I suspected for the past 3 months something was going on. I've collected cell phone records of phone calls to the OW where he would leave home saying he had a work related thing going on and as soon as he was out the driveway her nubmer would be on there. They have had conversations up to an hour in length. We don't even talk that long on the phone!

Yesterday while he was in the shower I checked his voice mail on his cell phone. BTW, he has been extremely protective of that phone--won't let it out of site. He lets messages go to voice mail then checks them when he's outside and calls her back.

Anyway, there was her voice--so sickening. "Hi sweetheart, just wanted to let you know I made it to Virginia, not where I want to be. Thank you for today I appreciate it."

I confronted him. He denied it at first. Then he said he had just checked the fluids on her car since she was taking a long trip--right.

He begged me not to leave him and began crying. I'm not sure what to do with him at this point. Most of me wants to kick his butt out, but I do love him at the same time. I've been with him over 18 years. We have a 17 year old son.

1st thing, trust your instincts, he is having an affair.

2nd thing, purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley, founder of this site.

Be patient, as these forums are really slow on weekends... you might want to copy/paste to General Questions II, as it is much busier than "just found out".

Sorry you've found a need to be here... but it's a great place to get the knowledge and support you need in such a time.

Deephurts - your husband IS having an affair.

YOU have two choices; 1) divorce him or, 2) attempt to recover your marriage.

HE has two choices; 1)end ALL contact with this Other Woman for the rest of his life or, 2) get a divorce.

HE does NOT get to choose Recovery as one of his choices. He can choose to attempt recovery ONLY if that is what you want to try and ONLY if he accepts that YOU are "in control" of the recovery and what is needed. He "called the shots" without your knowledge, consent or approval in his CHOICE to commit adultery and you, if Recovery is attempted, get to "call the shots" and he has to consent. Anything short of his doing everything in his power to do what you need in order to recover means that he chooses "option 2" of his choices.

Simply put, there is NO room in any marriage for any 3rd person. That is your right to expect and HIS vow to you when you married. He has broken his vow, the covenant of marriage, and effectively ended your marriage when he chose adultery. So what will he choose now?

He just called me, and we got into it again over this. He's acting like I should just let it go and forgive him for everything. Not likely. He is still begging me to stay with him. He said Monday morning he will get a new phone number and not ever contact her again. He said he has deleted her phone number from his cell memory. I'm sure he hasn't deleted it from his mind though.

I don't want to think of myself as divorced, but I don't know how I could ever trust him again.

Deephurts - the "good news" is that you CAN trust him again.

The "bad news" is that trust is dependent upon 2 main things; the passage of time and the efforts your husband is committed to making in order to EARN your trust.

What he does not seem to understand is that "blind trust" is now gone forever. You get "one chance" at "blind trust," and infidelity of any kind destroys that sort of trust because they have PROVED that they can't be trusted "blindly" or without meriting trust by earning it through trustworthy behvior.

I would strongly suggest that you get a copy of Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley and read it. When you are done reading it, give it to your husband so he can read it. Then you will both have a better understanding not only of affairs, but how to recover from affairs and rebuild a marriage.




"Deleting" memories is virtually impossible. But how one "thinks" of someone is a "horse of a different color." That is where "fond memories" CAN be erased and replaced by a real perspective of just what sort of woman cheats with a married man.

But all of this takes time. You need to know and understand, and accept if you choose recovery, that the AVERAGE recovery from infidelity takes 2 years. So this is not for the "faint hearted" and requires a commitment not only to "change" but to WORK at recovery.

Here's one example: "He's acting like I should just let it go and forgive him for everything."

There is no "just let it go" in recovery. A tremendous harm was done, on purpose and with willful intent, BY him. Forgiveness IS something that you can, and should do, if he is truly repentent and not just "sorry he got caught."

How will you know if he's truly repentent? He will agree to your requirements for recovery. Mark my words, one of the areas that he is not likely to agree to at first is that of Openness and Honesty.

He needs to be an "open book" to you whereby you can check up on him anytime you feel the need to be reassured that what he's been telling you is true. THAT helps to earn trust back, which is vital to a good recovery and to a "newer and better marriage" when you reach Recovered.

The book I mentioned will talk about many things, among them "Extraordinary Precautions." That's part, too, of rebuilding trust and not just preventing another affair.

