I'm new to the forum, really glad that I found you all...

My husband and I are both 29 y/o, married for 4 years, dated for 6 prior, known each other since we were 10 y/o. We've been having problems (sexual, intimacy, communication) for around 1.5-2 years. He started talking to me last July about the problems he saw and I blew him off. We continued to talk about them since then and things just got worse and worse, we got more and more distant. I was devestated, but we didn't do anything. We decided to go away on vacation together. 1/2 hr before we were supposed to leave, he told me he wasn't going, he was going to move out. I was furious. I actually was pretty furious about not going on the trip!. He went to his parents. I saw his computer was on and opened it. His e-mail was open. I read it, curious to see what he told his business partner about not going on vacation. Low and behold, I find the e-mails to the other woman, a girl he worked with previously. Ends up being their friendship started 7/06, probably sexual started 11/06. Definately along the lines of thinking they were soul mates. The next day, I confronted him. He, of course, got furious that I betrayed his privacy by reading his e-mail. We calmed down, agreed to go to individual therapy and couples together.

For the 1st month, I knew via records that he was still seeing her, but our couples sessions were going really well. We were talking about serious topics, we started going on dates together, and hung out almost every day. I was really optimistic b/c I truly felt that finding out about the affair was a "wake up call" for me, b/c I had been completely ignoring his emotional needs. I told him that I felt so incredibly guilty about this and that I felt I had missed the bus to save our relationship.

This past Friday, we had our couples session and WH said that we've been hanging out almost every day and he just has so much stuff he needs to work out on his own with his own baggage and his parents (he's adopted and has abandonment issues and issues with his adoptive parents that he's been working on with his indiv. therapist) that he just needed some space, but we could still go on dates if we wanted. I told him that I had thought that we would do it the way that we had, in baby steps, or that we should completely not see each other until we sort out our own stuff and then come back together. He said that is what he wanted. We both cried. Our therapist told him that it was understandable that he would be grieving (I HATE THIS, even though I understand it) and has a lot to deal with. As my husband started seeing me get upset, he was like a little doggie, looking at me like, "don't hate me". (My husband is a self-loather too!! ah!) So, I asked if he was seeing the OW. He said no. I said, if there isn't a third party involved in this decision of yours, I am completely willing to give him the time to work through his own stuff so that he can come back and be completely ready to work on our relationship, rather than be half there like he had been. He agreed.

I haven't talked to him since. I have an appointment set up to talk to Jennifer and I just got anti-depressants from my doctor b/c I've been crying hysterically all weekend. I feel that this is worse than when I originally found out.

I just feel like I am left in this big open space and don't know what to do since we aren't talking. I know Jennifer will give me some good advice, but anything any of you can say to help during this period where we aren't talking, I would appreciate it. I've always been the pursuer, he the distancer and this is just so hard for me not to call/text/IM him...

FS: 29
WH: 29
Married: 4 yrs. dated 6 prior.
D-Day: 7/2/07
A w. OW since 7/6? 11/06?
couples counseling stopped: 8/31/07 per WH can have some "Space to deal with his own issues" Think (but not 100% positive yet) affair started up again right after that.

Wow, Beth, this sounds like a really challenging situation. That's probably why you've not gotten any replies yet. When I read your post, it put me right back into the depths of limbo that I had to cope with during the beginning of the end of my marriage. It is tough to face. I spent an amazingly looooooonnnnggg time trying to decide what, if anything, to say to you. I'm surprised at how difficult that was -- but in the end, as I reflected on how I was feeling from just reading your words, I knew that I needed to say whatever I could to you to try to help you face the "open space" you mentioned. Hope this helps...

Here is what I experienced and how it helped me: I had days and days and days in deep valleys of despair. I wish that I could say that there were some "peaks" to offset those valleys, but there were not any visible for several months. So, I had to settle for some "plateaus" of pseudo-happiness every now and then. When those "plateaus" arrived, I always made a point of getting out of my residence and doing something different than I had done while in my relationship.

I guess that I was instinctively trying to build some newer, fresher, and -- perhaps most important -- independent memories that had nothing to do with my wandering spouse. Gradually, over a long period of time, the valleys were less deep and the plateaus lasted a little bit longer. In the past few weeks, I think I have actually glimpsed a peak or two!

For me, these new peaks are "new defining experiences" that are fundamentally aligned with who I am as an individual who is capable of being "in the world" again. For me, I'm able to think of these new peaks more and more; consequently, I think of my wandering spouse less and less. This is a good thing!

Anyway, it took me several months to spend more days out of the valleys than in them. Let me tell you something: your journey is uniquely yours. Own it! Respect yourself! You will find your own independent identity again. Once you do, you'll be able to make better decisions about your relationships.

Peace,
LiesRedux

Hi there Beth83,

You are not in Plan B. At least, you are not in a Harley Plan B. Go and read up on Plan A, Plan B, and How Affairs Should End.

Glad you found us, but you have to start at the beginning. MarriageBuilders has a plan. For it to work, you have to follow the steps. Start at the beginning.

Post again when you have read up on Plan A and the members here will help you.

Oh, and you invaded his privacy? Pleeeeze. A common response when betrayed spouse snoops and finds evidence of cheating.