I accidentally posted on the Plan A/B section, I think this is a better place for this. Sorry for the repeating.

Happy Labor Day,

I don't even know what to say or what I want, maybe just a hug or some understanding because I am feeling so alone right now.

It's been a while since I posted b/c I have been working on myself and continue to do so on a daily basis. I am working on my 8th step in AA, lost 59 1/2 lbs and for the most part and doing the best I can each and every day. Most people have noticed the changes in me and are complimenting me almost daily now.

My WH is a master at games and I got caught up in one b/c I want so bad to believe that he wants to come home. Plan A really is a fine line between doormat and showing your best.

Last week my WH, daughter, her boyfriend, and son drove down to CA for a family wedding. As you can imagine it caused much hardship in his relationship with the OW. For a few weeks in fact he has done nothing but tell me how bad it is with her and how much work their relationship is going to take. Because I am so desparate to believe we have a chance I will take any crumbs of info that he will give and hold on to the hope and pray he will come home. What an idiot!

Stupidly I got into a relationship discussion with him because I miss talking to him. He told me that he was very lonely in our marriage. I realized that the WH doesn't have any room in his brain to understand there were two people in this marriage who were hurting. I asked him what changes he had made for him to come home, he thought I was crazy. He told me that we wouldn't sleep together for awhile and we would work towards it. What a bunch of crap, that's what I had before and wasn't going back to that, in fact it was he rejection of me through the years that pushed me away to survive in my own way.

I told him that I was thinking about dating (which I am for fun), and he told me that I wouldn't do any better than him. I almost bought it.

I asked him what it would take for him to come home. He said that when he decided the amount of work it was going to take to be with her wasn't worth the effort he would come home. I asked if he wanted me to wait, he said yes.

Evidently this week was really bad between them. They fought, she said nasty remarks about my son, and she went out and used again on Thursday night and didn't come home. On Friday he told me he loved me, to make an appt to see a house together and he would call me later. He never called.

I spoke to him yesterday. He has decided to stay with her. He told me that he had thought a lot this week and he said that his decision was based on one thing that I said to him last week. "I said I guess you have to decide if you want to be married to your best friend or not." He told me he wants more than his best friend and he has no desire for me. He didn't say that, but I know it was there on his tongue.

I am having a very hard time getting past he left me for a 45 year old crack addict who has hep C. She has more drama in her life that we ever had and is way more dysfunctional. He has controlled me for a few weeks now with the line that he might come home, but in the end I have to wonder if it was all a game and his desire to be cruel, or is just a WH and these are just the same traits.

Now he tells me to move on. We talked about how the bills needed to be split up, I was gracious and dignified in talking to him, and when we got to the cell phone, he didn't want to go off our plan. Any thoughts, or is the WH mind just so sick you can't even get a handle on what's going on.

He is agitated because he hates where he is living and wants me to get money for him to move into an apt. The entitlment and logic that comes out of his mouth is just amazing. I have to constantly remind myself he is an alien and in a horrible addiction to boot.

Oh yes, listen to this. I asked him about her using again and he said they are going to work on their program's together. Anyone in AA knows you don't work recovery programs with anyone but your sponsor.

I'm sorry for rambling, but the overwhelmingness of packing up my house alone, knowing that the possibility of him coming home isn't happening, along with hurting and missing him so much is awful today.

I believe that G-d is blessing me by not having him come home because he is still so sick. His selfishness, self-centeredness and lack of wanting responsibility is beyond belief. Is this really normal of a WH or throw in an addict and it gets worse?

I have been in Plan A since the beginning, and not completely ready to go to Plan B, but getting there. I just need a little help in understanding what could be happening? My gut tells me that he still loves me but there is something she is giving him beyond the sex that I haven't figured out and am not getting the chance to. Any thoughts or suggestions what I should be doing next?

Thanks for your help and 2 x 4's. It took me so many years to truly fall in love with him, why did it happen just to lose him when we were finally getting skills to have a good marriage?

