HI I figured I would move and start a thread over here...
I am bach to try my hand at dating it is very frustrating and highy overrated... maybe I can get soome tips on hoew to be effective...

Jim

Welcome!

Are you doing online dating?
Gals you've met somewhere?

Where do you think its going badly?

Yes I am online,

I personally feel it is a rat race, reminds me of when I was a navy recuriter. a Pure numbers game...

Have some intresting stats and observations.

There is a noticable cycle to the online dating game Sun Mon Tue appear to be the big prospecting days (emails and winks go out) Wens thru Firday are meeting days, seems if you don't have something locked down by thurs your pretty much dead meat for that cycle.

It seems meeting inside 3-4 days is pretty realibable, for me 93% of the gals show up, after 7 days however you going to be stood up/blown off canceled on etc. The meeting rate past the first week drops to like 7%... I have meet about 18 people over the past 4 months, 16 of those 18 were in the 7 day window. Only 2 happed past that window, allmost every arrangment past 7 days is a no show.

I have a thorey the "A" list is meet stright away, with the "B" list kept in reserve ("AKA To BUSY to meet now but next week...") anyone not met in the first 7 days is on the B list, the Problem is come monday there is a new A list. Basically they are hot or their not.


Jim

Well I'm just venturing into the dating game too - quite unexpectedly - I wasn't looking. But I've met a very nice man through a mutual hobby.

I don't think I'd like to try online dating - I'm sure there are success stories but from what I've seen with people I know (including my XH) - there's a heck of a lot of golddiggers out there - male as well as female.

I met my new friend geocaching. We live in the same area, and we both play the game (the geocaching, not the dating game!). We met face to face for the first time at a group event that we both happened to attend. Before that we'd exchanged a few emails through the geocaching website, for clues and hints while playing the game itself.

Who'd have thunk?

JinGA

Wow I never thought of geo caching as a place to catch I mean meet someone!!!!

I don't know how to do the gps part of it I always drive and my brother does the gps part.

Will have to play with the gps and see if I can't figure it out, I live in a beautiful area of the country and I know that there are lots of geo sites out there.

Dawn

Hi Jim,

I have been dating BF for about 5 months. We met online and I guess you could say that he started out on the B list. He wasn't the best looking, or the most sucessful, and I questioned whether his profile was fake (plays viola and runs triathons). Still I was curious enough to send a response and he kept emailing me just enough so that he didn't drop off my radar. I couldn't put my finger on it but something interested me enough to keep him on my list. After having several "A" listers turn out to be duds, I decided to meet him. Within a few weeks, we both removed our profiles and have been exclusive ever since.

You know, I always turned down the quick meeting invites. I would email for about a week, talk on the phone at least once, then agree to meet. I wasn't looking for any old date for Saturday night.

You do have to be careful, and most of the people won't work out. BUT, when they don't work out there's no awkwardness since you probably will never see them again. Also, there's a good chance you'll meet someone with whom you are compatible if you persist.

A big question is whether you're ready for the process. It was only a year ago you first discovered the affair. That's not very long ago. You may be a little fragile now, and you may not want to deal with the rejection or the superficiality involved in the dating scene. Just a thought.

Are you Ever ready for the process... To me it is like falling off a horse you need to face your fear and get back on...

I cannot tell if your male or female. I do know males generally out number females something like 10:1 or more.

What I have found is it works basically like this. The people who are intrested tend to act intrested so the emailing to chatting to talking to meeting moves smartly along. not that there isn;t execptions, but even the execptions act intrested.

Those unintrested act unintrested they lolly gag around, take their good old sweet time answering emails, are always too busy to chat, or meet and in generial are simply a waste of time and effort.

I'm one of those people who doesnt' have the time to chat or e-mail. And while I don't think I am a waste of time, I took myself off the sites because my time and my children are more important to me than dating right now.

Newly I complement you for that! I have spoken to severial ladys who are very wrapped in their Kids... why do they advertise to date they frankly don't have time...

Ok before I get flamed, I like kids! But as Dr harley says it takes 15 hrs undivided attention. if not you wont be dating long... If the person can't give 15 hours it is a waste of time and we all have experienced where not having EN met leads...

Don;t ever want another of those t-shirts!

Jim

Jim,
To answer your question about why ladies advertise to date but do not have the time...

Perhaps they are/were like me. I did MB from Mar 06 with the Plans etc. Separated Oct 06 and officially divorced Jun 07. Moved across country in Jun and have been sole custodian of my 3 kiddos. I have been longing for companionship but am with my kids 24/7. I have no family around me and pay for childcare to facilitate my work so not much $ left over for babysitting for adult time and honestly next to no adult time to be had.

I tried the online thing and moved from the online chat to IM chat to phone calls and then met after a few weeks. My profile clearly stated I had very little time and I was all about my kids. I advertised that I wanted the infrequent episodes of adult time to be high quality but stressed they would be infrequent.

Met online gentleman had wonderful time but began feeling uncomfortable, claustraphobic and anxious as he was asking "where do we go from here" wanting to get our kids together and do "family" type activities etc. I was very clear that I did not want any man meeting my children until I was sure that a relationship was going to be serious and longterm...to me that would be dating close to a year.

