I posted my story every where but here. I wanted to believe that I was pasted this. That I had found out and now I was working on recovering but that isnt the case. After reading a respone to my post I did some research (snooping) and I found a vmail from the girl on his phone saying that she was sorry for the way that she acted and that she loved him. I was devasted. I knew it couldnt have been an old message because it was a new phone with a new number. All I could do was scream. I just couldnt believe this man who I loved was someone I didnt even know. I hated that I here. I hate that I cant hate him. I hate the fact that I love him. I told him to get out. He just kept lying. He called me and said that he was not having sex with her as if his word somehow meant something to me. He went over there I am hurting and he goes over there. He says to see why she called him and to tell her to stop calling him. I told him well while your there let me talk to her. Maybe we can exchange notes. He says why u already left her a text she gets it. I just sigh, I know talking to her wont make me feel better. I know hating her or him won't change how betrayed I am. My husband is so selfish, to put his self before me but more so in front of my babies. Who would risk their children for a fling, only a fool. He cont to lie to me. I've been lied to so much that I cant tell a lie from the truth. I broke down on my knees and all I could say was God I hurt Oh God I hurt. I know he is the only one who can save this marriage because I have nothing left. thanks for letting me share.

Vent away Ryan, we know what it's like.

(((((Ryan)))))

When you get a chance to breathe, what can we do to help.

all I can tell you is your story (this part of it) is so similar to many of ours on this board.

another thing, when the WS come to a point when they realize what they have done (some never do) they are so devastated that they acted this way. This is what I am dealing with now. Its nice to be validated. That is all I can tell you at this point is I sure know how you feel.

Do you know what your next step is or should be?

Now is the time to get started on what it is you need.

Do you know the other woman's name? Is she married? A coworker?

Her name is Jasmine. No she is not married and she is not a co worker. She's a homewrecker and I blame her as well as my husband. She knew he was married, I mean she should of had better home training and maybe alittle self respect and class. I hate how women who sleep with peoples husbands say that we all sin and no one can judge them. They say we all make mistakes. Well I say yes I will leave it to God to judge you and you know what if it was such a mistake you would have stopped. I never read a scripture that said its ok to sleep with someone husband, maybe you didnt make a commitment to me but you did to God. There is a difference when someone does something with the knowledge that it is going to hurt somebody, and keeps doing it. I am not sure what to do now. I am pretty sure that my husband is not telling me the whole truth. All that blah about not loving her. About it being all about sex etc. On my previous post I wrote about how he said he would never do it again but now I believe that he never stopped. He told me last night that he called and text her once just to make sure that she got rid of the std ( that he gave me). I wonder why he couldnt let the other guy she was sleeping with tell her. I know that he is lying because I told him that I would leave him if I found out he was still talking to her. What do I do now? I have two small babies 1 and 2. I grew up in a broken home and I just dont want that for them. My emotions are all over the place, one minute Im fine and the next I can't stand to be in the same room with him. Should I punish him? I dont know what to do. Should I leave him? He told me it wasnt real to him. That it was make believe. It was like he could disappear from the problems of his real life. I am sorry doingfine that you had to go through this too. It is so hard to pick up the pieces and forgive. Any advise for me

Ryan, all affairs are "make believe." They "make believe" no one will get hurt, that they are entitled to it, that fantasy life is real life, etc..

Time to have a talk with your husband about REALITY.

Affairs are a choice to end a marriage, whether the WS thinks so or not.

If he wants to remain married, the REALITY is that two things MUST happen. First, you have to want him back and, second, he has to earn his way back. "Free passes" are over and the marital VOW of "forsaking ALL others and KEEPING myself ONLY unto you" is now the preeminent reality.

That means NO CONTACT with the OW, not for ANY reason.

That is the MINIMUM requirement for remaining married.

I know you are worried about the impact of a divorce on the children, but you must also consider the impact on them of NOT standing up for the sanctity of marriage. It is your husband, not you, who chose divorce. It is only by your grace and mercy that he may get a "second chance," but make no mistake about the REALITY, it's only a second chance, not a guarantee and certainly not permission for him to try for a third, fourth, fifth, etc. chance.

With what you were saying about God, another logical question would be "are you and your husband born again believers in Jesus Christ?"

If so, there is lot of help for both of you from God, beginning with the truth that God has never altered His purpose for marriage nor His rejection of human "reasoning" concerning the sanctity of marriage; "Thou shalt NOT commit adultery." That is a command, not a suggestion.

God bless.

You are so right. Yes I have rededicated myself to Crist. My husband has attend church but that is about it. I dont want to force it down his throat but I know that if we are unevenly yoked that will cause a whole other set of problems. I agree completely with everything that you are saying. When my husband gets home from work I am going talk to him about how I am feeling. I have been reading alot on this website and have found it very helpful. I am also evaluating myself because I know that I need to work on some things. It has really been a rollarcoster with this and my health. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow about my mammogram and see the surgeon on the 12th. Its just so crazy, I was also diagnosed with mild dsyplaisa (dont know if spelling correct.) Im just praying that it goes away. Its been alot to handle because I didnt have him to lean on. Thanks again

Yes, it has been hard and thank you for saying so.

We all have plenty advise to give you,

Like Forever says, no contact with OW, and that means now.

You both should dive into some counseling. That was hard for us, my H lied for 6 months into counseling, the lies are strong.

