jcool,
Boundaries are not boundaries if you say you won't tolerate something, and then you do.
If he does not want to respect my boundaries but he does not want to break up the M either, what do I do?
Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too....typical wayward mentality. In order to enforce a boundary....you have to be willing to give up the outcome. You make a decision about what you want to do, what you will tolerate....you seek to control only yourself. You protect yourself. WSs don't honor boundaries....that's why they're waywards. A wayward may "not want to break up the marriage" (passive), but they aren't ready to work on it either (active). You can't count on him to respect your boundaries....you must enforce them.
Between comfort and discomfort there is a alot of realestate. Long before something becomes intolerable, you may feel some discomfort. For instance....people have a certain amount of physical space that they feel comfortable with. If someone invades their space (moves too close), they start to feel uncomfortable....but there is a critical boundary where if someone else gets too close...they become SO uncomfortable that they will either push that person away, or move away themselves. To me, that's the actual boundary....the place where it becomes intolerable and is no longer negotiable. The space between tolerable(((((, okay, barely tolerable, almost intolerable))))) and too intolerable continue....is where all of the negotiation room exists. The boundary is where the negotiation room ENDS.
Some boundaries for you might look like this:
I am unwilling to share my husband with another woman.
I am unwilling to be an unhappy participant in a emotional triangle any longer.
The only people I consider friends, and welcome in my marriage, must also be friends of my marriage.
But as you think of these boundaries.....what are you prepared to do to enforce them?
