I have looking through all the letters and mine is going to be probably the longest ever... I been married 7 years never has my H given me a reason to shed a tear. We have to boys(6&4) and we never seem to have any problems. Well it never seemed to me like we had problems but in Jan of this year I found out that while he was on deployment he had an affair and out of that came a child. The way the story goes.. she approached him offered to be his sex partner while overseas and then that was the start of that. He thought about it agreed and then 6 months later she became pregnant, they were about to come back home so he told her that he needed to tell me cause he didn't want to lose me, she said I want the child I don't really want anything to do w/u he said ok and they came back. Well I was still in another state he was finishing off in that state to come home to me and while he was there he confess to speaking to her and even going to a sonogram w/her. He said she was always telling him she was going to tell me so he would listen. They both left that state and went there separate ways and then a couple of months later he got a call the child was born. About a month after this she says to him, all I want is for this child to not be a ****** son I am sending the paperwork so you can sign or I will tell your wife. So he listens ( no paternity test just signs) then about a year later he gets another call I need your information because I am filling for CS. That was the moment I found out. He actually had to tell me cause he had no choice at that moment. I thought the best thing was to forget about the kid, so I told him it is either me or the kid for our marriage to survive. So he picked me but I am not sure I am satisfied with that. He says he never loved her and he doesn't have much feeling for the kid but eventually isn't this going to come back and bite me in the a$%... Everything seems great he is still the best dad, a wonderful husband.. I kind of understand that we were separated for 15 months because of deployment and a lot of stuff happen in that time but I pray every night that she finds a good man that loves her and that child and for them to never show up in or life again. No one other that my best friend knows about this situation. And really I don't want anyone to find out, I was thinking maybe to tell the boys when they are of age. I don't know maybe it is still to soon to be making so many plans. I told him to ask her for custody that was the only way I wanted the child in my life, if the kid had nothing to do with her (does that make any sense) I just don't' want him to be here for the wrong reasons. He says he is sorry he made a mistake that it will never happen again, and I really do believe him but how do I heal, do I heal eventually??? It seems like I have my ups and downs all the time. I think about the kid and she is so clever (to not use better words) that she send pictures I guess to rub it in or something. Till my last message when I told her I couldn't wait to meet him. any ways enough for my story I am looking for others to give me hope to tell me about them and how keeping the kid away helped them any... were you able to keep going and be happy with your spouse even though there is an invisible kid out there that drains your bank account?

Do you believe H is telling the truth about the whole story? This women approaches H to be sex partner? etc..

How is H sure this child is his?

I really feel bad for the child.

What do you know about OW?

Are you going to counseling?

Poster: doingfine
Subject: Re: Looking for hope...

Do you believe H is telling the truth about the whole story? This women approaches H to be sex partner? etc..

How is H sure this child is his?

I really feel bad for the child.

What do you know about OW?

Are you going to counseling?





dear doingfine

Yeah I kind of thought the story was kind of weird myself but I confronted her over the phone and the story she told me was pretty similar to his. He has no clue if the child is his or not he just signed the paperwork with hope she would keep her word and disapear. I saw about 3 pictures of the kid and he looks just like him, and just like my children which makes me believe it is true but there has not been any PT.
I don't know much about the OW I have never even seen her. I talked to her about 3 times over the phone and she was cooperative with info at the start of it all, because I told her that if she wasn't her career was gone cause I was going to make sure of it. Then one day she called and she told him that she wanted to do nothing with us and wanted no money then she didn't call for about a month (I was next to the phone so I actually heard her say this). That next month we got a letter from the CS office that she had turned in the paperwork. So really I don't know much about this OW other that she is a lier.
We went to couseling when it all came out in the open. And it helped alot. I have my ups and downs but we have been doing pretty good lately. Maybe it is just because OW has not had the nerve to call. Thank the Lord!!!
I feel pretty bad for the OC to, but I was a OC and the fact that I had a partime dad was not the best experience. So to me it is much better if she was to get remarried and he grew up knowing someone else as his dad. Maybe then he would actually have someone there everytime he needs him.

ineed,

So sorry you find yourself here, and on both ends. It is never fair. The OC will suffer no matter what you do. We are NC, it is best for me, the M, and the COM. There really wouldn't be significant benefit unless she decides to have a real relationship with a man available and willing to be a father to the child she did not want to have a father.
Your H needs to have the paternity test done. The CS people should be doing it before any CS is ordered. Do you have an attorney, you need one to protect your COM. You need a support order in place for them before she gets her support. The COM always get less than the OC in the CS courts.

