Well, my original story is here:
When Your Spouse Has Depression So, for the last 5 months, I have been hanging onto a doomed marriage.
We decided to spend July apart. For so long, my STBXH has been sitting on the fence. Not sure if he wants to stay or go. He was diagnosed with depression, and now, after all is said and done, says it is the marriage that brought it on. He has been miserable for so long. He said he tried everything, when I told him I feel like he didn't try hard enough. He says the same about me. But I am not the one walking away.
This is so hard for me to accept I guess because I feel like I gave every single bit of myself. He says that my changes came to late. I look back and wonder if us getting married was even a good idea. I would hope not. We were very much in love, and young. We had kids young too. But, now, I have to accept this and move forward.
Things are moving so very fast. He asked for the divorce on 8/20, filed on 8/29, so I am still trying to soak things up. He is seeking joint custody, at 49% him and 51% me which would lock me into staying here where we live. I really have no idea what to do. I want to stay here, but have family and so much support in another state. I am afraid I may be staying in the hopes of a reconciliation. But he assures me that will never happen. He has hurt too much and so have I and to get back together would be crazy.
Our counselors say that yes, I have contributed. But, I take so much blame for the failure. My counselor said something to me, he said, "Through all of our sessions, all you asked of him was to be more loving and connect, and he would say he couldn't do that because everything he did was not right. But then you changed. You finally got what you had to do and you did it. Only, he didn't. It isn't ALL your fault. You tried everything. He kept that wall up because he feels he isn't capable of loving or being loved."
I see all this, but have a hard time letting go. I just do care for him so much and he knows that, but he just tells me he doesn't want it anymore. I changed too late. I said to him, You just aren't willing to forgive. He said, yeah, that may be it.
It is so hard to go through this. I want to have hope, but then again, don't want to because for so long I have hoped, but got this in the end. This was always my fear. I never thought he would leave me and our children, but he has.
He is no longer taking his medication. He said every since he left the house, he is happier and that he doesn't need them. Again, something he has said to me, "It is because of the marriage that I am on medication." He says he doesn't blame me, but everything he does say, it feels like it is ME.
Everything is happening so fast I just want to move forward and take care of my boys and do what is best for me now. I have to close the book on this chapter of my life and accept it. But don't know how to do it!
I miss him...Not who he is now, but who he WAS. I don't think I will ever see that again.
No, there isn't anyone else. This was all him calling it quits. He says he just wants to be happy. He says that ending the marriage is making him happy.
I dunno, I still just don't understand!!!!!
His close friends even said that they don't understand. But then again, they don't live our life. He is distant from everyone. He won't talk to his friends or his family. His dad tried to talk to him, but he just won't say anything. Simply, "We just can't live together!"
I don't know if I ever will understand. I don't know if anyone ever understands when they are going through a divorce. All I know is that I was a devoted wife, I loved him, cared for him and wanted him to love me back. But he couldn't, so, it has to end.
I pray. I know that God is mighty and powerful. I have to look at this as him rescuing me from a situation I was in for so very long! I have to quit blaming myself. That will get me no where.
Any advice??? Would love to hear it.
