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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
What Are Plan A and Plan B? by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair. Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward resolving the issue of thoughtlessness. entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 57
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 57 |
ML, I have been carrying around Pepperband's carrot and stick w/ me for reference for some time now...good stuff! Suffice it to say that the basic principle, as I understand it (given that Harley's concepts are guidelines, rather than hard and fast rules) is that BS shows that he/she is a "safe place to fall", an "oasis", preferable to some possible alternative, while simultaneously NOT enabling, condoning or accepting the A. FLTH, your story really hit a chord! It sounds like my WW to a T, even though I didn't realize it until you said it! Wow. I guess I should try to be less "perfect"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, more fallible, more accepting (but NOT of A), and more comfortable. All good things, no?
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087 |
Hey Capitan!
You're getting some great advice here... Looks like I ruffled some feathers.
I DID mean for my previous comment to sound a bit flippant... Your original question is based on the fact that your WW is STILL in contact with the OM and has NOT ended the A.
Until she sends a NC letter and is in NC for a period of time, you can't reason with her... you can't even really hold a 'rational' discussion because she's still fogged out.
I understand your desire to not want to "miss" an opportunity to meet her needs for conversation, but for now, your #1 goal is to end the A...
When we first started MC in 20001, Mrs. RIF started blaming me for all of her A's... I was controlling, I was always in the field, I was this, I was that, blah blah blah...
Until she finally realized that SHE was 100% responsible for her multiple A's, there was nothing that I could say or do that would change her line of thinking. Thankfully, our MC helped guide her and she soon realized that even though we had "issues" with our M, it was her decision to have the A's...
FLT2M - I'm sorry if I upset you with my comments, but until Capitan's W ends the A and starts NC and maintains it for a period of time, then any discussions about how "bad" he was in the past are just babble and it does no good for a BH to beat himself up over the past... the goal is to end the A.
Semper Fi,
RIF
Me, BS
Her, Forgiven
Married Dec 86
Multiple A's that ended '90
Rebuilding In Faith since then...
Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,416
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,416 |
Captain, I am sorry to you for not refraining to just sharing with you my experience and leaving it at that. I do hope your WW gets to a point of NC and starts to rebuild your marriage with you. My situation is different. My DH not know i was cheating at the time it was occuring. He only knew I wanted a divorce.
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