As requested, I am cross posting here. I have no confirmation that there is any infidelity other than years of speculation.
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I have been on and off this site for the last four years. To make a long story short, my wife and I have decided that there is nothing left and are separating. We have not yet figured out what the situation is yet as we have two daughters - 10 and 18. I feel completely numb inside. I am posting on the EN forum in order to get a little more feedback.

Without getting into all the issues - mostly years of not meeting each others emotional needs and lots of resentment, several suspected but never verified emotional and possible physical affairs on her part (I have been 100% faithful), she let me know that she has nothing left and wants to move on. She is not willing to try counselling since we went a few times a few years back and things did not get better. We have been very cyclical over the years, times of happiness and times of unhappiness but the times of unhappiness are more often and last longer. Neither of us know how or put the effort into bouncing out of these times of unhappiness.

I do not really have any questions, just need some moral support at this point from those in this forum that have been there or are there. I have very few friends and no one close to talk with, I am debating on seeking out counselling to help me deal with this (not a MFT to help fix but rather someone to help me cope).

I want my 10 year old daughter to live with me and not sure yet how that will play out. I predict a huge fight and confrontation is in our future. I want to take the high road and not cause any more pain for our kids but I really need my 10 year old to live with me. Our 18 year old is heading off to college in a few weeks. Financially we both will be challenged living on our own and we do have a house that someone needs to live in but neither can really afford.

I am very empty and numb inside and this long weekend is going to be tough as we have not physically separated just yet.

I would be willing to give it one last shot and offered that last night but she won't have it. In her mind it is over and I have accepted that. I am done trying to make this work and have realized that we are going nowhere.

Thank you for listening.
WhatNext4Me

Me - 36
Wife - 35
Married 12 years but together for 17
Kids - daughter 10, daughter 18 (from a previous relationship when she was very young (you do the math) but we have been together since she was a baby and I am her father by all accounts).

What have you done to try to prove or disprove the possibility of your wife cheating? How have you "spied"?

Of course if she was cheating, she'd NEVER admit it to you without proof. It's pretty common practice for waywards to deny even in the face of proof.

What do YOU want out of this? Do you want to recover/rebuild your marriage?

If there IS cheating going on, but never exposed/admitted/addressed, there's very little chance that counseling would have helped. What makes you suspect that this could have been going on?

In her words she has always had better relationships with guys than girls. She is in a female dominant profession (RN) and there is lots of drama. She always connects with guys at work (other RN's, Dr's, Paramedics, etc) and establishes friendships. Heck I have female friends at work too but I am not calling and text messaging them until 3:30AM or staying out late with friends until the early hours.

I have been monitoring her personal email - a few years ago there was a couple emails with some potentially damaging content that involved the back of an ambulance but these were deflected as "jokes" among coworkers. I have no access to work email so can't monitor that. It is no secret that the ER setting is full of some of the most sexually harrassing behavior and it is all thought of as in good fun unless someone objects.

I have a keylogger set on our home computer and that so far has not revealed anything.

Lately there has been no email activity but a lot of cell phone calls and text messaging. I am yet to capture a conversation, voice mail or text message with anything in it. My wife knows that I monitor and is quick about keeping things empty. THis is part of her problem that I am checking up on her and when I do find something that is not concrete proof, I just get upset but never talk about it because I do not want to accuse without proof and if I ask the question then I get instant denial - as expected. I am assured that they are "just friends".

I second Owl's thoughts and wonder what you have done to find out if she is cheating? Counseling is useless if someone is in an affair.


Can you elaborate on this? Are you afraid of confrontations with her or are you simply stating that there will be a confrontation in order to get your 10 yr old DD?

Have you considered putting a voice activated recorder in her car? Does she make many of these questionable calls driving to/from work?

Are there any specific numbers that occur FAR more often than others? Have you tried doing some research to see who these belong to?

Yeppers, it's time to snoop.

I busted my wifey with the recorder in the car.

When you DO bust her, get ready for a nuclear reaction.

It won't be pretty.

I am afraid of controntations with her because I never do well. She is much better at it than me. I lose my train of thought, start throwing negative comments and get upset and then stop talking. This too has been part of our past problems.

