more than ready for my boys to be back in school. Structure and focus are necessary, too much idle time leads to trouble. EEEKKKKKK I am headed to Sedona for a week on Saturday. Some good R and R time. I wish I could have seen you when I was out, however your words left a bit of a sour taste with me and my own stubbornness wouldn't allow me to go there. I still hold a piece of you deep in my heart and I am not sure that that will ever go away. You know how to reach me if you so desire. maybe while I am in Sedona, I will write, it's always good therapy, and maybe, just maybe, some day you will be able to tell me how you really feel, however, maybe we were simpy "a run" for you! Ok, so, take care of yourself, and maybe think about changing that photo to one that shows your great smile and those eyes that I so love.

OUCH.....heartbreak again. I called her out on it and she said she would not contacted him had he not sent out this mass email update request. I told her she broke the rule of no contact, is still lying and cheating, which angered her greatly.

She suggested we go back to counseling with someone new which I will take as a possitive step.

Can someone that's sane help me with this. Every time I think she's coming out of the fog, there's always a step backwards.

I would get back to counseling. Your wife doesn't seem to get it. How does she treat you other than rubbing the OM in your face?

HH, I do think you should get into counseling,but this time try Steve Harley. Because unless you have a solid plan of recovery, this will keep happening. Steve is the best, IMO, and he won't waste a minute of your time.

Did your wife send the OM a no contact letter? Have you seen the sample in Surviving an Affair?

Harry, here is an article that outlines what it will take to recover: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Unfortunately, I don't receive the treatment that the OM recieves. I did before the A, which is the biggest problem for me...things were better than they had ever been.

Melody....thanks! We got through about 6 sessions with a Phd/counselor in the early stages and then found out he was out of network and cost us nearly a grand, which was a big setback. I know I can't put a price on our marriage and respect MB alot. I try to get my wife to read some of the philosophies.....and all she said was....15 hours a week????? There's no way we can find 15 hours.....which is mostly true with jobs, kids, school, etc. We are going to try going through company EAP which is no cost to us. I hope the old "you get what you pay for" is not true in this case!

My ex and I went to our company EAP, which was FREE!!!! We went for many sessions while he continued the affair and lied to the counselor. He ended up spending our retirement savings, his retirement bonus, and every dime he could find on the OW. We ended up divorced.

The Harleys are expensive - $185.00 an hour, but they cut to the chase, don't accept BS, and get you on a plan for recovery. I would invest in at least a couple of sessions.

Your wife seems to be pretty unrepentent, and right now YOU may be the worse threat to your marriage, because I promise you will get tired of it.

You CAN find 15 hours a week if you put your priorities right.

HH, I hate to tell you this, but most marriage counselors are dismal failures, as you have already experienced.

They have the highest failure rate [84%] of any of the counseling disciplines because they do not understand infidelity and are not pro-marriage. Many are divorced themselves and just cause more harm than good. We have had people come on this forum whose "marriage counselor" was helping them facilitate an amicable divorce when the marriage could have been easily saved.

Just beware of what you think you are getting for free. You might be better off just calling Dr. Harley on his radio show and asking him what he thinks about your situation. It is free and he will send you a free book for the call.

The counselor I went to told me to appease my ex's desires to divorce amicably. He said that if I played the game by her rules that I would get what I wanted in the end and get my marriage back.

He couldn't have been more wrong. The advice on these forums is the right one. Tough love is the only solution.

Strength is respected a lot more than appeasement.

Where am I now? Divorced with very few of my possessions while my ex is shacked up with another guy that looks just like me and who gets to enjoy my kids while sitting on the couch I paid for, watching the TV I paid for, and screwing my ex on the bed I paid for that I slept on for 5 years.

Goes to show what appeasement will get you.

Don't fall into that trap and get on any counselor who doesn't follow the MB philosophy. Find a new one if they don't.