I recently learned OW's real last name (she pretends her last name is the last name of the biological father of her out-of-wedlock-kid even though they never married). She apparently has this delusion that she's a 'good girl' that she very much wants to protect...(but not enough to prevent her from sleeping with men she's not married to especially men who are married to somebody else!)

Actually in the phone book she's listed by her first name, comma, last name of her kid's biological father. I guess she thinx of herself as right up there with Elvis and Cher? LOL

Well I recently came across her real last name (maiden name - never married). And it happens to be the last name of a homeschool family we know. We aren't close friends with them just more like acquaintances. I'm wondering if this homeschool mom is the SIL of the OW and the daughter is the OW's neice. Their daughter was in the Irish dance lessons my daughters and I taught for the homeschoolers and on the same homeschool soccer team as my youngest daughter. I think her daughter came to one of my daughter's birthday parties (I'm pretty sure it was the one WH also came to - shortly after I discovered OW wasn't just a figment of my imagination). This family knows about the WH's adultery and the divorce in general but not too many specifics.

There is another homeschool family that we are friends with, that we are a lot closer to, and that is really close to the family with the same last name as the OW. And this family knows a LOT of the details about WH's adultery and divorce AND the effects it's had on us.

So I'm wondering whether to ask them if they are related to the OW?

It majorly creeps me out to think that maybe these two families knew all along but didn't tell me anything!

If the first family is related to OW and didn't tell me I feel it was probably because their alliance would have been with the OW and were probably hoping my WH would divorce me and marry her.

If the second family knew and didn't tell me I will feel majorly betrayed and it will probably end our friendship.

Sine we didn't have much contact with the family that may be related to OW I'm having trouble remembering any specifics that might be clues. I honestly don't remember the mother although I know she was one of the many moms dropping her kid off at Irish dance.

So NOW that I suspect a possible relation to OW I will pay attention to them. In fact yesterday at soccer practice this particular soccer mom was one of the people I talked to about giving my daughter rides to soccer games since I have to work two jobs now. She said she didn't have enough room in her car.

I said something about how my daughter has been having anger issues about me not being able to go to all her practices and games, how the divorce has changed all our lives. I used to not only take my kids to everything but also organized/provided a LOT of the activities for the homeschoolers AND carted many of their kids to and from activities. I did that for years and taught the Irish dance lessons for free. In fact at yesterday's game everybody was coming up and asking if I'm doing the concession stand for the games this year like I did last year (nope since I don't even know if I'll get to go to many of the games). Still my daughter is embarrassed now that SHE needs a ride to activities and I'm hardly ever there like the other parents.

This woman's responses were all about minimizing - it will all be over soon and everything will be even better than before. She actually made some remark about how having gone through this has somehow been good for my daughters! I revealed to her a few of the details of what it's been like for my daughters: youngest daughter was cutting herself, youngest daughter said she felt like daddy was pretending she was dead when he was with OW and OW's daughter and wouldn't answer his cell phone to talk to his own daughters, oldest daughter is 21 and still doesn't have driver's license and most days won't even speak. The other soccer mom just mumbled more nonsense about 'soon' things will get better... I told her it's already been majorly messed up for six years and my daughters will all be finished growing up, minus the stay-at-home-mom they deserved, before 'soon' arrives!

I had to stop talking and leave because I was starting to feel upset and actually choked up! I told her I had to go to work (which was true) so we couldn't stay to watch the rest of the boys' game... AND nobody offered to give my daughter a ride home so she had to leave when I did instead of hanging with her teammates to watch the boys play...

A little OT but just remembered: My youngest daughter was only 10 years old when WH moved out, Daddy's little girl. But OW's little girl soon usurped that spot in his life much to my daughter's dismay. One day when we were at the mall (WH thought it 'normal' for me to go along on visitation - in fact tried to insist on it - and I was in Plan A so of course I went LOL) WH got all excited about showing daughter the Build-a-Bear store. And he knew ALL ABOUT how it worked and was explaining it to our daughter - like he'd OBVIOUSLY been there before (with OW and her kid)!
I could see that our daughter realized how daddy knew all about it but was trying her best to not spoil visitation day for HIM! GRRRRR!!!!! What an insensitive jerk!

