new here, never posted

3 years ago I was a 38 year old with an autistic child of 12. My life has been hard. I gave up a lot to work with my son and help him all I could, he made progress finally. My marriage was not great..so many stressors, but we trudged on.

Then I got pregnant again, unplanned. At first I was kinda excited.. I wanted to know what it was like to have a normal child.. to be called mama and hugged.. Went through post partum depression. I should have gotten help but didn't. As my second son grew..it became obvious he was autistic too. I kinda snapped.. withdrew from everything.

Met this guy, a soldier home recovering from the war in Iraq. Got very involved with him online. He said he loved me, wanted to take me away from all my pain... promised me so many things. He visited me once. We stayed on the porch, I did kiss him, but nothing more (I was on my porch for pete's sake... husband is convinced I'm lying about this, I'm not).

So.. stupidly made plans to leave with him a few weeks later. Told husband everything, packed my bags. Except GI Joe never came. My mother and sister turned thier backs on me. Wouldn't let me stay for even one night. Shelters wouldnt take me because I was not abused. I had to crawl back and ask for shelter. He let me in, and beat the crap out of me. I deserved it, I guess.

It's been a year since then. I feel dead inside. I'm afraid all the time. He's cruel, verbally abuses me, tells me I'm garbage. I am. I know that.

I have no money.. no way to leave. But I can't live like this anymore. I'm sorry he was hurt, but I will not grovel and be his dog to kick for the rest of my life, either.. He deserves to go find some decent woman. All I want is to go away- one way or the other.

I don't have any friends, and my family doesn't care- they think I'm garbage too.

I just want to die so this all will end.

I expect you'll say 'get counseling'. We're poor, and have no child care for our autistic toddler. Honestly, I'm not up for getting beat up in counseling for all my transgressions. As of right now, I feel nothing for my husband but fear.

Go to a shelter. You surely are being abused now - they should take you.

Your reason to stay alive, are your respect for your life and that of your children.

You say your H beats you and verbally abuses you. As BK suggested, go report it. He may be a hurt BS but that is no reason for violence. Your local police and women's shelter should be able to lend you support.

Go to the library and check out the following books:

Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr. Harley.

You have many reasons to live. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Ditto Orchid.

those who know me here, know my strong stand against spousal abuse...but come on...does this man belong in jail??? I think not. She said he hit her once...but I suspect there is more to that than meets the eye based on her story.

Did your H have a history of abuse? If so, I would suggest reporting it. If not, I would stop making excuses and find a way to start improving your life. It is not for strangers on a board to try and help you when you won't help yourself. I mean you have all the built in reasons in the world for not going to counseling so what do you expect to accomplish....OBVIOUSLY you need to go.

I am sorry about the raw deal you have gotten by having two autistic children....although they are certainly a blessing too. But YOU need a reason to live...well, let me tell you as a parent...YOUR reason to live is those two children that need you very much. They don't need a mother that is ready to run off with some man she barely knows and leave them and their father behind. You need to stop feeling so friggin sorry for yourself and realize that the children are the MOST important thing in your life. If that doesn't get you through the days when you feel bad...I don't know what will.
Now to your husband. He wasn't just "hurt." He was raped and abused by you. What have you done to make things better. While I do not agree that you should have to be beat... do you really think he would suffer the humiliation that you put him through and then when all of your other options as to where to go were exhausted..you returned to him..that he wouldn't be angry and say some pretty hurtful things???? I mean did you return home as his wife or someone that needed a place to live because soldier boy didn't come through???
Today you can start taking ownership of your life and the mistakes that you made. Obviously there are some serious issues with you that cannot be addressed on a public forum. You should start by doing everything you can to repair the relationships with your family. Yes, you have screwed up and perhaps they do not wnat you around because of it....but it is up to you to change and to exhibit those behaviors. The first step is to stop feeling sorry for yourself and to access the situation honestly. What is the abuse you are dealing with now???? I have heard that word used so, so many times when no abuse was present. So, what exactly are you dealing with today???

If you are being physically abused I suggest you go to a shelter immediately. If not, I suggest you get yourself some help and fight to help heal your BH too. Try and look at this from his perspective for a bit.

and taking responsibilty would also include going to a hospital if you feel suicidal at the moment.

or call 911.

Hello,
I know the difficulty of ensuring the growth and development of a child with autism. I only have one, but I know of other families who have two children dx with autism. It sounds like you had success with your older child. Those young years can be extremely difficult and can cause major stress in a marriage.