In the meantime, read all the Articles, etc., on the main MB website, not just the Discussion Forums. Get all the knowledge you can as quickly as you can as it will help you immensely.

For example, you both need to know what Disrespectful Judgments are and how to avoid them. You need to know what "Love Busters" are and how to avoid them.

Keep posting, and when you are ready for more input from more members of MB, move your posting to the General Questions II forum where there is much higher traffic.

God bless.

"He's acting like I should just let it go and forgive him for everything."

He is just acting like they all act. Don't expect him to realize how badly he has hurt you and damaged your trust. That will come later.

Ask him to write a no contact letter. It should say that he loves you and is going to be working on your marriage, and wants no contact with her ever again, for any reason. The you send it.

It sounds like you have him over a barrel right now. Don't let him off the hook. I want you to think hard and create a list of conditions that he needs to live up to if you don't divorce him.

1) NC w/ OW for life
2) Complete transparency, honesty, and accounting for time
3) Marriage Counseling
4) FULL disclosure of EVERY detail of the affair that you want
5) Disclosure of the affair to close friends and family so there are more people to hold him accountable if he strays again.
6) No opposite sex friends
7) No overnights stays without you

Other things I would recommend are IC, post-nup, etc.

I would get info on OW and expose to her family (or H if she is married) to keep her from trying to contact your WH again.

Your WH is going to try and manipulate you to get the fewest consequences for his actions. Decide what you want from him and stick to your guns. If you let him off easy, he'll do it again.

I made him call her on speaker phone while I listened. He told her not to call him or contact him ever again and not to leave messages on his phone.

He is going tomorrow to have his number changed, and I plan to block her number from his phone. I found out I can do that through Alltel. I may also put a recorder in his truck at random times just to make sure he isn't trying to contact her someway.

Unfortunately, with his job he has to be away several nights per week. However, he has a position where he only works with other men now, and he is 200 miles away from where the OW works now when he goes out of town. I plan to call him at all different hours to check on him.

I don't now how to get info on the OW to see if she has family or not. I wonder if I send an anonymous email to her supervisor if that will do anything. Any opinions on this one?

Nothing is more useless than an anonymous call. Just call them up and tell them who you are and what she has done (if they met through her work). What are you ashamed of?

I'm ashamed this has happened to our marriage. I'm horribly ashamed of him as a person with lack of character. He was very respected in his job. I just don't want his friends/coworkers saying he has a crazy wife.

cause you know that we are all ashamed, right wrong or indifferent, there are times I still hold that record in shame. I remember running into someone that was around back then when my H had the A's. It was hard to look this person in the eyes, Why? I don't really know, it's just there. How sad for us sometimes.

Who cares what they think of you? Would you rather think you were sane while he continues to sneak around with OW? Don't shield him from the consequences of his actions. If every person who committed a felony got no jail time, there would be a lot more felonies committed. I bet you will find out that his coworkers don't think that he has a crazy wife, but rather that he is a cheating ******.

Most people aren't thinking about us.

They are thinking about themselves.

Don't worry about being ashamed. Most of the time, people are so self-centered, they never give someone else much thought at all.

The gossip about you...will last about a minute. One minute of shame for you. That's about as long as it takes to go through the drive-up window at McDonald's. Then, everyone else moves on to stroking their own ego again.

Remember that.

Hold your head up. YOU did nothing wrong.

The OW? She should be ashamed.

Your H? He should be ashamed.

YOU? Not.


SB

Deephurts,



Do you have her first and last name? If so, go to www.intelius.com , put her name and state in the appropriate places. Quite often along with her name, relatives list. When I put my name in, my H's name and 2 of our children list in the relative section. To get any other info you would have to pay, but this will hopefully give her H's name if she is married.

I just tried another search and put my H's name in. His mother's, father's and sister's names all listed under the relative section. It certainly is worth a try and is free.

If you get a name, go to www.zabasearch.com. You should be able to get her address or that of any relatives by putting in a name and state.

The phone # you have is it a cell number or a home #? If it's a home number do a reverse number lookup.

Just some suggestions for things to try.

Good luck.

LC

Deephurts, I'm dying to know....HOW do you block a number on an Alltel phone? I've asked before and they told me it wasn't possible.
Thanks