My wife and I have been having some marital problems. She just came
back from a trip home where she got back in touch with a former lover.

I do not believe that she had any physical contact with him.

The kicker is that she plans on going back home possibly next summer
for a trip with an old girlfriend. I feel that this emotional affair
will eventually progress to a sexual one if they do meet up again. I
am committed to preventing that by giving her all the emotional
support/conversation that she needs, but I think it will get
smothering.

I'm torn in what to do. During the time she has been away, I've really
missed her, and have expressed that I am willing to change...willing
to put less pressure on her. I guess our marriage has been more of a
cohabitat. Less sex, more pressure, more arguments over sex. I think
that her emotional need is to get back to a simplier time...when she
did not have all the pressures of marriage. However, I know in my
heart that all the "wonderful" things of this past guy are just
illusions as she does not remember all the not so wonderful things
that caused them to argue and eventually break-up.

I want to give her space to come and realize that her marriage means
more to her than this old love. I want to hope that she will be strong
enough to resist these temptations, but I know that any future
communication/hook-ups will only make her revert and take steps back.
I, of course, will give her more of her needs to show that I am truly
the man that she loves...not some fantasy. However, isn't that the
issue with affairs...the fantasy (which always comes crashing down
when they end).

I desperately need advice as to how to deal with this. It pains me
greatly to know that I have caused a rift between us due to my poor
treatment of her in the past - I just hope that we can repair that.
But if I do not confront her about her meeting, will she be engaged
enough to change?

I've read Plan A, and am committed to it, but I really do believe that
my wife still loves me. I think that alone may make her turnaround.
However, I cannot be 100% sure.

I guess that I am asking if I am on a good track. Does this seem
feasible or should I confront her sooner than later? I just think that
confronting her now will only drive her away further b/c she will
internalize me knowing and questioning her as me not trusting her.


Thanks,
PrayingForFix

Hello and welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry that you are here under these circumstances. But this is a very good place to get support and help.

I am not a veteran, but will give you my thoughts and more people will also come to assist.

They have told each other they "love" each other. Get a key logger in place on her computer so you can keep tabs on this without her knowledge. Find out as much as you can about OM: is he married, does he have an ex wife or girlfriend. You need to expose this affair now. You will not be able to get your wife to begin to work on your marriage while she is still in this fog state of thinking she loves OM who is her old boyfriend.

Get a plan: make a list of the proposed exposure targets. Many betrayed spouses do contact the other person and tell them to cease contact with their wife/husband. But there are others on the exposure list that need to be told about this Emotional Affair (you do not think it is a Physical Affair, but the jury is still out on that one.) People to put on the exposure list: Your wife's family, OM's girlfriend/wife, family, you and your wife's good friends, your family--anyone that you feel you can enlist to be a friend to your marriage.

Ask your wife to write a no contact letter to this OM that you approve and you send it to other man. The letter should be brief and to the point, something like: My relationship with you is a betrayal to my marriage and is something that my husband does not deserve. I wish to have no further contact with you and ask that you have no further contact with me as I intend to work on my marriage.

After exposure, implement Plan A and continue snooping to see if no contact is established.

Others will be along to help you. Today: find out as much info about OM as you can, using computer-based search engines to help you, install a key logger so you can keep track of things. Get together your exposure list of people. There is a good thread called "spying 101" that can help you learn how to keep tabs on your wife.

I suggest that you do not tell OM to stay away from your wife until you are ready to expose to other exposure targets. If you expose to him alone, you can potentially arm your wife and him against you with the knowledge that you know about this. They will then be able to turn the tables on you and portray you as the bad guy to others. Do keep copies of your information that you have gathered thus far.

Next summer is a long way away, you have work to do now so that no contact will be in place by that point. She should not be going on any trip next summer with an old girlfriend. You and she should go on the trip together. Good luck and keep posting.