Sorry again for the rambling,
SG

For a few weeks in fact he has done nothing but tell me how bad it is with her and how much work their relationship is going to take. Because I am so desparate to believe we have a chance I will take any crumbs of info that he will give and hold on to the hope and pray he will come home. What an idiot!

Holding his hand while he laments about his relationship with the OW is NOT part of Plan A. You should be calmly telling him... "It hurts me when you talk about OW, since I am your WIFE". Then change the subject. Desperate is not the way to effectively do Plan A.

I told him that I was thinking about dating (which I am for fun), and he told me that I wouldn't do any better than him. I almost bought it.

So, you are planning on stepping outside the marriage too huh? Dating is WRONG...you cannot minimize it by using the phrase "for fun". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I am having a very hard time getting past he left me for a 45 year old crack addict who has hep C.

Hep C is contagious...did you know that? He could already be infected since it is transmitted through coming in contact with the blood of an infected person. Do you want this disease?

I would consider Plan B....shoot, *I* would be seriously considering Plan D...as in DIVORCE.... if it were me. But it isn't...so you will have to decide for yourself how long you are going to be his sounding board for his adulterous relationship.

jmho
committed

I'm feeling alone right now too gal.


Congrates on your accomplishments!


Yeah according to them you can never do much better, its a bunch of b/crap....u remember that.

Is he trying to be cruel? Well you know him as a person, is he a cruel person? then most likely he's now being cruel to you intentionally.....if he's normally a kind person....then he's still being cruel, just not for the purpose to make you hurt. Its to make him feel better. He's gambling...u are a sure thing and she is not...he has to keep a leash on you just in case their relationship dont work out. And he is very honest about that.

[qoute] He is agitated because he hates where he is living and wants me to get money for him to move into an apt. The entitlment and logic that comes out of his mouth is just amazing. I have to constantly remind myself he is an alien and in a horrible addiction to boot. [/qoute]

Oh h3ll yeah, they favors my WH wanted me to do was like whaaadd? Even when he made it a point that he wanted OW. He felt I was still his Wife, why shouldn't I do these things, aren't I suppose to love him?????????? Is he crazy??????

[color:"blue"]Here is some advice, don't know if it fits your sitch but here it goes....men need to feel needed, well people have this need but men mostly. Maybe she needs him more than you need him. Obviously if she's a crack head...he's like her superhero. He's captain-savea-ho to the rescue. Maybe she makes him feel like she cant possible do without him along with other needs. He may feel obligated, like if he left...she may kill herself or something...maybe she even said that. Maybe she plays on his superman ego....dont know just a thought [/color]

CAL,

Ok, the dating is out then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He has rejected me for over a year and I just want to feel a little alive or human.

I did know it's contagious and you are correct, he actually could already be infected. I DO NOT want the disease.

I feel like I made so many mistakes and just want a chance to live a completely different life. I love him that much to wait it out and see if he is infected. I love him that much to walk through this horrific time if he would just let me. But he doesn't, he wants to be with her.

I am trying so hard to be a strong Plan A, but he is so good at manipulating me and I allow it, that I fall back. Thanks for the reminder.

Warmly,
SG

oh and one thing i forgot

maybe he's a user too and you just dont know it...hm?!

Waking,

I don't think he is using, however I wouldn't have thought he would be doing what he is doing, living with what he is living with.

To those who read this, I need to apologize for my posting. After I posted I went and had a long talk with someone who I hope to consider my sponsor soon. And they opened my eyes to looking at what is fact and what isn't. Something I need to accept and just leave it with G-d.

Upon further review I hit myself with the brick and 2 x 4 on how stupid and desparate I sounded. And that's not necessarily the case most of the time.

Do I miss him, yes. But not the WH. Is my H still inside, I honestly don't know. What I do know, is that I am changing and realizing that we had a very unhealthy relationship. It's funny that since the day he left my life has been calmer and in many ways nicer and when I am around him the craziness comes back immediately. I still pray for G-d to bless me again with a chance at saving our marriage? Not because I need him, but because I really believe we could have something magical with committed changes on both parts.

