So I can see how it makes sense that in order to love someone and stay in love, that it takes 10-15 hours at a minimum per week of exclusive time with that person. I don't feel like going back and checking, but I also seem to recall that Dr.H says something about as much as 30+ hours per week for couples that are in recovery, which my W and I are in right now.

The problem is, we have a DS that is going to be 4 in a couple months, and another DS that is now 2 weeks old. We're lucky if we can find 30-45 minutes in a day during the week to spend with each other exclusively, and lately we've taken to finding a little time during the middle of the night for each other, but I don't think I have to tell too many parents of newborns that it probably isn't overly healthy for either of us to lose even MORE sleep than we already do. Weekends we have, maybe, 2 hours tops (depending on the nap that our 4yo takes) of exclusive time.

I don't see this situation improving for a very long time -- probably a couple/few years or more. We try to get out of the house together every week on some sort of date, but that is still only a few hours tops, and with a newborn who we have to be very careful with (lung problems at birth) it isn't always feasible to have people watch him, and we are forbidden to take him to any public place. That means no church together, no shopping together, nothing. We now actually are forced to do more things by ourselves since someone always has to stay home with the newborn.

We (my wife and I) are trying, and we are having more fun with each other than we have in a long time. But, having such a tiny amount of free time that comes in very short spurts (15-30 mins at a time) it is very hard to plan anything, or start any kind of activity. Plus we are both constantly tired, so whenever we DO get a few minutes a lot of times it is spent watching TV or snoozing or just sitting down resting.

Any ideas?

My, you do have your hands full!

What time does your 4 year old go to bed?

He goes to bed sometime between 8 and 9, usually awake until 9:30 or so. Newborn usually eats about 8:30 or 9, and W goes to bed about 10-10:30 but has to pump (which takes about 30 minutes start to finish) before going to bed.

She sometimes tries to stay up later for me so we can finish watching a show or talk for a bit or something, but then she just pays for it the next day. Like I said, we (well, I for sure anyway!) have been enjoying a little time during the middle of some nights when she gives me a little SF and we talk a little bit and such (no, not intercourse before anyone calls me a monster), but again, we both just end up being that much more tired because of it. For now we both deem it worth it, but I know from experience that eventually sleep deprivation catches up to you and totally kicks you in the nuts.

yeah we have 2 in diapers and it is hard. We schedule the 15 hours a week just to do it, but we have yet to meet it. I like to schedule it anyway because at least if its schedule you'll work hard to meet it. So we right now average 8 hours a week.

With a 2 wk old, yes-very hard... here are some ideas (15 hours or not)....

1. You say when u 2 do have time, its usually to nap...well nap in each others arms....cuddle, caress, kiss, show her affection until the both of you doze off in front of the tv or in the bed.

2. Make the boring and dull....interesting...use your imagination...find a way to flirt with your wife while the two of you are bathing the baby (WITH NO INTENTIONS OF HAVING SEX)

3. Increase helping her out with the kids....trust me, this is a need for her...and she will love you for it. So whatever you are doing now....increase.

4. Get an in-home baby sitter (mom, sis, friend) to watch the kids upstairs, while you and your wife are downstairs for 2-3 hours conversating, being affectionate, involved in some recreation, and later-sex (down the road-past 6 weeks postpartum). Bam! you hit all four in 2 hours, and the baby is upstairs in case something goes wrong and you need to be there ASAP. This could be free or pay $10-15 dollars a week. Once a week u guys have a date in the bedroom, basement, back porch, livingroom, garage...wherever...dont matter-make it work, make it magic.

5. Last but maybe should be on top of the list: GET ORGANIZED-the best u and her can. Do a search on how to organize with newborn...for example.....I have my meals planned for the month, grocery shopping for the month or twice a month. on Sunday...I cook for sunday and prepare meals for Monday, and take Tuesday frozen food out and put in the fridge to unthaw by tuesday. A lot of my meals are oven/crotchpot based...so more time can be spent somewhere else. Friday or every other friday can be home oven pizza. I mean I know this may not seem much but if you can get this down...knowing your meals a week or month in advance...you guys will be saving a lot of time. Time used for napping or being with eachother.

