I have been looking and have not found a situation similar to mine so I will post. We have been married for almost 6 yrs. She has 3 kids from a previous marriage and I have one. Everything was going great until about 10 months ago when I lost my job. I have had several jobs that have been failures and the one I lost (I was laid off indefinately due to lack of work) I thought I would retire from. Since that time I have not been able to find a good job. I have started school so that I can get a degree and have a better opportunity to find work. During this time my wife felt that I was putting alot of pressure on her and it has caused some distance between us. One day this week it all came to a head and we just decided to give up. We were angry and just wanted out. When we settled down we talked and realized and agreed that neither one of us has really been honest in the past about how we felt and also that neither one of us wants out and we are both still 110% committed to our marriage. We decided that when I find a job I would get an apartment and stay there sometimes. We are gonna make time each week to work on our marriage, we both feel that we just need to get back to the basics of why we are here in the first place. We have also tried to make our blended family be like an intact family and have found that it is a major source of frustration for both of us. We both still love each other and want this to work. My wife cried out for help a few months ago and I (like a moron) just didn't realize it so right now she feels that she is not ready to talk to counselors. I think that she believes we can work this out on our own as do I. Like I said, we are both confident that we will come out of this stronger and better than ever. Just looking to see if anyone has had similar experiences and what they did.

"We decided that when I find a job I would get an apartment and stay there sometimes."

How is that going to help the marriage, and bond your blended family? Separation, except in cases of abuse is always a mistake.

I think the basic issues you and your wife are facing are extremely common. The stresses of work and family have led both of you to negelct each other's emotional needs and now you have grown apart. This is classic stuff. Get and read Fall in Love, Stay in Love. At least read all of Harley's site. Luckily the fixes to your situation are relatively easy - no cheating or abuse. Read Harley's books and do what he says. He gaurantees success.

One thing he would advise you against is moving out. How is that going to improve your marriage? While doing so may make it easier to avoid negative interactions (lovebusters) it will make it much harder to meet each other's emotional needs and recreate the feelings of love and trust in your marriage. You both should identify the things you do that make each other feel bad and STOP them. You should also identify the things that you both do that makes each other feel great and DO them, alot. Pretty simple stuff, thankfully.

Do you know what your wife's emotional needs are? Does she know yours? Have you read much on Harley's site?

Good luck. Stick around and read a lot. I think you'll find the answer to your problems here.

PS - I would move your posts over to Emotional Needs as it gets a lot more traffic and this seems to be the topic you are looking for.

BWS

Just an update! First, thank you for your replies. We spent the weekend together and decided that I was NOT moving out. That that would just make it easier to give up. I am gonna give my wife more space to do what she wants to do. We realized that we have just been "stuck" to each other way too much and that just by giving each other a little space would help in a major way,ie the kids are in school and she wants to go shopping, she is going alone, unless of course we want to both go. My struggle i know will be that i always want to go. I am so excited that we have turned around and are heading in the right direction but I think that the time apart will take some getting used to. If anyone has any suggestions on how to make this easier, it would be greatly appreciated. Once again thanks for the posts. I will check in from time to time.

Hi rnj. I'm glad to hear that you are working on your marriage together. I understand that giving your wife some space will be difficult for you because you like to be with her. One thing I can tell you is that she will really appreciate your willingness to meet this need and you'll see results because she'll be happy to see you when she's had time to herself. Another positive thing for you is that you know she's committed so she's not off trying to decide how she's going to live her life without you - she's just taking some time to be in touch with who she is. That's good. Best of luck to you both.

thanks KLD, You're right it is difficult but this past week we have spend quite a bit of time apart during the days and the evenings have been really good. We have been talking to each other more in the last few days than we have in the last few months and even though we spend more time apart we somehow feel like we are getting closer. I believe we are on the right track. Thanks alot I will keep everyone posted.