I am pretty new to this but a pastor friend of mine suggested your site and I thought that I would give it a go!

I have been married to my husband for 4 and a half years (he is 29, I am 28). I thought that it had been a pretty happy marriage, of course we had our difficult times and disagreements but we always moved along.

We had a difficult situation right now....our housing had been provided by my husbands place of work. In June my husband began to have an affair with one of his employees...she is 21 and from out of the country. I had a feeling something was going on but he denied it. A few weeks later he was fired due to his "friendship" with this girl and he was asked to leave our home as they did not want him on the property. I had been given permission to remain there under the circumstances. Their relationship continued after he left (he has been living at his parents and motels), he continued to deny it (he has told me that nothing sexual happened). I found out for definate about their relationship just over a week ago. He claims that she is his best friend, he loves her, wants to marry her, and she understands and supports him.

I know we had problems and looking back now there are somethings that I may not have been totally supportive with him. And I know that there were things that could have been handled differently in our marriage.

We went away for the weekend over labor day, which was nice, he wants now to work on our marriage (the 21 year old is now back home out of the country), he still claims he loves her but wants to give our marriage a shot.

I have to move from where we had been living at the end of September, my husband wants us to move in somewhere together so we can work things out.

Any suggestions that any one can give would be greatly appreciated.

Question: Do you really want to recover your M? The road to recovery will be long and hard, and not for the faint of heart.

If there are no children involved, and no significant joint property, you may want to consider D - particularly if he's continuing to lie to you about the extent of his A.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but I'm on that Recovery Road myself, and I know how difficult it can be!

My husband did this early on in our marriage. He was an idiot. We recovered our marriage and he was faithful for 28 years (he had a recent affair - long story).

I truly believe that if we had recovered our marriage after his early affairs with Marriage Builders, there would not have been this recent problem.

You can recover - it isn't easy, and it takes two of you working together.

Call the Harleys. It will be worth the money.

Thank you for your reponses.....I really do want to work on our marriage and I feel that a marriage is not something that should be thrown away. Everything that has happened if very uncharacteristic of my husband....he is normally very caring and honest....his family know of the situation and they agree that this is not normal for him.

Judy, I can say for certain that no-one, NO-ONE would have thought my FWW would lower herself to indulge in an A. In fact, if I was to tell anyone who knew her now, they'd think I'm trying to play some strange prank on her. Yet she did it - twice!

People can be very different when they think that no-one's looking, or no-one will ever find out what they're doing.

I've never been where you are so take my advice or leave it--But if it were my husband I would make him earn his way back into the marriage.

I would renegotiate the relationship in a way that worked for me--not him.

He would be required to come up with a plan (in writing) to help ME find emotional closure. For example, if I needed him to check in with me three times a day or tell me where he was 24/7, he would have to do it.

He'd also need to convince me that he understood how ridiculous and unfair it is to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to a real one. If he couldn't understand this concept and articulate it to me, I would not move forward with him.

Well my husband is is living with his parents now....i am living temp with a lady from work. Its really hard, he wants to work on our marriage and is weening himself off talking to his affair...he knows it was stupid, he lost his job and home over something that was never going to work. our marriage counselor has recommended we live apart for a number of months...however my husband and i have been spending weekends to gether etc....i would go and stay with him at his parents etc and things seem to be moving forward quicker when i spend time with him and not when we are apart. Should i persue being apart or should we just spend time together

He is weaning himself off talking to his affair partner? Is that what you meant? If he is still in contact with her, I would not move in with him.

Agree with Believer. If he is still in contact with her, no way should you move in with him.

I'd want verifiable No Contact and full disclosure from him before I would even consider moving in with him again.

Thank you.

The other woman lives on the other side of the world and is 21 and from a very controlling family from what I hear. Her dad made her call my H last week and say goodbye....I am not sure though if my H was ready to say goodbye yet even though he knows he needs to. Her parents are limiting her phone and internet access and have taken her cell phone from her.

This is just really hard because it just seems we move further forward when we are together and currently I am living somewhere i do not want to live

If you are certain there is no contact, then you need to be living with him to work on the marriage.

What guarantees can he give you that this won't happen again?

Did he ever do anything like this while you were dating? How long did you know him before you married him?

Actually..things keep changing....
I called our calling card company this morning and it appears that he was on the phone last night for 2 hours to her country (obviously to her). I am trying so hard to trust God that He has this all under control....my husband knows that he is being an idiot, he knows that their relationship lost him his job and our apartment, and has completely messed up his life....I guess he is not ready to break all ties.
I am so angry at him right now and I am not sure how to confront him....he may tell me without having to question him because he has before...I know as well if he knows that I called the calling card he can also just get another one without me knowing at least this way I know when he is calling her.

What can i say me again!!!
Well after finding out last week that my H was still contacting her I confronted him and he admitted it. Shortly after that he went to a program at our church and said that he feels that God is speaking with him, he knew he had to end the affair so he called the other girl, left her a message telling her it was over.
Now he wants me to move in with him...he is currently at his parents as he does not have a job. I am living with a lady from work about 30 mins away. I am torn...he is wanting me there saying that we need to start to work on our marriage and we can only do it if we are together. But others are telling me I need to give him space.
I am not sure what to do??

Move in where - by his parents? Speaking from experience, that's probably not going to work out too well. You need your own place to have your own space.

Yes, he has been living with his parents for about a month...he was not allowed to stay on site where he had previously worked and they gave me a grace period to leave. I am now off site, and he is still at his parents as he looks for a job.

Judy:

IMHO, it sounds like you need to maintain a separate place until you are certain of his committment to you and the marriage, and he understands what he needs to do to make a relationship work.

I made several mistakes after I found out about my WS's A. One was not delineating the conditions under which she could come back home. Don't make that mistake. Set the bar high. Let him know that this is his one get out of jail free card, and next time it happens, he will be gone forever. If his parents back the marriage, I would explain that to them as well. It is good to have someone in your corner... wish I had someone in mine!

Good luck,

Thank you.

Yeah my husband is pleading with me to come to his parents. His changed his cell number last night and deleted her phone number out of his phone (I watched him do this). I am just confused he had an affair....I have been talking to a counselor for a number of months without him, he does not want to talk to my counselor as it is over the phone and he wants to do something face to face.....should he start counseling with another counselor without me or should we start it together??? He seems resistant to speak to a professional because he claims that they talk alot of "psyco babel" that he does not understand...he wants us to meet together with a pastor couple we know who use the material from this website.....any suggestions.

My husband has committed to not speaking with his affair and has not in 5 weeks. He is also talking with a therapist....he knows he needs to and he knows it is something he needs to do for me to trust him again. I have been spending more and more time with him....we are excited about restoring our marriage and we know we can get it back and better than what it was.....he is still with his parents and I am still living with the lady from work...however I do spend most of my time with him at his parents and we have been having a great time together.

He wants me to move in with him to his parents so we can begin to work on our marriage again (we are going to start to go to counseling together with a pastor couple we know who have counseled couples who have been through similar circumstances). I really want to move in with him, he is now committed and feels that i am holding us back by now moving in so we can move on. I also feel that living apart we are not meeting each others needs 100%. The reason he is at his parents is because he has not yet found a job....once he does we are planning to get a place together. His parents have been giving us the space we need while I have been staying over.

The therapist we have been talking to individually feels we need to know who we are individually first.?