Read every article on this site, they offer so much. This site has helped me more then anything has. We go to couneling, but all my actions and words come from here. I know where I want to stand now and thats the hardest part figuring out what is needed. Once you find your spot and claim it you will be tough and take a stand.

One thing you should do is keep your thread current and talk about the steps you are taking, that allows everyone to give you advise and also helps someone else in your situation.

So I talked to my husband last night. I knew before I told him how I felt that he was going to go off and he did. He had already told her not to contact him, I think he thought that was it. I told him that I wanted to know where she worked and lived not that I cared about her but I wanted to ensure that he doesnt go over there again. I want to know if they went to public places together, hotels and stuff. I wanted to know what they talked about. I felt like once he told me it would put a needle in his fairtale and that it would no longer be just between them. He was furious he said " I said I wasn't, I shouldn't have to tell you where she lives" I told him I have no interset in talking to her, I already know that you are lying I dont need her to confirm it. He said he was not going to give that information to me. I responed well you don't have to be here, I told him that he was a grown man and he could do whatever he wanted he just couldnt do it and be with me. I told him that I want the passcode to his cellphone, he refused. I said if you have nothing to hide it shouldn't be a problem. He said I wasnt going to control him. I said fine but I am not backing down nor was I trying to control him and again whether or not he did these things was up to him. I also talk to him about emotional needs, love busters and the love bank but by then he was so mad he couldnt hear anything that I was saying. I thought I be so sad if he refused but I am not. I have thought about the possiblity of us not being together, its not what I want but I am not going to except anything less than what I deserve. I told him the ball is in his court. He said I was all talk but I am going to give him until monday to give all the information I request. If he doesnt I am going file for divorce. I love my husband but I know that if things dont change I will never have him. I feel like if she was out of his life it would have been so easy for him to give me the info that I requested. I told him to tell me what he wanted from me as his wife, so that I can be better for him. I finally feel like I have some clarity in all this madness. It feels good to stand my ground!

Ryan, I am so so sorry you have to go through this.
DO stand up for yourself, let him know you will not tolerate any more lies! Keep reading here and use the knowledge you gain here as strength!
I discovered my WH's lies in Aug. of 2005 and they continued and became worse. I became a total wreck, and even though I tried doing the principles of MB, I was doing it alone. When I backed off using MB I lost my strength to deal with anything in our marriage. After nearly 2 years of his lies and my denial to see the truth of his lies, we are now in the middle of our divorce. He is with OW.
So I guess what I want to say to you is BE STRONG. Be prepared for anything.... read here and do not let yourself get sucked into his fog of lies. Hold him accountable for his actions and believe that if he truely wants to repair your marriage he will get into the work of MB with you.

I wish you all the best! Be strong!

Thanks Harmonie, I am so sorry that you are goin through a divorce but the up side is that you will be available for someone who really appreciates what they have. Thanks so much for the support as well.

Update: Last night my husband gave me his cell phone password. I know it is a long road ahead but I am happy that he has given me what I asked for. We are beginning to work on things that have been lacking in our marriage. Last night was the first night that we talked without arguing. I am still alittle scared and of course untrusting but I hope that soon I can move to recovery.I dont want to jump the gun in fear of being let down. What do you think my next step should be. This website has been so helpful for me. Thank you for your cont. advise. Everything I have read and been told is head on. thanks again. God sure has a way of being strong when we are weak.

It seems to me that H is protecting OW, which also tells me that they are still involved.

Now that you have given H an automatem (sp?, geesh I need to learn to spell that, I have used it enough) you must go through with it.

If I were you I would hire a private detective,get into some major snooping. From this point on I would not discuss anything about it with H.

I felt the same way but last night he began to give me information but you are right he has not told me where she lives or works yet. I guess a private detective is the only way to know for sure.

get to the bottom of it, obviously you can't from H, you need to find in your own way.
One of my friends just hired a PI, he found out most info the first day. It was costly. Are there other things you can do? Does OW know you at all? can you follow OW? Check phone records, emails, things like that and just not talk to H at all about it. H will feel free to go about his business without worry.

What is a good website to go to if you are going to do it yourself.

email me at calicotammy@yahoo.com

I can see if I can help you.

For whoever was trying to spell it:

ULTIMATUM

Anyway...

ryan,

There is a thread at the top of the general questions forum titled "notable posts". In there you will find a post with "Joseph's Letter" in it.

Print that letter out.

It talks about what the WS needs to tell the BS about the affair, and why.

The WS needs to tell the BS whatever the BS needs to know - they need to answer all the questions, answer everything, openly and honestly, or the marriage just isn't going to make it through the rough spot after d-day.

Those answers are needed so that the WS can no longer have the secrecy and intimacy with the OP - and that means plenty. That helps the intimacy with the spouse start to get reestablished.

Take a look at Joseph's Letter.

It made my husband start answering those questions. That, and the promise that if I didn't get what I needed to recover from this nuclear bomb he dropped in the marriage, then I had to leave it. He realized that I was serious - and I was.

Be very sure that if you tell him that you will leave, that you mean it. Empty threats will do you no good. If he says you won't leave, and he knows you won't, then threatening him isn't worth anything.

Also, try not to have discussions that go on and on and on. Remember that you need to do some Plan A work right now. Make yourself worth coming home to. Be better than the OW - be loving, attentive, and meet his needs. This isn't easy, but you need to understand that while you work on figuring out what your next move is, you need to be sure that you aren't love busting at the same time. Part of that is limiting the relationship talks, and the arguing.

SB