OH AND REMEMBER: IF THE BABY IS ONLY 2 WEEKS--THEN SHE MUST STILL BE IN A LOT OF PAIN, make sure you are still sensitive to that. 15 hours a week maybe have to be 15 hours per 2 weeks...and until things get going.

Hi Longway-
I completely understand. A newborn throws a wrench into ANY plan(!!), and sleep must take precedence right now.

However, in a few months the baby's sleep patterns will be more predictable and you can make plans again. I really like wakingbeauty's ideas!

In His Needs/Her Needs for Parents, Dr. Harley says that he and his wife spent more $$ on babysitting than they did on their mortgage when their kids were small! Yikes that's a lot of cash. Anyway, that's your answer once the newborn is old enough to be watched by someone else.

Do you have family that can help out?

Best of luck-
~Saturn

Thanks, those are all good ideas. The planning thing seems like probably the best and would have the biggest benefit long-term, but I know that I would be absolutely terrible at it. That is right up my W's alley though, and I don't mind doing the grocery shopping, so maybe if she makes the list and I do the shopping that could work.

And yeah, I know that she needs a lot of help right now, and is in pain and can't do much around the house. That really bothers her, she feels useless and fears that I will get angry about having to do most all of the housework. I mean yeah, I don't jump up and down in excitement about it, but I also don't complain about it at all and try to do as many things as I can without her having to ask me. I stay up until 1am or later with our newborn so that I can do all the feedings and everything, and will hopefully allow my W to sleep until 2:30-3am without interruptions. I'm doing all the shopping and laundry and cleaning and such as she recovers.

Shopping at midnight is actually kinda fun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We have family close by too, so the in-home babysitting is something we could pull off and could be pretty fun.

What do you do when she's pumping?

If you aren't already doing so, I would suggest spending that time with her. Perhaps giving her a shoulder or foot rub while chatting about something? Does she enjoy reading but doesn't have the time right now? If so, perhaps you could read aloud to her (if the pump is quiet enough).

9:30 is pretty late for a 4-year old, IMO to be dropping off to sleep. Would it be possible to push the his bedtime up to being put down for the night between 7 & 7:30? That would free up some time every day for the two of you. At his age, he's not going to be watching the clock and arguing with you about the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I think this area has the greatest opportunity to give you more time each day.

Do both of you work? Would it be possible to either meet for lunch or you to come home for lunch if she's a SAHM?

We usually talk or just sit next to each other while she is pumping. As for bedtime, yeah it is kinda late (we moved it to 8 from 7 a couple months ago), but he sleeps late in the morning as well, until 8-9 or so. He starts pre-school this week or next, so that will force an earlier morning time, which will then lead to an earlier bedtime. For the time being however, my W also likes the little bit later morning time, so I don't have a problem with it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She is a SAHM, and unfortunately going home for lunch isn't really feasible unless I chose to work an extra half hour or so into the evening, which would be counter-productive, or at best a wash.

We are being more creative in finding time, but that's why I am asking I guess. I've been looking through the other forums about cheap dates and whatnot too. I figure more people thinking about and sharing ideas is bound to be better than just the 2 of us trying to figure it out.

Wow...you do allll that for your wife!!!!! My WH needs to take some notes from you....lol.


Yeah there's nothing like shopping at Super Walmart at 2 am in the morning....lol. (funny going down memory lane...that's what my WH and I use to do b4 the kids-dont know why but we did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Here are some inexpensive things we have done.

Picnic in the backyard, brownbag and all.

Movie night - popcorn, cola and cuddles on the couch.

Looking through magazines and designing our "dream house".

A walk at a nearby lake in the autumn.

Visit to local museums.

Reading aloud to each other.

Putting together 3D puzzles (you would have to hide this one for the 4 year old.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Playing cards, scrabble, or other board games.

Going to local craft shows and art festivals.

Working on a home project together (painting walls, wallpaper, rearranging furniture, etc.)