BB,

Hang in there. Plan B will at first be hard, but it is better than being hit over the head with constant remote contact with her. It will take awhile for you to go through withdrawal from her, so expect to be strongly affected by this plan B for a bit.

Talk to the kids and explain what you have done and why. Also be aware that she may try to contact you under rather flimsy excuses just to get her fix and make sure her safety net is still there.

I suspect you have done the right thing, but do it well. You won't regret it and it will make your decisions easier than you can see and tell right now.

Must go, take care, keep in close contact with the kids, and hang in there. You will have choices to make in the future and some of them may well be pleasant, if a bit surprising.

God Bless,

JL

Hi JL
You have been a huge help. This was an especially tough week.
Counselling starts tomorrow for me and later for my daughter. You know I would have never guessed it would be so positive for my kids and my relationship. It has been the worst time in my life and probably the best time in my life bonding with the kids. Almost want to thank my EX…………Lets not go that far however
BB

BB,

Actually, BB let's go that far. I am serious. You are thankful for the increased contact with the kids, tell them you are, and tell your ex or soon to be ex the same thing.

Acknowledge what you have learned, how you have grown and the opportunities that have come your way via this very difficult time. And your ex isn't an ex just yet. Although you have gone to plan B, one never knows the future. You may come to realize you really want out, or you may get a chance to rebuild the marriage. I know the latter doesn't seem likely but don't rule it out yet.

Focus on you, learning, being with the kids, and your work.

Hope counseling went alright, I am sure it is painful right now. I suspect it will help your daughter to have someone to talk to besides you and her mother. She really doesn't want to hurt anyone.

God Bless,

JL

Be sure 2 write a good plan B letter.

My two cents...if it were me I would get the kids on board and then state in one last communication to the wife that no more emails, texts, or phone calls to any of you. If she wants to talk with you or her kids she needs to get her butt back in the states and do it in person!! But that is just me.

Hi, bb, your wife is p'o'd that you talked about her actions and your reactions because she prefers to be in secret. You did partial exposure; a tool used to destroy affairs. To quote from somebody (I don't remember who) on the boards: [in response to your wife's anger at your talking about what she is doing]

If the OM is so wonderful, and if you are proud of what you are doing, why haven't you told everybody your own self?

Well………wrote the letter last week said don’t call or chat room. She did every day. I can’t resist. Like a kid in a candy store. I have to answer. I can’t stop. I live for the contact? My councillor says, if you can’t stop, don’t. Just know were she is at and the ball is her court. I can do nothing about her decisions.
We are having very civil conversations and dealing with our past failures calmly and rationally. I just can’t stop. Everything is saying forget about the adulteress…I cannot.
Time? Probably will make me sensible? So conflicted right now….Changes by the hour most days.
Thanks for the support everyone
BB

JL
bye the way.I did tell her thanks for leaving it helped my relationship with the kids. she thought that was good news.
BB

BB,

Well I just have to say this. You now know how hard it will be for your WW to leave the OM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She is addicted to him as you are to her. She has withdrawn from you, and frankly you are simply her safety net right now. If things go well for her and OM, she will be done and you will hurt.

What you experience when you don't hear from her is called
"withdrawal" pains, and it is termed that because just as a drug addict cannot just quit, you cannot either. It is brain chemistry. However, the ONLY way you can get through withdrawal is to go through it, which means for about 3-4 weeks of no contact you will WANT/NEED to speak to her and think about it hourly.

The point is, that you cannot make a rational decision until you go through withdrawal, and you may not get the choice. She may force it by sticking with OM. She has already left you.

My point... you NEED to go to plan B and go through withdrawal OR you will actually lose your love for her faster and be in greater pain in the process. But, make no mistake about it, you are not unique in feeling you cannot go to plan B because you miss her so. It is a given that if you love her you will miss her. Your problem is that you are prolonging the agony right now.