Do you feel your toddler is progressing? Is he receiving early intervention services? Have you been evaluated for anti-depressants? Are there any services in your community such as respite? Do you have a case manager for your children?

Does your family provide you with any support or assistance with your children? What is your support group like? Do you have any friends? It does not sound like you and your H are able to support each other through this very difficult time. Certainly while your child is young, depending on where he is on the autistic spectrum, life can be pretty challenging. Does he sleep at night? Is he busy trying to escape out windows or doors? He needs a lot of stimulation and teaching. Are you and your H able to work together on that?

Do you know of a local psychiatrist who has a good reputation diagnosing autism? It should be someone who is understanding of best practise for children with autism--use of applied behavioral analysis. You could consider going to someone like that and asking them for their opinion on good local family counseling.

You need help, but you need someone who truly understands the challenges you and your family face.

I doubt this event turned a model husband into a cruel abuser. We have tons of men here who have suffered betrayal and never beat their wife. Was he abusive BEFORE the affair?

From Penalty Kill


Describe "not great".


If you're not using birth control, I suggest that you find a reliable method now. The last thing you need is another "unplanned" pregnancy.


You have my sympathy - to a point. Two autistic children is quite a lot to handle. There are agencies out there that will help you and your children. Have you looked into them?


Were you planning on taking your children? Just so you know, when someone says that they had decided to leave their marriage while maintaining that they haven't had sex w/the person with whom they are leaving, my bull$h!t meter goes off. Perhaps your H feels the same way.


Why did you deserve it? I'm seriously interested in your answer.


You sound to me like someone who has long been comfortable with a pattern of abuse, from family of origin to husband. You can either stay beaten down, or you can take action. Your choice. But you do have a choice.


Please stop pitying yourself for a minute and assess your situation with a rational eye. I work for an agency that helps women like you, so I know that you have options. Every day that I go to work I see women who are doing the best that they can with limited resources.


Why don't you have any friends? That's a question worth exploring....There are groups out there for the parents of autistic children. Why haven't you joined those groups? You seem to have isolated yourself....except for this soldier person.

From where I sit, it seems to me that both you and your H are responsible for the situation in which you find yourselves.


Well that's just stupid and thoughtless and selfish. The only thing that will end will be you. If your H is so abusive, you're willing to let him be with your children?


So stop with the excuses as to why you can't do anything and get out. Do you go to church? There are agencies run through religious organizations that help people like you. If you got busy with a plan to leave and to make something of your life and the life of your children that might take away some of the gloom and doom that is invading your thoughts.

Read strivin4betters thread.

PK

Here's my take from the original post.

The H was not involved in the care of the children. Maybe he is taker more than a giver even with his children. Possibly sort of embaressed his children have a handicap and takes that out on his W. So she may have been abused longer than she has stated.

These are reasons to have an A so in that factor she was wrong NOT to seek proper help. I understand his anger with her in that manner but he can channel that anger and disappointment with help from a good MC (recommend Jennifer C @ MB) or an MC in their area who is familar with MB principals.

Now on the topic of even the one incident. I can tell you that if the police were to witness it, he w/b in jail. So even if this is the only incident, it still warrants a call.

What did the children see? How are they feeling? This may traumatize them greater due to their condition and that would not be good.

What I do see is for both parents to get help so that they c/b a family.

JMHO,
L.

Wow. Suprised a bit at some of the responses. Some seem pretty venomous. This was a bad idea maybe.

He was only physically abusive that one time. The rest is name calling and yelling. I'll suck it up and deal with it.

We almost divorced long ago, after the diagnosis of our first son. He was very crushed and frightened over the whole thing. Would say he didn't want to come home anymore. We had counseling that patched things together over that crisis time.

*tries to think of other questions you guys asked*

My toddler -is- receiving early intervention services. IMO it made the difference with my oldest, that, plus me quitting my job to stay home full time. He needed me. And I'm so proud of what he's achieved. But it was hard.. he'd shriek constantly.. bang his head against the wall.. lots of hard years in there. If I am able to marshal my resources I can do it again for my toddler. My family is somewhat ashamed and or skittish around my kids. We never ever had a babysitter. No one would do it.

I have sucked as a mother during this three year long depression. The house has fallen into disorder, spend more time off crying then being with the kids. But I do love them dearly and want them to be happy, I want my husband to be happy too. Isn't the only honorable thing to do is to hope he finds someone who isn't...well, me? I'll never live down this taint. And he'll never feel any better about it. He's only gotten angrier over the past year.