FTS

"any ways enough for my story I am looking for others to give me hope to tell me about them and how keeping the kid away helped them any... were you able to keep going and be happy with your spouse even though there is an invisible kid out there that drains your bank account? "

My story might help you.

My husband had sex with another women 2 times and she got prgnant. This was 19 years ago. I did not find out until the child was 5 years old. Similiar situation where husband was afraid to lose me, and OP kept saying she would tell me.

He gave her money and convinced her to move when the child was very young, but than she moved back , made demands and than called me, so he told me.

No test was ever done although my husband asked for it.

I suspect she would not do it for two reasons.

She was afraid I might get custody, as I spoke to her only once and sort of scared her, by telling her I might want custoday since we had been trying for years to have children and both had good jobs, married for 7 years, and this was her second "illigitimate" child ( she had a 5 year old she claimed was from a rape ) and she lived in an area of the city that was known for crime, drugs, killings, etc, and she had little money.

I was much more educated and I belive she was scared I would get custody, although I really did not want it, nor did I suspect she would be a bad mother, nor did my husband, not at all. I just wanted her to leave us alone, and she was still in love with my husband.

He was very angry with her, but thought it was a bit mean that I said this to her, I agreed but did not care.

Second, even if I could not get custody she was afraid of me or having the baby anywhere near me, she wanted my husband and her child only.


BTW, The condom broke the second time they had sex, and she told my husband right than she was pregnant.
Sher also said she very much wanted this baby and he did not have to "give her anything".

We moved very far away soon after as did she.
She also has lot's of supportive family and she moved back to where they were, we were five thousand miles apart.

After our move move I became pregant, and got over it and no longer thought about it, even though it was devestating at the time.

Live was great!

Than this past january, 14 years later, we got a phone call from her.

Just wanted to say hi, and that the OC wanted to meet his father.

They had seen pictures on the internet etc and tracked us down.

At this point I was OK and actually friendly and my husband and I were both very curious. ( he was now 18 1/2 years old ).

She kept saying she would send pictures and we insisted on a DNA we offerred to pay for , but she kept putting it off though she would conitnue to call.

After a few months they finally did do the test and my husband was the father.

This was about 5 months ago, and WOW!
I felt I was hit with a bullet!
I am still in a crazy state, what a trigger!

The OC and my H spoke and wrote a letter each. still no pictures from them.

BUT, most of the calls came from the OW , and bottom line is she still loves my H and wants us all to get together.

last month it came to a head, Our feeling was that this contact was "pushed" by the OW not the OC, and the OC , in the end, did not have a good experience, no longer wants to talk.

I feel bad for him but glad that there is no longer contact, although I think it would be better when he is older and away from his mother. Age of majority is 21 where they live and he is still home.

I can see now that if we had contact all along this would have never worked out.

My husband feels terrible also, and he would have felt much worse had we started contact and had to break it off.

My 11 year old knows nothing, I am glad we waited to see if it would work, first.

Other than money my husband gave her in the begining , we have paid no support. I might get papers in the mail any day, who knows? I guess I have another two years of worrying about that, but I try not to.

I am very, very glad I made the choices I made and believe the OC is fine, has lots of family around him, that I am very grateful I followed my gut and really feel I made the very best choices for me at the time and feel this worked out really well compared to what I have read and seen and for myself and family.

I also must say that I never wanted the OC, nor did I want any contact what so ever back than.

I was heartbroken and had been through miscarriages, IVF etc. I did not want to adopt, ( my husband does LOVE kids, any kid, and would adopt any child in a second! )

I did not see how our marriage would have ever lasted, nor would our own child ever been born had we had had contact back than or through the years, as I could not have handled it.

My personal belief is that children can do just fine without having to have a "bio " father involved.

My sister has two children via a sperm donor because here husband was sterile.

The OW VERY much wanted a baby from my H.
She is still in love with him 19 years later.

Kids are adopted all the time , we would have even donated our IVF eggs had we any left. And their are single parents using sperm donation all the time.

So I really in my heart do NOT believe that a bio dad is needed but if children are influenced by family, friends or society to feel that way, than they will.

So I do not feel morally bad about any of it, other than I know my husband DOES feel bad because he loves all children, period, never has seen a picture and feels this contact caused more harm than good for the OC.

Perhaps in the future this will change.

Hope this has helped you.

BTW, by all means I would go with no contact with the OW
no matter what you do.

I did not really know about no contact with other women, and only read the MB matrial in the last few months , which I found VERY VERY helpful!

When the OW kept calling recently, and after reading what I read here, I insisted with my H's agreement to no contact with OW, just OC and the the OW's insisting on contact was what created the " falling out" with the OC.