So if you really need plan B, be prepared to go through withdrawal. Read about it in Harley's articles.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL
It is like a drug. I cannot stop. Still talking daily even though she is withy the OM? What is wrong with me.
Actually I did go through withdrawal for a month when we had no contact. Once she got lonely and started contact again, I was hooked again. I just can’t bring myself to do plan B yet. I tried and failed.
My Councillor said it is pretty common and actually expected for the other spouse to want to reconsider their decision. We talked about the fact that I cannot stop contact with her and she said that it is not the end of the world just know your limits. Just accept that it is her decision and that I have no control of the situation.

Today’s chat was interesting to say the least?
She tells me today that she is planning on retiring there permanently. She is 7 years from her first eligible pension check form her work. Having said that she was still ambiguous about her future plans in later comments (strange). BTW The OM is retired in Mexico now.

THIS WILL GENERATE COMMENTS?
For weeks we have talked abut getting together to talk and sort out our issues. Several plans have been discussed in many varied forms. We decided today on what to do.
She is catching a ride this week with a friend that must drive to Seattle (not the OM)
I will be driving to Seattle (about 600 miles) to meet her. We will drive to Vancouver were our son is in college; visit there than travel the rest of the way home together. She will stay in our home town for 2 weeks to complete her business than fly back to México and the OM. I can’t resist the opportunity to talk? Sorry but I can’t do say no.
BTW this was my idea to meet part way

I will leave in a little over a week.

Let the comments begin>>>>>>.
BB

Cripes, bb:

Fire your counselor.

Call either Steve Harley or Jennifer H Chalmers right away and get a plan 2gether.

What you are doing is not a plan, it's a fix. Just like JL is saying.

Look, I ac2ally believe that this could 2rn around and your M could recover. But not with both you and your WW getting your fixes and going your own ways anyway afterward.

You need 2 change the dynamics of this whole thing. You need 2 get yourself in2 and through withdrawal from your emotionally-unhealthy attachment 2 your W. You need 2 value yourself as an individual that can someday be of real help 2 people like your kids and even your W, and not some pathetic incomplete half of a broken marriage who 2rns 2 an amorphous mass of jelly whenever your W calls you because she needs just a little bit more than her lying, cheating, theif of an OM can give her in the moment.

But you can't do that while you're doing what you are doing.

-ol' 2long

2long
I know you are right. However I am having a difficult time refusing to try 1 more serious effort to get through to her.
I believe it is probably futile but I must try. We are a critical point in my mind. She is beginning to formulate a long term plan in Mexico but I can tell she is uncertain. Now is the only opportunity to persuade her to return while she is vulnerable and uncertain.
Until she leaves the Om there is no hope but I think is my only chance. If the upcoming trip doesn’t work I am certain it is over forever?
BB

bb:

That WON'T WORK!

Please at least read all the infidelity articles on the home page. You will see what I mean.

The Harleys have 35 years experience saving thousands of marriages in trouble just like yours. They know how 2 do it!

You might also post on General Questions II. There's a lot more traffic there.

-ol' 2long

One more serious effort to get through to her? You mean there is a small chance that she is not totally and completely convinced that she has got you right by the cajones and waiting by the phone night and day for her?

Have you ever read the book, "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson? I'd get a copy real quick and read this weekend if I were you, and wouldn't take anymore calls or IM until I was done with it.



Well go ahead a meet up with her, make sure she becomes absolutely without a doubt certain that you will be her safety net if she decides she doesn't like Mexico. Of course a man so smitten by a woman who is walking all over him is such an unattractive choice that even if OM does grow tired of her, she'll not want to come home to you either.

You are too needy and addicted to her to make good choices right now. I'm not trying to beat you up, anyone blind sided by acts similar to what your WW is doing would be the same. This type of behavior only fuels the waywards entitlement, however. Appeasement does not work with wayward women. You have shown her that you are willing and able to make changes where you may have failed in the past, now it is time to show her some boundaries.

Women are normally unable to divide their loyalties for very long, so that has me a little puzzled. Perhaps the OM is not meeting her needs very well. It might be a good idea to cut off contact with her altogether so that she is forced to have all her needs met by OM. It may break up the affair faster than with her having you to help OM.

If I were you, I would force myself to become unaddicted to her by refusing any contact until I was sure I was no longer in a place of addiction or attachment.

