I posted a few weeks back that my H was gone for a weekend with old H.S. friends. I found 3 prs of his undies from that weekend with large, crusty semen stains on them. His explanation? Wet dreams at age 50. (Hasn't happened since, either.) Keep in mind that he has refused to have sex with me or be affectionate or even talk to me for 2 1/2 months now.

Last night he was reading a web site about Viagra and erectile disfunction. (I found it in the history.) He's never experienced ED with me. He's refused sex with me for months now, something that he does on a regular basis. So if he's not having sex with me and never experienced ED with me, why is he researching ED? Why does he need to research Viagra?

What does everyone else think? I'm not feeling too good about this.

what is his reason for refusing to be intimate with you

ark

If he is wayward, which certainly sounds possible, then part of his mission in life is going to be to convince you that you are crazy.

It’s how he would maximize his bang for the buck so to speak if he doesn’t have to waste a lot of time on you trying to convince when he can just dismiss you with a wave of the hand a disempowering phrase.

FWIW, I’m 40 years old and never have experienced the phenomenon that you described with his undies as an adult.

Three times on a short trip would seem a statistical improbability.

If you still have them, you can send them to a lab with your DNA to obtain proof.

My recommendation to you is to read up on the sleuthing threads that exist here on GQ2 and get to the bottom of your gut feeling.

Gut feeling is the most reliable precursor to ugly truth that we see here.

Best regards,

Ark

He isn't being affectionate or intimate because he's mad at me. He's mad at me (supposedly) because on Mother's Day I said I was looking forward to having time to get a few things done around the house. I was working away at my list, but because I didn't start with the ones he thought I should be doing, he has refused to speak to me, touch me etc.

Abend..

I read your other posts...

the underwear issue is really a mute point is it not...

it's more like you are fishing in hopes of this being the ticket out...


you got bigger fish to fry or to even worry about...

lets just be honest this man is NOT going to change....unless there is a huge cataclysmic occurance in his world...

and even then ....there's no garuntee....

you said in your post you were working on a plan to do just that...

are you
how is it going...

focus on that...

what's your time frame...

God would never want or expect someone to live under the conditions you are....

ARK

He is looking at viagra stuff.... I think you should expose it. Wonder out loud about it. In the store....yep, embaress him. He will get made at you but it will deflate his mystery.

Ask him about condoms....what is his favorite? LOL!!!

He is looking for a reason to keep you in trauma.....deflate it by exposure.

Reverse babble helps also. In time you will learn he is deep in an EA, PA or both. At that point it doesn't matter whether his stains are semen or poop. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Both stink.

L.

Yeah....I'd say it's time for detective work! Get a keylogger program for that computer...one that runs stealth.

Obtain his cell phone records, and see if there are any consistant calls to a particular number.

Check his cell for text messages.

Check his email account.

Look through his glovebox, his trunk.

Look at the credit card statement and see if anything usual appears on there.

LOTS of red flags going up on this!!!

God Bless,

Caren

Ark, Thanks for your comments. You definitely hit the nail on the head about me looking for a ticket out. After enduring 18 years of abuse and craziness, I still have trouble giving myself permission to let go and quit trying. After 18 years of being told that everything is my fault, I still catch myself at times trying to justify leaving him. I "forget" that I have reason enough. Because of our history, I know that when I file for divorce he will make sure that Christian friends know how "messed up" I am, while conveniently hiding his garbage. Your comment helped me to think clearly about my situation.

As far as getting out... I have been taking steps: meeting w/ my IC, opening new checking in my name only, looking for ways to generate a little extra money to put away. My quandry is this... I will have enough $ soon to either move out or put down a retainer for an attorney, not both. I could borrow against a credit card for the retainer, but then I have one more expense to pay. My 16 y.o. wants to stay in the family home, if at all possible. I've been looking for rentals in the area surrounding our home but the rents will run several hundred over our current mortgage. My H probably won't move out without a fight. I don't want to leave son behind. I've been thinking about just filing for divorce and then asking the judge for exclusive use of the home, but one attorney told me that isn't always granted. Not sure what to do, in which order. I'm hoping that someone who is reading this and has been down this road can give me helpful input.

If I were you, I would try to stick it out a little longer. If you don't have enough saved for an attorney and the cost of moving out, you need to wait.

Can you just mark time, and put some more money aside? Your son will be grown soon.

I would make a good life for myself despite hubby.

It could be that he's refusing sex with you because he is worried about erectile disfunction and is trying to avoid embarrassment. Maybe you should suggest he talk to his doctor?

Still the underwear from the business trip sounds strange...

Whatever the problem is he needs to open up and be honest with you about it OR accept the fact that his strange behavior is naturally causing you to respond with suspicion.

Oh I don't know, some of the most "religious" people are the ones that masturbate and research strange things on the internet, keeping little dark secrets. Maybe it's not even another woman but a laptop computer on business trips that he's getting off with?

Years ago in my 20s a married morman man said to me "how do you meet your needs" and went on about his wife wont' have erotic sex with him so he keeps porn in his office. Since his family is so religious he obsessed more about this. For the life of me I couldn't figure out if he was hitting on me or not, he asked if I thought he was "handsome" and I about choked, he was 20 years older then me and NO I didn't think a 45 year old was cute AT ALL.

There does seem to be a general theme for some men in their late 40s, they feel as though they are losing their youth and certainly their sexuality declines, and what if their wives aren't interested other then basic sex. Thus the viagra and research, and whatever else some men do. Have you had a good sex life with him in the past? If you are both "Christians" were you able to really enjoy the erotic side of your marriage. I know growing up in a strick Christian home I was made to feel guilty for even having thoughts of sex. God tells us we are to enjoy our bodies and marriage.

Ark said it very elegantly. If you already have an exit strategy, who bother yourself with if he is cheating or not.

Sometimes, part of the crazy-making is that an abuser will make things look a certain way (even stage things) to envoke feelings of jealousy in you and that you'll be soo focused on that that you will forget or not have time to deal with the other emotions and issues you should be dealing with. At the end of the day, if he is a true abuser, he will use any tactic that comes to mind that will keep you busy and working and invested.

It's time to detach. Stop running inside the hamster wheel he's designed for you. Step off the ride. Let him try all he wants to get your goat... make you jealous... make you feel sorry for him... he is not your problem anymore; he is his own worst problem and leave him to suffer the natural consequences of his wicked ways. The only thing you have to do is make sure you get away so that you are no longer a part of it. I wish you the best and clear thinking as you carry out your exit strategy.

Sorry for not posting... I usually work 20 hours/wk., but one of the other secretaries quit, so I am also working her 20 hours PLUS teaching MS Word one night a week. The extra money will be put away for getting myself out of this marriage.

I have been doing some sluething around the house... nothing funny in his email or in the history on the computer since the Viagra incident. Nothing on his credit card statement. Nothing in his truck. Whatever he's up to he's doing it with cash.

He's actually home more and occasionally will help a bit around the house, but it's part of the cycle for him. Once he senses that I am in withdrawal, he tries being nice for a short time to see if he can pull me back in. I know better now. In the past when he's nice and I come out of withdrawal, he goes right back to being withdrawn, angry, critical. I'm off the "hamster wheel" for good now. While we are in the house together, until I can set the wheels in motion for my exit strategy, I have promised my 16 y.o. son that I would try to maintain the peace in the household.