I guess I need to get up to speed on the abbreviations.
My 10 year old DD is my world and I need her to be with me and I need to be the decision maker and supporter of her. I cannot leave that to WS (did I get that one right). She is in need of her "freedom" and works nights and stays out late after work and party's on nights off. I am less interested in my freedom and more interested in the well being and upbringing of my children (Is 18 still a child since she leaves for college in a few weeks?) I realize that she has the right to see her and spend time with her and I very much support that - she is a great mother when she wants to be and would never ever do anything to harm our kids. I would not try and keep DD from WS but at the same time I need to be the parent in charge. I am not a controlling person but feel that DD is best served with me right now. I suspect that WS feels the same way and that when the time comes to discuss this then things will get ugly.

Time to get a backbone and take charge.

The ride is going to get rough and you are going to take ALOT of damage emotionally.

Get ready for her first volly to be a full broadside.

Ok so let's assume that she is having/has had an affair, at this point I am not sure it matters. I am less concerned with fixing our marriage than I am to get myself and my two daughters through a separation. Sure it would be nice to know but I have spent 5 years snooping but have not been able to find anything concrete. She is either real good at covering it up or it is not/has not happened. Again, not sure it matters to me anymore.
I don't want to spend a fortune to hire PI or recorders to know for sure. My question is what should I be doing to prepare?

This has to stop. She will use your fear to manipulate you. And women do not respect men they can run over. You can't afford to run from a confrontation if it involves the best interest of your DD.

You DO NOT HAVE to win a debate with your wife in order to get your DD. understand that? You simply tell her your position and leave it at that. You don't need her approval, you don't have to justify yourself. You simply STATE your position and if she wants to pitch a fit, so be it.

Have you contacted an attorney? Have you been documenting her bad behavior?

Do you live in a state where evidence of adultery is taken into account? Do you have evidence of her wild lifestyle?

So I live in CA so not sure. I have not yet looked into divorce proceedings and what might be advantagous for me to get as far as evidence is concerned. If someone knows a decent attorney in the SoCal area that could help then I would be happy to get a contact.

As far as evidence of wild lifestyle, she stays out late with friends, talks on the phone and text messages until very late and all day and never tells me any of this. She is not a drunk or drug user but rather a night owl, liar and possible adulterer.

Well, if your plan is to go ahead with the divorce, I don't have any expertise in that area and would leave it to other's to help you out there.

Other than the standard advice...get ahold of an attorney ASAP, get your finances seperated and take every action possible to protect yourself and your children.

As requested this is cross posted from EN side
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Ok back again looking for advice.

Over the past two weeks my W and I have spent some time apart. We have been living separately in our house and trying to give each other some space but keeping things very cordial. In fact, I have been making a good attempt at a Plan A. During that time we have had a couple of really good talks about our issues, and next steps. We also went out on a date. I know sounds kind of wierd during a separation but. She also went to visit her parents for 6 days and gets home tomorrow. She called me last night to talk and we spent 1 1/2 hours on the phone talking. She said she misses me and still loves me very much.

Her big hang up at this point is committing back to the M 100% if we cannot sustain things for the longterm. We have had problems in the past where things are great for 3-6 months and then they deteriorate to the point of not wanting to be anywhere near each other. She is still wondering if we can make it long term given our history, issues and past experiences.

At this point, I am 100% convinced that she is not having an A. I think if I did not intervene when I did and get things out in the open that a particular friendship could have very well ended that way. ALthough she has convinced me that she was running to some friends to escape our problems and assures me that there was never any A or intent of an A during that time. It was really just an escape. I believe her 100% although I guess it is very difficult to completely guarantee that something did NOT happen. She has explained whereabouts, provided alibi's and confessed to certain behaviors. I also believe that if an A had happened that she would have owned it by now.

I am also 100% committed to making my M work and winning back my W and I am very optimistic about the future. However, my wife is also committed to our M but is somewhat less optimistic given our history that we can sustain things longterm and wonders if we should even go through the steps. We have talked about going back to counselling and if we decide then counselling is a defenite. I am re-reading His Needs, Her Needs. I have not approached or encouraged her to read it but she does have a copy of it. I am also considering the Marriage Builders Weekend Getaway the end of October. Has anyone gone to this and have positive feedback? I think my W would be open to this although we have not talked about it either.

Again, she feels like she knows what she needs to do to make this work and I also know what I need to do but she is still pessimistic that we can make it last longterm. I know there are no guarantees but how can I convince her that we need to at least try one last time and pour everything into it this time.

Thank you for listening to my rambling.
WhatNext4Me