I have been reading some of your posts and am finally grateful to attempt making contact with people that can understand me. I'm not computer-savvy - so please bear with me. I hope I can get through to somebody!!

I am the mother of four young children (9,7,4 &2) and in the last nine months have suffered the devastating effects of my husband's infidelity and now the birth of his child outside of our marriage. While I was pregnant with our fourth child I began to sense my H distancing himself from me - I also noticed his strong attachment to our close friends especially the wife. He denied that anything was going on, stating that I was over-reacting. She caught wind of my concerns and called and apologized saying she would completely back off. My H and I started marriage counseling - although he never committed to working on our marriage. Our counselor has clearly noted that. He kept saying that he saw no hope. He lied to our counselor about his involvement with OW.

On Dec. 12,2006,(a year later) H took me out and finally revealed the truth - claiming that I did not deserve this - I held his hand and tried to console him - then he told me that she was pregnant and that he had very strong feelings for her. It turns out that he was "forced"into telling me as her husband found out and immediately exposed the affair.

Our children are were very close friends, we attended the same church (the story gets worse - my husband was the associate pastor!) and our children attend the same school, two of the (my daughter and her son) even were in the same class and sat across from eachother.

What a mess!! Talk about desperate housewives!! Anyways, OW opted to stay with her husband (I see both she and her husband often at the school playground, at the store, or around the community often -although I have not spoken to her.

My husband put in a court order that I can not move out of the area. H has moved out as of Dec., and now resides in a basement suite 25houses down the street from me and the kids. He states that he knows the affair was wrong, but our marriage wasn't working and he couldn't authentically be himself and stay in the marriage. He claims he has repented, but that does not have to mean reconciliation - His God would not want him to be unhappy and remain in a marriage that didn't work.

The baby(girl) has nw been born and is two months old - OW has opted, at least for nw to remain with her husband and her husband and mine meet at the corner tennis courts for a "trade-off" of the baby for an hour a couple of days a week. I feel so sorry for this child, and I am so saddened that my H won't allow things to be left alone and allow his former best friend (the OW'S H) to raise the baby. I keep praying that the other family would move out of the area - my children, though they know the circumstances, don't need to be constantly exposed.

My husband is now fighting for 50%custody of our children, and wants equal division of the assets, including, I believe his share of the equity from our home - more stabbing me in the back and more heartache.

I have offered reconciliation - he makes no response. He wants to be friends and make it as good as possible between us for the sake of the kids - but with no marriage strings attached. So far she has been keeping up her end of the bargain with her husband and extended family to not see my H, but to let her H deal with mine when it comes to the OC.

My children and I want H to come home and to try to make our marriage work. I have read everything from James Dobson's tough love approach, to Mort Fertel, to Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair". Now I have bought "His needs Her needs" and have stated reading that.

In no way should H blamed as the sole one responsible for our marriage failure - I have many love buster issues that need to be worked on. But his solution to have an affair and then walk away I do not believe is a healthy solution...

I've read a little bit about plan A and plan B but wondered about some help with devising a healthy and "best chance" plan A. The affair is no longer going on, due to her choice...at least not for now... I do believe she is genuine...however, I fear that my H is waiting in the wings for a shot at being with her. I don't want to see another family broken - and I certainly fear her becoming my precious children's step -mom.

It's 12:20a.m. and I am so tired. But I wanted to get this out tonite - I am really yearning for support and help. a couple more details before I go to bed... I am a christian, as I mentioned before my husband has been a pastor(youth and associate) for nine of our eleven year old marriage. He has, unfortunately, "rewritten our history" to suit his claim that it was never a good marriage - I remember otherwise. I know that I have grounds for divorce - but I would rather see a reconciliation process - I don't believe divorce is what God would ultimately desire for our family. I believe divorce will be difficult on the kids and our circumstances surrounding it would make it even more so. He has served me with papers (early August) but states that he's not in a hurry to divorce but because he can't afford to support two households and wants more time with the kids he filed merely "to get us to the table to talk". My inlaws have also been very difficult.

Lot's more to say ...ran out of "steam". Advice, support and prayers are welcome - I'm am in a spiritual battle I truly believe - please pray that God softens my H's heart and gives me the strength to make the necessary changes in my life. Pray that God plants the desire back in his heart to be with me, and pray that I will have the courage to bring an environment to help his desire grow.