Also once daughter came home from visitation all smily, "bye-bye daddy, love you" then went immediately to her room and sobbed. She told me later that she had found some photos of her daddy and OW and OW's little girl at his apartment... They were Christmas photos of them. She said little girl was "of course she's adorable". My daughter had no self-esteem issues whatsoever before WH moved out. She was just happy being a little girl playing with dolls and stuffed animals. She wanted to be a vet and loved pets. Now she thinx she's fat and ugly, dresses very dark, and wants to have her own tattoo and body priercing parlor someday... I think she knew she couldn't possibly compete with some little blue-eyed-blonde toddler... sad...

OK... even weirder yet... some coincidences I've just discovered maybe confirming my suspicion...

Either that or I'm really getting paranoid LOL

I would just ask the question since I agree that a BS should cut ties with friends that knew, but didn't tell.

The daughters in each family know my daughters. They are teammates with my youngest daughter on the homeschool soccer team, one used to be on a synchronized figure sakting team with my daughter for a couple of years, and most of my daughter's friends are friends with the two girls too.

I just feel like if they knew and didn't tell me then they did so because they either wanted to stay 'neutral' or actually wanted the OW to win in her attempt to destroy my family. Even if they just wanted to stay out of it that would still be aiding and abetting the enemy in my opinion!

I don't want my daughter to find out because she's already having a tough enough time. And being a teen her social life is SO important to her right now. But of course my daughter may find out someday anyway. If my suspicion is founded then I have to wonder how much those two girls know.
I know if/when my daughters find out it would be better if I told them then if they found out some other way. It would be bad enough feeling like a fool because your friends kept it secret but I don't want my daughters thinking I purposely kept them in the dark too. Of course I do think I should verify my suspicion first though before saying anything to my daughters.

I am so sorry, I know how that feels. To me that is what the truth of everything is all about. Just so we BS's know who knows and what they know, so when you run into them they can't tell you something you did not know. I have stayed away from everyone I thought knew something and kept their mouths shut in order to help the blessed couple, how sad for us huh? Even before this ever happened to me, I saw someone cheating on someone that was very dear and near to me, I went up to him at his cozy space in the back of a dark bar and grill and asked him if he had a quarter (no cell phones then) he looked startled, let go of the girl, actually pushed her and pulled one out and then I said "race ya to the phone" needless to say I called my girl and told her. Try not to let that aspect bother you, these are weak people, nothing more. Don't let weak people bother you and move on, you have alot on your plate, take care honey

It's just more of those nasty consequences of Wh's and OW's selfish immoral choices that me and my innocent daughters have to live with... apparently while having to also listen to lame remarks from those who may have enabled the adultery about how we supposedly will be all better "soon"...sigh

The woman's remarks sounded so similar to the foggy 'divorce doesn't damage the kids', 'they get over it quickly' garbage.

And if my suspicions are correct of course that's what she'd need to believe in order to 'support' her adulterous SIL.

Plus now I wonder what sort of lies my WH and OW may have been telling these people about me and what spin they may have heard (and believed?) about why WH moved out, what our marriage was like, etc.

You bet I made sure to tell this woman that it was WH's 7th A that destroyed our marriage and that I was the one willing to work on the marirage but he divorced me anyway.

I didn't make any reference to the OW though... And I usually do when talking about the divorce.

I'm trying to picture myself asking this woman if she's related to OW, if OW is her husband's sister. I'm also wondering how to approach the other family that we do know better. Who should I ask first?

"he looked startled, let go of the girl, actually pushed her"

Yea, the day it was confirmed WH was (once again) involved with an OW he had brought her and her little girl to the stadium where my daughters and I were. I was working concessions with the other skating team parents as a team findraiser. Supposedly he didn't know we were going to be there... It was our first time working there and other then e-mailing me romantic poetry that I refused to respond to we were not having anything to do with him.

I didn't actually see him myself but some friends of our did. They saw him standing across fromt he concession stand I was working in staring at me while OW had her back to me and watching the marching band on the field. The friends said he was standing there for a LONG time watching me and they even tried to signal to me a couple of times to look in that direction. But I didn't get what they were signaling and didn't see him and OW. They came over to me later and told me he was there. They said that when WH saw THEM he practically RAN away and OW had to drag her little toddler to try to catch up! LOL

Also, WH never would admit to his family that there was an OW, let alone introduce OW to them. WH's family lives in another state so it was easy for him to hide OW from them.

But he didn't really have to hide OW from his family anyway, they're mostly a bunch of adulterers themselves and would have probably like OW more than me anyway (she's a 'Mall Rat' - very materialistic and shallow like they are). So I figure she must have been some source of embarrassment to him for some other reasons LOL

Well, off to work, first have to call around to find daughter a ride to soccer game today...