I know it was left with my H "looking like a bad guy" for the OC, but that really is better for him than his mom looking bad, and I believe she is a good mom , but she is still in a fog.

I called the lawyer and he said that unless we are separated we cant do the support thing for me and kids. I am not really getting separated I don't think atleast right now... Hopefully never. So I really don't know what to do, the lawyer said that in this state it is 5 to 10% of his pay and they count what she makes and she makes maybe $200 bucks less than us a month. I dont' know what to think anymore my stomach is so messed up right about now. I cant sleep, eat or drink without thinking about the same thing. I appreciate the advice and how you guys shared your storys with me it kind of did help. I figured there really is no way of doing him good with out doing him bad. Will he grow up to hate my children for having my husbands attention all these years.... OHHHH I wish I could freeze my thought for a while and just be able to breath. Please someone tell me this is normal and I am not just loosing my mind over here.

Stop thinking about this woman's child. She is responsibe for him, not you. Your first priority is you, the status of your marriage, and the well being of your COM.You can't change what your husband and this OW did. I'm pretty sure she knows how she got pregnant and how it could have been prevented, for example "Don't sleep with other women's husbands." She is choosing the life style of this child, NOT you. You are not the one responsible, nor shoud you feel guilty for her choices or his.

Ineed, You can't heal yourself, your marriage and your children's life if you try to take on the responsiblity of everyone. One step at a time. Heal your home unit first. Maybe this OW will have a shred of decency in her and raise this child morally and provide a father for it in the future. Don't listen to people who have never been through this and think that the OC is the poor innocent victim in all of this. You and your children are more victimized than the OC. The OC will never know different. YOU and YOUR COM had a different life and expectations of life until this OW came along and decided to destroy everyone's future. Many children are raised without ever knowing other family members, adopted children rarely have a huge need for their "blood family" unless there are medical issues. Family is who you are raised with and share family experiences with. Otherwise adopted children would be miserable forever. (Most of them aren't)

So, relax and breathe. Focus on you your COM and your M. Let the other stuff wait. This is not a step-child. This child did not exists when you decided to become involved with your H. Step-children do. They are part of the equation that you take on at the beginning, not years into the M after your own COM have been created (unless they show up older than your relationship). So stop and breathe (My MC was more concerned with the OC's well being, this landed me depressed, I quit counseling and climbed out of the hole she through me in on my own. There are other's here who also agree with what I'm saying, people who have been through this. If you want to listen to opposing views, do it only from those that have lived this)

My best to you,

FTS

"Please someone tell me this is normal and I am not just loosing my mind over here. "

Oh, it is more than normal!

Perhaps you have not read enough threads here, I think I read every one when I found this place a few months ago and I was able to find huge relief even after so many years, as I realized what I went through was totally normal and , in, fact, in the "end" from where I stand now, I feel I am really lucky and find myself finding so much more to be grateful for rather than angry about.

But not at first.

You do not know how the OC wil;l grow up, and frankly, there is no reason to believe that the OC is in a bad place no matter what happens.

I have come to see things differently now.

I can see my OC as a gift.

A gift to his Mom, who wanted him.

A gift for himself, from my husband , as the OC would not be in this world, otherwise! That's the very gift of life.

The entire situation is also a gift to me, as I have grown, and learned and was able to make some amazing lemonade from lemons!

There are so many people in this world that start out with what some judge to be a "poor start" and do amazing things.

And who is to judge what a poor start is?

I know I have a great attitude now, but believe me, I had to allow myself to really feel bad, get angry, go nuts and let go first!

Nothing has ever challenged me more in my life, but it really has made my life ( including my marriage and family )so rich!

Believe there were many huge ups and downs, and sometimes still are.

But I EXPECT a great life for myself, for the OC and OW, and, relatively speaking, I have NC.

I believe I will always get what I expect.

I want to start by saying thank you, It seems like I was always talking to the wrong people. My MC was the same way he was very concern about the OC and I really needed help for me and my M at that time. I am narrowing my problem to when I go to church, I feel like a hypocrate. I feel like in the eyes of God what I am doing is terrible. I am not forcing my H to not see this child then again he says that he wants are M to work and if it takes him not seeing the OC for it to work well that be it. I am glad for his choice to be so dedicated to what is now a M on repair but yet again that kid is going to grow up with NC because of me. I am not sure God will ever forgive me for this. I have been meaning to talk to my pastor about the whole situation but I am kind of scared of what he will say, I know he is not suppose to judge but I am still really scared. Are you guys envolved in the church, talked to your pastors about the situation? I don't want to make the wrong choices but who is to determine what a bad choice is? thank you guys again so much I really needed to hear that it does get better not easier but atleast better.