But the fact is, my WH is still out there lost in alienation and disease and he doesn't want me. Can that change, I hope so, but when it does I am going to be a hugely different person who won't accept what life was like before or the scraps of him coming home because he didn't make it work with her.

Somehow I need to get myself unwound from the games. If that means no contact or Plan B, then I will do it. I am willing to go to whatever lengths I need to to stand for our marriage and G-d willing a recovery. If it means going back to the drawing board and learning more about Plan A, then I will do that and work with whatever chances G-d gives me. No matter what, I am a survivor and I may be bloody, but I am not out, nor will I give up until G-d tells me to do so.

Committed, you were so right, I have absolutely no business going out on a date when I am still in love with my H, I want our marriage to work and bottom line is I am still a married woman. I appreciate the honesty.

Something clicked today where I have turned H and his life over to G-d. He can do for him what I can not and have no business doing. Where that leaves us, I only hope in recovery, but if not, I will have learned alot about myself and I will have known that I tried everything I could.

Again, I apologize for the stupid posting. I have much to learn and will continue to seek out your wisdome and guidance.

Warmly,
SG

first H is dragging you along, H knows you will follow.
Do not be his puppy.

One statement I have a problem with (the others were answered by other posters)
Is that H said to you that if the work is to hard with the OW then H will come home to you, do you or H think that the work won't be there? H will have to work harder.
Congrats on all your work, keep it up, build your confidence and do not let anyone take it away.

SG,

Your posting isn't stupid. You are at a turning point where your mind and heart are starting to sync up. The point that you recognize this is a good sign.

This will give you the strength you need to move forward. If your H is still trying to get out, he will notice your steps to move forward and w/b cheering you. You may not hear it above all the WS babble. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But your mind and heart s/b focused on moving forward so your real H has a target to reach for.

Be patient. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Doing - I am in no way kidding myself on how hard the work between us will take. WH is so much in a fog, I don't see the purpose in clueing him in on the truth. I reached out a couple of times to see what he is willing to do, and for the most part he doesn't think he needs to change anything. It was all my fault.

The old me would have kept arguing this point for no reason. When and if the time is right we can discuss how much work there is involved.

Oh Orchid,

At first reading I didn't understand what you meant, but upon further review I do. I truly pray that my H still exists and is cheering. I am still fighting, just in a different way that G-d is directing me.

My heart and mind has switched and is totally committed to moving on. As of today it's 62 1/2 lbs. And for now that can't include him. As hard as it is, that's what G-d has planned today.

I can be as patient as G-d wants me to be.

Thank you I so need your positive words to keep hoping.

Warmly,
SG

SG

I am glad to see you posting again (although I am sad things have taken this turn with your WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />)

Hang in there--you're really are doing great. And I am so proud (and jealous)of you -- 62 1/2 pounds lost!! I only shed a mere 25 lbs on the "infidelity diet" LOL.

I keep praying for you...

Smartiepants

SG--

Just wanted to congratulate you on the weight loss-- I had a successful infidelity diet, too. And your inner journey inspires me.

Just sayin'.

Smartie and Chrysalis,

Thank you for your comments.

Last night at my AA meeting the topic was gratitude. I have to be honest when I say that even though this has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through I am emerging as someone who is a survivor and grateful that it happened.

The truth be told, we were both hurting each other. We both were meeting each others EB and the other one was unwilling or didn't know how to give it. I always believed I would do anything for him, I actually still stand by that, but after seeing what he is doing, he doensn't know what he wants and was bringing me down. I actually think he has brought me down for years, but I had such a low self esteem I wasn't willing to break away and be on my own. Or I had the hope things would change.

I know how Bramble feels about labeling people, but without a doubt my H is a passive-agressive, manipulating and controlling man. He enjoys playing mind games and my problem was reaching out and getting healthy years ago and learning how to break the game cycle. He said he wanted that, but I really have to wonder.

