Hi All,

My story is not much different than everybody's else. WH started up last spring (06) with a MUCH younger girl from work. I found out within a couple of months that he was talking/texting with the OW, and then it turned physical.I did all the usual stuff at first; angry confrontations, bargaining, hyper-sexuality, whatever. WH told me at the time he was just having fun, it meant nothing, and he would end it shortly. Needless to say, he didn't end it. He kept making promises that he would end it by such & such date, but the date would come and go. Over the course of the summer it got worse between us... we were hardly talking at all & he was spending all of his non-working hours with the OW.

Did I mention we have 2 kids (then 13 & 15) that knew what was going on? Yeah, they've had some problems since then.

Anyway, last September I couldn't take it anymore & told him if he wanted her so damn bad to just move out & go be with her. I think that was the push he was hoping for because he didn't have enough nerve to do it on his own.

I found out within a month or so that he was living with her, although he wouldn't tell me where he lived. He was & has been really good about bringing over some money every week but pretty much seemed to forget he even had a family at all. Hardly ever called and talked to the kids, or did much with them. All of his time was consumed with the OW.

For the first few months after he left, I tried to keep in touch with him, mostly via text messaging when he's at work. Mostly updating him on things going on with the kids, and asking how he's doing. We'd go along sometimes for a month and not communicate much at all, and then he'd message me out of the blue inquiring about me & the kids. Eventually my kids did meet the OW, and my DD has spent some time recently with them. She's not crazy about having to be around the OW but deals with it so she can see her dad. My son (16) has no desire to see him at all though if she has to be around, so their relationship has really suffered.

Since all this came about my son has had some trouble with the law (Surprise!) Mostly he's been smoking a lot of dope & is now in the system. WS has been really good about showing up for court appearances, and did come to family counseling that was court-ordered in June of this year. Surprisingly, he really participated in these discussions and I felt that our family was a little more connected.

My son ended up in juvenile hall for a month due to having dirty UA's, and we had to go to court last week. I knew beforehand that the judge would be sending him to an inpatient rehab immediately after court. I spoke with the WS about what was going to happen, and well we ended up talking about the two of us getting together after court. He ended up following me to my apartment after court & we had the best sex ever. It was strange because we didn't really talk too much... pretty much we got here & fell into bed.
Afterwards, he went on to work & I did the same. I didn't feel bad about it at all; after all I am still his wife but I did feel a little like the other woman (I guess I am now).

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yesterday he messages me at work to tell me he can't make the family counseling at the rehab center that night. I asked him if he'd be coming to it next wednesday & he says he's not sure, they're really busy during the week, they don't just sit around you know. So I responded to him, what was that a slam on our history together? He says no,he's just saying. So I told him you know it's not all my fault we didn't do much during the week when he was home. He comes back & says he know that's true but he doesn't want to discuss it anymore. So I asked him if he thought I was picking a fight? He comes back & says no but he's got to get back to work. So I told him I WAS cuz I thought it'd be fun. LOL I then asked him if he wanted me to go away forever and just forget all about him. He came back and says that he won't tell me what to do.

Then, I ended up telling him I still think about him & dream about him all the time, and that I still loved him, but that I knew we don't have a chance unless he changes his mind.
He responded that he does to (love/think about me) but right now he's happy but that we might get back together some day when he's ready, if I still want him. And he says but for now do what you want to do. So I told him that I wanted to wait for him, for awhile longer at least. He says OK you can do that, cuz he doesn't really know what he & the OW are doing. That things are OK but not like they were. So I reply that I'm sorry to hear that, but not really and that I just want him to be happy. I told him that I'd like to try again but I know we'd have lots of work to do, but I haven't given up hope. That I always believed in us but we made a lot of mistakes but I've never stopped loving him. So he comes back and says he feels the same way and one day we'll be back together. So I told him I had to go, that I'd see him on Friday and to have a good rest of the week. He comes back and says you too, puts in a smiley face <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />and says I still love you. Then a kissy face. We didn't talk today at all.

WOW that was long! It seems like he's maybe starting to have 2nd thoughts. Maybe the fog is lifting a little or things aren't quite so rosy for them now that they're playing house and have the day-to-day stuff to deal with, and aren't in the bubble anymore. <b> My question is, what do I do from here? </b> I pretty much layed it out to him that I'll wait longer. We've never discussed getting divorced at all the whole time he's been gone. I did go talk with a lawyer once for info but I've never done anything else.

We've been married for 17 years (just had an anniv is July) , but we've been a couple for 24.

thanks

It is time that you expose your WH to his family, all his friends, and his employer. I would probably file for legal separation as well to get him on the hook for alimony and child support and get full custody. I would then go to plan B and have no contact with him whatsoever until he agrees to your conditions for marriage including NC w/ OW, MC, and anything else you might want. He is doing this because you are allowing him to. It is time to stand up for yourself and put the heat on him.

If you enable the affair, it will continue. There is much to learn here if you will read and believe.

Larry

Everyone already knows all about it. They work at the same place, his family knows all about it (she's been to his parent's for the holidays!), her family knows, etc. I haven't filed for legal separation because that costs about as much as a divorce, so I don't see any point in doing that until/unless I just divorce him. He does bring me money every week, in an amount we agreed to prior to his leaving. I work full-time and make the same as he does so I don't need spousal support. As far as custody goes I've got the kids all the time and I don't think he'll ever challenge that. How is it that I'm allowing him to continue the affair? He's always done pretty much whatever he's pleased. I want to point out though that this is the first time ever in all of our years together that he's ever cheated. I think sometimes these things have to run their course and I don't know that pushing him to do anything would be the best way to go. I mean, I want him to end it and return to his family so we can repair our marriage but I want him to WANT to himself and to be done with her completely. I truly think this is a classic mid-life crisis that will run out of steam. It seems like that's happening, from what he's said and from this appearance. In the beginning of the affair, he lost weight, began spending a lot of time on his personal grooming, etc., but now he's pretty much looking like he did before. He's almost 45 and she's just 25 and I think has some kind of daddy complex. I also think she stroked his ego by being naive & wide-eyed and hanging on his every word. After so long together of course I didn't behave that way towards him anymore. I made lots of mistakes myself in how I related to him too. That doesn't excuse what he's done but I accept that I was a big contributor to the conditions that lead him to become dissatisified.

It's called cake-eating and your WH has an endless supply of cake at this point. It's late or I'd say more. Hopefully you'll check back tomorrow. I'm sure you'll hear from a lot of people then.

You are allowing him to continue the affair because you never cut him out of you and your children's lives. You have never made him make a choice. The purpose of legal separation is so that you don't have to rely on him to bring money over after you cut off all contact with him, the state does it for you, and sometimes it takes a legal decision to smack him in the face with reality. He's been allowed to come and go as he pleased. Don't allow him to come and go as he pleases anymore. He can go or he can come, but he can't do both. Force his hand and MAKE him make a choice. I can tell you are afraid to do that because you think he'll just chose to leave forever, but that is a risk you need to take if you want to have any chance at recovering your marriage because doing nothing will leave you in this exact situation forever (or until OW demands your WH make a choice).