After returning from a business trip last week, I found that my W's behavior was off. She would alternate between being ultra-affectionate and being withdrawn. I knew something was up, but it took me a while to learn from email records that she had invited another man to our house in my absence.

After confronting my W about this, she told me:
1. They had met at her previous job (she works elsewhere now) 2-3 months ago, and had spent a lot of time talking.
2. In the last couple of weeks, they would meet around town for coffee/conversation while I thought she was out running errands or the like.
3. She had viewed their relationship as a just friends relationship (but clearly the secrecy indicates that she knew I wouldn't approve).
4. When he had come over while I was out of town, he tried to make a move on her, and she asked him to leave.

Based on the emails I found, call histories, etc, I feel like she is most likely telling the truth about all of this although I have to believe there's some degree of minimization going on. It was clear from the email that the OM was angry with her the day after the invitation to come to the house. I don't know that there's any way to be certain what happened aside from her word.

After I found out, she agreed immediately to NC, and sent the OM an email asking him to cease all contact. We spent last night trying to start analyzing and recommitting to our marriage and to meeting each other's ENs.

I feel like I found out just in time to avert disaster, and that we have a good chance of rebuilding. This is not the first A that my W has had though - the last being a very serious PA that almost destroyed our marriage. It took 3 years to rebuild from that, and I freely admit that in the last 4 or 5 months I have not invested the necessary time in meeting all of her ENs, and want to be successful in doing so moving forward.

Any and all advice is appreciated. MB helped me a great deal in coping with the previous A, but this is my first post.

In particular I'm looking for advice around:
1. Dealing w/ the betrayal. How can I feel comfortable that she's going where she says shes going? How do I handle the next out of town business trip I have to take?

2. Keeping focus on meeting her ENs. I have periods where I excel at this, but I tend to lose focus, and dont want to have to be "woken up" to be able to consistently meet her needs.

3. Handling the short term. How much space do I give her now? Would your collective experience suggest that she'd be ready so soon to be receptive to my efforts to meet her ENs?

==========================
BS (Me) - 29
WS - 27
Married 5/16/2004 (6 year courtship)
D-Day (EA) : 8/29/2007
NC Agreed to : 8/29/2007
==========================

"In particular I'm looking for advice around:"

First of all find out more about this OM and EXPOSE to his wife/girlfriend/relatives/coworkers AND to you and your wife's friends/family!

"1. Dealing w/ the betrayal. How can I feel comfortable that she's going where she says shes going? How do I handle the next out of town business trip I have to take?"

Your wife seems to have the serial adulterer tendencies. I've read that spouses should go on business trips together in general, but especially if one of the spouses is an
adulterer.

"2. Keeping focus on meeting her ENs. I have periods where I excel at this, but I tend to lose focus, and dont want to have to be "woken up" to be able to consistently meet her needs."

It is her responsibility to give you feedback on this. There's no such thing as an unmet need being too minor to mention to your spouse... but so major that it 'causes' adultery. I wouldn't worry so much about this if I were you. The real problem is your WS's tendency to exploit your meremortalness in order to feel entitled to adultery.

"3. Handling the short term. How much space do I give her now?"

ZERO She didn't confess this to you - you found out. Invest in some keylogger software, EXPOSE to others what your wife is up to, check her cellphone records, etc.

"Would your collective experience suggest that she'd be ready so soon to be receptive to my efforts to meet her ENs?"

Doubtful. IMHO the major reason WS's don't simply inform their BS's about their unmet needs is because they plan on using the unmet needs as an excuse. Again the real issue is not your WW's unmet needs but her adulterous tendencies. I'm not saying you don't work to identify and meet those needs as part of Plan A (and marriage in general) but don't expect too much effectiveness from that alone.

IMHO you need to expose this ASAP - not just the fact that WW is currently involved with an OM but also that she has a serial adultery problem.

You should never feel comfortable she is going where she says she is going because she is UNTRUSTWORTHY. As you can see, you have made a HUGE MISTAKE by blindly trusting her.

You should never spend the night away from her again. If you have to go on a business trip, I would take her or not go.