You are in a very painful emotional place, I know, I have been there and the next logical step if it continues too long is deep depression. You don't want to go there, it hurts even worse than where you are right now.

You have at your finger tips some of the brightest minds around, and many more to come help you, so keep talking and reaching out here.

BB,

One more thing that is part of exposure, and what I would do right before I cut off contact with your WW is to send the man a registered letter (to make sure he gets it) stating that your WW is a married woman and he is helping to destroy your family and hurt your children. Let him know how this has harmed your daughter and that her son has disowned her. I wouldn't threaten him but I would appeal to whatever human decency he has in this manner. Several of the recovered marriages on here had BS's who did send the OM a letter, or email.

Very important step, in my opinion.

weaver makes an excellent point. Though at the time, I didn't think it did any good 2 send RM an email just before my W 2k our son 2 his workplace in NM, in retrospect I think it was a very effective move on my part.

I pi$$ed in their cheerios!

I got all kinds of angry reaction from my W about that, like "I told you before that if you contacted RM, that it would be over". Little did SHE realize, that what was "over" was the affair, not our marriage, because the dose of reality doomed the fantasy. She's still here, and we're still recovering, but I don't think we'd even be this far along if I hadn't done that.

Exposure of any kind throws a bucket of cold water on the excitement of the affair.

-ol' 2long

Thanks for the replies
On some of the comments
“Exposure”.
Exposure has recently came out. Previous advice here was to do it and I did. I really had nothing to lose. All this did was made her appear to be comfortable with the new relationship to her friends. Little can be gained by further work in this area I believe?”

“Contact the OM”
There are wildly varied few on this site about that issue. I see little to gain on that front. The OM is isolated from his family by 3000 miles and single. I do have all his contact info. I did a lot of research on this guy. Personally think he is a con artist and so does some of the WW’s family too. I don’t see the upside to this strategy?

I have read over the forum and Harleys articles many times. Tried to initiate a plan B and failed miserably. Not that I don’t see the pitfalls with failure, I do.
My plan is trying to keep up plan A (my original strategy) until after this trip on Sept 25th
I will keep rereading all your thoughts and keep this in mind…..Thank you.
HOWEVER I WILL MAKE THIS TRIP WITH MY WW. I have made up my mind.
Is it a good decision? Likely not, I know that. I need this resolution or closure. It will be one or the other. Closure being plan B for real this time.
Will it be hard, undoubtedly. Can’t see it being worse. I have been through ****** in the last few months and am more certain of my goals with her and my life. It is coming up on do or die situation, figuratively that is.
Advice about how to handle this likely 3 days together (1 driving, 2 with our son at college) would be nice to hear.
Advice to cancel the trip is out of the question.
Thanks BB

I see that this post has more views than any other post in this section this year?
Either everyone is amazed at how ****** up I am or it is a interesting situation?
HMMMM
BB

bb:

Well, you do what you feel you need 2 do. I think most would agree with me that going on this trip with her will only drive you down deeper in2 depression, and help her 2 feel justified that what she's doing is "right", or at least that you are okay with it.

Don't you think that canceling on her and simply dealing with your pain - perhaps spending the time with your kids instead - might be less painful? Not only in the short term, but in the long term?

This thread has gotten as much attention as it has because I posted a thread on GQII, asking others there 2 come here and offer their support. Perhaps you missed that.

bb, I was pretty pig-headed and screwed up myself when I tried 2 implement plan B 5 years ago. I wasn't ready for it then. But my W never left 2 go live with RM. And her PA was over before I discovered the A. In retrospect, I can say with some certainty, that if my W were living with RM when I tried plan B 7 months after d-day, I would most definitely have made it a good one. Living with her insisting that she could be friends with RM and still be a wife and mother was bad enough. Living with the knowledge that she was boinking RM 2 states away, and that I was enabling it by "supporting" her, would have been crazy.

I don't believe I can help you at this time.

best of luck,
-ol' 2long

Sorry you are giving up on me 2long...No i don't want to cancel the trip.
Just want advice on how to best deal with this situation?
Thanks BB