I guess it could be a 'good' thing that I won't be able to go to many of daughter's practices and games? But the next chance I do get to go I will have to ask them if they are related to OW, and if they are, why didn't they say something to me sooner?!?!?

I feel like they've all been talking about me behind my back and maybe even kept quiet because they wanted my WH to end up with OW and her kid instead of me and my daughters.

Now I REALLY want to move out of this town BUT my daughters don't want to leave their 'friends'....

Grrrr

OK I was thinking about this while at work today and still not sure how to approach this.

I probably won't have a chance to talk to them soon because my work schedule prevents me from going to most soccer games anyway.

So when I do see them do I just say to this woman: "Are you related to (OW's name)?" And then if she says yes what next?

Also, the woman I do know pretty well, that is a close friend with the woman I think is SIL of OW, how should I bring it up with her if it's confirmed?

Also, what do I say to my daughters about this?

How about:

"Want to hear the strangest coincidence...I discoverd that OW's maiden...err...her real last name since she never really married her baby daddy...is 'sleprock'...same as yours. Funny thing is my first thought was immediately...OMG, she's related to you guys (or your husband). Kinda had me panicking a bit. Your husband's not related to her...is he????"

Ask it really light hearted with no seemingly interest or care if the answer is yes or no. Make it sort of gossipy rather than inquisitive.

If they are related inquire...in the same tone...

"OMG...you guys ARE related...you didn't know about the situation the whole time I was blabbering on about it last year...Did you?


Be direct...but lighthearted about it. GET THE INFORMATION and then decide what, if anything to do about it. There are other resources for confirming your suspicions if you think they are covering something up...but they won't lie IF you approach it with seeming irrelevance.

Further...if they are related, I think it's a reach to infer they wanted OW to get your husband. They likely had no idea or conversely were embarrassed for themselves/their relative. Remember...waywards typically keep VERY quiet about their immoral behavior and cut out anyone that doesn't approve or might not approve of their actions. Waywards trust strangers...not family members with details of such conduct.

Mr. Wondering

Wrong, right or indifferent....the one's that knew what ex WW was doing and supported, condoned, enabled I will never speak to or acknowledge they exist ever again. The one's that said nothing or stayed neutral and called themselves family friends at now at best acquaintances.

Mr Wondering: I think your lighthearted approach is a good idea... but I can't picture myself pulling it off.

I probably won't see her very often but when I do I will observe and listen to see if I can detect any realization on her part that I suspect something.

I was also thinking of trying to find some way to use her thinking I'm clueless to my advantage... Any suggestions?

I do know that the info I gave her the other day, about how much WH's adultery and divorce has affected us, is more detailed than what she previously knew. It seemed her main focus was on how this sort of betrayal and the resulting fallout can be gotten over easily and quickly. I found that attitude offensive and wanted to make sure she knew our recovery has been anything but quick and easy!

Oh and years ago, after WH moved out but before I confirmed OW, the woman I do know, who is a close friend of the woman who may be OW's SIL, had a party-lite candle selling party. And OW sells those. So I've been trying to remember anything about the candle rep at the party - can't picture her or remember her name...

Maybe I should ask my friend who the saleslady was at that party?

this is terrible for you.

I look at it this way, it's a free country and you can ask anyone anything you want! What is the worse that could happen?

It's terrible that your confidence has been sucked right out of you, but you will get it back!

just go full tilt and let it rip, ask away!

Meremortal,


This is exactly what I was thinking. Why keep worrying about it? Just ask. Shoot, if you don't think you will run into her soon, call her. Stop worrying about it and do something about it. Worrying will do nothing.

In the end you could have done all this wondering and worrying for nothing. It's better to take care of it sooner than later. If ends up they are related then you know and can deal with the info accordingly.

Just my 2 cents.

LC

mm,

Just go down the to the courthouse. It's easy to look at records and find the truth without even asking.

No time to go down to the courthouse...did try to find info online but couldn't find free info.

Went to daughter's game today (only 2nd one I could make it to because of work schedule). The woman I suspects is SIL of OW was there. The game was over before I got up the nerve to ask her. She said "I don't know - husband's family is so big..." My gut feeling was that she was lying (to avoid admitting). It sounded like a really lame excuse to me too. How can you be married to somebody for a couple of decades and not even know his relatives that live int he same town? AND there are only a couple of people in the phone book with that last name. Otherwise (if there were say a dozen or more people in this town with that name) I wouldn't have thought of a possible connection. It's not like the name was 'Smith' or 'Jones'...

whatever...