Still praying for a miracle.
roxy6

can you help, please? single choice
	child/pregnancy
	infidelity
Votes accepted starting: 09/01/07 02:48 AM
View Results

Hello neighbor to the north! I am so sorry you are here, but it's a great place to be in these times.

Please know that there are many here who will be able to guide you, as they have helped me. When I found out about my XH's EA, this place helped me realize I wasn't crazy. I should let you know that my XH was a youth pastor (2nd career) who had an EA with a volunteer youth worker 20 years younger, which cost him his job. There's more to that story, but it isn't important now.

Your WH has conveniently put God in his own box while re-writing your M history. God has never said He wants us to be "happy". What He said is He wants us to have an abundant life. And He knows the best way to make this happen is to follow His word. That's where we find His plan for us. He mapped it out in both the Old and New Testament.

Also, God never goes against His word-or His character. So, when He said "don't commit adultery" He won't say "just kidding!" like an indulgent parent because He wants the adulterer to be "happy." He knows that isn't the way to true happiness.

In Malachi, God tells the Israelites that He doesn't hear their prayers because of their unfaithfulness-that they have broken their covenant with the wife of their youth and He is the witness (accuser) of this breach of the covenant.

You are in a spiritual battle, but God is on your side.

I would encourage you to read everything on this site, starting with how to survive infidelity. Things are slow on week-ends and it's a holiday in the states so don't be discouraged if you don't get too many responses this week-end. I would post your story on General Questions where there is more traffic.

Hang in there-I will be gone Sat and Sun, but I plan to check up on you.

Dear Roxy,

Some of the best people in the world look at this very forum. The low volume of traffic should not discourage you. Many women who have walked in your shoes will see this post in the next few days and reach out to you. Just hang in there.

WH's can come around, but your H is clearly all fogged up.
I am not sure if this will give you any hope but a year and a half ago I finally spilled the beans to my W about knocking up another woman in an A that lasted 4 years.

Guess what, I'm still with my W! Ask a few here, I was pretty out there. (some may still think I am :-))

My real point is this; It ain't over by a long shot!
He will babble all kinds of nonsence, rewrite history, and even put words in GOD's mouth. It's the typical MO of most waywards, including myself at one time.

In this battle, God is clearly on YOUR side.

When Kimmy, Faith, E, and a few other see your post, they can talk about what to do, Just hang in there. Help is on the way.

TH

Hello Roxy and welcome to MB. I am so sorry you find yourself here and in this particular situation. An OC makes an affair even more devastatingly painful. First question: Is your WH still associate pastor at your church? If so, please tell me why your church is condoning his affair? Has DNA been done to establish paternity? I question why OWH is allowing your WH contact with the OC if he is going to raise OC. I also would guess based on your WH's continued bad behavior that he and OW are still in C in some manner. Is there anyway for you to see his phone records? Keep posting, we are here for you.

Roxy, sorry more questions relating doing Plan A. What have you specifically identified as behaviors you contributed to the state of your marriage? I am in NO WAY blaming you for your WH's choice to have an A, but we all have improvements we can make. I would also suggest you not be begging or pleading for him to come home. You may need to look like your are preparing to move on with your life. Do not help with the D and do not allow him to sell your home. Is he paying CS for OC? Is he paying you support?

If you don't want a divorce, refuse to cooperate in any way. Hopefully you can drag out the process.

Is your husband still a pastor? I hope not, and that you have exposed the affair to your church.

What you need to be doing now is working on yourself. Start changing whatever your husband didn't like BEFORE the affair.

Roxy...

First and foremost, I am praying for you and your family.

Faithful asked some very good questions that I'd like to know the answer to, as well.

Breathe my friend.

Eibrab

thank-you so much for your responses and encouragements. Last night I responded to faithful's questions but I must have responded in the wrong place - I am not good at computers...been changing diapers for the last nine years!!! I'll try and retrieve what I wrote, otherwise I'll write again!!

hey there...this is my third attempt to respond to your questions - I've wriiten a ton of stuff and then somehow managed to lose it all somewhere in the big bad world of computers. I am at a friend's house trying to figure how to do this and then when I get home tonite I'll try and get through again.

roxy6

p.s. thanks for all of your encouragement!

roxy
A quick tip: Type your post into a wordprocessing file. Then, when you've written your post out just the way you want it, copy and paste it into the Reply space. Don't just type your response directly into the reply space. If you spend a lot of time on your response, the page will "time out," and you won't be able to submit your post.