My husband and I have been together for 11 years. Married for 5 years. We are both our first and only sexual intercourse partners.

Until a year or so ago I never realized how much my husband flirts with woman. It seems to only happen within the work atmosphere and when I am not around. This flirting has caused alot of problems within our relationship as well as his work. Too make a long story short knowing how he was at his job last year I ended up finding out that his manager(whom is not married) was trying to borrow money from him, and when he loaned it to her she did not pay him back for weeks, then she was pregnant and named her child after my 2 children, and when the baby was almost 1 yr old and was not walking yet she asked my husband to help her at her home with trying to get the baby to walk and of course my husband was all for helping her out. There has been this grudge between myself and his manager because of these reasons. I couldn't be in the same room as her and think good things...I was very nice and spoke with her but only if I had to. Anyway now my husband has switched jobs and is becoming a corrections officer. He is in the academy right now and the class consists of men and women. Well he had a study group the other night and didn't call me and let me know but left a note on the computer at home saying where he would be and if I needed him to call him. I triked to call him and he did not answer his phone several times. When he got home I asked where he had been till so late 11pm and he ignored me. After he had fallen asleep I could not sleep for 4 hours so at 3:30am I was upset that he would not talk with me and felt like something was going on. So I went looking in his clothes and his car. In the car I found a paper that had directions and a phone number and was written by a girl. I then found a note in his trapper keeper that looked like it was being passed back and forth during his class between him and a female. Talked about how bring the class was and then went on to him saying that he was getting nasty thoughts about a blowpop and a few more down said about getting drunk and the girl wrote back she would join him. When I asked him about this he said they were just bored and left it at that. Of course we fought about it becuase I beleived that he was flirting back and forth with this girl and he is married and should not be doing this.

Well tonight they had a bonding party. he said it was just for his squad to help them bond together and of course they were going to be drinking. Well he has been an occasional drinker but thats all. I asked if I could go with him and of course he replyed no....I asked him to call the girl holding the party and ask her if it was ok and he said he was not calling her because it is for squad only. I of course made him know that I did not approve and about 1 hour before he planned on leaving he got a call from the girl asking if he was still going. He replied yes and left the house at 7pm. He told me he would call me to let me know when he was heading home so I would not worry. It is almost 4am in the morning and he is still not home. I have tried to call him and he is not picking up his phone. I starting calling him every hour or 2 since 11pm. No answer except for the last call which was picked up and then hung up.

This is realy getting to me and I have been crying all day because of it. Should I be concerned. How else should I handle this. What else can I say besides I don't think it should be done because he is married and his reply that that is how he is.

PLEASE HELP!!!!

Welcome. You should be very concerned. Married people should not be attending "bonding" (read DRINKING) parties that last till 4:00AM. It sounds to me like he might be starting an affair.

Don't be angry and love bust him. Calmly tell him that this is very hurtful to you, and he needs to STOP communicating with other women and be at home with you. No more late night parties.

See what his response is.

Believer is right. This is suspicious.

First of all, if a woman needs help with children issues, she should talk to another woman first. Not because men don't know what to do, just to avoid forming a close relationship.

Second, they should never be alone, and your husband should be home by ten.

Thirdly, if it is something that he only does when you aren't there, it is wrong. The way he acts towards women other than you should be the same 24/7.

You are in the right place. Best of luck to you.

Citigirl, take your post to the emotional needs forum. There is a whole lot more traffic there than here and you are bound to get more responses.

In the meantime, it seems like your H is intentionally hurting you emotionally by his conduct. I do not think it has to do with the fact that you were only intimate with each other and no one else in your lives. It sounds like his EN are not being met so he is looking to fulfill them elsewhere.

What I would do in your situation is to sit him down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell him his conduct is hurting you. It is not acceptable and you will not stand for it. Ask him why he feels he needs to flirt and ask him if he realizes that his flirting is detrimental to your M. Ask him if he is unhappy with your M and why. Suggest counciling. Ask him how he would feel if you flirted with other men.

He seems to have a reason to flirt. Your job is to find out what that reason is and to put an end to it.

Best of luck.

AB.