I ended up telling this wonderful but extremely enthusiastic man that I was not ready for the dating scene and I prematurely entered it. He suggested we just be friends and after some convincing I conceded...this lasted less than one week b/c I could not keep up with the texting and phone calls...too much, too soon. I realized that I was no where ready to dedicate the amount of time expected to any relationship outside taking care of my children.

I only wanted some adult companionship, dinner once or twice a month with an adult. An occassional conversation etc. Apparently there is no category for just testing the waters or easing back into adult socialization. It stinks b/c it is not that I do not want those things it is that my priority in life right now is taking care of my children.

I learned a ton from this experience though. I am now scheduling adult time regardless of what I do so that my kids get used to mom having adult time twice a month. I have set new boundaries with the kids as far as my privacy and "mom time". I think with all of the drama and trauma of divorce the custodial parent and children kind of glue together for self-preservation which is a bit unnatural outside of those circumstances...as time passes and we begin to heal we need to start loosening the glue to reclaim ourselves and our identities.

Anyway, JMHO

2much

Hi 2much, nice to hear from you. You sound busy.

I suppose I'm guilty of seeking dating by being on a dating site though I could take it or leave it and I'm pretty maxed out for time too.

About 2 years ago Chemistry offered my one year for free so I took it. I was on other sites as well. I have since dropped all dating sites except for Chemistry, they still give it to me free. I've just started grad. school, I have a pottery business (limited), I work (not full time, I'm fortunate) and I have three boys. My time for devoting to a relationship is limited. If I meet someone and we develop an interest in each other I imagine I'll find some time.

You're right about there being no category for in between dating and a casual friendship. Not on dating sites anyway. And that's probably as it should be, after all they are dating sites. You know what you may have better luck with is groups based around something you like. They're geared for meeting people but not around meeting and dating. These are group activities that you partake in when you choose. A friend just joined one called something like active singles, maybe google that and see where it leads you.

I understand your busy with the Kid thing...

I am concerned for woman-kind and this over-attention to kids, what heppened to go outside and play. God knows my parents didn't center their world around us in the way people do now! Heck I took the school bus to school and home from sports pratice, they knew the word NO and used it with great frequecy!

Selfish no! They had it right, they took care of themselves (their marraige) first. This ended up also taking care of us kids, because they were the primary care givers... they provided the home and enviroment for us kids. If they went down we all went down! Mind you they had 4 kids and did it. Oh my dad passed away 6 months prior to their 50th anaversary ...

Jim

Maybe the old folks had it fright and the moderan enlightened world has it wrong. mom and dad made 50, gandma and pa made 50 too...

Hi Nams,

Good to hear from you too. I think you are dead center with your recommendation b/c if I meet someone when I am with the kids and they are a part of the package from the beginning it will be much easier. I did not realize how intense the dating scene was so no more on-line for me.

I agree with Jim in some of his philosophy however things are not at all like they were 40 years ago nor is parenting b/c of it. My kids do take the school bus...they are dropped off at before care at 0700 and picked up from after care somewhere between 5-6pm. By the time you get home, make dinner and help 3 young kids with homework you are at about 9pm and it is then bedtime. Weekends are usually geared toward doing what you did not have time to do during the week aka laundry, housework and a fun activity or two.

My kids are having geographic separation issues and requiring more time and energy than pre re-location. Eventually things will smooth out but I can't picture any major time spent let alone 15 hours a week unless I were to work with the individual...I had no idea that rule applied for dating I thought it was for more mature relationships! Go figure

Sounds like you are keeping busy as well. Enjoy grad school...I sure did. Finished in May and despite all of my chaos managed to pull a 4.0 so I was pretty pleased. Thanks for the advice and support.

2 much

Jim,
I am sure my answer may not apply for your age-group. Most likely a good majority of ladies your age are kid-free so I can't speak to that. I know when reading articles about on-line dating and hearing individuals experiences it seems that being "busy" can be taken many ways...some use it as an escape while others are honestly super busy.

I think some people use on-line just like window shopping and if they are not immediately drawn to the individual they rapidly move on to the next. I can't say cuz I only engaged in chat with a handful and only tried meeting in person once. The guy is still calling and texting close to a month after I explained I just couldn't become involved at this point. I personally am taking Nams advice.

Are you involved in any sports, hobbies or groups that would be conducive to meeting folks? If I were kid free I would start by getting involved in some of those and some volunteer projects like Habitat for Humanity or other similiar type activities. Help others and are feel good things:)

Good luck!
2much

Yup busy is a catch all...

Not as involved as I would like! trying to change that however...

Jim

Hi folks, well still alive and out here, still hanging in here and generally just frustrated with about everything right now, i hate instability, and about the only thing predictable about being single is the unpredictability of it all. I feel like I am pressing, pressing myself, I want my life back the one i had and it is simply gone.

I am still taking Anti-Ds and sometimes I do wonder if they are effective, not sleeping well and genreally feel like I am in a funk.

Just a process to work through, but it sure sucks...

Jim