In the end it doesn't matter. The fact is, I love and pray my H comes home one day. But he doesn't want me, he doesn't want to live with his best friend or live in a world where there is a loving family and in a community with respect, he says he wants something more. That something more is a crack addict, divorced twice, a grandmother at 43 and has hepatitis C. I'm sorry, I just can't become that kind of person for him. I love life and my life too much.

It was sad yesterday because it was the first day of school and we have a senior. He missed out on that. He is missing out on our children's lives and that still hurts, but ultimately G-d is guiding this and I have to trust and believe in him and this path.

I wish you all a spectacular day,
SG

Smartie,

This weight loss is very interesting. Since I have been with him I have never been able to get passed a certain weight. I have tried and tried and always believed I was protecting myself from something.

I thought it was something from my past. The fact is I wasn't heavy until after I got together with him and it was a few years later when I really packed on the lbs.

Now, in 3 1/2 months, I am 1 1/2 lbs past my lowest weight in 19 years, the weight I was never able to get passed and I tried for so long. Food is no longer a need except to keep this body that G-d gave me going.

I am really trying to take a honest look at how safe my H was in my life and that maybe just maybe I am truly better off without him.

I am SO not ready to give up. But I am more willing to just walk in G-ds path and see where today takes me. Because all I have to do is face today. I still need the prayers because deep down I believe G-d still is blessing our marriage so thank you so much.

I wish you a great day and hope to hear from you soon.

SG

I said something similar to this in another thread. Sometimes its not all about the BS. Sometimes it as about the WS needing to find someone they can be equal to and feel better about themselves around.

sorry to b blunt here...but after reading your thread IMO, divorce this creep.

MEDC -

Not a problem with the bluntness, could you just give me a little more information on why besides just being a creep? I am actually stuck not filing for divorce until at least January because our house is being remodeled and then needs to be put up for sale.

Hope - but he didn't always act like this. Do you believe this is more than just the typical A addiction or mid life crisis? Do you think that there is any hope he can come around?

I don't know why I can't divorce him, but my heart and the message I hear from G-d just tells me to not give up yet, he is working something out in him. I guess I just have to keep on going until that voice tells me otherwise. I hope that makes sense.

Thanks,
SG

well, rather than my giving you my reasons...since reading your story they are apparent...I will say that if payer is leading you to sty and fight, do so. But please make sure that you are not mistaking your fears and misplaced obligations as an answer to prayer. I have seen many people in my church use that same logic to stay in abusive relationships that the Lord has never intended anyone to remain in.
And God does not need your help with your H. You can make your plans and protect yourself...and if God changes his heart...so be it. If not, you are on your way to a healthy life without your WH's baggage.

MEDC,

I am completely open to what G-d intends my path to be. I admit I am not sure I am listening correctly and so then I go with my heart. Today I don't know how to decipher the difference, any suggestions?

I am protecting myself emotionally, financially I am trusting him until he screws me one time and then I will seek out an attorney and legal separation - he is being very generous right now and I don't want to rock the boat, and working very hard at creating a brand new life for me and my kids. I have to admit my ego has taken a huge beating but I am working hard at changing that. Not because he had the affair, but because he left me for this type of person and environment that is so different than what we had.

Giving up control is something I work very hard on daily. I could use lots of prayers to keep that one up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you,
SG

Yes, IMHO, if you are not sure...it is not God. The Lord will be clear to you in your time of need. Seek out counsel of trusted friends and run it by them.

You have my prayers.

MEDC,

LOL, I would say that 90% if not more of my friends and family can't stand him and want me to get rid of him. I am the almost lone hold out.

I think I should restate what G-d says. Everytime I pray and write, I truly believe that G-d tells me to move on, live my life but don't give up. That my WH is very sick and he is working something out in him.

Where I am unsure is if I am hearing what I want to hear vs what G-d is telling me. Does that make sense?

SG