Y'all need to get into some serious counseling to find out why she is a serial cheater so she can learn to change. Otherwise, the next time you don't meet her needs in a perfect manner, she will cheat. This is much more than a matter of unmet needs, she is a serial cheater.


NONE. You should never spend the night away from her again. You should know where she is every waking moment. She should account for every minute of her time and stop going out without you. All leisure activities should be done together. She should give you her cell phone password, all voicemail passwords, cell phone bill, bank account records, etc. You should have access to everything.

I hope that you are using birth control, Kane, because it would be a crime to drag an innocent child into this mess.

Dr. Harley: When a couple spend their leisure-time away from each other, it is not only a breeding ground for an affair, but it can also be another clue to an affair. That's especially true when a spouse doesn't want the other to be present at their favorite activity. I counseled a man who went fishing every summer for a week with his friends, wives not invited. But they did invite a secretary from work who cooked their meals (and had sex with them all) during the trip.

Anything that takes one spouse away from the other overnight is an invitation for an affair. But when an opposite-sex co-worker tends to join a spouse on business trips, red flags should be flying in all directions. Any evidence that this relationship is anything more than pure business is, from my perspective, a gigantic clue that an affair might be in progress. That's also the case if a spouse and opposite-sex co-worker spend a great deal of time working together.


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Entire article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

You need to take a hard line this time and ACTUALLY FIX your marriage this time. This includes no overnights stays without each other, MC and/or IC, and full openness and honesty along with complete accounting for time. Your WW is a SERIAL CHEATER, and until she gets FIXED, you need to watch her like a hawk. Therefore, she should be allowed NO OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDS. NONE. After IC and MC if she has sorted through her problems, then MAYBE you can SORT OF trust her again, but not enough to stay the night away from her. I believe that MC should be a necessary CONDITION of staying married to you. I would also make her confess her affairs to her family so she has more people watching her and holding her accountable.

Thanks meremortal, MelodyLane, Jim, for the quick responses, I'm definately taking your words to heart. In particular :

She is starting counseling tomorrow. This has made me optimistic, as it was she who initiated the counseling, even prior to me finding out about the OM. We also decided to start marriage counseling. Generally, I'm happy about this, but being my first time, I'm concerned about finding a good counselor.

She has given me her cell phone, and I have access to her email, voicemail, phone records, bank records etc. For the forseeable future, we will be together more or less every waking moment, aside from work hours. The one hole here is lunch time, for which she has 100 minutes and I have only 60.

I agree with those of you who posted that the underlying problem is her need for external attention, and certainly my lack of meeting any particular need is no excuse for the A. I do plan to follow plan A, though, and try to make the marriage something that is as affair proof as possible. Its either that, or I leave, and I still really care about her too much to leave.

I'm going to have to think of a strategy in terms of exposing the A - in all honesty, a part of me wants to avoid it, although I know you are all right in that it is the necessary and right thing to do.

Traveling I can see is going to be the other real challenge for me. I'm going to think long and hard about how we can clear that hurdle. What would you all think of a situation where she stayed with her parents while I travelled, in the case that we could not arrange for her to travel with me?

Thanks again for the advice, and wish me luck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

==========================
BS (Me) - 29
WS - 27
Married 5/16/2004 (6 year courtship)
D-Day (EA) : 8/29/2007
NC Agreed to : 8/29/2007
==========================

Kane,

I couldn't disagree more with the advice that you have been given.

AS others have stated your WW is a serial adulterer. SHE WILL NOT BE CURED OR COMMITTED TO YOUR MARRIAGE BY ANYTHING THAT YOU DO,SAY, OR WANT. This woman is married in name only and YOU have to acknowledge that fact.

Sit her down , look her in the eye and tell her you are letting her go so that she can accomplish what she has spent years doing....destroying your marriage. If she wants a marriage, SHE will have to do 99% of the effort.

Your wife holds you in contempt. Playing the marriage policeman won't stop her screwing around on you. You showing self respect will.

If it doesn't work, you have lost nothing.

Best of luck.