You know there's a sport in Texas called "Yankee Tree'd". You just hop on your horse, spot yourself a yankee and chase him up a tree. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Even the silly foreigner knows there are trees in Texas!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I like dat sport!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Meg, ya see any trees out yore way??

Tumbleweeds DO NOT constitute TREES.

I repeat

Tumbleweeds DO NOT constitute TREES.

W

I have occasionally lived in Texas.

It seems to depend on the area you are working from.

Some places you hang 'em from a tree and let the horse unseat them.

Some places you just use the tree.

Some places you can't find a tree so you just go ahead and tie them to the horse...who after a few good licks will get the job done..ya know..eventually.

Some places you don't need a horse or a tree and just let the 'gators get 'em.

In any case there is a distinct lack of loose ends.

Hmm. I thought they tied the other end of the noose to the horse and gave the horse a giddy-up thus dragging the perp to death.

go figure.

Shaden: Any chance of you actually deciding to go ALL IN and do this the MB way properly without modification?

That was option 4 ...see above.

Modified plan B gets you modified recovery which is sometimes referred to as "false".

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Sorry Noodle - I missed option 4. LOL.

Give me the rundown on "all in"

I think so. Going dark is no problem... as long as it doesn't affect my kids.

I need to think some more on exposure... I don't have very much to go on... but am willing. I'm not against the exposure... just done that without any positive affects. The guy is divorced. My W's family already know and support her, I think. They certainly won't go against her... they didn't the last time... because their moral compass is just as whacked... for all their talk of Christianity and the Lord will look after them. I am a Christian... so I'm not putting down Christianity... just those who use it to sound good and to their advantage.

My W talks to others and says she is trusting in the Lord to bring her through this... but does not do anything (except stay for awhile in guilt) to repair the marriage that she has.

My other option is divorce... so I'm game.

However... there are some things that I need to think about on my own to ensure that I feel comfortable that I am not lowering my own integrity.

When I confronted my W about the new guy, she was just angry that I was snooping again... so was her sister. How could I possibly break her trust in this way and invade her privacy??? LOL Snooping is not below my integrity if it is to protect my family. In the past, I have argued against it... not now. However, snooping does hurt me as well... and it brings on anxiety and sleepless nights, so I will have to put a limit on it.

I don't think my W will respond to the hard tactics of Plan B... but right now I am doing this first for me and my sons... with her I have nothing to lose. She certainly didn't respond to the softer tactics.

Okay... I've convinced myself as I've talked. What do you suggest?

Shaden

Exposure to your children for a start Shaden.
Dark Plan B.

You are already separated. You are heading for a divorce if you do nothing. The fact she wants contact with you still indicated you ARE meeting EN's and she WILL be affected by a dark Plan B.

Frankly, you have confirmed the new OM so no need for snooping. Plan B will take you OUT of the drama. Snooping only keeps you in it.

At some point you divorce OR she will want to prove to you that NC is in place and she wants your marriage.

ALL IN ALSO means not settling for crumbs.

She is NOT a good mother Shaden when she is running off or wanting to run off and marry OM. The addiction dictates she will put her affair above her children. ALL WS's do this. It's part of what they are.

You are almost 2 years into this mate and almost the same or worse situation. The Harley way can work for you if you let it and overcome your fears.

OK... I want everyone's input on exposure to the kids.

Is there a possibility of damaging them more than they are being damaged by divorce. (So many have told my W that they have been through a divorce and the kids have come out fine... even better). I am not talking about their relationship with their mother... I am talking about their well-being.

If this happens... when is the best time? After I have all other matters in place (financial, etc.) I also need to find out about custody... and what happens if she refuses to let me see them after I expose. What are my rights.

This will get down right messy... I'm good with that. But I need to know the boys will be fine.

Shaden

Shaden:

Welcome Back!

What's Next? Heartsore?

But Plan B?

Sounds like it is time.

She obviously used this trial seperation to start making other plans.

So can you.

She is the one with boundary issues, and no real incentive to actually start working on it.

Sorry you have to go there, but, It might be the only thing that ever gets you and your children to a safe place.

LG

Well, I vote for Plan B. I think that more than anything you need a break from this. And if you think you can hold out awhile longer, I would take that route.

I do disagree that exposure had no effect. I believe it had a great effect in your case. It was one of the only times your W had to face consequences of her actions. She was royally pissed off, too, if I remember right. Even though her creepy family doesn't care [I remember that her mother actually even aided her last affair, didn't she?] I would still get her current affair out there and talk about her "adultery" openly.

I would most especially tell your boys, and I will tell you why. Being seperated, she is bound to introduce them to her paramour du jour. She will teach them that adultery is perfectly acceptable and they will grow up morally confused and turn into little adulterers themselves. I know how horrible this is from personal experience.

Kids instinctively know right from wrong and when that is not validated - or even contradicted by adults, they begin to doubt themselves. It is much easier to believe that oneself is stupid than to believe your own parent is actually ammoral. If they are going to be around her and your goofy inlaws, they desperately need your moral guidance about this since they will never get it from that side.

And most importantly, your wife is going to be in for a rude wake up when you aren't around to take care of her. You are probably meeting 3-4 of her needs and she has been taking that for granted for years. She is of an age, that unless she is a smoking hottie, she is not apt to find men as anxious to take care of her as you have. Being "single" she will be competing with 29 yr olds - with no baggage. So her little fantasies about other guys will quickly crumble when the light of reality shines in.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I agree with your reasoning about snooping. Once you go into Plan B, I would shut that all down so you can withdraw from her mess. And I do believe that snooping is a VIRTUE when one has cause. There is nothing dishonest about snooping. You have a right to know every single thing your wife does.

Lastly, I suspect that your wife will go ballistic when you go into plan B because she does not want to lose control of you. I envision her using every trick in the book to get you back on the massahs plantation. I think she is really very dependent on you and doesn't want to lose your services.

Therefore, i would only do this if you fully intend on going black as night and are willing to withstand her onslaught. Because if you let her in even a little tiny bit, she will have won. She will have spit on your credibility and proven that she can manage you at her will. That is a dreadful, dangerous message to send a selfish, entitled wayward because it is a forfeiture of any leverage and any credibility.

There's plenty of data that shows kids don't come out of divorce fine - I can dig it up for you if you want.

I lnow Mel has some stuff from Dr Harley about exposure to children. I will leave it to her to post it. Suffice to say that the lies and moral confusion caused to children is more damaging than the truth. In fact Jesus said the truth sets you free.

She just called me to take the boys. I was able to tap into her facebook messages. She told him that she was wanting the boys to come here so she could call "her man". She told me she wanted to go shopping.

I first said No, I was busy.

I just called and changed my mind.

See my post above. Exposure is GOOD for kids. Affairs and divorce are BAD for kids.


Divorce is devastating to kids. Adultery is harmful to kids. Exposure is not. Kids can deal with the truth, not lies.


She does not have the right to withhold your kids from you. At least it is that way in America. it is ILLEGAL in America. Not anymore than you could withhold your kids from her for her ADULTERY, a truly damaging activity.

Your kids need your moral guidance about their adultery lest they will grow up not knowing right from wrong. That would be a gross dereliction of duty.

another:

I'm goig to talk to the boys tonight

Shaden, please be sure and tell them that adultery is IMMORAL and why it is immoral. They need to be guided through this with your moral guidance.