It is time for the Christian community to say no to divorce and yes to marriage—yes to a marriage covenant that lasts for a lifetime.
At some of my speaking engagements in recent years in which most of the people in the audiences are Christians, I have asked, "How many of you have ever seen a marriage covenant?" Usually one person in about three hundred will raise a hand. Then I ask, "How many of you have seen a prenuptial agreement?" As many as one in four raise their hands.
Order Ministering to Twenty-First Century Couples by Dennis Rainey
This sums up a problem we face. Reverence for the sacred, lifelong commitment of marriage has been replaced in our popular consciousness by a cynical pragmatism that assumes many marriages are doomed to fail. We have "dumbed down" marriage so that as a commitment between people it's about one notch above a car loan. In fact in most states it is easier to end a marriage than to get out of a car loan.
It's time to replace the "D" word—divorce—with the "C" word—commitment. We need to eliminate the "D" word from our vocabulary in our families.
Keeping the Vision Alive But ironically, in spite of the cultural pessimism about marriage, people long for a married love that lasts. And this is exactly what the church has to offer—a plan from the very Creator of marriage on how to make love endure "as long as we both shall live."
Although staying committed in marriage has become difficult for so many people, affection for the institution of marriage remains intense. A Louis Harris survey conducted in the late 1990s among American college students found that 96 percent of them either wanted to marry or were already married, and 97 percent agreed with the statement, "Having close family relationships is a key to happiness."1
The problem is that the vision of a lifelong, satisfying marriage doesn't hold up for many hopeful couples. How can the Christian community keep this vision alive? I think a significant part of the answer rests with the restoration of a high view of the marriage commitment. It is time for churches to step forward and become guardians, protectors, and enforcers of the marriage covenant. But that is not enough. We must also speak the truth about divorce. God spoke clearly when He said in Malachi 2:16, "I hate divorce." Divorce breaks the sacred promise between two people and God Himself, and it also interferes with the propagation of godly offspring (2:15).
This generation is the most "divorced" generation of young people in the history of our nation. It's time we told the truth about divorce. Divorce is bad for a person. It's bad for a child. Bad for a family. Bad for a church. And bad for a nation.
It's time for radical action. It's time for the church to stop allowing the bully of divorce to wreck Christian marriages at a higher percentage rate than those of nonbelievers!
Elevating the Marriage Covenant in the Local Church How can church leaders elevate the deep meaning of marriage, as opposed to just adding another ceremony or piece of paper that has grand sentiment but doesn't change how we view the world or influence our behavior? Here are seven ideas to consider.
Keep Your Own Covenant Pastors and other church leaders must vigorously work at keeping their own marriage vows. Every leader must realize that many others are watching to see if his ways match his words. Keeping one's vows doesn't mean simply avoiding getting a divorce. It means caring for and cherishing your spouse. It means doing what you have promised.
Teach the Sacredness of Marriage to Your Children As your children grow up and marry, etch on their souls the sacredness of their marriage vows and their covenant. Instruction and exhortation concerning marriage needs to begin early. Don't wait until your child starts dating or is engaged.
Preach the Fear of God The number-one reason we have lost the sacredness of the marriage covenant is that we have lost the fear of God. If we do not fear Him or our accountability to Him, then what is there to cause us to keep our vows? Fearing God is a preventive action. "By the fear of the Lord one keeps away from evil" (Proverbs 16:6). We need to emphasize the character of God and that He is to be feared.
Call Others to Fulfill Their Marriage Covenants Abraham Lincoln said, "To sin by silence when one should protest makes cowards of men." We should strongly encourage couples to sign a marriage covenant and to have it witnessed at their wedding. I also suggest that churches schedule an annual marriage-covenant Sunday service in which couples face each other to repeat their vows and are given the opportunity to sign a marriage covenant if they have not done so before. Ideally this should be done throughout America and the world on the same Sunday each year.
Join with Other Churches to Elevate the Marriage Covenant Churches in communities throughout America are uniting, especially through the efforts of the Marriage Savers organization (see
www.marriagesavers.org on the Internet). At a minimum, no couple should be allowed to get married in a church facility or receive the wedding services of a pastor if they are unwilling to go through the church's required marriage preparation course. The same denial of opportunities and services should apply to any couple with a prenuptial agreement.
Wedding Vows Traditionally church denominations have exerted fairly tight control over the wording of marriage vows. This is still the case in many churches, but the independent spirit of the age has resulted in more couples writing their own vows. Set firm boundaries on what may be included in wedding vows in your church. For certain, never allow the incredibly sentimental and dangerous phrase in a wedding vow, "as long as we both shall love." Why not consider making the signing and witnessing of marriage covenants a standard part of each wedding ceremony?
Practice Loving Church Discipline in Response to Covenant Abuse or Breaking We will never be able to restore respect for the marriage covenant if we refuse to discipline those who threaten to become covenant breakers (divorce with no biblical grounds) or who habitually are breaking their vows through adultery, abuse, or abandonment. Should the church do nothing while people break up what God has joined together? We need to lovingly admonish those who are committing such acts.
Hit a Spike!Peachtree Christian Church, in Atlanta, has hosted an annual "Wedding Bells" ceremony on the second Sunday of each January to honor marriage. Each year all the married couples stand during the service and recite and renew their vows. Peachtree's current pastor, Jim Collins, said, "The idea is that as we begin a new year, we identify our priorities and make resolutions. For those who are married, we make one of the priorities recommitment to each other and renewal of their vows. The service is a reminder of the church's collective responsibility to recognize and support marriage as a covenant instituted by God." Thousands have participated in this service. What a statement on marriage to make to multiple generations!
Currently there are approximately three hundred thousand churches in America. What if just 10 percent of them decided to host a similar annual service calling people back to the priority of their marriage and family? I believe that in less than a decade we would see the divorce rate slashed in half.
The nation is desperate for the church to take the lead in restoring the grandeur of marriage. Our society is looking for help to save our families. In volleyball terms it's as if the culture is giving the church a set for a spike. The church has been given a stepladder, and the ball hangs suspended about six inches above the net. The question is, Do we have the courage to spike it?
I pray that we do. The future of the family depends on it. Notes 1. "Generation 2000:A Survey of the First College Graduating Class of the New Millennium," conducted in 1997-98 by Louis Harris and Associates, for Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, 8, 11.
Adapted by permission from Ministering to Twenty-First Century Families, © 2001 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Word Publishing, a division of Thomas Nelson, Inc.
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