I want to start off by saying if you feel that NC with OC is what is needed to save your marriage, then it is. Follow your own instincts. I chose to allow contact and it has been nothing but hassel. The xOW is not letting go and using every opportunity to be a pain. She uses the child as a weapon and it is sick. I still feel that the right thing is for OC to know her father and her half-sisters. But in the beginning I had alot less trouble accepting the OC than I did the A itself. You have to do what is right for your own family. I go and talk to my pastor often and he told me that our marriage was what we needed to be concerned with. The OC has a purpose in God's eyes. Remember that nothing is really a mistake. That child is here for a reason. It took me along time to come to grips with that. I am a firm believer that God allowed my H to have an A to strengthen us and show him the right path. Our OC has a purpose and I feel that it is my responsibility for my H and I to show that child love, what a family should be, and make sure that she has some sort of upbringing in the church. Even if its only everyother weekend.

But that is me. I think that whatever you feel is right, is right. I also don't believe that your pastor will critisize you for your choice. He should agree that your union before God is more important than anything that resulted from adultery. My prayers are with you.

First things first.

A DNA HAS to be done in your case, since his name is already on the BC, and she wants CS.

This can be done from different states and even countries.

If your husband is not the father that changes everything.

And if it is positive...

First, I might not be helpful on your questions about God forgiving you, etc, because I just do not believe in this way about God, and so, personally I never, ever worried about needing to be forgiven by God. But I understand that it is iportant for you and so, someone else may be more helpful to you on this.

But it may be a good way of showing that everything is about perception.

I do not and never had ANY concern about needing to be forgiven by god, yet, it also allowed me to not feel torment that others may feel because they have a different perception.

I did feel guilt about the child, and about not wanting my husband to see it.
He told me the very same things and still does, that our M is MUCH more important. Yet, if I were not in the picture, if I died, went away, I have no doubts he would see the child.

But than again, if I died he would start to date other women, too, right? And well he should!

There are never any right or wrong choices, there are only the choices that seem best at the time they are made and no one can go back, but everyone can move foward, and every day is a new day to do so!

I personally do not believe taking an action that I do not feel real enthusiastic about would serve anyone !

I have not told my COM anything , though eventually I will.
However, I do not believe I could tell him right now without being biased, regardless of what I think should be the right thing, the way I feel is not there yet.

And that's where it sounds like you are as well, as almost everyone is, who winds up in these shoes. :-}

One thing I know is to be understanding.

I told my husband I can understand if he would want a relationship. I do not think he is wrong to want to or not want to.

But my feelings were that he would wind up being a co-parent with a third party.

That is just too raw for me to handle, because to me there is always going to be intimacy when it comes to parenting.

And I know that I would just resent it way too much.

So while I would not stop him, I also don't want to turn into a resentful angry person, I know what I can handle and what I can not right now.

So I am really letting him make the choice.

Not in mean way, in a loving and honest way.

=======================

By the way, it sounds like you already know in your heart how you feel and what you want to do, but you fear being judged by others, or being convinced by others that you are doing a bad or wrong thing.

Nobody else can live my life but me.

And I have learned that when I always realize I make my own choices, I no longer blame anyone else for anything!

I do not blame myself either, I just look to make the best choice for me, KNOWING that if I am feeling whole than my family can, and I have more to give, otherwise I have nothing to give to them.

Again, perhaps someone else with a more religious perspective can help you more.

I am married to a catholic ( the OW was also catholic )and I know how how guilty he feels.

For him, I think he felt less guilt by choosing to do something that would make our marriage work.

Please realize you are asking yourself to be perfect here.

No one can do that, we are all perfectly imperfect!

I think you have to really let yourself off the hook here!

Again I belive we have all gone through the guilt , anger fear, love and back and forth all over the place, it is normal, it really is like a death.

Please take care of you.

And get and read the books and methods from this site.

I got a couple more questions maybe you guys can help me out with... first, I read something online about this DNA test you can order (then again what says she is going to want to do it) maybe I just answered my own question about how bad of an idea that is =) anyways my other question is about the whole child support thing, how long does this process take?? I feel like they are taking forever on purpose just so that the whole thing can hurt even more. Do they count me as one of his dependents if I am not working or is it just the kids?? Did any of you get charged backpay?? how does that work?? and also if you get assigned a very high amount there is such a thing as u protesting it?? What about taxes do you get a statement at the end of the year?? I have so many questions, sorry =)

It really depends on your state. Did he sign a declaration of paternity which basically forfeits the DNA requirement?

Check out this link and find your state.
http://childcustodyattorney.com/childcus...1f26f17272747a6