Stop blaming yourself. It will only slower your recovery and give credit to the A.

If your D is unknowingly doing this to hurt the A, the best thing you c/d is let her let it happen. If she isn't the best thing you c/b for you is to let it happen. Either way the best thing is to let it take it's course.

Easy to say and hard t/d. If you need guidance during this time to have patience, call Steve or keep posting.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Practice your reverse babble and ask your existing supporters for help. They can take turns keeping you occupied and help you stay sane.

Hugz,
L.

I know I really have no choice but to let it go. I just don't want DD to end up more messed up. She went down the wrong path a few years ago, got past that, and I thought she finally had her head on right. Now living in that situation with ExH and OW, who knows how they will influence her?

I guess that is my greatest fear. I had control over her here. I knoew where she was, who she was hanging out with etc., etc. I don't know that now, and I guess that's what bothers me.

ExH was never a father. I honestly don't thik he has a clue how to be. OW is just a few years older than DD, so she has no clue either.

I want the best for my kid, but what kind of life is DD in for by living there!?

I remember feeling almost (my WXH didn't still have the OW in the picture) as hopeless as you do the last time two of my daughters left to go stay with WXH.

I want to assure you it does get better. By the time my two daughters came back home (two months later) I was kind of wondering why I had been so worried and upset.

The first week was the worst. I cried a lot and was basically grieving the loss. I remember one day I listened to The Power of Positive Thinking audio book 5 times! That helped me to stop the thoughts that were repeating in my mind (like 'you're no good', 'your husband didn't want you', 'your own kids don't want you', 'the OW is better than you'...)

And oh boy did my WXH gloat! When I tried to talk to him about how it made me feel he sounded as if he was taking great pleasure in my emotional pain. And my wayward daughters sounded just as heartless as WH! It really did not pay for me to seek any sympathy from them! So I had to learn really quickly to not tell them how I was feeling. about the situation.

I really couldn't handle talking to any of them for a while after that. I hardly ever called my daughters during that two months - just tried to sound pleasant when they called me.

But when they started asking to come back home I had to stand firm and not allow them to come back home without them understanding what they had done and what respect they would have to show me in my own home. They've been home about 5 months now and have given me very little trouble.

I think your daughter's IC may be right about your daughter's motive too. Only I doubt your daughter is even aware of it. The odds that your daughter and the OW will be able to continue to get along so well are very slim. Patience...

I am also having problems keeping quiet when my kids complain about the changes the adultery and divorce have imposed on us... but they seldom link the problems with the cause. They feel safe lashing out at me in frustration (because they know I won't dump them for a 'better' life). But I don't dare to point out the FACT that WH caused all this...sheesh!

I'm learning to simply require they treat me with respect and appreciation - period - without mentioning WH. It's not easy because youngest daughter's complaints are non-stop some days.

Hang in there. Come her for support and to vent.
Hug your son and go do something fun with him.

Thanks Mere,

That's EXACTLY how I feel. ExH didn't like living here, DD doesn't like living here, am I really that horrible to be around?! And I can bet everything I own that ExH is eating this up telling everyone...see even our own kid can't stand her...that's why I left her!

I'm not sure DD will even call me. She's pretty stubborn.

I really doubt she will be back. She wouldn't want to deal with having to change schools again, in her last year. Then she's off to college and living on her own.

I hope OW gets tired of all of this and just bails on ExH and DD. But them again, OW is only a few years older than DD, so they have alot in common and can be pals. I guess she's like a big sister to DD.

Yes, patience was never my strong suit. My father always used to tell me to wait it out. I never could. I want everything resolved NOW!

I am trying to concentrate on DS more. He's having it rough too.

I wish one day ExH will see all of the destruction he has caused!

Orchid: Expect her t/b messed up. She is fighting t/d so. You can't stop it so instead of letting it mess you up, get prepared so that if and when she comes to her senses you w/b strong enough to be there for her. She knows you love her but her selfish side (yea....she got bit from a rabid WS - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> )...... after she gets over this WS euphoria.... she will come to some of her senses and you should NOT placate her. She says she did wrong, agree and let her know you are willing to help her get better but will not enable her bad habits.


Orchid: Well therein lies what will attract and destroy the A. Remember the A virus is dependent on selfishness. Very strong selfishness on all sides. Unless he has $$ for everybody, this may be the straw that breaks the A's back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (picture this.... Orchid jumping up and down with her reverse babble skills and putting cracks in the A - LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> )

L.

Just spent time with DD. Went to the mall. It was very awkward. I felt like I was spending time with a total stranger. Conversation was forced.

Didn't talk about her living arrangements, ExH or OW. Talked mostly about her new school.

