Happy Labor Day everyone,

I don't even know what to say or what I want, maybe just a hug or some understanding because I am feeling so alone right now.

It's been a while since I posted b/c I have been working on myself and continue to do so on a daily basis. I am working on my 8th step in AA, lost 59 1/2 lbs and for the most part and doing the best I can each and every day. Most people have noticed the changes in me and are complimenting me almost daily now.

My WH is a master at games and I got caught up in one b/c I want so bad to believe that he wants to come home. Plan A really is a fine line between doormat and showing your best.

Last week my WH, daughter, her boyfriend, and son drove down to CA for a family wedding. As you can imagine it caused much hardship in his relationship with the OW. For a few weeks in fact he has done nothing but tell me how bad it is with her and how much work their relationship is going to take. Because I am so desparate to believe we have a chance I will take any crumbs of info that he will give and hold on to the hope and pray he will come home. What an idiot!

Stupidly I got into a relationship discussion with him because I miss talking to him. He told me that he was very lonely in our marriage. I realized that the WH doesn't have any room in his brain to understand there were two people in this marriage who were hurting. I asked him what changes he had made for him to come home, he thought I was crazy. He told me that we wouldn't sleep together for awhile and we would work towards it. What a bunch of crap, that's what I had before and wasn't going back to that, in fact it was he rejection of me through the years that pushed me away to survive in my own way.

I told him that I was thinking about dating (which I am for fun), and he told me that I wouldn't do any better than him. I almost bought it.

I asked him what it would take for him to come home. He said that when he decided the amount of work it was going to take to be with her wasn't worth the effort he would come home. I asked if he wanted me to wait, he said yes.

Evidently this week was really bad between them. They fought, she said nasty remarks about my son, and she went out and used again on Thursday night and didn't come home. On Friday he told me he loved me, to make an appt to see a house together and he would call me later. He never called.

I spoke to him yesterday. He has decided to stay with her. He told me that he had thought a lot this week and he said that his decision was based on one thing that I said to him last week. "I said I guess you have to decide if you want to be married to your best friend or not." He told me he wants more than his best friend and he has no desire for me. He didn't say that, but I know it was there on his tongue.

I am having a very hard time getting past he left me for a 45 year old crack addict who has hep C. She has more drama in her life that we ever had and is way more dysfunctional. He has controlled me for a few weeks now with the line that he might come home, but in the end I have to wonder if it was all a game and his desire to be cruel, or is just a WH and these are just the same traits.

Now he tells me to move on. We talked about how the bills needed to be split up, I was gracious and dignified in talking to him, and when we got to the cell phone, he didn't want to go off our plan. Any thoughts, or is the WH mind just so sick you can't even get a handle on what's going on.

He is agitated because he hates where he is living and wants me to get money for him to move into an apt. The entitlment and logic that comes out of his mouth is just amazing. I have to constantly remind myself he is an alien and in a horrible addiction to boot.

Oh yes, listen to this. I asked him about her using again and he said they are going to work on their program's together. Anyone in AA knows you don't work recovery programs with anyone but your sponsor.

I'm sorry for rambling, but the overwhelmingness of packing up my house alone, knowing that the possibility of him coming home isn't happening, along with hurting and missing him so much is awful today.

I believe that G-d is blessing me by not having him come home because he is still so sick. His selfishness, self-centeredness and lack of wanting responsibility is beyond belief. Is this really normal of a WH or throw in an addict and it gets worse?

I have been in Plan A since the beginning, and not completely ready to go to Plan B, but getting there. I just need a little help in understanding what could be happening? My gut tells me that he still loves me but there is something she is giving him beyond the sex that I haven't figured out and am not getting the chance to. Any thoughts or suggestions what I should be doing next?

Thanks for your help and 2 x 4's. It took me so many years to truly fall in love with him, why did it happen just to lose him when we were finally getting skills to have a good marriage?

Sorry again for the rambling,
SG