Yeah.. he doesn't believe me about the no sex thing either, but I swear on my children I did not. Being a cheater has lowered me to some kind of subhuman status and no one believes me, which is fine. Everything about wanting to escape was wrong, and I'll be paying that price for a long time.

And yes, went through scary abuse as a child of an alcoholic father, so always been a bit walking wounded. It is not an excuse for the choices I've made, just always felt like it makes sense when bad things happen to me.

Aside from hating my guts and yelling at me in front of the kids (which I beg him not to do), he is a great father to them.. he feels empowered by our older sons progress (C is now in normal classes with 'normal' kids.. he seems a bit odd to them, but he fits in fine) and is jumping in with both feet to help our younger son. I'm the one who feels too depleted to go through it again.

Haven't slept more than 40 minutes at a time in I don't know how long. Can barely think. I wrote the post after crying for 18 hours straight. The feelings were accurate, but the post was histrionic and I'm sorry.

I'm so glad that the physical abuse isn't a pattern. But he needs to stop the other abuse.

Have you tried anti-depressants? You must take care of yourself, so that you can take care of your family.

I've been praying for you.

Dragonfly,



Although I am a BS here, I can tell you that it is important that you understand, acknowledge and accept that you can't undo your actions of the past.

Your BH sounds like he is looking for that magic pill that will erase the past. It doesn't exist.

I can't address the sitch with your children because I simply have no experience or knowledge there. But what actions did you and your BH take to recover from your affair?

Without an effective plan to recover your marriage, it is no wonder that your BH is angrier now than a year ago. FWIW, that isn't uncommon for BS. But you telling yourself or him telling himself that he will never feel better is will only be a self-fulfilling prophecy if both of you let it be.

Just curious, is your BS involved with and/or helping with some of the unique responsibilities involved with raising 2 autistic children?

Who

Remember that the title of your post is: : need a reason to stay alive.

Based on this and comments list what you have above, give the impression you need help. So observations and support was given. Now you comment that you think we are too venomous? Hm..... is what we are saying worse than what he has done to you? If so, you shouldn't be anywheres near needing a reason to stay alive.

Your post heading vs the above post is conflicting. You originally provided a very scary abuse scenario and then wanted to down play it.

Your response is also scary in that you seem to want to continue in the pattern of living which includes this type of abuse. If that is the case, there isn't much we can do.

Let us know when you really want help. You should and you may but when is the unknown factor. That is also scary.

L.

I did downplay stuff from my first post. No one ever wants to hear of the emotional trauma the cheater is going through. The horrible guilt and remorse, hating yourself more than you thought you ever could. People in my immediate circle could care less about how bad I feel. It makes me withdraw, not want to talk about it. I simply felt ashamed that I posted. Like I said before.. no decent sleep in a long time and being curled up in a ball crying for days made me a bit of an idiot, and I'm sorry. Wanting to check out is one thing, if I make a move towards carrying it out, I know I need immediate treatment.

Anyway, went to my family doctor and have a script for antidepressants to fill tomorrow. Not going to say I feel hopeful yet, I'm just kind of trudging on to what the next step is. My husband is also going to start antidepressants.

Stupidly, it never occurred to me there had to be a 'plan' to have anything get better. Life just kind of.. went on, with bursts of anger every other day or so. Everytime it was brought up, things got ugly fast and degraded into a nasty name calling fest.. him screaming at me, me crying and begging to be left alone. Not real productive.

WhoMe asked if my husband was involved with caring for our autistic kids. Not right away with the first one, at least until he began to communicate. He is very patient and kind to our toddler. And he makes times every day to spend with our oldest, too. He's a good dad.

I ordered Dr. Harley's books from Amazon. No idea what I'm doing or what happens next, just putting one foot in front of the other.

Thank you for your input and prayers...

I know it is hard but being in denial won't help anyone. In addition to taking steps to move forward, it is wise to have a plan just like it is wise to plan for important events. Your life and that of your family is important.

As for needing a reason to live, I personally took that as a serious call for help. Yes, the ant0i-d's will help but only to a certain extent. The rest will be up to you. If you can read SAA, HNHN & Giver/Taker (all 3 by Dr. Harley), then give Steve H a call I believe he can help you get and stick to a good plan. If not for your M at the very least for you.

It will take both you and your H to have a plan for your M. So don't be disappointed if you have t/b the one who gets counseling 1st. You have control over your progress and your H has control over his. Later you will be able to help him but for now, you need to concentrate on your personal recovery.

L.