She said she's happy in school. Didn't mention any friends. I didn't ask. It kind of felt like she was trying to convince herself she was happy at the new school. Who knows, maybe she is.

She talked about graduation and the prom, soI guess she plans on being there the whole year. I was hoping she'd come to her senses and come back home.

She did mention ExH's apt. as "her house", so I guess she has accepted it as such.

I didn't ask her to come back, I didn't tell her she made a mistake, I just listened and that was it.

Should I have told her to come back home?! Maybe that is what she is looking for?

I felt like when ExH was a WH and a cake eater. I guess she plans on coming here once a week to visit with me. Maybe to get her "home" fill, like a cake eater would? Not sure what to think.

How do I handle her when I see her? As I said, she doesn't feel like my DD anymore.

Any advice?

Had to talk to ExH yesterday. He's being the perfect Dad now since DD is living with him and OW. Checking homework, calling the school to keep up with grades etc.

Can't DD see through him?

Catgirl,

I feel for your situation, I know it must feel HORRIBLE. A thought on this, a few replies back:



Yep, exactly. Same deal here.

I think there is something to the notion that DD being over there may cause some problemos with OW and their happy world. Be sure to come back and tell us when it occurs, I'll snicker with you!

I know it hurts, I have felt the same way with my DD. She is 16, and although she dislikes OM, she is often infected by the foggy mother of hers. See it for what it is and know who you are. (Who are you? The strong, confident, happy woman and NOT the adulterer.)

I firmly believe that passing accurate information to your DD is completely ok. It's when you do so without playing games and genuinely "matter of fact" that it is effective.

DD: Mom, I think they are having problems in their relationship.
YOU: Of course, dear. The overwhelming majority of illicit relationships like this often fail. (As in "Honey, I hope you know there is a HIGH statistical chance they won't last...don't get too attached to OW...)

I agree with the Plan A approach in this. I know it hurts, and you don't feel strong. You don't have to feel strong with DD, you just need to act it.

Best wishes,

Jay

Jay,

IC feels that DD IS doing this to create problems with ExH and OW. IC said what DD told her about how she felt re: ExH and OW, just doesn't fit with how she is acting now. IC feels it has nothing to do with me and all about maybe getting back at ExH. I'm not sure I agree with that though. Just found out that ExH and OW will be taking a little trip soon. So much for the end of the A!

DD used to say vile things about OW, now she loves her! Wish my DD was like yours and hated OP!

I agree with you in that I'm not the adulterer, but the rest of your sentence...strong, confident, happy...not too sure about that right now!

I pray that DD sees this for what it is and comes back home. So far, nothing doing.

You are stronger than you realize. Brave enough to put yourself out there and ask for advice and help. Pat yourself on the back for that!

Imagine a world where you feel strong, confident, HAPPY.
How much different would that world be from this one you are currently in? My money is on: Completely different. How do you think your ExH will react to a consistently strong, confident and happy Catgirl? (I think it have a BIG effect on him)

You don't have to be all these things right now. Just need to act em' while you work on becoming all of em'.




They always do. Give it time.

Thanks Jay,

I have yet to talk to anyone that does not think DD will come back home. I guess I just don't see it. She seems quite happy living with ExH and OW.

I'm just afraid that if she does come back home, it will be too late and the ExH and OW fog as they say, will contaminate her permanently!

i know this is easier said than done, but worrying is not going to do you any good. you cannot control her or what she does or thinks period. i know that is hard. i can't even imagine if my dd wanted to go and live with her father and ow.

we were riding in the car today after i picked them up from school and i see them waving at someone in a car... i was like who are you waving at? oh, ow.. yea, i'd rather they just ignored her, but what are you going to do? they do like her. they don't like what she did, but i am sure it is confusing for them because for the most part she is nice to them.

hang in there. keep it in prayer. pray for her and for her eyes to be opened. pray that your IC is right about this sitch.

hugs
mlhb

That's what DD said after "getting to know" OW while she's been living there.

She said she doesn't like what she did, but OW is a nice person now that she's gotten to know her. Yuck! This is the same DD that refused to be in the same zip code as OW. Called her names I can't even write here! Guess it helps her to like OW, in that they are close in age and OW probably acts like her big sis.

I just can't equate that in the same sentence. No "nice person" would go after a M man and kids! Not in my book at least!

I don't know if OW is nice to her as I haven't really asked about her and I don't want to know.

In my eyes OW will always be a wh$re!

and in my eyes, ow will always be the same thing as well. i just think it is only a matter of time before something blows up. my exes ow is not even old enough to be my children's mother either unless she was popping them out when she was about 15. they just think it is a fun game. they have no clue how to be a parent so they just try to be a best friend. exes ow just buys my kids whatever they want so they will like her. she has told my children lies that i have had to correct (like telling them she was never with their dad until he and i split up. i told my kids now guys you know better than that because daddy used to take you with him to spend time with ow when he still lived here. than they remember and i think that is hard for them).

teenage years are hard and confusing. i am sure she is one very confused young girl right now. just keep loving her and letting her know that door is open whenever she wants to come "home" (because your house is truly what is home, not his).

i know it is not fun. my kids are little. i have to hear sometimes how ow did this or said that, or got them this, or brought them here or there. there is nothing i can do about it. i just kind of nod and smile and try to make it go away. my sitch is hard as well because ow is quite the little psycho. she has been known to send me some real nasty emails and just recently she tried to sabotage my new business i was doing while i am finishing up college. so she is not a very nice person to me at all. 2 years out we should all be able to be adults and get along for the children, but that is what you get when you are dealing with immature narcissistic people. last xmas she sent me an apology email, last week she sent me one that basically said she hated me.

go figure. my mere existance drives her and my ex crazy. that's revenge enough for me. i plan to exist for a VERY LONG TIME....

mlhb

catgirl-

You are absolutely doing the right thing by doing Plan A with DD.

This is so very common for girls at this age. I've been around kids this age for more than 20 years (and survived my DD21's high school years) and can tell you this is very common for girls at this age. It is part of figuring out the woman they will be. When girls this age erupt at their moms, it is because they feel safe enough to do that with their moms. It doesn't make it feel any better for us moms though.

They are also very up and down about everything. They can be passionate and sure of one thing one day, and completely on another thing the next.

Even choosing to go live with dad is not uncommon. She wants to be her own "woman." But it won't last. Right now, everyone there is on their best behavior. Of course OW wants your DD to get along with her. Don't worry, the honeymoon will end. Your DD will most likely start to do the same thing to the main woman in the house she is living in now.

She most likely will want to come back to mom. At the time, you will need to find out if she can transfer her work done to a new high school without losing credit.

Hang in there. You are doing the right thing. And it does get better. The other day, my DD21 told her Aunt (who is going through the same kind of up/down stuff with her DD16) pretty much the same thing. At the end of her conversation she said "I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but it is normal for girls to do." Wow! Was I impressed.

Try ExH's OW popping them out when she was 10!

"I" could easily be OW's mother!!!

Both kids know ExH was living with OW before we got D'd, so that is not even an issue.

I don't know what is going on at ExH's house with DD, him and/or OW. DD does not talk about life there regarding her father and OW. She just tells me how great OW is, how she misjudged her etc. OW has never contacted me...yet. I doubt she ever will.

I heard DD in conversation, call ExH's house "her house". That hurt!

IC told me that if I thought living with OW in the same zip code was hard, she said that OW I'm sure finds it hard to have me in the same zip code too. I doubt that, but IC said she has counseled both sides of the coin, and she knows that it is not easy for the OW to have an ExW around. Good!

Like you said, that kind of revenge is good enough for me!

Continue making a good life for yourself and your family. Mark my words - the affair marriage won't last, and the "friendship" between your daughter and the OW won't last.

Your ex will take the OW's side on something, sooner or later, and your daughter will be furious.

Johnstwin,

I hope you are right. I so want DD back here. I just do not approve of ExH's living situation with OW. I mean DD is old enough to figure everything out, but still I'd like to have her around some kind of morally correct people, and her Dad and OW obviuously are not.

In an earlier post someone said that DD was like a traitor. That is still how I feel. She knew all the he## ExH put me through, let she pretty much slapped me in the face by going to live with him and OW and is now welcoming OW with open arms. I doubt ExH will want her to come back here. That will prove that DD didn't like living there and he has to be her hero and prove that he's better than me as a parent.

As I said, I'm not sure what is going on there, if OW is buying her or whatever. The way DD talks, she plans on finishing her school year there in ExH's city. Very sad as she left all her friends here.

Believer,

They aren't M yet, but I have a feeling it's coming. I doubt OW will be happy being a GF forever.

As I said ExH and OW are planning a trip. Maybe to elope?!

ExH's family has welcomed OW with open arms, so it's only time before he makes it offical.

As I said earlier, the OW potentially being my kids stepmother, when she isn't even old enough to biologically be a mother! Sick!

oh, it is sooo true that ow can't stand that we are in the same zip code!!! it is 2 years past my marriage ending and she still can't stand that he and i share children and have to have contact. she tried to sabotage my business, etc, recently as i said. trust me, if i could move to a different zip code i would... eventually god willing it will be in the cards. and when i go, my children go with me so that will be that. ow will be happy i am not around, but ex won't be happy that kids have left town. oh well... hehehehe

mlhb